Needing some CLW support - feeling so isolated - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 05-03-2009, 12:53 AM - Thread Starter
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I had a huge fight with my husband tonight. This was the first time in my life that I have ever had the feeling "so this is how people get divorced." Not that it is to that point, but this is the first time I've been SO adamantly against his viewpoint and felt he's being so selfish.

We want to TTC, and wanted to start when DD turned 2. Well, she will be 3 in July and I still have no period. It could partly be because I have such a low body fat, but I'm pretty positive it is because I have a very high-needs DD who nurses around the clock. Every few hours, even at night. He is talking about night weaning and I considered it until I did some reading on this forum. I just think it would be detrimental to her emotionally, and I just need to give her a little more time. Besides, if I get pregnant and lose my milk she would be devastated.

He thinks that I am insane and that a 3 year old doesn't need nursing. He says siblings who are 4 or 5 years apart are not emotionally well adjusted and that we are doing her more of a disservice by not cutting her off at this point. I asked him to give me some research, articles, books or something to back up this viewpoint and he will not. He says it is obvious and logical and I tell him he is being ignorant and that I have plenty of research to back up my stance. He says "all our friends have weaned their kids and they are not emotional nutcases." Not very scientific to me...(and I will beg to differ about nutcases...)

Anyway, I'm just here sobbing and wanting to do what is best for my child. I feel so alone...I WILL stand by my daughter and her needs. I've never felt such a divide between me and my husband. Can anyone share similar stories or lend support? I don't know where else to go... thank you
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#2 of 11 Old 05-03-2009, 02:46 PM
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My siblings and I are several years apart, and we get along fine. I don't really understand what "emotionally well adjusted" means in this context. There is no "perfect" age at which to have a sibling, or a magic number of years and months apart to make them happy.

My parents are also divorced, and that was extremely devastating and detrimental to me emotionally, however.

So I hope you and your husband can work something out and find a way to compromise on this issue.
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#3 of 11 Old 05-03-2009, 03:08 PM
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Oh mama! I don't have any real advice, but I am so sorry you are going through this.

Angel, teaches Psych, married to Martin, chiropractor since 06/25/05 , Mama to DS, Quinn 7/11/07 and DD, Eliza 8/2/10 :
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#4 of 11 Old 05-03-2009, 07:03 PM - Thread Starter
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There is no way we're really getting divorced, but it was just strange to feel the feeling for the first time that we were on such opposite sides of the fence. I have felt supported for the most part up until now...
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#5 of 11 Old 05-05-2009, 06:17 AM
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My brother is 5 and a half years older than me and we're just fine....heck, the oldest 3 siblings are 16, 17, and 18 years older than me, and that still doesn't cause as many issues as you would think. I personally wouldn't even dream of having a child 2 or 3 years apart...that seems to close together to me. But that's just my opinion.
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#6 of 11 Old 05-06-2009, 01:17 AM
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my DSD (might as well be mine - been raising her without the "egg donor" since she was 2) and DD1 are almost exactly 5 years apart and they are completely inseperable.

My older brother is 5 years older, and younger brother is 4 years younger and my younger brother and I were completely inseperable also.

Although I think your daughter would be fine whatever you decide - I think YOU feel strongly that you would like to continue nursing and I think your husband should respect that

Secondly - I bet your fertility returns soon anyways!!!

caffix.gif wife and forever in love with J jammin.gif  - Mom to 4 girls K blahblah.gif '01' J energy.gif '06' M bouncy.gif '08' &  A drool.gif '11'  nocirc.gif  saynovax.gif


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#7 of 11 Old 05-06-2009, 11:18 AM
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I heard the "he doesn't need to nurse at 3, 4, 5, whatever age" comment from my dh on and off throughout the years. He was never extremely adamant about it though and did respect the nursing relationship, it want on consistently through 3 kids and 16.5 years (dd was adopted and only really toyed with nursing). I think he eventually saw that this was actually beneficial for the boys as they are all well adjusted, happy, and secure and have been throughout their childhood. Their needs have been met as best as possible and it shows! And none of them think about how long they nursed at this point. It was a need that was met when they were little and it's over now.

Although my fertility came back sooner than yours, my kids are still all 3.5-4 years apart. More challenges for me having 4 kids spread over 11 years than among the kids themselves. Not sure where your dh is coming from with that.

I'd say take care of the child that is here now 1st before worrying about one that is yet to be. It will happen and a few months either way will not make a difference in the long run.
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#8 of 11 Old 05-06-2009, 01:35 PM
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It definitely sounds like your daughter still NEEDS to nurse, and IMHO, "cutting her off" now would cause her to be not so emotionally well adjusted - much moreso than having a sibling who is four or five years younger.

As for your fertility ... increasing healthy fats in your diet and increasing your b vitamin intake may help.

Mama to A (12), Z (11), H (9), C (5), A (3) and 4 angels. 

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#9 of 11 Old 05-06-2009, 01:46 PM
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please consider sharing your feelings with your dh about this. your deep emotions might not be about nursing at all, but rather feeling respected and supported for your mothering -- and without that backing from your dh, there is potential for much heartache with regard to having another child. ask me how i know...
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#10 of 11 Old 05-07-2009, 01:52 PM
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I am in no position to offer relationship advice, since I am divorced and my youngest was conceived via artificial insemination with a known donor, but I support your decision 100% and it is also my own. No periods here either, just a very supportive KD who wants to help me have another kid and dioesn't quite understand the delay considering my age, which is in my siggie.

I'm sad that this may be my last baby but delighted with the relationship he has with his 20 year old sister. They're so funny together and she enjoys him so much more and gets along so much better with him than she does with her other brother, who is only two years and ten months younger.

One of my older kids was CLW and I weaned the other way past the age that is our cultural norm. I see a HUGE difference in them now and deeply regret the weaning. When your dd doesn't need to nurse any more, she won't.
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#11 of 11 Old 05-10-2009, 01:08 AM - Thread Starter
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Thanks for everyone's support. No more fights with DH, and things have settled down for now. I'm reading How Weaning Happens and some other books, and of course they are only strengthening my resolve to continue meeting my LO's needs. I really won't change on that stance, but this period of reflection is only helping me to be a better mother and to find out what underlying issues I might have (or issues DH and I have together, or issues that my LO has... etc.) I have really very strong feelings about her weaning and I'm wondering if these feelings come from somewhere else - maybe from something with my own mother? Each challenge is an opportunity for growth.

I bet my fertility returns in a few months anyway... at least thats what I keep telling myself (and others do, too).
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