I'm tired of tandeming... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 06-12-2009, 03:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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When I look at my 2 dds as individuals, I don't necessarily want to wean my 2yo, but considering how much she wants to nurse - some days it seems like more than my 9mo- I feel very irritated by it- plus we have been dealing with pinching issues for a long time...

I tried to at least night wean her when I was pregnant and she didn't nurse during the night for at least the last 5 months (of preg) but I had to get up with her several times a night to rock her back to sleep. The pain kept me motivated... Now I nurse her in the chair but not in the bed to sleep. I do nurse her when she wakes up during the night and during the day.

I nursed my dd1 until she was 4y2m and I know it would be a REALLY big battle to try and wean dd2 so I don't think I want to go that way... *sigh* Guess I"m just venting to a crowd that will hopefully not criticize....
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#2 of 9 Old 06-12-2009, 04:13 PM
 
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I TOTALLY have been there done that! I have no advice, just commiseration. DD1 was 23 months when DD2 was born, and I definitely wanted to nurse her through the transition of adding a new member to our family, to have that closeness and specialness with my firstborn. But as the months and months dragged on, I wished that she would hurry up and self-wean. I couldn't look her in the eyes and think "I want to wean you" but wanted her to wean anyway. Does that make sense? Just so much demand on me and my body, and I resented a bit that she still needed to nurse.

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#3 of 9 Old 06-12-2009, 04:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by ramama View Post
But as the months and months dragged on, I wished that she would hurry up and self-wean. I couldn't look her in the eyes and think "I want to wean you" but wanted her to wean anyway. Does that make sense? Just so much demand on me and my body, and I resented a bit that she still needed to nurse.
That's exactly how I feel! I dont' want to wean her, but of the two, she's older and therefore seems closer to being done although her behavior doesn't follow that. If anything, some days she's even MORE attached to "jug juice" as her little sister.

BTW, I started tandem nursing with dd1 and 2 and that went until I got pregnant with dd3 and dd1 weaned (on her own, but at the same time). Then I nursed through my third pregnancy (excruciatingly painful) and have been nursing together for 9 mo. So basically, I've been either tandeming or nursing while pregnant for over 3 years. I hold my 9mo and sometimes just really wish that I could just nurse one of them instead of both.... I miss just nursing a baby, not a toddler too...
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#4 of 9 Old 06-12-2009, 05:04 PM
 
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I have been nursing almost straight for 11 years. I have had a few breaks in there when one would wean. Right now I am tandeming my 27 mos old and my 1 mos old. And I hear you that the toddler could easily nurse more than a baby! And the pinching! What is that? I never had a kid pinch. Bite, pull, latch on and off, but this is the first time with pinching. This week he has taken it to a new level too. He is squeezing my belly fat while he nurses. Yea thats fun.

Everyone is like "Oh its so nice you are still nursing him." No one gets how hard it is. Yes, it is great but I feel like its sucking the life out of me. Sadly this will be over some day and I will look back and wish I had enjoyed it more. Being a parent is so hard some times!

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#5 of 9 Old 06-13-2009, 02:09 AM
 
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It sounds to me like you are not really happy with this situation. Breastfeeding is exhausting (I've been doing it for almost 5 years too). It's wonderful in so many ways, but you sound pretty worn out. I wonder if you could limit your 2 yo's breastfeeding to just 2-3 times a day?

I would also stop feeding her when she pinches. Maybe give a warning, but if she continues stop. It's not okay for her to hurt you - at 2 she is old enough to understand.
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#6 of 9 Old 06-14-2009, 02:04 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ramama View Post
But as the months and months dragged on, I wished that she would hurry up and self-wean. I couldn't look her in the eyes and think "I want to wean you" but wanted her to wean anyway. Does that make sense? Just so much demand on me and my body, and I resented a bit that she still needed to nurse.
I can totally sympathize with this feeling. There were lots of times I was frustrated that DD just didn't wean. It seemed so unfair that I was trying so hard to CLW and seemed surrounded by people who had successfully CLW and DD just kept going and going and going. KWIM?

Tandeming just adds that extra component. It makes the older child seem SOOO much older and larger to constantly be compared to an infant than when you were only comparing them to themselves, kwim.

Good luck. I do agree with a PP, though, that you should implement "no hurting mommy" rules.

 

 

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#7 of 9 Old 06-22-2009, 10:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ramama View Post
But as the months and months dragged on, I wished that she would hurry up and self-wean. I couldn't look her in the eyes and think "I want to wean you" but wanted her to wean anyway. Does that make sense? Just so much demand on me and my body, and I resented a bit that she still needed to nurse.
I am going thru this right now.
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#8 of 9 Old 06-23-2009, 03:11 PM
 
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I think you need to consider setting some boundaries for your older DD so that you can continue to nurse in a way that respects both of your needs. I have been tandem nursing for 2 years and 3 months LOL so I totally understand being touched out and just wanting it to end. When nursing began to feel unbearable to me I had to make the decision to institute some rules so that it would be doable for me to continue nursing because otherwise I would have weaned Niamh. I began by nightweaning (Niamh was almost 3 at that point and Isla had been sleeping through the night for over a year but Niamh still woke every night to nurse). Then we cut out the daytime nursings over time until Niamh was only nursing once a day first thing in the morning. She was around 4 at that point. When I got pregnant this time Niamh's strong suck reflex was driving me batty so again I had to find a way to cope. I had seen someone mention doing the abc's and when the song was done nursing was done. We tried this but it made Niamh sad and upset so we changed it slightly. I told Niamh she could pick 2 songs for me to sing and she could nurse while I sang the songs to her. When the songs were over she was done nursing for the day. This has worked very well and I was committed to doing this until she decided she was done nursing (or until I hit a wall again and had to re-evaluate). Niamh has recently begun skipping nursing days on her own and I think she is beginning the final weaning process. I am very proud of both of us for finding a way to make it work *for both of us*. Nursing is a relationship and like any other relationship if one person feels like they are making all of the effort and doing all of the sacrificing it can begin to feel like torture. Setting boundaries in a respectful way is important IMO.

It doesn't matter the age of the nurslings. Look at your older DD and think about what things are not working *for you*. Make priorities as to which are most important to deal with first and then start finding ways to make it work for you. You need to find ways so that nursing your older child can be a positive experience for both of you because otherwise its not a good thing (from my personal experience). It made me resentful of my DD and I realized that I had to set boundaries to bring back the joy to our nursing relationship. Don't measure yourself against anyone else and instead work on making your relationship work for both of you KWIM?

Good luck!

Steph

Steph~~momma to Rhys 2002, Niamh 2004, Isla 2007 and Deirdre 2009
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#9 of 9 Old 06-25-2009, 10:21 AM
 
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I have been pregnant nursing or both since August of 2000, I get the touched out feeling.

I think at 2 it's resonable to set some limits, first being the pinching work on that first and then see how you feel and maybe set some other limits on when you nurse. Remember it's Child LEAD weaning, not child controled you are an equal part in the relationship and it's ok to put a few limits on your body.

Mom to ds 9 dd 7 : and dd 3/08 : if I can I go to
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