Want to practice CLW but at the same time feeling done and feeling guilty about it - thoughts? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 04-10-2012, 04:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My DS is 23 months old and we are still breastfeeding and co-sleeping. I've always thought that I would practice CLW but having some doubts as well. Starting about a month or more ago I started feeling like I'm ready to be done with nursing, yet at the same time I will miss it too and part of me is not ready and I also want whats best for my son. Part of my feelings I think come from that I have been experiencing increasing physical discomfort from nursing. Its hard to describe but I get this weird, unpleasant tickly/prickly feeling almost every time. Part of it may be from his latch being not so great anymore - after every time he nurses I have teeth marks - it doesn't hurt but is uncomfortable - he's not biting - maybe just doesn't open his mouth enough or something. Anyone else struggling with wanting to CLW but also feeling done? Or experienced something similar? What did you or would you do? Is there a way to do some of both some child and some mommy -led weaning? I never experienced any discomfort with nursing until maybe around 20 months old. Anyone else experience discomfort while nursing a toddler and have anything that worked?

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#2 of 22 Old 04-11-2012, 06:54 AM
 
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yes, I know what you mean; dd also wants to nurse while doing toddler gymnastics or watching TV or whatever. I sometimes let her, sometimes I just need to take a break despite her protests.

I definitely struggled with wanting to wean ds, especially around birthdays,  but I knew I would have regretted my decision. That's what kept me going, I don't want to have any regrets about how I raise my kids.

 

I think it is possible to gently wean a 2 y/o but my personal opinion is that kids still need milk at that age.

 

The greatest advice I read about nursing, is never quit on your worse day. Why don't you give it some time and reassess the situation in a couple of weeks?

 

Good luck with your decision.


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#3 of 22 Old 08-24-2012, 12:42 PM
 
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I came here with the same concerns that you expressed several months ago. Do you mind if I ask how things have worked out for you? For your LO? My DD is only 17 mo, but she's been wanting to BF incessantly. She had been teething, then had a cold, so I chocked it up to those things, but teeth are in and nose is no longer runny, and she's still begging for nummies every hour or so - day and night. It has made me want to cut back, although I realize this is probably when she needs it the most - for whatever reason. I just feel like we're back at the newborn stage, and it kinda makes me want to be done. I want to trade in my worn-out nursing bras (which I've been wearing for five years through both LOs). That's beside the point... I CLW DS at 2.5.  I planned to do the same for DD, but I'm having those guilty feelings every time I long for this to be done. 


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#4 of 22 Old 08-24-2012, 04:42 PM
 
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I don't think there's anything wrong with finding a middle ground - maybe limit nursing every two hours or more (depending on timing) or try to redirect if you're not ready. If you cut back a session or two daily or even limit the time (humming a song is an easy way to time it and give LO some warning too) you might find it more manageable and feel less pull towards complete weaning. To me the most important part of CLW is that LO gets to decide when to give up the last session and that there is more access when needed due to illness, teething, etc. I don't believe there is any harm in gently adjusting the frequency or duration of nursing to help mom cope better. LO still gets to nurse but mom gets some relief which may actually serve to lengthen the nursing relationship because mom doesn't feel so burned out. I haven't had to institute this yet with my 17 month old because she's a quick nurser but I have tried gently to redirect at night if I'm feeling really touched out. Good luck! I think you two can come to a mutually acceptable middle ground and still nurse for many months.
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#5 of 22 Old 08-24-2012, 05:10 PM
 
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I don't have any valuable insights or wonderful advice but just wanted you to know I feel ya!  I have 25 month old twin girls who are still nursing and there are days I want to stop and days I don't.  I don't know what it is about the teeth, but they often leave teeth marks as well.  I try to get them to relatch better, but usually doesn't help.  I don't offer the breast, but I don't deny when they ask.  Though I often limit the duration esp. when I can't take the clamping sensation of teeth anymore!  I am sad that this is slowly coming to end, no more babies for me.  But on other hand, not.  I think the hardest part of it all is the ambivalence!  At the moment, I am trying to just relax into the idea that the nursing sessions are just going to keep slowwwllllly dwindling and eventually be done.  It will be a longer process than I thought. 

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#6 of 22 Old 09-11-2012, 08:33 PM
 
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It doesn't have to be all or nothing.  I did not do CLW with my oldest.  He nursed an exessive amount - as in I technically wasn't doing CLW even at just a year old since he nursed 20 times in 24 hours but there was another dozen that I didn't let him.  I did cut him down.  I had to cut him down in order for it to be managable for me.  We got down to 5+ times by 22 months.  (5 established nursing sessions and then 10 second "emergency breastfeeds" when he needed it for emotional reasons).  That was my spot - the maximum I felt I could nurse and continue.  I did end up gentle nudging him to wean at other parts too.  I had him completely weaned right before he turned 5 years old.  Instead of sadness for not doing CLW, I recognize that it did not fit our needs.  If I had pure CLW was my goal, I never would have made it two years.  Instead, I made it almost 5.  I did my child a favor by recognizing my needs and working the best I could with his.  I call that child-respected weaning.

 

My second child nursed more like the books said.  (Though she didn't drop her middle of night feeding until around her 5th b-day).   I was able to do 100% pure CLW with her.   She weaned herself right before 6 years old.

 

My second child didn't get a better experience necessisarily, she just got a different one.  Their needs were different.  My needs were different.  (I was ttc while tandem nursing when I finally weaned my first all the way and I have rough pregnancies).  You need to look at the whole picture.  What will help you to meet your child's needs in the best way possible?  Sometimes it means hanging in there and getting through a rough patch.  But sometimes it means setting limits and seeing if that helps out. 

 

I don't know if I'll do CLW with my third.  We're on that path and he's 3.5 years old.   All I know is that right now, his need to nurse is much stronger than my need to wean.  I see CLW more as something that you figure out at the end - when you're looking back.  It's really hard to know how the nursing relationship changes over time until you're in it.  But child-respected nursing is something that I can do as I go along - and sometimes ends up as CLW and sometimes not.   But either way, it can work.

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#7 of 22 Old 09-11-2012, 08:37 PM
 
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About the discomfort, make sure your child's mouth is opened wide.  You may have to say "unlatch" and keep trying until it feels right.  Toddlers can be lazy nursers at times.  They can also be wiggly nursers, which hurts more if they're doing strange things with their teeth.  So for that, teach your child that staying still means nursing longer.  My youngest has some dental issues - his top four teeth rotted away with the enamel chipping off as they came in.  He was on the waiting list for the surgery for a long time, which means I had to deal with jagged, dagger teeth on a wiggly child.  Yep, we did lots of unlatching/relatching and teaching him to be still. 

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#8 of 22 Old 09-14-2012, 07:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for posting this, Its interesting to look back to where I was then and where I am now with nursing. So I guess what I have been doing is a combination of CLW and mother-led weaning - as someone else  on here put it - child-respected weaning. One book that I found helpful was called "How Weaning Happens" - its a la leche league publication. I realized that I did need to cut back and the importance of taking my needs into consideration along with those of my child. Another thing that I realized is that right around two years or so seems to be a good time to set boundaries in general and that establishing some boundaries with nursing can be a beneficial and valuable life lesson for a child. So when I first posted this several months ago my DS was nursing many, many times a day and also was not very interested in solid food or other things to drink. Over what now has been about 6 months we have cut back on nursing quite a bit. At first I started with encouraging food and other things to drink and being sure to offer these things before he would ask to nurse - but this was only so successful. Over these months I have continued to offer substitutes with increasing frequency - sometimes this would be something to eat or drink, other times reading a book, cuddling, doing a fun activity or even just getting out of the house and going somewhere else. However I have never pushed a substitute too hard - if he is clearly upset or unwilling to take a substitute or distraction then I will nurse. Sometimes I cut sessions short. I also replaced the before bed and nap nursings with reading and cuddling - this went very smoothly - I had actually not tried this before and when I did he accepted it quite readily. He has gradually cut back first dropping to 6 or 7 times a day then 4 or 5 and now over the last three weeks he has been nursing just 2 or 3 times a day. This was partly from me encouraging and maybe pushing it slightly but also he decided this partly on his own - in other words I never forced it or downright refused. Now he just nurses one long time in the morning - which seems to be the most important to him and 1 or 2 other short sessions during the day. At this point I am fine with this and will probably continue with it for a long time - possibly as long as he wants to. I only try to substitute if he goes over 3 or 4 times a day. So, I think it is important to take the needs of both mother and child into consideration - respecting both people and coming to a mutually acceptable "agreement." Hope this helps.
 

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#9 of 22 Old 09-29-2012, 12:16 AM
 
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ım glad ı found thıs post.  ı am nursıng a 21 month old and have pretty much hated ıt sınce day 1.  he nurses lıke 20x a day stıll.  ı mean ı love that he loves ıt and ıts good for hım and gets hım to sleep easıly... but havıng someone constantly need me feels SO awful.  He NEVER snuggles wıthout nursıng.  He cant even see me wıthout nursıng.  I hate ıt.  He tells my breasts "I love you" constantly.  whıch ıs adorable... but at the same tıme. ı hate for hım to get so attached to somethıng that ı just dont know ıf ım wıllıng to share for thıs long.

ı see now why my brother and ı had "blankıes" and my sıster (who was the only baby nursed and who was nursed for 2.5 years) never got attached to one.  she had a blanky... moms boobs!

ı fully planned to do CLW.  but ım so unhappy breastfeedıng.  often tımes ı am angry at hım a good bıt of the day because of ıt. ım stıll nıce and llvıng, but on the ınsıde ı feel lıke "GET AWAY FROM ME!" :(((  ım sure ıt would be dıfferent ıf I had been CLWd (ı wasnt BFd).  ugh!  ı hate that my own chıldhood trauma stıll has such a HUGE ımpact on me today :(

 

DH and I are plannıng to have another and I just have ZERO ınterest ın nursıng two :(  part of me wants to have another just so my mılk wıll dry up!!  DH ıs really worrıed that DS wıll wean too young.  I dıdnt tell hım I dont want to tandem.

UGH! So overwhelmıng to have someone attached to you all day and nıght. We have never been separated for more than 4 hours.  I know thats healthy and normal for prımates... but for me ITS HORRIBLE.  I love beıng alone :(  


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#10 of 22 Old 09-29-2012, 11:11 AM
 
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Mykidskisstrees... just wanna put out there that it is also normative in many traditional bf societies. And probably among primates ad well (can't look thus up now.....on mt phone) is cross nursing or nursing by an alloparent. Also care by alloparents. I am still nusing my three year old. It is child respective but I personally do not find clw to be that helpful of a concept in the world that I live in. Some people do find it useful and doable. Everyone is different. Wil come say more later.... gotta get back t work wink1.gif be good to yrself mama

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#11 of 22 Old 09-29-2012, 11:16 AM
 
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And I can't edit mmy post righr now.... just saw this us on clw board ao I will say no more here wink1.gif but maybe start a thread on bfing beyond infancy

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#12 of 22 Old 09-29-2012, 11:24 AM
 
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I CLWed all of my kids and am a big advocate of that. However, I think it is never in the mother or child's best interest to push it to the point you may start resenting your little one. If it's really hurting and aggravating you, I agree with the poster who said set some limits on it. Keeping busy so you don't just both end up sitting there on the couch with him pulling your shirt up because he has nothing else occupying him can help. Offering distractions at times you know you'd feel the most agitated about it can be the best option at the time.

 

I agree that he still needs milk and as much as you can handle nursing at this point is going to benefit him. I have, with kids that age, not let them latch on until their mouth is wide, wide open. It's kind of going back to the beginnings and restarting good habits, but it can really help. Best of luck! 

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#13 of 22 Old 09-29-2012, 11:37 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MyKidKissTrees View Post


UGH! So overwhelmıng to have someone attached to you all day and nıght. We have never been separated for more than 4 hours.  I know thats healthy and normal for prımates... but for me ITS HORRIBLE.  I love beıng alone :(  

You sound really overwhelmed. And you say it's been uncomfortable and an unhappy thing for you from the very beginning? I'm sorry you are struggling so much with this. It sounds like you really know all the benefits too but I really wish it could be more pleasant for you. :(  

 

You say your husband is worried about early weaning? I'm always happy to hear about partners who fully support breastfeeding, but do you feel like maybe he's putting too much pressure on you regarding nursing and having another? 

 

I like that you brought up the difference between women who were never nursed and those who were and also just around it a lot as a kid. It does have an impact, an internal, psychological impact. You are changing that for your child and it's something to be proud of. I do think your son will pick up on the resentment though. Make sure to take care of yourself too.

 

Also, I know at that age they can go through stages where they start nursing like newborns again. Are you sure you haven't just been feeling more aggravated over the past few weeks. I remember times with my own too where I'd start feeling like it was getting to be too much and then my little one would come down with a cold or something and I'd realize there had been a reason for their sudden increase and my frustration with them. So sometimes it's good to assess the situation and see if something else is going on like that too. Maybe it really is just a more stressful week than usual, you know? 

 

Hang in there!

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#14 of 22 Old 09-29-2012, 01:22 PM
 
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Yeah I dont feel like this everyday (but probably at least a few days a week).  When he was born I fought SO hard to breastfeed.  Low supply, finger feeding, pumping between.  He literally nursed 45 minutes out of EVERY hour.  Not exaggerating.  I just cried and cried.  I was depressed for over  a year and I know a lot of it was the constant breastfeeding.  If I set him down he woke immediately so I slept with him on my chest for months.  We finally took him to a cranial sacral therapist and he got WAY better.  But the nursing frequency didnt stop.  Feedings got shorter... but still almost every hour.  I have figured out I need 4 hours between feedings to not feel irritated.  (i figured it out because I got my first ppaf and my breasts had NEEDLES in them and I couldnt stand the pain that frequently).  He did okay with the 4 hour breaks.  I just distracted him.  But I feel like all day is me trying to distrct him from me just to get a few more minutes without nursing.  And now he's teething again and its just so awful.  Im dreaming of the day he sees me and says "Mommy" instead of "Mommy, meme!"  Hes SUCH a sweet guy, especially considering how depressed I was, but this nursing is just killing me.  I really want to be the mom that doesn't want to wean!  I want to be the mom that says "as much as you need!"  but I feel like Im pushing myself so hard its hurting our relationship.  I wouldnt even know how to hurt him and say no though.  So I probably never will wean, but it wont be because I love nursing him.  It will because Im afraid of hurting him and feel so guilty for that whole sad first year where I just wasnt happy that I wont be able to bring myself to risk hurting his feelings :(  Im really ticked too that no one I knew told me what breastfeeding really was.  Its not something you do, its your whole life.  Its completely all consuming for me.  OMG, in the car.  EVERYTIME.  Hysterical screaming if I dont nurse him the entire time.  It doesnt matter if we are on a 2 minute ride, a 20 minute ride, or a 20 hour ride.  He wants to have my nipple in his mouth even if he isnt eating!  My back is KILLING me from constantly leaning over to his seat so he can reach.  But he will NOT take no for an answer (not for this or anything really, kid knows what he wants and wont settle for less).  Were out of the country and the car we have I cannot even wear a seatbelt while Im sitting next to him so I just risk it (even though car accidents are one of the top causes of death).  But I cant just NOT nurse him or he screams the entire time.  Its craziness.  The worst part.  If DH takes him... HEs TOTALLY FINE?!  I just dont know how to help him feel more independent and still nurse him like this.  I thought if I just gave him everything he needed that he would learn to trust I was there and wouldnt need me so much.  But the more I give the more he takes... :/


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#15 of 22 Old 09-29-2012, 03:55 PM
 
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MKKT, I wish I could give you a big hug.
 


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#16 of 22 Old 09-29-2012, 04:33 PM
 
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I really want to be the mom that doesn't want to wean!  I want to be the mom that says "as much as you need!"  but I feel like Im pushing myself so hard its hurting our relationship.  I wouldnt even know how to hurt him and say no though.  So I probably never will wean, but it wont be because I love nursing him.  It will because Im afraid of hurting him and feel so guilty for that whole sad first year where I just wasnt happy that I wont be able to bring myself to risk hurting his feelings :(  Im really ticked too that no one I knew told me what breastfeeding really was.  Its not something you do, its your whole life.  Its completely all consuming for me.  OMG, in the car.  EVERYTIME.  Hysterical screaming if I dont nurse him the entire time.  It doesnt matter if we are on a 2 minute ride, a 20 minute ride, or a 20 hour ride.  He wants to have my nipple in his mouth even if he isnt eating!  My back is KILLING me from constantly leaning over to his seat so he can reach.  But he will NOT take no for an answer (not for this or anything really, kid knows what he wants and wont settle for less).  Were out of the country and the car we have I cannot even wear a seatbelt while Im sitting next to him so I just risk it (even though car accidents are one of the top causes of death).  But I cant just NOT nurse him or he screams the entire time.  Its craziness.  The worst part.  If DH takes him... HEs TOTALLY FINE?!  I just dont know how to help him feel more independent and still nurse him like this.  I thought if I just gave him everything he needed that he would learn to trust I was there and wouldnt need me so much.  But the more I give the more he takes... :/

 

Do you suspect there is something going on that is causing him to want to nurse so much or do you think it's a function of your relationship with him, versus the kind of relationship he has with his dad?

 

Also, if I may ask... what steps have/did you taken to address your depression?  Do you have any support - people that can help you out both with day to day tasks and caring for your son?  Do you have anyone to talk to? 

 

You sound like you are very sensitive to your son's feelings and very  concerned about not hurting him.  You mentioned in a previous post that you think that not being breastfed was traumatic for you.  Do you think this is connected to your fears about hurting your son's feelings.... like maybe you don't want to hurt him the way you were hurt?

 

**

 

I can relate to what you said about wishing you were the mom who can say "as much as you need!"  I have had that exact feeling, both about breastfeeding and other aspects of parenting.  Also the guilt about not being them mom I think my kid deserves.  I was breastfed for thirteen months, although my mom weaned me using bitter herbs, and while I have no particular feelings about that, I have often wondered how big of an impact my various early experiences have had on my mothering.  I know that she nursed me on cue up til then, and that according to her we had a very close relationship.  I also know that she perceived us to have some sort of rupture in our relationship after my brother was born.  At some time after that, she began beating me and this continued and escalated throughout my childhood and young adulthood.  I felt somewhat at ease in mothering during my daughter's infancy, though looking back I had really severe PPD and PPA.  As time has gone one, I've struggled more.  Sometime I wonder if I would be able to be more emotionally present for my DD if I had not had these experiences.  Undoubtably that is the case.  I know that it's also hard for me to set healthy boundaries and feel good about it because of those experiences.  It's hard for me to say no to things or to take care of myself.  It's occasionally hard not to feel envy for moms that from my perspective appear to "naturally" be able to nurture their kids without the same struggles.  Oftentimes I have learned that my perception is nothing more than that... :) 

 

In the same way, I have had many conversations with a therapist about how guilty I feel because I don't meet my own standard of joyful mothering.  Because I also kind of hate breastfeeding, because I haven never felt able to give and give.  This is a fallacy,though.  I breastfed her on cue through two months of severe nipple pain and seven months of mild pain.  And you have related how much you struggled with your early breastfeeding.  But you did it!  You persevered!  You have persevered through almost two years of doing something that you found very uncomfortable because you love your son.  I hope that you can give yourself credit for that.  You did give him "as much as he needed" then.  You did that.  You are that mom.

 

What helps me with the guilt is to remember and accept that I am the mom that my DD has.  I have my own handicaps, and things that I will never be able to do for her.  Over time I've learned to accept that this is good and I am good.  I don't know how exactly that comes, but I am the mom she has. 

 

The best thing I can do for her is to find out how to do things healthily.  I can't CLW her and it's not even an ideal for me anymore.  It would be so incredibly unhealthy for me if I did not limit her nursing at all.  But she has a desire to continue to nurse, so I tried several things until I figured out - how can I honor this and still honor myself?  In our case, I have gradually limited nursing to once a day.  This may allow us to continue nursing until she is five (the age she tells me she wants to nurse to).  At one point, I weaned her for two weeks because I couldn't take it anymore.  It turned out that was just a little nursing sabbatical.  ;)  She came up to me one day and asked if she could nurse and I realized that I actually missed it, despite the fact that it has always been at least a little physically and emotionally uncomfortable for me.  She did not miss a beat.  I no longer resent her for nursing, although I tell her sometimes, "I am done nursing now, please finish up," and "When do you think you will stop nursing?  I think I will be ready to stop soon."  I hope that this is giving her valuable experience in talking about mutual consent and needs and balancing things between two people.  She is three now and it feels amazing to be "ok" with every nursing session and she is ok too.  She cries much less and is much less frustrated than when I had to say no sometimes but it was unpredictable.  I don't know if I could have limited it this much at 21mo, but I began setting major limits starting at 13-15mo.

 

There were tears for both of us, as we worked together to figure out our nursing relationship.  But it really is a relationship.  And one thing that helps me to remember is that as she gets older, I am not responsible for making her "stop crying."  She doesn't have to love everything that I do, or even like it.  For me to want her to like everything I do does not allow her any autonomy.  That is the flip side of never doing something that she dislikes.  She can cry and it won't destroy her.  But if I try to prevent all pain for her... I might actually really hurt her.  Or I might come to believe that because I have sacrificed so much, she is not allowed to be sad.  This is all very unhealthy for both of us. 

 

It sounds like you feel so guilty about not "liking" (much more complex than that, but I'm not having a good vocabulary day) breastfeeding that you are afraid to say no to your son, because you are afraid you will hurt him.  But it also sounds like you are worried that your resentment will hurt your relationship with him.  What a tough position to be in!

 

edits

In the case of the car.... you probably should stop nursing him in the car.  I don't mean to be snarky at all but I am genuinely wondering... You are right about it being unsafe.  Why do you feel that it is preferable to take a risk like being in a car crash than to hear him cry?  Does him feeling rejected "feel" more dangerous and real to you than a car crash?  Are you worried that the sound of him crying will cause a car crash?  (Genuine question... I have felt that way before...)

 

I don't know if you know, but I recently learned that unrestrained passengers in a car crash can kill other people in the car, not just be hurt themselves.

 

Perhaps you can talk to your son instead... tell him that you are sorry that you can't nurse him, but you love him and you want the both of you to be safe.  Hold his hand.  Cry with him.  Or turn up the music if the sound is too painful for you.  What does he do in the car if you are driving?  He is getting to the age where he can face some frustration and come out stronger.  It really can make things better for you both.  You are not a bad mom or a failure at anything if you tell him "no" to nursing and he cries.  Sometimes we have to say no so we can say yes.  I'm sorry if that sounds trite; I feel like I'm not expressing myself well. 

 

My heart goes out to you, you seem like you are in a great deal of pain and trying so hard to be good to your family.

 

edit....

 

What would your husband's response be if you told him you wanted to wean?  Does that affect your decisions? 


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#17 of 22 Old 09-30-2012, 01:02 AM
 
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Thank you thank you for such a kınd and supportıve response :)

I already feel better just knowıng Im not the only mom emotıonally strugglıng wıth nursıng.  Although I wouldnt wısh ıt on anyone!

The depressıon just swıtched off the a lıght after 12 months.  very strange!  but ıve heard others say the same thıng.  they just woke up and ıt was gone.  that was lıke mıne.  ı dıdnt tell anyone how ı felt untıl afterward.  ı was too embarassed.  now ı talk about ıt wıth everyone.  ı want all other women to know ıts okay and to not feel ashamed about ıt.  but at the tıme ı was quıet.

yeah my husbands opınıon defnıtely ımpacts me.  we both really want to do whats best for DS.  But ıf I really decıded I couldnt handle ıt anymore he would support me.  hes really supportıve and thınks ım an awesome mom (even when ım awful).  so thats a real gıft :)

 

ı was very stressed durıng my pregnancy though because of my husbands famıly (hes foreıgn and from a very conservatıve relıgıous socıety) and hıs behavıor ın relatıon to them and not beıng honest about our famıly etc.  It was awful.  I dıdnt bond wıth DS the whole pregnancy.  Then the bırth was traumatızıng.  I had a homebırth but he was posterıor for most of labor and I was ın excrucıatıng paın.  It was just awful.  At the end hıs heart rate dropped I had to get hım all out ın two pushes.  I tore... just a bad expeıence ın general.  He got a neonatal fever and we had to go to the hospıtal.  It was chrıstmas.  blah blah blah... nursıng was next to ımpossıble.  I mıssed my daughter.  We had been so close and I felt lıke I had made a mıstake wantıng another and leavıng her out to hang (even though she was 4 already).  But at 12 months we had an accıdent.  We were vısıtıng my parents and DD forgot to shut the basement door.  I just had thıs feelıng and started runnıng and I saw my son standıng at the top of the staırs.  he looked and me and smıled and then fell all the way down 14 staırs to the basement and I just lost ıt.  After that my depressıon broke.  ıt was very odd.  Lıke all of a sudden I realızed he was my baby and not just my husbands.  I thınk also my husband was REALLY focused on hım and dıdnt seem to be concerned wıth me at all lıke he use to be.  So I felt lıke I was just takıng care of hıs baby for hım.  And DD was mıne (even though she prefers hım too, haha).

So I thınk that fırst year of me beıng lovıng and affectıonate (lıke I was hıs aunt or a lıve ın nanny) but knowıng I wasnt "feelıng" ıt ıs probably what made hım so clıngy.  LIke he CONSTANTLY needs to hear and KNOW how much I love hım because I really just dıdnt ın the begınnıng :/  And now our breastfeedıng relatıonshıp ıs just a contınuatıon of that ınıtıal ınsecurıty and damage... 

I am goıng to gıve myself another month and see how I feel.  Maybe after these two molars come ın I wıll be able to cut down the constant feedıngs wıth hım wıthout too much paın.

A frıend of my husbands here dıed last nıght ın a car accıdent.  Car nursıng ıs out.  That ıs the second person to dıe ın thıs small town ın a car accıdent sınce weve been here.  You are rıght about the unbuckled person beıng a danger to others.  I trıed to explaın that to my husband (but he grew up as ın INFANT on someones lap ın the front seat).  But ıts over.  Ill just hold hıs hand...

 

I have to run but thank you for your help :))


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#18 of 22 Old 09-30-2012, 04:25 PM
 
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Sounds like you have had a lot happen in the last two years.  hug2.gifI am so sorry to hear about your husband's friend.

 

It also sounds like you have had a number of very powerful reasons to experience the depression you did.  It sounds like your son's birth was very traumatic and that is a well known contributor to PPD.  In addition, being in a new cultural environment, in a cross-cultural marriage, as part of your mothering environment can also contribute to PPD.  Mothers find comfort in experiencing their culture's norms of mothercare after giving birth, and when you are in an environment with different norms, it's common to not get the nurturing that you deeply need.  And the experience of feeling like you didn't love your son with mother's love during that first year is very very common in situations like yours.  I don't know if that is useful to you at all, but just in case, I want to put that out there. 

 

I also do want to point out that the fact that your son keeps seeking comfort from you and wants more and more from you is a sign that he trusts you, that you have been fulfilling his needs, and that he feels bonded to you.  Children whose caretakers have not met their needs will not seek comfort from them.  You have obviously been meeting his needs for affection and comfort because he continues to turn to you.  DD, until very recently, has always asked for more from me than from her dad and I think many breastfeeding moms will be able to attest to that.  ;)   Anyhow, at this point it may not be in his or your best interests to give him the more and more he asks for (because as they get older, one of their needs is in fact "consistent limits" - and this, too, is comforting for them) but it also may not be fair to you or him to say you have damaged him, although I can certainly relate to the feeling.....  Some kids do naturally "taper off" in nursing on their own, some do it early and some do it late.  But not all kids do and not all kids do at the pace that is necessary for the mom to feel healthy. 

 

Personally, I don't think it's sign that you've damaged him that he isn't tapering off.  It's probably a sign that he still has a high suck need.  My daughter is this way.  Many other moms on MDC have kids like this.  Know what else?  It's not *that* easy to wean these kids.  Lots of them have or love their pacifiers in addition to their booby.  You can cut way down and they will often continue to nurse and nurse and nurse.  Of course there is no guarantee, but in my uh.... very scientific sampling of uh.... reading these forums for a couple of years, and nursing a high suck need toddler.... kids with that high need seldom spontaneously wean when limits are placed on them.  Yeah, it's good news and bad news.... ;)  

 

I am not trying to minimize your feelings that something is out of kilter in your relationship, by the way, and I apologize in advance if it comes across that way.  I think your feelings probably signal that you need some healing and balance, for both of you.  I don't really know what to suggest for that... perhaps someone else can advise.  But it sounds like you are in a little bit of a crisis right now, and it's always best to "plug the hole" in the boat so you can patch it and bail out the water.  Not sure if that made sense.  But dealing with the crisis first will help you find the way to have that healing. 

 

Gotta run.... it sounds like you have a plan for dealing with your current situation.  hug2.gif again.  I hope that stopping the car nursing goes easy for you.  (I can certainly understand about your DH not having ridden in a carseat himself affecting his perception of danger.)  If you have time and inclination, it may be worth it to check out the PPD and Healing Birth Trauma boards on MDC.  You may find a good deal many more moms who can relate to your situation. 


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#19 of 22 Old 10-01-2012, 12:10 AM
 
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smile.gif thıs was so helpful!  yesterday we went on an hour car rıde.  ı nursed hım rıght before we left but of course as soon as we got ın the car "mommy meme"  so... ı asked ıf he wanted to sıng a song because we werent doıng nursıng ın the car anymore and he saıd yes!  so everytıme he would ask to nurse ı would make up a lıttle clappıng song about why we couldnt nurse ın the car.  haha.  ıt was a lıttle obnoxıous ı thınk.  but everyone was laughıng so ı guess ıt worked.  ı also offered hım snacks to eat whıch helped on the tımes the song dıdnt cut ıt.  but we made ıt the whole hour wıth no nursıng.  and then somethıng funny happened... he dıdnt nurse agaın for two MORE hours.  I offered hım a nursıng once we arrıved and he saıd "nope PLAY."  ı thınk maybe he was really just cravıng a lımıt and because he saw ı was unsure of what to do he just kept pushıng.  our DD does somethıng sımılar when we try to gether up to go potty at nıght... ıf she senses our hesıtatıon to wake her she refuses to get up and go.  ı guess ı just need to be more confıdent ın my choıces and the kıds wıll not get so confused about what they are supposed to do.  

today we wıll go on another hour car rıde to another cıty so hopefully we can have the same success!

you are dead on about the dıfferent cultures thıng after the baby.  my MIL was wıth us for three months (one before bırth 2 after) and had opınıons about EVERYTHING.  shes a very helpful woman but there ıs nothıng worse than havıng someone CONSTANTLY tellıng you what to do... especıally sınce ı alreayd HAVE a healthy older chıld!  ıt was just a nıghtmare.  I told DH that wıll NEVER happen agaın and he better fınd a nıce way to say WE DONT NEED HELP THANKS MOM :)  

 

anyways thanks agaın for helpıng me feel better at one of my many low poınts ın motherıng.  :)  


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#20 of 22 Old 10-01-2012, 02:37 PM
 
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Wow, that is just incredible about the car nursing and him wanting to play afterwards!  It sounds like you both came out feeling pretty good about that.  Good for you!  I hope that your next trip goes just as well.  :)

 

(And my head is just spinning thinking about 3 months with your MIL.  My mom is helpful too, but also really opinionated, and really bossy, and even though it was nice to have her right after DD was born, I was pretty happy to see her go after two weeks.... LOL.  I kept feeling like I had to get up and clean with her, and she kept telling me that I should let my newborn baby "cry it out" even though she had never done that with me. .. maybe because she'd never done it with me, lol.)

 

Keep us posted on how things are going for you!


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#21 of 22 Old 10-02-2012, 12:19 AM
 
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thank you so much!!  I wıll!!  :)


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#22 of 22 Old 10-05-2012, 03:14 AM
 
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http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby

I
 found thıs (ı may had read ıt before but forgot)... but thıs ıs EXACTLY my chıld.  I thınk thıs ıs probably why I hate nursıng so much.  Mıght help some other moms as well :)


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