Quote:
Originally Posted by
MyKidKissTrees
I really want to be the mom that doesn't want to wean! I want to be the mom that says "as much as you need!" but I feel like Im pushing myself so hard its hurting our relationship. I wouldnt even know how to hurt him and say no though. So I probably never will wean, but it wont be because I love nursing him. It will because Im afraid of hurting him and feel so guilty for that whole sad first year where I just wasnt happy that I wont be able to bring myself to risk hurting his feelings
Im really ticked too that no one I knew told me what breastfeeding really was. Its not something you do, its your whole life. Its completely all consuming for me. OMG, in the car. EVERYTIME. Hysterical screaming if I dont nurse him the entire time. It doesnt matter if we are on a 2 minute ride, a 20 minute ride, or a 20 hour ride. He wants to have my nipple in his mouth even if he isnt eating! My back is KILLING me from constantly leaning over to his seat so he can reach. But he will NOT take no for an answer (not for this or anything really, kid knows what he wants and wont settle for less). Were out of the country and the car we have I cannot even wear a seatbelt while Im sitting next to him so I just risk it (even though car accidents are one of the top causes of death). But I cant just NOT nurse him or he screams the entire time. Its craziness. The worst part. If DH takes him... HEs TOTALLY FINE?! I just dont know how to help him feel more independent and still nurse him like this. I thought if I just gave him everything he needed that he would learn to trust I was there and wouldnt need me so much. But the more I give the more he takes... :/
Do you suspect there is something going on that is causing him to want to nurse so much or do you think it's a function of your relationship with him, versus the kind of relationship he has with his dad?
Also, if I may ask... what steps have/did you taken to address your depression? Do you have any support - people that can help you out both with day to day tasks and caring for your son? Do you have anyone to talk to?
You sound like you are very sensitive to your son's feelings and very concerned about not hurting him. You mentioned in a previous post that you think that not being breastfed was traumatic for you. Do you think this is connected to your fears about hurting your son's feelings.... like maybe you don't want to hurt him the way you were hurt?
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I can relate to what you said about wishing you were the mom who can say "as much as you need!" I have had that exact feeling, both about breastfeeding and other aspects of parenting. Also the guilt about not being them mom I think my kid deserves. I was breastfed for thirteen months, although my mom weaned me using bitter herbs, and while I have no particular feelings about that, I have often wondered how big of an impact my various early experiences have had on my mothering. I know that she nursed me on cue up til then, and that according to her we had a very close relationship. I also know that she perceived us to have some sort of rupture in our relationship after my brother was born. At some time after that, she began beating me and this continued and escalated throughout my childhood and young adulthood. I felt somewhat at ease in mothering during my daughter's infancy, though looking back I had really severe PPD and PPA. As time has gone one, I've struggled more. Sometime I wonder if I would be able to be more emotionally present for my DD if I had not had these experiences. Undoubtably that is the case. I know that it's also hard for me to set healthy boundaries and feel good about it because of those experiences. It's hard for me to say no to things or to take care of myself. It's occasionally hard not to feel envy for moms that from my perspective appear to "naturally" be able to nurture their kids without the same struggles. Oftentimes I have learned that my perception is nothing more than that...
In the same way, I have had many conversations with a therapist about how guilty I feel because I don't meet my own standard of joyful mothering. Because I also kind of hate breastfeeding, because I haven never felt able to give and give. This is a fallacy,though. I breastfed her on cue through two months of severe nipple pain and seven months of mild pain. And you have related how much you struggled with your early breastfeeding. But you did it! You persevered! You have persevered through almost two years of doing something that you found very uncomfortable because you love your son. I hope that you can give yourself credit for that.
You did give him "as much as he needed" then. You did that. You are that mom.
What helps me with the guilt is to remember and accept that I am the mom that my DD has. I have my own handicaps, and things that I will never be able to do for her. Over time I've learned to accept that this is good and I am good. I don't know how exactly that comes, but I am the mom she has.
The best thing I can do for her is to find out how to do things healthily. I can't CLW her and it's not even an ideal for me anymore. It would be so incredibly unhealthy for me if I did not limit her nursing at all. But she has a desire to continue to nurse, so I tried several things until I figured out - how can I honor this and still honor myself? In our case, I have gradually limited nursing to once a day. This may allow us to continue nursing until she is five (the age she tells me she wants to nurse to). At one point, I weaned her for two weeks because I couldn't take it anymore. It turned out that was just a little nursing sabbatical.
She came up to me one day and asked if she could nurse and I realized that I actually missed it, despite the fact that it has always been at least a little physically and emotionally uncomfortable for me. She did not miss a beat. I no longer resent her for nursing, although I tell her sometimes, "I am done nursing now, please finish up," and "When do you think you will stop nursing? I think I will be ready to stop soon." I hope that this is giving her valuable experience in talking about mutual consent and needs and balancing things between two people. She is three now and it feels amazing to be "ok" with every nursing session and she is ok too. She cries much less and is much less frustrated than when I had to say no sometimes but it was unpredictable. I don't know if I could have limited it this much at 21mo, but I began setting major limits starting at 13-15mo.
There were tears for both of us, as we worked together to figure out our nursing relationship. But it really is a relationship. And one thing that helps me to remember is that as she gets older, I am not responsible for making her "stop crying." She doesn't have to love everything that I do, or even like it. For me to want her to like everything I do does not allow her any autonomy. That is the flip side of never doing something that she dislikes. She can cry and it won't destroy her. But if I try to prevent all pain for her... I might actually really hurt her. Or I might come to believe that because I have sacrificed so much, she is not allowed to be sad. This is all very unhealthy for both of us.
It sounds like you feel so guilty about not "liking" (much more complex than that, but I'm not having a good vocabulary day) breastfeeding that you are afraid to say no to your son, because you are afraid you will hurt him. But it also sounds like you are worried that your resentment will hurt your relationship with him. What a tough position to be in!
edits
In the case of the car.... you probably should stop nursing him in the car. I don't mean to be snarky at all but I am genuinely wondering... You are right about it being unsafe. Why do you feel that it is preferable to take a risk like being in a car crash than to hear him cry? Does him feeling rejected "feel" more dangerous and real to you than a car crash? Are you worried that the sound of him crying will cause a car crash? (Genuine question... I have felt that way before...)
I don't know if you know, but I recently learned that unrestrained passengers in a car crash can kill other people in the car, not just be hurt themselves.
Perhaps you can talk to your son instead... tell him that you are sorry that you can't nurse him, but you love him and you want the both of you to be safe. Hold his hand. Cry with him. Or turn up the music if the sound is too painful for you. What does he do in the car if you are driving? He is getting to the age where he can face some frustration and come out stronger. It really can make things better for you both. You are not a bad mom or a failure at anything if you tell him "no" to nursing and he cries. Sometimes we have to say no so we can say yes. I'm sorry if that sounds trite; I feel like I'm not expressing myself well.
My heart goes out to you, you seem like you are in a great deal of pain and trying so hard to be good to your family.
edit....
What would your husband's response be if you told him you wanted to wean? Does that affect your decisions?