Don't offer/ don't refuse - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 17 Old 03-15-2006, 05:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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is this considered CLW? i've been doing this (except at bedtime) with ds since he was about 18mo. He's 3 now, and still going strong...
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#2 of 17 Old 03-15-2006, 07:08 PM
 
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I think so. But that's just one mama's opinion. I imagine LLL doesn't agree.
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#3 of 17 Old 03-15-2006, 07:21 PM
 
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I think it CAN be a form of weaning, but it isn't always. Say, in the case of a nursing strike.

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#4 of 17 Old 03-15-2006, 10:20 PM
 
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I think "don't offer don't refuse" is often used as a weaning technique. But if your 3 yo is still going strong, I'd say its working fine for you! Some children ask often enough, you don't need to offer!
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#5 of 17 Old 03-15-2006, 11:52 PM
 
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I'm a follower of the don't offer/don't refuse. dd is past 5.5 yrs and still nurses at bedtime if I'm around, she doesn't put up much of a fuss if she's only with Dh.

mom to 14yr dd and 4yr dd
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#6 of 17 Old 03-16-2006, 01:40 AM
 
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I consider Don't Offer/Don't Refuse to be a weaning technique for a child who doesn't fully understand the social interactions of nursing. I have come across many younger toddlers (beginning of 2nd year) who want to nurse all the time, and can communicate in words or signs the concept of "nurse" but don't really seem to put the two together. They don't really realize they can request it.

Like let's say the child knew the word for "apple." So, if you said "Do you want a banana or apple" they would say "apple." But would never come up w/the idea of eating an apple on their own. At a young age, IMO a child crying/upset IS asking to nurse, simply because they cannot put together the solution to their problem (be it hunger or hurt) does not mean they need it less.

They get confused, or distracted, or whatever and easily wean. I think, though, once you've gotten into a more verbal communicative focused stage it is "safer" to not offer/not refuse and not worry about premature weaning. That said, even older kids will sometimes loose it to a point that they simply forget about nursing, even though if brought up they even realize that is what they need.

Did that make sense at all?

 

 

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#7 of 17 Old 03-16-2006, 08:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, what you're saying makes sense, Tired... I gues my boy was more communicative than many: he was making a specific sound to request nursing at like 6 months. So, like just about everything else, I guess it depends on the kid.
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#8 of 17 Old 03-17-2006, 12:15 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zansmama
Yeah, what you're saying makes sense, Tired... I gues my boy was more communicative than many: he was making a specific sound to request nursing at like 6 months. So, like just about everything else, I guess it depends on the kid.
To clarify, I do think that most kids in teh 6-18 month range have at least one way of "asking" to nurse. Just some don't seem to... well, remember to do so. So it's up to mom to remind them until they are a bit older (and don't actually "need" it anymore).

 

 

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#9 of 17 Old 03-17-2006, 06:33 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zansmama
is this considered CLW? i've been doing this (except at bedtime) with ds since he was about 18mo. He's 3 now, and still going strong...
You know I have heard people say this is a weaning technique but how could you never say no and still be sane? Lets see I have been asked to nurse while driving, on the toilet, in line at the grocery store, while taking a shower, while moving a dresser up a flight of stairs...

I think that CLW is following a childs "lead" not 100% control. If you have a nursling that is down to a couple per day then not offering will probably expidite the process but some nurslings nurse so much you can't offer. I try not to put too much definition around it. Afterall balance is the key to any relationship.

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#10 of 17 Old 03-18-2006, 04:17 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lyttlewon
You know I have heard people say this is a weaning technique but how could you never say no and still be sane? Lets see I have been asked to nurse while driving, on the toilet, in line at the grocery store, while taking a shower, while moving a dresser up a flight of stairs...


My DD was making our "milkie" sign at a very young age too! So she will "ask" throughout the day and even tells me which side and when it's time to switch "other side, this side yuck - switch"

I have been trying the don't offer thing - as I hardly ever offer anymore she asks enough that I don't have too, but in the middle of the day I offer a cup of milk, water, or food in place of nursing. - That's probably not CLW then, huh?

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#11 of 17 Old 03-18-2006, 11:37 AM
 
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I guess it just depends on the child. I used to laugh when I saw that people considered "don't offer, don't refuse" a weaning technique. If I did that, my 3.5 year old would still be nursing 8 hours+ a day. She will just sit on my lap some days and nurse for over an hour at a time, and that's with my refusals at other times. She's very persistant.
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#12 of 17 Old 03-18-2006, 03:06 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lyttlewon
You know I have heard people say this is a weaning technique but how could you never say no and still be sane? Lets see I have been asked to nurse while driving, on the toilet, in line at the grocery store, while taking a shower, while moving a dresser up a flight of stairs...
IRL, I think the main issue for a younger nursling is "Don't Offer." So many moms come on saying their child is weaning (at 10-15 months). All they did was stop offering and the child basically stopped nursing. I am NOT saying you cannot have limits, say "later", etc... and still CLW. I am just saying that if you child is not nursing very often under 2 it is still the responsibility of the mother to OFFER.

 

 

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#13 of 17 Old 03-18-2006, 03:14 PM
 
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Yeah I think it's gotta be meant for younger kids because if I never refused my 3 1/2 year old I would have a hard time getting through the day - that kid is an ADDICT!!!

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#14 of 17 Old 03-18-2006, 03:18 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TiredX2
IRL, I think the main issue for a younger nursling is "Don't Offer." So many moms come on saying their child is weaning (at 10-15 months). All they did was stop offering and the child basically stopped nursing. I am NOT saying you cannot have limits, say "later", etc... and still CLW. I am just saying that if you child is not nursing very often under 2 it is still the responsibility of the mother to OFFER.

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#15 of 17 Old 03-22-2006, 01:24 AM
 
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We are currently doing "don't offer, don't refuse" and I am pretty sure it isn't getting us anywhere close to weaning, which is fine. I just don't offer it anymore than he asks because my nipples hurt and I am not finding breastfeeding during pregnancy to be the most fun thing in the whole wide world. He is 21 months and plenty vocal and not afraid to ask to "nur" several times a day. I do sometimes make him wait until later (like when driving), but even that is hard since he now knows the word "please"

Anyhow, I do think the whole not offering thing can be implemented waaaaaay too young. My son was very active and busy (still is) and if I hadn't offered him my breast, he probably would have weaned around 10 months old. In fact, I was worried for a bit right around 1 year as I had not realized that I had to offer to him and he went 2 days with only nursing once. He was more than thrilled to nurse though with just a simple reminder from me. But now that he is older I just nurse him when he asks and he asks plenty. I figure in this form it is CLW as I don't know how long he will go, but I am open to it and just want him to wean himself whenever he is ready (which could be years and years... who knows).

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#16 of 17 Old 03-22-2006, 01:51 AM
 
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My oldest son was weaned using don't offer/don't refuse. He was the oldest kid I'd ever heard of still nursing at just 14 mos, and everyone who knew he was still nursing thought I was nuts. I stopped offering - and to be fair, I also started college when he was 13 mos so wasn't home as much, and he gradually stopped asking and was weaned around 15 mos. It wasn't traumatic for him, and until quite a few years later, I thought of it as "CLW." Knowing what I know now, he would surely have nursed quite a while longer if I'd kept offering because he was still such a baby. He was just so busy and active at that age that he easily forgot about nursing. I'm happy that he got 15 mos of a lovely nursing relationship, especially since I'd never even met a breastfed baby until I was pregnant with him and my original goal was 6 weeks (when I had to return to high school.) I'm sad, though, that he and my other son didn't truly get to nurse until they outgrew the need - and that I never got to enjoy the great little conversations I have with my current dd.

My current nursling is nearly 3 and very verbal and sophisticated. I think if I never offered, she'd nurse about as much as she does now. I tend to offer, though, when it's convenient for me or I think it'd help her re-center herself, and she asks away whenever she wants. Of course now that she's older, there's a fair amount of negotiating that goes on that I didn't do when she was littler. For example, we have a deal about not nursing when mommy has to go potty, and I can no longer carry her around nursing while cooking dinner since she's just so long and heavy. Of course, now she's old enough to understand that I really will sit down with her in a minute, or when supper is cooked, and asking her to wait a little bit doesn't break her heart the way it would have when she was a baby. I don't think CLW means you have to nurse the instant it's requested every time no matter what - but on the other hand I don't purposely put her off unless I truly have to finish something else first. I think since her needs have been met along the way, she is also now confident that her needs will continue to be met, so if I have to ask her to wait, it's no big deal. When she was a baby, though, I found ways to meet her needs more instantly because she wasn't mature enough to understand and really did need me right away. I also needed to offer more when she was little, because she didn't yet understand that nursing would help her feel better, or nap, or whatever she needed - but now she's pretty aware of how much she likes to nurse, so she takes care of getting it done.
Does that make sense?
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#17 of 17 Old 03-22-2006, 02:12 AM
 
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I used don't offer/don't refuse and after a busy week (having a lot of errands) he was done daytime nursing. This was at 24 mos...he is 26 mos. now. I guess he was so busy that he really didn't care about nursing. He still nurses at bedtime and when he wakes up at night
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