Child-led pacifer weaning? - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 17 Old 06-07-2006, 12:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
fuller2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Though I get the impression that pacifers are frowned upon in CLW, I'd like some advice anyway . My son is 3 yrs & a couple of months and still nurses around 1-3 times a day. He also uses a pacifier to go to sleep, which we started when he was about 18 months old b/c of my near-psychosis sleep deprivation and needing to be on the ball during the day because I'm a grad student and single mom.

He LOVES his pacifer, and becomes VERY sad without it--cries harder than he does about anything else. He even prefers it to nursing a lot of the time--he does not want to nurse to sleep but prefers the pacifer. (I lie down with him and cuddle him while he 'nurses' the pacifer to sleep. He also does this when he stays with his dad.) I don't in principle have any major issues with the pacifier, but you hear so much about crooked teeth, and I am not thrilled with whatever chemicals he may be getting from the rubber. (Of course, he's getting plenty of PCBs etc in the breast milk too.) I usually take it out as soon as he's asleep, but sometimes I fall asleep myself and forget, or occasionally when I absolutely must get some work done, I leave it in his mouth while he naps b/c it often gets me an extra hour.

On the one hand, I feel like he can let go of the pacifer when he's ready, just like with nursing. On the other hand, what about teeth and sucking on a piece of manufactured rubber for an hour or so every day? I really like that he can 'nurse' with his dad, but sometimes his dad shows signs of being ready to evict the pacifer.

DS really is 'addicted' to going to sleep with it. Last night I talked to him about it and said that many people go to sleep without a pacifer and that he probably could too, but he just cried and cried and said he could not go to sleep without it. If he does not have it he thrashes around from side to side and gets very agitated--but as soon as the binkie pops in the mouth, he relaxes immediately and is usually out within a few minutes.

What should I do? Just let him give it up when he wants to, or try to teach him to sleep without it? As a friend said, "Braces are a small price to pay for him not ending up in therapy for 10 years." He LOVES, loves, loves to be held and snuggle while he has the binky--it's one of his most favorite things in the world.
fuller2 is offline  
#2 of 17 Old 06-07-2006, 10:58 PM
 
pianojazzgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Montreal
Posts: 4,335
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wish I had some advice for you. Just know you're not alone. My dd is much younger than your ds, but equally addicted to the pacifier at sleep time. I really cannot imagine her self-weaning from it for a long time. I'll be watching this thread.

Kate, mom to 7 year old Djuna and 4 yr old Alden. Missing our good friend Hal the cat who died June 2, 2010

pianojazzgirl is offline  
#3 of 17 Old 06-07-2006, 11:12 PM
 
J-Max's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: surrounded by cows and kids
Posts: 2,164
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I have an almost 3 year old that is addicted to her NUKie. She sounds a lot like your DS. She weaned at 15 months because of my milk drying up with pregnancy, adn is even more addicted to it because of that. It is her only comfort tool and her "security blanket". Her teeth are a little crooked, but so are dd#1 and dh - so I don't know if it is herditary or not. Right now we are planning on CLW of it - her nursing was taken away so we are not planning on taking it away unless it becomes a problem. We have talked to her about not using it, but like you son she because hysterical about it.

belly.gifSAHM, carseat geek, cattle raising woman to 5 girls (15, 10, 8, 6, 2) wild.gifand a stork-suprise.gif due in July!
J-Max is online now  
#4 of 17 Old 06-08-2006, 12:08 AM
 
meadowgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 100
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't know if it's worth trying, but I have heard that you can cut the tip off and the kid will reject it because it doesn't work/feel the same anymore.

Hard to say if this will work with an older toddler though. Guess it won't hurt to try -- as long as you have a backup paci that isn't cut!
meadowgirl is offline  
#5 of 17 Old 06-08-2006, 01:15 AM
 
ShadowMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 4,416
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think that when a child is no longer that reliant on something, you can just take it away or tell them you don't think they need it anymore, and it can work.

But when they are still really reliant, there's no easy way.

If it were me, I would just let him keep the pacifier. As he gets older he will get rid of it on his own.

ITA with your friend's quote, is what I'm saying.
ShadowMom is offline  
#6 of 17 Old 06-08-2006, 01:22 AM
 
J-Max's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: surrounded by cows and kids
Posts: 2,164
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by meadowgirl
I don't know if it's worth trying, but I have heard that you can cut the tip off and the kid will reject it because it doesn't work/feel the same anymore.

Hard to say if this will work with an older toddler though. Guess it won't hurt to try -- as long as you have a backup paci that isn't cut!
I think this may work for someone ready to give it up or a very young baby, but it would never work for us . This winter dd had one get a hole in it and it was very tramatic, she told us for days about her nuk that was broken and wanted daddy to fix it. She has another one the same color and will still occasionally say, "remember that other pink nuk that had a hole and was broken"

belly.gifSAHM, carseat geek, cattle raising woman to 5 girls (15, 10, 8, 6, 2) wild.gifand a stork-suprise.gif due in July!
J-Max is online now  
#7 of 17 Old 06-08-2006, 02:04 AM
 
mamasgirls's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Colorado
Posts: 667
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You are not alone. I am trying to let my dd wean herself from her pacis and it still has not happened. She is almost 4.5 years old. We now limit them to her bed, but if she is stressed out or tired she will lay in her bed and suck on her paci. It is a huge comfort for her still, and I am not ready to take it away yet.

My 2 y/o dd was never offered a paci, so it is not an issue for her. She is equally attached to her nursies still at this point, though

Anyway- I have talked about it with my older dd, but I really don't want to take them away before *she* is ready, and she is obviously not ready yet.

C- mama to K (8) and A (5.5) (8w5d) 10/08, new baby O-2.11.10
mamasgirls is offline  
#8 of 17 Old 06-08-2006, 02:05 AM
 
anniegirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 910
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't have any experience with this, but my gut says let the little guy have it until he's ready to be done with it. Especially since it's only for sleeping and it sounds like it provides important comfort going back and forth between you and his dad. It seems like most kids these days end up with braces regardless of pacifiers, so what's the difference anyway.
anniegirl is offline  
#9 of 17 Old 06-08-2006, 09:51 AM
 
Momtwice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 10,468
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My first loved his pacifier. He was definitely not ready to give it up at three. He used it long after that. Teeth are fine.

My second never had one. I nursed her longer and more often. She used to play with his pacifier sometimes. She'd put it in her mouth mimicking him but she never really understood how to latch onto it, LOL. It was pretty funny.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
Momtwice is offline  
#10 of 17 Old 06-08-2006, 06:38 PM
 
terrabella's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: holiday knitting hell
Posts: 752
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My Wolfie weaned himself off of his pacifier around four. He has been my only paci baby, so it was weird, but I'm totally "when they're ready" in my mothering, so it wasn't a big deal at all. Oh, and his teeth are lovely.
terrabella is offline  
#11 of 17 Old 06-08-2006, 07:17 PM
 
2bluefish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 4,638
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi gals!
I'm a big fan of the pacifier. Saved my sanity with my high need dd (19 months now). She weaned from the breast a few months ago when I entered the 2nd trimester. Just seemed like there wasn't enough milk for her to bother with. But she went right on using that pacifier day and night. It hurt my feelings a bit, but mostly I was afraid it would interfer with her talking. So I tried taking it away from her during the day, but I noticed that she was very moody, and we had behavior problems. I could see that she really had learned to self soothe with the pacifier.

I felt alot better when I read a book by Dr. Brazleton - To Listen to A Child - that talked about how "lovies" help children handle the demands of our driven society. How even though we try not to push our children, it is the nature of our society, and they can sometimes push themselves. I could see dd in all of it, seems like the kid has been pushing herself from day 1 - which is the biggest part of her "high neededness".

So I tried a suggestion in the book, I tied the pacifier around the neck of a stuffed cat that she had taken too. Each morning I ask her for "foofoo" and tie it around kitty. I let her have it still at naps and at night (and she gets the kitty then too). For awhile she carried the kitty everywhere, and when she needed a suck she would sit down and hold the kitty. But it definately lessened her sucking time - it was not convenient. Now I hardly ever see her go for kitty - she leaves it in her room mostly. Usually if she gets it, it is a sign of needing her nap. I've been so pleased at how easy it was, and I feel it was a very kind way to wean her. I'm not in a hurry to stop her from using it at night. Also during the day she is very attached to her sippy cups. She drinks mostly water and plenty of it - it's great!

Maybe you can try a similar strategy but at night? I guess the idea is that he will gradually transfer his soothing action to the stuffed animal, and then you can take the pacifier away altogether.
2bluefish is offline  
#12 of 17 Old 06-08-2006, 11:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
fuller2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for all the replies. I think I'm just going to let him keep it for as long as he wants. When I get ideas about getting rid of it, it usually comes from my head rather than my heart, if you know what I mean, and also because of whatever outside opinion is influencing me that day.

He loves it, he doesn't overuse it, and it is really important to me that he have that kind of comfort available to him when he needs it, especially with going back and forth between his dad & me. His dad and I get along pretty well, and he sees DS almost every day, but it is still a disruption and making the little guy live 2 lives--so if this brings him comfort (and does so so very easily!) then what's the harm?

He didn't nurse once all day today. He's definitely going to be keeping the binkie longer than he keeps nursing . Oh well!
fuller2 is offline  
#13 of 17 Old 06-09-2006, 12:25 AM
 
MoonJelly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Following Tony Bourdain in my other life
Posts: 1,713
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Is he using a latex ones or silicone? Silicone doesn't give off near the chemicals that latex does.

Anyway, I am subbing because we have a similar situation developing, only with my DD she has only just become interested in them.

Partner to DH geek.gif and Former WOHM, now SAHM dizzy.gif to Sensory & ADHD DD (9), with DD (4) and DS (2)nocirc.gif winner.jpghomebirth.jpg

MoonJelly is offline  
#14 of 17 Old 06-09-2006, 01:13 AM
 
JillChristina's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Snohomish, WA
Posts: 660
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dd self-weaned from nursing at 27 months. But she was still using her binky at that time. I wanted to apply the same child-led weaning principle to her pacifier use. I saw nursing and using the paci as being in the same realm (as far as her comfort was concerned). I also could not go the route of the "binky fairy" or cutting the binky. Not criticizing others that use those methods, it just wasn't for me. I also didn't want to drive her to thumb sucking by taking the binky away. I was a LONG term thumb sucker but I didn't start sucking my thumb until my mom took my pacifiers away.

I was worried because as time wore on, I saw Kylie becoming more attached to her binky. But I just kept reminding myself that she wouldn't be 18 with a paci. Recently one of her friends gave up her paci and got to pick a special toy as a reward/gift for giving it up. This must have planted the seed in Kylie's head because a couple of days later she came to me and said she was ready to give up her binky. There was NO coersion or shaming on my part or by dh. This was totally her decision. To encourage her to stick with it, I told her if she could go 7 days without it, we'd let her pick out a special prize. Kylie has never been highly motivated to do anything she doesn't want to do just to get a prize so I knew that there was still a chance she'd go back to the binky. Well, she stuck with it! I am SOOO proud of her. Just like she started sleeping through the night when she was ready, weaned herself from nursing when she was ready, and potty learned when she was ready, she gave up the binky when she was ready too. I love it when my daughter proves to me (and any nay sayers) that she will do everything in her own time without any pressure from me.

So, I say if you want to do CLW with the paci, go for it.

Jill
JillChristina is offline  
#15 of 17 Old 06-10-2006, 12:08 AM
 
meadowgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 100
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree that it's great when kids do things on their own. There really is nothing wrong with using a pacifier. My son gave up his on his own once he got teeth, but if he hadn't, I'd have let him use it as long as he needed.

He just weaned himself from nursing a few weeks ago and although I was sad that he stopped, I was so happy that it was HIS choice. (Well, I think I ran out of milk because of being pregnant, but he still decided he didn't want to bother.)

So I think it's great that you've decided to allow him to continue. Someday he'll decide to let it go, when it's right for him.
meadowgirl is offline  
#16 of 17 Old 06-12-2006, 12:37 PM
 
lyttlewon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 4,307
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You know I have this same problem but with the thumb. I would say follow his lead. His permanent teeth are not coming in yet so I wouldn't worry about braces.
lyttlewon is offline  
#17 of 17 Old 06-12-2006, 03:30 PM
 
dnr3301's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just asked my parenting guru (early childhood family ed parent teacher) her opinion about this, my ds is a little over 2, and I'm starting to wonder if he'll stop nursing before he lets that "naa" go. Anyway, I emailed her and she said (not exactly, I'm paraphrasing to keep within the UA):

her perspective is biased toward emotional well-being.

and (I think thisis similar to the Brazelton stuff)between 18 months and 3 years, "loveys"--like pacifiers--become a security object (read emotional, sensual, physical support) during the difficult period of Autonomy-vs-Doubt and Shame (Erikson). My ds is working on his ability to do things for himself--including comfort himself when upset and calm himself so he can go to sleep. His security objects help him develop the autonomy and self-control he needs to be able to continue his journey of caring for himself. Taking away these security objects can result in kids doubting themselves and their ability to comfort themselves--or more extreme cases, become kids may become ashamed of their impulses (due to excessive parental criticism).
Around 3, kids are better able to reason and want to demonstrate their competence (by giving up "baby" habits).

RE: teeth. even experts disagree, some dentists say it's huge, others say there's a reason we loose baby teeth.

RE: dislike of seeing kids with pacifiers (I had talked about my perrsonal issue of hating pacifiers in general, but having a kid who had an obvious need for one) . This is the best thing you have going for you. It will help you set limits, begin to lessen the habit, while still letting Jalen meet his emotional needs. This approach helps Jalen work on his developmental task of separating thinking (about the pacifier, therefore wanting it) from feeling (knowing when he "needs" the pacifier for comfort or for calming before sleep).


It could look like this:
1. Explain to Jalen the new rule: Pacifiers stay in the bedroom or in the car seat ONLY. Kids can go to the bedroom alone to suck on the pacifier at any time."
2. Get him a special box--preferably with a lid that he can open and shut--to keep his pacifiers in. Let him choose a special place in the room to keep it. (the "Kitty/paci combo" from earlier reminded me of this)
3. Help him remember the rule by posting a sign inside the bedroom door (a pacifier with circle and slash, or a stop sign with a pacifier in it, etc.).
4. Every morning and after naps ask him to look at the sign and remind you of the rule. You may need to help him put it away the first few times ("I can wait with you until you are ready to put it away. Then we'll both go...have a snack, story, etc")
5. During the day when he asks for it, remind him he can go to the bedroom (alone) if he wants to, or he could choose another way of getting comfort (hug from mom/dad, story, cuddle with blanket/stuffed animal, etc.) Try not to express negative feelings about either choice so he doesn't create a power struggle with you around using the pacifier--let him know only the place has changed: he can go use it when he wants it.

This generally really lessens the amount of time it is used, since who wants to leave the scene of action? Then decide on a time to give it up totally, like when he is 3 (but not on his birthday) and talk about that as another big achievement that lies ahead "when he is bigger".


All in all, I thought it was a pretty good set of ideas. She's a really great parent-teacher and comes from an attachment parenting background (lower case ap, not API), so I usually trust what she says. Plus, she has known me for a long time and knows my parenting style and has never given me advice that contradicts it.

I have yet to act on any of it though I just gotta get through the next couple of months here and feel like I have time to devote to it.

R~mama to 3

dnr3301 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off