FOR SURE she'll wean if I don't make her stop? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 12:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My fiancee has been getting on to me about getting my 11 month old daughter, Abryn, to start nursing less. He says his sister's baby, who's only a month older than ours, is weaned already so we should probably wean Abryn pretty soon. He says he talks to his family and they all tell him that I should be at least trying to wean her by now. But in my mind I was always planning on child-led weaning, or atleast until she got a full mouth of teeth. I just don't know what to tell him. I say "she'll stop when she wants/needs to" and he throws me the "if you don't, she'll nurse FOREVER!" and "it's not right to nurse kids once they're able to actually ASK you for it"

I just don't know what to do. And I've actually been nursing her less just to make him happy as we've fought a lot lately and I just want peace in my house, and I feel kind of manipulated.

Even though I have these strong opinions about weaning and co-sleeping (he's getting tired of her in bed with us to "no time for US") I can't seem to stand by them sometimes. We have a twin bed in the room that Abryn now sleeps on. Although I'm actually ok with that, as our bed isn't very big and all of us together on it are pretty cramped.

Any help?
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#2 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 12:30 PM
 
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I would start here.

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#3 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 12:31 PM
 
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The World Health Organization recommends at least 2 years of breastfeeding. I'd just keep telling him that.

Mom to K (06.23.06) & A (09.13.09)
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#4 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 12:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by AlbertaJes View Post
The World Health Organization recommends at least 2 years of breastfeeding. I'd just keep telling him that.



And the American Academy of Family Physicians says if a child under age two is weaned, the child is at increased risk of illness.
http://www.aafp.org/online/en/home/p...tionpaper.html

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#5 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 12:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Tamee View Post
"it's not right to nurse kids once they're able to actually ASK you for it"
Agreed with everything the PPs said. And I wanted to comment on that quote- I heard it many times before I had kids and I kinda always thought it made sense But then I had DD, and she was BORN asking to nurse. I have never met a baby who doesn't ask to nurse from the very start. Just because they reach a point where they can ask for it in words rather than by rooting or crying or grunting or sucking their fist, doesn't make it any less a valid need.

to you, my DH went through a "shouldn't we start weaning" phase around a year too. (You like that? WE? ha) I ignored him for a while, and then a few times when I knew nursing would be a quick easy fix to whatever was ailing her, I let him to try parent her through it- He is an awesome father and sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. But nursing ALWAYS worked (well, 95% of the time). He saw that it was still something she needed and backed off.

Good luck!

Leigh
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#6 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 01:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by LittleBrownDog View Post
to you, my DH went through a "shouldn't we start weaning" phase around a year too. (You like that? WE? ha) I ignored him for a while, and then a few times when I knew nursing would be a quick easy fix to whatever was ailing her, I let him to try parent her through it- He is an awesome father and sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. But nursing ALWAYS worked (well, 95% of the time). He saw that it was still something she needed and backed off.

Good luck!
I think this is a great idea! It's easy for partners to advocate early weaning if they know they aren't going to have to deal with the distraught child.

An 11 month old is still such a baby...and little ones have a need to suck well into the toddler/childhood years. I think that's because nature intended them to nurse well into the toddler/childhood years.

Ask him why try to 'fix' something that isn't broken?
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#7 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 01:10 PM
 
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I would def. suggest to do your homework, get some facts ( and "if they are old enough to ask for it, they are too old to get it"..is not a fact!!) join a le leche league group and gain some support network that way- it *will* help and you will meet other moms who support ebf'ing. good luck mama-it sure doesn't make it easy when your partner is not supportive. Luckily my dh is on board but our family is another story! Whenever my family has butted in about nurising I have told them facts like the ones already mentioned...and they eventually backed off...I even had to get mean when they started making fun of the two of us.... I told them #*@%!-off: at a holiday party and left. they have never said another word to us, albeit... they role their eyes now, but who cares! LOL~C
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#8 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 02:09 PM
 
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Babies need to nurse for two full years as a minimum.

-Angela
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#9 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 02:16 PM
 
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The American Academy of Pediatrics states that babies need to be breastfed for at least 1 FULL year, your baby is not even a year yet? ...and not such a great thing about your sil's baby. Tell you dh to do proper research that doesn't include his family's opinion and get back to you. The World Health Org. recommends babies be breastfed for at least 2 years. Trust your instincts , that's why you are the mama.

I don't understand this "no time for us" thing that everyone keeps saying. Is the only time that you spend with your dh in bed? We have been sleeping with our babies for years and believe me, there are plenty of other places for "us" time that doens't include the bed in our bedroom. Not just speaking to you , I just hear that a lot.

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#10 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 02:31 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Tamee View Post
"it's not right to nurse kids once they're able to actually ASK you for it"
And it's not right to wean before they're old enough to communicate that either.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#11 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 03:03 PM
 
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ITA that babies ought to nurse until they are at least 2yo. The AAP (iirc) says that babies need full fat milk until they are at least 2yo. So why would I STOP feeding my baby/toddler (full fat) people milk, and start feeding cow milk?
My dp got an earful every time he suggested weaning before ds was 2yo. It was basically just "I am NOT going to stop giving him people milk!!"

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

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#12 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 03:23 PM
 
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I'd share this with your dh as well so he has some tools for handling the pressure he is under. My dh I think started getting some comments when dd turned one because he made some to me... after I explained my position and the benefits he backed off for about 18 months... He's made some comments since, usually when he's feeling frustrated about his lack of ability to calm dd.
Handling Criticism re
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#13 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 03:29 PM
 
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I wanted to add what a load of hooey about not stopping unless you MAKE her. It's like the people who think a child will never PT unless you make them- when they are ready it will happen and it won't be a battle.
some benefits of bfing broken down by age
How weaning happens.
Toddlers do wean
Natural age of weaning
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#14 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 05:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Tamee View Post
... and he throws me the "if you don't, she'll nurse FOREVER!" and "it's not right to nurse kids once they're able to actually ASK you for it"




You can assure him that no child ever went to college still nursing.




And you might point out to him that a newborn's crying is how a newborn actually ASKS for nursing. So you've been doing that since birth anyway.

What's the difference if they ask with crying or with words?

Consider it an opportunity to teach them how to say "please" and "thank you."

(For the record, my kids all weaned in the area of 3-and-change. They're b'H not exactly damaged by the experience. )





Pressure from family is tough. You take care of your baby how you feel comfortable. Just smile and say, "Thanks for the advice." And then you just do what you were going to do anyway.

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#15 of 29 Old 04-25-2007, 05:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by alegna View Post
Babies need to nurse for two full years as a minimum.

-Angela
ITA.

Here's a link to a thread that has even more links with more info that you may want to show your husband, so you can "arm him" against the inquiries, comments, and judgements his family is appraently heaping on him... CLW - How does it Improve/Impede Development...

He may just be reacting to the conditioning, and like anyone else that gets educated, he'll think differently once he has all the information.

remind him that you guys are a team, and every decision you make for you dc is in her best interest, not to cater to someone's antiquated idea of what's "normal"...
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#16 of 29 Old 04-26-2007, 01:15 AM
 
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. Yes,she will wean at some point before she goes off to college. Kidding. Yes,she will wean,even if you don't make her stop nursing. Guaranteed.
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#17 of 29 Old 04-27-2007, 08:32 PM
 
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You don't say if he is her father or not?

Your relationship with your daughter is permanent. I would be really worried about a fiancee who was trying to control my relationship with my children. If you give in to this demand then what comes next? He lacks the maturity to put the needs of the child ahead of his own. Your baby needs you to put her needs first.
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#18 of 29 Old 04-27-2007, 08:39 PM
 
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There are a gazillion child-led weaning types in this world and I have never ever ever once heard of a teenager or young adult still nursing. She will wean, you don't need to make her.

Everyone else had good points.
Maybe you can tell your SO that, sorry, but your family's credentials just aren't enough to convince you in any way. Just because they believe the western social norm does not make it true, better, or correct. If he wants to convince you to wean he will need peer reviewed journal sources that indicate that it may be better to wean earlier.

(good luck, buddy)

~laura
and planning to eat it again
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#19 of 29 Old 04-27-2007, 11:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by momuveight2B View Post
You don't say if he is her father or not?

Your relationship with your daughter is permanent. I would be really worried about a fiancee who was trying to control my relationship with my children. If you give in to this demand then what comes next? He lacks the maturity to put the needs of the child ahead of his own. Your baby needs you to put her needs first.
Can't agree more. This exact thought went through my head when reading OP.

You've got to trust your instincts as a mother. If it doesn't feel right to wean your baby, DON'T DO IT. There's plenty of info so far on this thread pointing you in the right direction for research... but your gut reaction as a mother is so important.

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#20 of 29 Old 04-28-2007, 11:26 PM
 
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You've gotten some great links & advice.
I just wanted to chime in with my own personal experience- my oldest actually asked to stop nursing when he was 3.5. He had been slowly pulling back from it, then just decided that he was done.
At some point, they all do stop nursing. When just depends on your dd's needs.

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#21 of 29 Old 04-29-2007, 12:06 PM
 
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My son stopped nursing when he was five ... and a few months. It was completely child-led, slowing over time until he was done. Fortunately my dh was supportive.

It sounds like your fiance has been raised to believe there is something "wrong" with children receiving nourishment at their mother's breast. You can try to educate him or not, but I worry about your relationship if you give in to his demands to do something (wean) that you know is harmful to your child...
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#22 of 29 Old 04-29-2007, 01:13 PM
 
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My fiancee has been getting on to me about getting my 11 month old daughter, Abryn, to start nursing less. He says his sister's baby, who's only a month older than ours, is weaned already so we should probably wean Abryn pretty soon. He says he talks to his family and they all tell him that I should be at least trying to wean her by now.
Who cares what his sister is doing, and who cares what his family thinks about it? Do you enjoy nursing and giving your DD that relationship and all the benefits of breastmilk? If so, then I would stand strong about it and keep nursing.

I just don't know what to do. And I've actually been nursing her less just to make him happy as we've fought a lot lately and I just want peace in my house, and I feel kind of manipulated.
And you have every right to feel manipulated.

It's unbelievable to me that he is arguing with you about this. Please, just make your best judgement, and do what you think is right for your DD. Good luck.

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#23 of 29 Old 04-30-2007, 01:39 AM
 
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My mother weaned me at 6 months...I sucked my thumb until age nine. I remember realizing one day that I hadn't sucked my thumb in a while and didn't even have the urge to. I think that had I been nursed until I was ready to stop, it would have been a similar process. Though I believe that I would have weaned myself before age nine!

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#24 of 29 Old 05-07-2007, 08:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by rmzbm View Post
And it's not right to wean before they're old enough to communicate that either.
I totally agree here, considering my 2nd DD could say "numnum" (our word for nurse) when she was 8 mos old! Which isn't the full year and she could communicate.

I am an advocate for EBF, afterall my girls nursed until they were 3 and almost 4, and Sully is still nursing,while I am currently pregnant. I think it is a personal choice and until YOU are no longer comfortable with it, it should not be an issue, IMO. :
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#25 of 29 Old 05-09-2007, 08:37 PM
 
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Another way to deal with family who are critical is to simply say that you are weaning, but are taking it slowly. Natural weaning begins with the introduction of solids. The child gradually switches to other foods for nurishment. Then the child switches to other forms of comfort. As long as you sometimes give your child a cuddle to sooth and have started solid food, you are in the processs of weaning.
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#26 of 29 Old 05-09-2007, 08:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Liliana View Post
Another way to deal with family who are critical is to simply say that you are weaning, but are taking it slowly. Natural weaning begins with the introduction of solids. The child gradually switches to other foods for nurishment. Then the child switches to other forms of comfort. As long as you sometimes give your child a cuddle to sooth and have started solid food, you are in the processs of weaning.
Yup.

Quote:
FOR SURE she'll wean if I don't make her stop?
If not, then my 16 year old would still be nursing. He most certainly is not, and hasn't for over 11 years.

"What will you do once you know?"
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#27 of 29 Old 05-09-2007, 08:59 PM
 
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You HAVE to settle parenting differences BEFORE you marry this man. The two of you need to sit down and have some give and take, share a lot of information, and come up with fresh creative ideas to old problems. Move no further until this is fixed. It will be a huge mistake to not to. These little (I know, I know, breastmilk isn't little! things can become HUGE, and lead up to broken families anyway. Nip.It.In.The.Bud.
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#28 of 29 Old 05-10-2007, 08:34 AM
 
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My mother weaned me at 6 months...I sucked my thumb until age nine. I remember realizing one day that I hadn't sucked my thumb in a while and didn't even have the urge to. I think that had I been nursed until I was ready to stop, it would have been a similar process. Though I believe that I would have weaned myself before age nine!
My mom was not successful BFing me, and I sucked my thumb till 8 or 9. (I think they actually bribed me to stop ) But, I definitely think I wouldn't have adopted thumb-sucking as an "addiction" (?) if I had been able to nurse adequately. Does that make sense?

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#29 of 29 Old 05-11-2007, 11:00 AM
 
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You're doing great! For me, the "when are you going to wean" questions escalated around a year too. I think it's because there's such a philosophical "magic line" in our society around nursing beyond a year. Though I knew I was doing the right thing for DS and our family, I can't say it wasn't tough for me to hear too.

I just smiled and nursed away, and lo and behold the criticism stopped. Now those who were most vocal see how wonderful it is for DS. Hang in there and trust your instincts with DD.

As for your fiance, sounds like he's feeling left out at a really important stage in your relationship. I found that when DH expressed similar sentiments, small things like showing him more appreciation, giving him an extra hug, leaving a note for him etc went a long way (and the comments magically stopped!)

DD will stop nursing when she's ready.
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