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My mother's input "that's disgusting."

2K views 20 replies 20 participants last post by  happyhippimama 
#1 ·
She nursed my younger sister till she was about 1. So she isn't *completely* anti-BF like her mom is and was. My kids are 2 turning 3 in October and I am not usually at their house anyway so the topic doesn't usually come up.

Several weeks ago, my mom, one of my boys and I were sitting on their living room couch and he turned to me and started making his "milk call" -- he smacks his lips together loudly until he gets a breast. lol
Now since my mom was there, I just told him "not right now" and tried to distract him -- but she wanted to know what that noise he was making was about....

sooo I told her and her face contorted ... I mean she had the expression of such disgust as if someone had just pooped on her coffee table right in front of her... and she said "that's disgusting." in the most withering tone imaginable. I was just like, "huh?" but the conversation ended there ... oddly enough, I wasn't angry ... nothing anyone says is going to change the way we do things anyway ... but what a word to use toward your own child and grandchild... "disgusting".
 
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#2 ·
I've been told my son's foreskin is "disgusting". At the time I didn't know what to say. I did eventually say something during a fall-out and it resulted in a "I didn't really mean it" comment and now I haven't spoken to that person in, oh, about 2 years. Yes, a close family member.


Lesson is, don't let it sit and stew until a fall-out. Just briefly let her know what the current recommendations are and tell her you don't appreciate mean comments. Hopefully she will realize that she was way out of line.

ETA: I realize you said you weren't angry. I wasdn't the first time either, just shocked. Until she said something about it in front of my son. Then the anger started to build up. Kids don't need to be hearing that they're disgusting from someone who is supposed to love them.
 
#3 ·


That's awful. Sometimes even our own parents don't understand our parenting choices. Maybe if it comes up again you could gently explain to her how using the word "disgusting" could have been (or was?) hurtful to you and dc. Not sure if you feel that is necessary, but it may affect your kiddos if they hear grandma use that word when it comes to something that to them is so normal.
 
#4 ·
I can't imagine what that must have been like to have your mom say something like that in front of your child. One of my big fears, as my child gets close to 2, is that some person will make a thoughtless comment like that in front of her and have her feel ashamed or bad about nursing. To try to make nursing as normal as possible, we have lots of children's books about nursing that we read together that show pictures of older kids nursing. We talk about how great nursing is, but I also tell her that not everyone nurses and that she can nurse as long as she wants. I have told immediate family members of the plan and that nursing is my special relationship with my daughter and that I don't want other people to get in the way of that. If only it were so easy.

Alicia
 
#5 ·
That was terrible of her! My mother nursed her youngest until he was almost 4 so I don't get it from her, but I get comments from my MIL.
 
#8 ·
Obviously you know your mom better than I do, but is it possible that she meant the way he was asking was disgusting, rather than the fact that he was asking? Not that it makes it great that she said that in front of him, but at least then you don't have to read her the nursing riot act.
 
#10 ·
My mom is pretty at peace with our CLW, she will on occasion though say things like "aren't you to big for that now"... or the like, never really rude,but pushy. And I always try to "sweet talk" past it. Like if your mom had been my mom I would have said "Oh, no... we know it's not anything of the sort is it honey (to dc) ? We know what a bond it is between mommy and dc and how healthy it makes you and how we are one of the few bkwards places in the world that doesn't nurse til 4".....For my mom I say things like "of course he's not too old, especially since I'm nursing til college."
I would find a way to get your point across but in a non confrontational way. "Kill 'em with kindness" Ya know. I always feel like if I can respond to my mom indirectly while saying what I want to say but directing it as a conversation with my child then she hears me but I'm not really involving her. It works for us... so maybe ..........
 
#11 ·
I had a friend who said the fact that I am still breastfeeding DD (who's two) was "creepy". I stopped talking to her. Usually it's more "are you STILL breastfeeding?" and I try to address this by explaining the reasons I have chosen to continue breastfeeding if the person is just surprised rather than derogatory. (I don't know many people who breastfed past about 6 months, so sometimes it's hard).
"Disgusting" is very harsh, though. How will you address this if it happens again?
 
#13 ·
at the parenting class me and dp went to at the hospital the nurse who taught the class cautiously told us that she nursed her dd till she was five... (she said something before that alluded to her knowing we may think it was weird) and you would have thought she told us ... well i dont know but something really inappropriate and gross. everyone got that weird look where there are smiling but in a mean way.. you know the one that kids in school like to use when they are maliciously judging someone else? (im serious thats what im reminded me of) and these were women who had just said they were going to nurse.. i wish the nurse had used it as a chance to give a little blurb on child led weaning or something but i guess after that response she just figured why bother. i felt bad that she felt nervous about even saying it and then got that kind of reaction. even if you cannot get your mom to understand why your are still nursing (not that you need to... its not like she has to understand.. just accept) hopefully she will atleast make sure she doesnt say anything else that could make your dc feel ashamned of nursing! or anything else for that matter!! im glad it didnt upset you though... way to go!
 
#14 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Qbear'smama View Post
(I don't know many people who breastfed past about 6 months, so sometimes it's hard).
I must be hanging out with the wrong crowd, b/c I usually have to beg people to keep going beyond a week! It is so frustrating that our culture (as a whole) has such a misconstrued idea of nursing!

I would just ignore her and cherish the sweet moments that nursing brings.
 
#15 ·
If it were me, I'd confront her, and remind her of the "golden rule"- either say something nice, or don't say anything at all, ESPECIALLY when talking about my child in the child's presence.

And clarify what it is that she found "disgusting"- was it the fact that you're nursing your "big kids" or the way in which he (they?) ask(s) to nurse? If it's the latter, you might want to consider changing it (not saying you HAVE TO if you're comfortable with it, just pointing out that it's reasonable to teach him a new nursing code word and continue to nurse, if you choose to go that route.)
 
#16 ·
My daughter calls it "ookie" so that's our little code, although when she's desperate for "ookie" people still end up asking what she means. I just hate having to defend my decision and the way people think that their opinion is warranted or valid when most of them didn't even bf at all...I'm finding I am getting angry, which maybe is a good thing? Like I don't tell you how to raise your kids in any sense, why is it ok to give me your (ignorant) opinion on this issue??
:
 
#17 ·
That's sad. My dad was like that. I nursed dd until she was about 3.5 and then just a few times after that until she was about 4y (ds was born when she was almost 4y). After she was 2 my dad was so disgusted by it, but I just ignored him and if he made comments I would just say he doesn't have to like it. My mom was always super supportive. She nursed by brother until he was 18m and at the time it wasn't common. The funny part is that my dad is totoally pro-BF, just not EBF. I was also taken with the level of deep disgust he had toward it. The psychologist in me takes that to represent some unmet unconscious need, but who knows.
 
#19 ·
sorry you had to hear that from your own mother, and especially sorry that your son did, too.

frankly, the "fear" of this is one reason that i try to nurse only in front of people who i think won't say anything of the sort. my DD is only 26 months old, so i could easily be in your shoes in the year ahead.

i have been a little premtive (sp) with my mother, in that i've pointed out to her that breastmilk is so special and potentially curative, that adults *purchase* it as an anti-cancer tonic. which is true, and possibly extreme, but still a valid point. my dad survived prostate cancer, so that one might have hit home with them.

i still nurse in front of my parents, but i don't do it in front of DH's family. if DD needs to nurse (and she has a "nursing laugh" -- a special sound like your son's) -- i take her in another room for privacy.

i'm all for extended nursing, and child led weaning. but i have to admit, i'm a non-confrontational person by nature. so to me, it's a tricky balancing act...
 
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