Need advice from moms who had a midwife but didn't call - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 42 Old 03-02-2009, 12:21 AM
 
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Here's what I see: You're hiring a midwife. She's making space in her calendar (possibly turning away another client due around the same time as you) and relying on the income from your birth (as, if she wasn't prepared to attend your birth, she'd get money from somebody else.) You're planning to pay her for "taking up her birth slot" whether you call her during labor, shortly after birth, or a few days later.

I fail to see a problem here.

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#32 of 42 Old 03-02-2009, 03:56 PM
 
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Yes, I just don't see how this would make a midwife attend less homebirths. She is getting paid regardless! What, are they just birth junkies and if they can't be at the birth they get angry? That makes no sense. I just see absolutely no issue.

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#33 of 42 Old 03-02-2009, 05:37 PM
 
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As a doula, there is a clause in my contract that says that if they choose not to call me, I still get paid and will still do a postnatal visit (if desired.) I realise most midwives' contracts don't say anything that specific, but they generally do allow for the possiblity that you might need to get care from someone else at any point in pg or labor or postpartum (i.e., a doctor in a hospital) and specify what will happen about their fee should that occur. It's not like midwives don't know that sometimes, they will not attend a birth they were booked for.

So I don't think whether the midwife actually attends the birth or not is really the issue. The moral issue is whether it is okay to make a contractual and emotional arrangment with someone without mentioning or working through a significant difference of opinion relevant to the arrangement.

Because that's what I see here: OP has a difference of opinion with the midwife about whether it's okay to go ahead and birth without a trained care provider present, on purpose. OP thinks yes, MW thinks no. Honestly, I hire my MW or any other care provider to share her/his opinion with me and provide the care I choose based on that opinion and all the other factors that go into ME making MY decision about what's best for MY BODY. I don't hire my MW to impose her opinion on me. I try to choose the care providers whose opinions are closest to mine because it is a lot easier not to have to argue about things. But if the best care provider available disagrees with me about something significant, I don't necessarily feel a need to argue - I just make my decisions for myself and expect my care providers to respect my right to make those decisions.

I think in the OP's situation, I would probably choose to continue care, not discuss UC unless asked a direct question, but have a discussion about what the MW's expectations are should she miss the birth for any reason. After the birth (assuming a UC) I'd honestly state that I chose not to call because that was what felt right to me in the moment, and that I'm happy with my choice.

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#34 of 42 Old 03-04-2009, 11:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by OtherMother'n'Madre View Post
. Sounds like most homebirths to me. Just with a twist in the direction of being a confident UCer.
ITs all fair - and I agree ^^

In this day and age - people charge a fee to cover their expenses and make a living. Not getting paid is the equivalent of you missing a weeks pay without notice. Wow! now that sounds crappy huh? Looking at it that way... Depending on how many clients she sees and what her expenses are - about a weeks pay. Never mind any other people who also thought 3000. was too much...and didn't pay in full... mostly I dont know anyone who likes to PAY [insurance, supplies, license, office space, staff etc., time, etc] to WORK!

But you made it clear - you will ensure she gets paid one way or the other. So- I would keep my mouth shut if I were you. Mom would say 'dont burn your bridges" ykwim?
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#35 of 42 Old 03-05-2009, 03:06 PM
 
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Has anyone else had a midwife through the prenatals and then not called at the birth? How did that work out for you?
I think the OP specified that she wanted advice from other women who had a midwife but didn't call. Why are so many coming on here & feeling free to criticize her?

OP, good for you for doing what you want! This is your birth and you don't owe anybody anything.

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#36 of 42 Old 03-05-2009, 04:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you

Well, I had my first official prenatal with the midwife earlier this week and it turns out that after asking her a million questions, I found out that she would (unhappily) stay in the other room while my DP and I birth the baby. It was strange, I like her a lot, but when I asked her this question, she said "I would do that if you wanted, but it would make me sad." I like her, but I don't really give a darn if she's sad, you know?! I want my birth to be happy for me I'm not going to have the guilt card played and invite others in just to make *them* happy, lol.

So now, this is an option as well. She even mentioned that she's had people who have wanted "unattended" births but had her there anyway b/c they realized she was hands-off.

This is all very interesting to me b/c doulas in the area have specifically said she's the least hands-off of the midwives here. :

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#37 of 42 Old 03-05-2009, 05:42 PM
 
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Midwives really wants to see the birth more than what the mama wants, it seems like to me. I don't know.
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#38 of 42 Old 03-07-2009, 03:01 AM
 
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I think you'd better listen to the doulas than her. (People don't always realize what they, themselves, are really like) Also, if she's "sad" being in the other room, it might bring stress vibes to you. I'd go with the original plan of UCing and calling her if you feel the need, etc.

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Thank you

Well, I had my first official prenatal with the midwife earlier this week and it turns out that after asking her a million questions, I found out that she would (unhappily) stay in the other room while my DP and I birth the baby. It was strange, I like her a lot, but when I asked her this question, she said "I would do that if you wanted, but it would make me sad." I like her, but I don't really give a darn if she's sad, you know?! I want my birth to be happy for me I'm not going to have the guilt card played and invite others in just to make *them* happy, lol.

So now, this is an option as well. She even mentioned that she's had people who have wanted "unattended" births but had her there anyway b/c they realized she was hands-off.

This is all very interesting to me b/c doulas in the area have specifically said she's the least hands-off of the midwives here. :
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#39 of 42 Old 03-09-2009, 07:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mellowyellowmama View Post
Midwives really wants to see the birth more than what the mama wants, it seems like to me. I don't know.
I disagree. I'm very interested in learning about UC, b/c I feel that knowledge will enhance my skills as a midwife someday. That said, as a midwife I wouldn't be a UCers backup plan, and that decision was not made b/c I would likely miss the birth.

Not all, but most midwives choose this path out of a dedication to women, not out of being addicted to birth or whatever. But they've also seen and heard a lot, and that usually makes them very respectful of the power of birth and very aware of how sometimes a professional means the difference between a well baby and a baby who dies after birth. Yes- often the midiwfe was unnecessary, and that is great! But I don't have a crystal ball saying when that will be, so I won't take that risk.

So the idea of a layperson attending themselves at home durring the powerful force that is birth is not something the average midwife is ok with. I respect the choice to UC, but htat doesn't mean I agree with it or would support it. And providing backup for a UC is about the most vocal kind of support there is. It also can put the midwife in a very difficult position. Mutual respect is a huge part of midwifery, and everyone being on the same page contributes to the safety. This situation is taking both of those factors out, and that would make most midwives very uncomfortable providing care. (which they would be forced to do in an unexpected situation in this case).

I hope it is ok to have shared my position here. I hope I have been as respectful as I intended to be. I also hope I've givien someone a little insight into why the midwives may have decided not to do UC backup. The midwife bashing on this thread has gotten very judgemental and harsh, but try to put yourself in their shoes.

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#40 of 42 Old 03-09-2009, 08:51 PM
 
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Not sure if this has been clarified, but almost always the contract you sign with the midwife includes that she receives her fee whether she makes it to the birth or not. I called too late (unintentionally) and my midwife still received her regular fee.
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#41 of 42 Old 03-09-2009, 10:40 PM
 
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I disagree. I'm very interested in learning about UC, b/c I feel that knowledge will enhance my skills as a midwife someday. That said, as a midwife I wouldn't be a UCers backup plan, and that decision was not made b/c I would likely miss the birth.

Not all, but most midwives choose this path out of a dedication to women, not out of being addicted to birth or whatever. But they've also seen and heard a lot, and that usually makes them very respectful of the power of birth and very aware of how sometimes a professional means the difference between a well baby and a baby who dies after birth. Yes- often the midiwfe was unnecessary, and that is great! But I don't have a crystal ball saying when that will be, so I won't take that risk.

So the idea of a layperson attending themselves at home drring the powerful force that is birth is not something the average midwife is ok with. I respect the choice to UC, but that doesn't mean I agree with it or would support it. And providing backup for a UC is about the most vocal kind of support there is. It also can put the midwife in a very difficult position. Mutual respect is a huge part of midwifery, and everyone being on the same page contributes to the safety. This situation is taking both of those factors out, and that would make most midwives very uncomfortable providing care. (which they would be forced to do in an unexpected situation in this case).

I hope it is ok to have shared my position here. I hope I have been as respectful as I intended to be. I also hope I've givien someone a little insight into why the midwives may have decided not to do UC backup. The midwife bashing on this thread has gotten very judgemental and harsh, but try to put yourself in their shoes.
I have come to understand that a midwife does have to protect herself and do what is comfortable for her. With that said, I personally have not met many midwives (and I have met a lot) that show through their actions (during prenatal care and birth) that they truly trust the power of birth. Period. Which is sad. So maybe we have just met different midwives/had different experiences??? I don't know.

I have a great friend who is finishing up (studying for her exam) to become a midwife and I LOVE her b/c she really does trust the birthing mama and birth itself, but I have learned from her that she does have to protect herself as the midwife.

Other than her though, most midwives I know are afraid of VBAC's or "post" dates or interfere in labor by telling the mom she has to lay on her back when she does not want to. Or they are just not morally sound, like not refunding a mama's money after 1 appointment or transfer of care (early on) or gossiping using a mama's real name, taking on too many clients, transferring when they said they normally wouldn't, etc. Sad, but true.

I think if the OP is paying this midwife no matter if she makes it to the birth or not is morally sound. She isn't asking her to be a back up 'just in case'...she has hired her and is going to see how the birth goes for her and I think that is totally OK.
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#42 of 42 Old 03-10-2009, 11:40 PM
 
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Yeah, what yellowmellowmama said.

I don't see the problem here. The midwife is being paid. If she is needed, she'll be called. If I were a midwife, I'd prefer not to know the client was planning a UC, b/c I wouldn't be held legally responsible for the birth. So not telling her is actually doing her a legal favor. Plus, if you do need her, you've paid her, you've gone to her. I just don't see a problem here.
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