what are the reasons some people have midwives? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 06:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Alright I know I've posted a lot in here already, and my situation is complicated. But, I have another question. As time goes on, Im growing more and more against the idea of having a midwife present for my birth. I was originally comfortable with having the baby at her house, but I just dont feel comfortable with it anymore. She said she is perfectly willing to give us privacy by sitting in another room. To me, another room is not privacy. Im sorry, it just isnt. I want to be completely alone, with my husband. In my own home. She says I can and should wait till labor has progressed before I come over. I just cant imagine wanting to go for a half an hour car ride while in labor. I dont feel I can be open with my midwife, she seems so set in her ways. I feel that she has a lack of respect for the laboring woman, and she talks bad about her other clients behind their backs. She cant seem to tell me apart from her other clients, I have to remind her of things every visit and I think she forgets to tell me things because I usually feel pretty in the dark.

Basically I live on a military base and the commander told my husband I cant have a home birth on base because its not safe enough. (my midwife made us ask permission in the first place for legality purposes) On a previous thread I was informed that it is most likely ILLEGAL for him to say that, and that there would be nothing he could do if I did in fact go through with it. (Although I dont see how they could find out about it if even if I did). Also, my husband doesn't support me having the baby without the midwife, because we paid for her and he claims we wouldn't know what to do without her. I told him we knew how to MAKE the baby, Im pretty sure I instinctively know how to birth it. My family, his family, our friends, none of them support me having the baby without the midwife.

So, in my situation, it would be better for me to "go along quietly" and just have the baby at my midwifes home. So, what I want to ask is, Why SHOULD I want to have the midwife around?

I know this is the uncontrolled thread, but can anyone tell me why they appreciated having a midwife for those that did or had friends that did? Can anyone try to convince me that I really will end up wanting her support throughout the labor?

Because right now Im considering going against everyone and staying home, having the baby alone without telling anyone, and just having the midwife come over for the aftercare. People would be angry at me, and I would be angry with myself if the dreaded "something went wrong" (whatever that is) were to happen, and it was my fault that I was too stubborn to have the midwife around. As you can see Im a pretty hard headed person, and judging by what forum I posted in you can guess what I would rather hear (even though I probably shouldnt have posted it here..sorry.. ) Your input on what I should do either way would be appreciated.
Thank you for answering yet another one of my questions.

am I allowed to post this in two seperate places? I kinda want input from both sides. I will try posting in homebirth too then.
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#2 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 07:02 AM
 
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I am sorry that you are not feeling comfortable with your mw! What a shame she talks about other clients negatively, that doesn't sound right. If you want to find out more about why people have mws you should probably go over to the homebirth board, where women get midwives .

I did have a mw attended birth myself with my DD. I think at that stage in my life I wasn't ready for a UC although I had read up all about it. I also liked that a midwife would help me sort out the birth certificate after the birth. Honestly, I would have preferred that she wasn't there. Sorry that doesn't help you much .

I guess it is too late for you to have an "oops UC"?

I'm Olivia. I blog about physiological childbirth, homebirth, and unassisted homebirth!
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#3 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 07:17 AM
 
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Just simply, because I can. I very nearly UC'd this time and was UP until 28 weeks. The only MW who comes to this area is probably the only one I would choose if we were still living in the city (we moved about six weeks ago) where there were plenty to choose from. I met her, I liked her, I booked her. I was prepared to UC if I didn't like her, but it turns out I did
I'm sorry you're not feeling supported by your mw. Is there any chance you can get a different one?

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#4 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 07:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My midwife would know it wasnt an oops because she says no first timers HAVE those. But at least it wouldnt really matter since I would have already had the baby. I really dont feel I can bring up unassisted childbirth because she has already voiced a negative opinion about it. As for changing midwives, no, I cant. She was the only one in our area and at first we were just so relieved to have found her since we did not want a hospital birth, and at that time I had no idea people even did unattended births on purpose. Since then I have come quite a ways but am still thankful I had my midwife for the prenatal part of all this, and would liker her help afterwards, I just dont want her around for the birth.
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#5 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 09:48 AM
 
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My midwife would know it wasnt an oops because she says no first timers HAVE those.
Really? I have a close friend who has had 2 unintentional UCs because she doesn't have noticable contractions or has an extremely high pain tolerance. Her first was born before anyone (herself included) even knew she was in labor!

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#6 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 10:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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yes, well like I said my MW is very set in her ways, not easy to talk to in my opinion.
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#7 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 11:39 AM
 
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My reasoning for having a mw is very different from yours. If I trusted myself as much as you sound like you do, then I would honestly probably just stay home and give birth and say that "oops, it all went so fast that I didn't even make it to the midwife". Is this something you could see yourself doing? The military base couldn't be upset if that was the case.

Honestly one reason I wouldn't want to deliver anywhere else but home is b/c being in the car isn't what I want to be doing when I'm in labor. It's not comfortable and changes the birth vibes so much.

I am guessing you will go inward and see what feels right to you in the moment.

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#8 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 11:40 AM
 
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My midwife would know it wasnt an oops because she says no first timers HAVE those. But at least it wouldnt really matter since I would have already had the baby. I really dont feel I can bring up unassisted childbirth because she has already voiced a negative opinion about it. As for changing midwives, no, I cant. She was the only one in our area and at first we were just so relieved to have found her since we did not want a hospital birth, and at that time I had no idea people even did unattended births on purpose. Since then I have come quite a ways but am still thankful I had my midwife for the prenatal part of all this, and would liker her help afterwards, I just dont want her around for the birth.
Oops, just now saw this. Well, it can and does happen to first timers...lol. Maybe you could teach yourself some hypnobirthing and blame it on that? That's such a great way to relax that you could easily just have the baby slide out.

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#9 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 11:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oops, just now saw this. Well, it can and does happen to first timers...lol. Maybe you could teach yourself some hypnobirthing and blame it on that? That's such a great way to relax that you could easily just have the baby slide out.
Oh, I am in fact using Hypnobabies!
which is another issue..I dont feel like I would be comfortable enough to really get into hypnosis if I was at the midwives home. I wont go into self hypnosis in front of just anyone.
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#10 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 11:56 AM
 
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Well, then...I don't know...but it seems like you have the answer. You seem really sure that you won't feel great at the mw's house, so...

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#11 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 11:59 AM
 
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yes, well like I said my MW is very set in her ways, not easy to talk to in my opinion.
I'm sorry to hear that.

Why do I choose to have a midwife? Simply put, because I want to be mothered during labor (but not by my mother!). I have nothing against UC, I think it's great. I personally have had very good experiences with midwives and would like to have one in attendance. I had a very tough first pregnancy as a young single mom with a very long labor, and my midwife really helped me through both. I had a couple of issues that my midwife was able to help me with during labor, but had it been a UC, I'd have probably ended up transferring. I have a great deal of respect for the work midwives do, and feel more comfortable with one around. I do trust my body's ability to give birth, but I also know that I freak a little during transition and would probably fare better with the reassurance of a midwife by my side.

Sorry your relationship with your midwife isn't working for you. If you are comfortable with a UC and don't mind standing up for yourself, go for it! We all make different choices which fit our perspective and experience. I wouldn't expect any woman's to be the same as mine.
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#12 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 12:43 PM
 
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My midwife would know it wasnt an oops because she says no first timers HAVE those.
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Oh, I am in fact using Hypnobabies!
which is another issue..I dont feel like I would be comfortable enough to really get into hypnosis if I was at the midwives home. I wont go into self hypnosis in front of just anyone.
My mw didn't believe first timers could have fast labors either. She also thought Hypnobabies was bunk. Until me... I had a six hour labor and would have had him in the car or on the side of the road if we planned on going to the hospital or birth center. I have two friends who also used Hypnobabies, one for her first birth and one for her first live birth. Their labors were three and four hours long, respectively.

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#13 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 12:58 PM
 
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I was originally comfortable with having the baby at her house, but I just dont feel comfortable with it anymore.

I dont feel I can be open with my midwife, she seems so set in her ways. I feel that she has a lack of respect for the laboring woman, and she talks bad about her other clients behind their backs. She cant seem to tell me apart from her other clients, I have to remind her of things every visit and I think she forgets to tell me things because I usually feel pretty in the dark.
I want to respond to these. The first thing is if you are not comfortable where you are laboring that can and will have a negative effect on your labor. Trust me! I lived w/my aunt for my last birth and I could not get past transition..kept getting right there, then stalling. I had to go to the hospital to birth her! Ugh!

If you feel you can not be open with her (which from what you are telling me, I would NOT tell her your UC desires...you will cause more drama for yourself) that is a red flag. You sound very much like you want an UC. The only thing is I'd want my dh on board.

Also, I know MANY midwives like yours. Especially the part about talking bad about clients.

If I were you and you already paid her, I'd go along quietly and have an "oops"!
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#14 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 01:01 PM
 
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We are having a homebirth with the midwife because we are not trained to recognize the little signs that something could be wrong. Also if there was a problem like shoulder dystocia(sp?) orsome other situation that could quickly become an emergency we are more comfortable having her there. Dp does fine during birth but does not do well with blood in general and if something needed to be done he may not be the most calm person to do it. If I herromorage and pass out then what?
It doesn't guarantee that something won't happen, but being our first hb (second birth) we feel it could up the chances of a better outcome.

I am sorry that you are in a situation where you can't fully trust and be open withyour midwife. And I understand not wanting to go to someone else's house for a birth. If you truely feel taht confident I would have an oops. B/c being surrounded by people in a place you don't want to be will only hinder your birth.

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#15 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 02:03 PM
 
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[QUOTE=mariekitt24;13349962]Because right now Im considering going against everyone and staying home, having the baby alone without telling anyone, and just having the midwife come over for the aftercare. People would be angry at me, and I would be angry with myself if the dreaded "something went wrong" (whatever that is) were to happen, and it was my fault that I was too stubborn to have the midwife around.QUOTE]

I think this is they key to truely, firmly deciding to UC.... It was for me anyway. I hit a point (with my first) that I was so frustrated and lonely, and sick of the lack of support from people in my life that I thought "maybe I should just go have him in the hospital like i originally planned" I still had regular prenatal care and my OB didn't know my plans, so it would have been easy to do.... But then I realized.... If i birthed ASSISTED, and something "went wrong" because I was birthing against my instincts, How would I forgive myself? It was this moment that I realized how strongly and deeply I felt UC was the safest choice for me, and that it truely wasn't just me being stubborn

I don't know about the military, so I don't know if they'd even know you had your baby at home unassisted, or if they'd try to prove it wasn't an accident?? But how could they possibly prove that? I think keeping the MW you already paid for as an option (backup), but being comfortable laboring (and maybe delivering) at home in private... you wouldn't really have to 'decide' till you're well into your labor.... It's really no one's business how the labor and delivery take place (if you feel more comfortable, you could express several more times, that you just 'have a feeling' that things might happen really fast

anyway, best wishes... sounds stressful. It's too bad birthing options are so limited!

-Lia

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#16 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 03:08 PM
 
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My midwife would know it wasnt an oops because she says no first timers HAVE those.
We had an oops with #1. I was in labor only 3 1/2 hours and the MW didn't come in time. She was expecting much longer with a first timer.

For me I don't want the MW's support during labor. I want someone trained in some situations I'm not trained in like neonatal resussitation, shoulder distocia, stitches, etc. This is the reason I hire a MW.

I feel confident I can do the rest and I know now that my analytical brain can still function pretty well during labor since I was able to give DH step by step instruction of birth supplies I needed during transition and pushing.
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#17 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 09:15 PM
 
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I'm in this forum because I could very well go unassisted this time (3rd baby, short labors, birth center an hour away) and I'm fine with that, maybe even a bit excited, but just want to study up. But I will tell you why I had a mw last time and why I've seen one for prenatal care this time and am *planning* to go in. Just for one thing, no big reason really, I like to have someone to call on, and someone who can check me out and reassure me if need be. But also during actual labor and delivery, because mine have been pretty quick and intense, I like the physical support. Last time I made all my own decisions but there were a couple times I jumped in and out of the birthing tub unexpectedly (I didn't even know I was going to!) and like she grabbed onto and supported me. She also has all the goodies: jetted tub, different sized balls, rocker right there, birthing stool...you name it. I used them all. Little things...I felt weak and shaky right after the baby was born and she lifted him onto my chest and covered us with warm towels a staff member brought straight from the dryer. She helped me onto the bed, she and staff prepared a wonderful sitz bath and put me in it and then out again...I don't know, maybe I am just lazy, but immediately after I do appreciate someone else thinking of those things for me! Like, a pad brought from the freezer. Can't see dh doing that, lol. But like I said, I'm sure I'd do fine w/o.
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#18 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 09:44 PM
 
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My first would have been an oops UC if I didn't live 5 mins from the hospital and DH hadn't recognized transistion. I was only in labour for 2.5 hours though that is from when my water broke(first sign of labour) til birth. I only had contractions for 1.5 hours before he was born. My second was an intentional UC but if I hadn't chose a UC I would of had one anyway. I was only in labour for 35 minutes.

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#19 of 59 Old 03-12-2009, 10:10 PM
 
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This doesn't sound like a choice between midwife attended birth vs. UC., It just sounds like your midwife sucks! Sorry, but really! She talks about clients in a mean way? I am having a midwife because I want someone who I can really trust to be there and help me emotionally. (if I need it) But if I couldn't trust my midwife...


I'm just so sorry that you are going through this. I would go for UC if I were you and lie, I think. (well, maybe, first be SURE that you have found the only midwife in your area, we are seeing one who is almost an hour away and ussually doesn't see people any farther than that, so maybe you could look just outside your range and see if someone will work with you.)


But honestly, it's your birth and your baby, it's not illigal and you get to decide how you want to do it. Good Luck!

Newly Single-Mama. Raising homebirth baby, Josephine, July '09.

 

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#20 of 59 Old 03-13-2009, 11:20 AM
 
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nak

i just wanted to ask if you could go to a friend's house or even a hotel if you want a uc, since i understand the big issue is that you can birth on base? are you af, or your husband? if you decide to have a uc on base any way it seems that could cause some problems, but that doesn't mean you have to stick with a horrible mw!

I'm Olivia. I blog about physiological childbirth, homebirth, and unassisted homebirth!
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#21 of 59 Old 03-20-2009, 12:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess Im surprised that so many people have the impression my MW is horrible. Granted I complain about her but she is incredibly experienced and really popular with other moms as far as I can tell. She'll talk about how ugly this persons baby was, or how this person is gaining too much weight, or this person is living too unhealthy of a lifestyle and she is considering "dropping" them, but generally I think she is as good a midwife as any, as far as I can tell??
Just highlighting the bad things or slip ups I guess makes her sound terrible. But if we were to highlight any of OUR bad things or slip ups, we would all sound like terrible people too, KWIM?
I dont think my issue is so much a bad midwife, as it is that I just want some privacy, no matter how experienced or supportive of a person I may find, they are still someone who I feel shouldnt be a part of such a private intimate event. To illustrate how I feel, to me its like asking someone to come watch me have sex with my husband, just to make sure nothing bad happens. and everyone around me considers this normal and the smart thing to do, except me. And even if that would sound crazy, isnt it true that having sex while in labor, or at least doing sexual things, helps the labor along? and that woman can even have orgasmic experiences giving birth? So having sex and giving birth really dont seem that far off from eachother as far Im concerned. I wouldnt want to do either one in public.

Sorry, but I can only PRETEND to be comfortable with people that arent my husband around for my labor. I dont honestly understand why every other person that has a midwife or any one else present for their birth for that matter, can be okay with them being around for such an intimate event? Am I the only one that realizes how personal it is? I dont mean to be offensive or vulgar, but
the baby is coming out of my crotch. come on.
But, maybe things will be different once Im in labor. After all, people give me the impression that all decency and modesty fly out the window. (which really doesnt make me look forward to it very much..)
But anyway, sorry for my little rant. I really dont mean to sound angry or argue at all or anything.

Anyway, to answer your question MittensKittens, umm.. that is a thought. Although I kind of feel bullied into just dealing with having the midwife around, and part of me thinks its the smart thing to do, I think Im just going to wait until it happens, and see just how scared the contractions make me, just how intense things are going to be, or just how I feel in general, just listen to my intuition, regarding whether or not I go to the midwifes house. I dont think I would be comfortable at a friends or a hotel, so if that were the case, I would just default to my midwifes house anyway. Because any place other than my house, is all the same to me.

I really am torn. Part of me argues that I would better off staying home because thats where Im comfortable and I trust my body and we couldnt possibly get in "trouble" for having the baby at home. and part of me says that I will be better off with the midwife because I dont know, "something could go wrong", or I would feel too guilty and uncomfortable staying home against the commanders orders, whether they were legal orders or illegal. That and everyone on the thread in the homebirthing section all seemed to have good logical reasons for having midwives.

I think its just too hard for me right now to go against everyone I know and have the baby at home. Im still not convinced Im going to want to have my midwife around, but Im convinced enough that I wouldnt feel supported doing anything BUT having her around, so I might as well and hope for the best. *shrugs* Anyway, thanks everyone for the great responses as usual, you guys are awesome. I was just kind of ranting, you dont need to respond.
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#22 of 59 Old 03-20-2009, 11:06 PM
 
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She'll talk about how ugly this persons baby was, or how this person is gaining too much weight, or this person is living too unhealthy of a lifestyle and she is considering "dropping" them, but generally I think she is as good a midwife as any, as far as I can tell??
Ok, this is all a problem to me! I don't think she should be talking about any clients with anyone, especially other clients. That is not ok to me, at all. And the part I bolded is why I don't have a midwife. I know not all midwives are like this and I know there are great midwives out there, but in general it seems most are like this and/or don't truly trust birth (in my experience). No offense to the wonderful midwives here!

As far as what you'll do...just keep following your intuition. At this point, I'd take a deep breath, lie low and just do what feels right when you are in labor.
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#23 of 59 Old 03-21-2009, 12:22 AM
 
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I wanted a midwife because I wanted to be able to let go of worries/fears/concerns and just birth my baby. I didn't want to have to think about what I'd do in X situation, or how I'd handle something else.

I wanted to be able to clean my mind and do my thing. Having a midwife with her equipment and knowledge meant that I could let go of all that.

I also know personally some people who did have something go wrong at their homebirth - but it wasn't a big deal because there was someone with a clear head there who knew what to do.

It was also a protection before transferring to a hospital. I didn't want to end up at a hospital. So I wanted someone who had knowledge and experience who could do some of the stuff they do at hospitals at home.
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#24 of 59 Old 03-21-2009, 10:01 AM
 
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It was also a protection before transferring to a hospital. I didn't want to end up at a hospital. So I wanted someone who had knowledge and experience who could do some of the stuff they do at hospitals at home.
for me, i feel i partly ended up at the hospital because of my midwife for my last 2 births!

i do see your point though. if that is the way you could let go of your fears, etc, then that is great!
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#25 of 59 Old 03-21-2009, 02:16 PM
 
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Also, my husband doesn't support me having the baby without the midwife, because we paid for her and he claims we wouldn't know what to do without her. I told him we knew how to MAKE the baby, Im pretty sure I instinctively know how to birth it.
You need to have someone with you who knows what to do if you start to bleed uncontrollably after the birth. What will your husband do if you pass out and the baby's not breathing? You need to have his support to do this, and if you don't have his and he hasn't done his research too, then I'm sorry, but you're going to need the midwife there.
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#26 of 59 Old 03-21-2009, 03:14 PM
 
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If you feel comfortable lying, and it is practically possible, how about having the baby at home and then saying you had her/him at a friend's place? (This would obviously not be able to be the midwife's place ). Not suggesting you be dishonest, just brainstorming

I'm Olivia. I blog about physiological childbirth, homebirth, and unassisted homebirth!
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#27 of 59 Old 03-22-2009, 06:40 AM
 
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[QUOTE= I know not all midwives are like this and I know there are great midwives out there, but in general it seems most are like this and/or don't truly trust birth (in my experience). No offense to the wonderful midwives here![/QUOTE]

I had no idea that mw were anything but wonderful (I'm often naive like that)-- until my recent appt. with a mw. both the mw and the MD on staff at the birth center were basically ganging up on me after I said that I don't get pelvic exams (PTSD) and I didn't want a blood test. My partner said they exchanged glances and the MW rolled her eyes when I said I didn't want the blood test. I guess I needed that appt. to reaffirm my decision to UC. Now I feel 100% sure that's what I want to/need to do. $7,000 is a lot of money to pay for that kind of treatment and it wasn't appearing that I'd get that much better of a birth experience out of our birth center than I would at a hospital. I'm actually shocked, as this particular MW is the director of the center.
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#28 of 59 Old 03-22-2009, 08:12 AM
 
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This is an interesting discussion. I just got Heart and Hands by Elizabeth Davis and have been reading it. Part of a midwife's training is to moniter for conditions that demand hospital support. I think it must take a really confident/birth-trusting/woman-trusting midwife to see signs of a potential problem and still step out of the way if the woman indicates that she doesn't want to transfer. Not only because of the personal burden if something DOES end up going wrong, but because of the legal burden. Midwives are insured and/or liable. I can totally understand that making it really hard to truly trust birth all the way. Trust involves a leap of faith, no matter how much hard evidence there is.
Of course, that gives no excuse for treating patients who reject i.e. blood testing with contempt. Another part of midwifery is working with what you have, knowing how to detect problems unobtrusively, via external observation and communication with the mother, without necessarily having to resort to ultrasounds/bloodtesting/internal pelvic exams. Thus another huge part of midwifery is psychological/emotional sensitivity, the ability to humbly pay attention and accept and react sensitively to what is at hand. That makes talking sh!t about other clients behind their back a strong breach of trust and quite possibly a very bad sign for the midwife's sympathy/empathy/understanding skills.
It's true that having your partner present and educated about birth is a good thing in an emergency.
Reading about complications and their signs, however, I feel fairly confident that you could detect them yourself if you know what you are looking for, and transport by ambulance if needed. In fact, I have read homebirth stories where it sounds like the mother would have been able to detect a problem long before the midwife if she had just been aware of what symptoms mean what.

Me treehugger.gif and DH caffix.gif and sweet baby DD heartbeat.gif born 08/2011.

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#29 of 59 Old 03-22-2009, 06:45 PM
 
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"She'll talk about how ugly this persons baby was, or how this person is gaining too much weight, or this person is living too unhealthy of a lifestyle and she is considering "dropping" them, but generally I think she is as good a midwife as any, as far as I can tell??"

I had two births with the same midwife, and never heard Word One about any of her other clients. That's totally not OK. There are much better midwives out there, and I can see why you don't want to give birth in a gossipy woman's home! Who would?!?

If you have Tricare, I think you might suggest to your dh that you stay home until late in labor and then go to the hospital. Then stay home really, really late. This is what I'm planning to do for my birth in May. I do agree that if you dh or a friend will not agree to educate themselves about stopping bleeding, dealing with dystocia, etc. then full-on UC is not the right choice. UC is a safe choice for people who are well educated in the mechanics of the birth process and the more common complications. The rest of us hire somebody to know that stuff
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#30 of 59 Old 03-22-2009, 06:54 PM
 
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I do agree that if you dh or a friend will not agree to educate themselves about stopping bleeding, dealing with dystocia, etc. then full-on UC is not the right choice.
If she is educated enough about these things herself, and DH is not going to be an obstacle during the birthing process, what would be wrong with him just plain being there and nothing else?

I'm Olivia. I blog about physiological childbirth, homebirth, and unassisted homebirth!
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