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Not prepared

1K views 15 replies 13 participants last post by  Beakybird 
#1 ·
Hi all, its 3 in the morning and i can't sleep - just need some advice....

I am due in a few more weeks with baby no. 2. my first daughter just turned one and i delivered her naturally within about 7 hours after water broke. I had back labor with her and she broke my tailbone on the way out, but no tearing or complications really. All in all it was a great labor. However, as I near the second labor, I am feeling more and more .... not ready.... for this one. I just can't muster the strength or courage for this one like I had with my first. maybe i was just stupid then so it was easy to go in guns blazing after all the "books" i read on natural birth.
but, now that i know just what it's really like, i am terrified of having to go through that again. i feel like i should be more confident, having had the experience now and knowing i can do it just fine, but i'm not. instead, i feel more like "why should i have to go through all this pain after spending the last year taking care of a baby who's only 13 months old now, and being pregnant the whole time too?! I'M TOO TIRED - I don't feel like it!" LOL I don't know ladies, I just feel like I can't get mentally prepared for this labor - and I just feel like my body is just not strong like it was with my daughter. I feel worn out and broken down and tired from her birth and the last 12 months of pregnancy and baby care. How can I get "amped up" for going through all the pain again - I was amped up for my first and that's what got me through it! What's going to get me through it this time? And scared that since I don't feel strong enough to do it this time, that maybe something is going to go wrong, which is more fear, which might MAKE something go wrong! AAHHH! I know I'm probably just freaking myself out, but this is how I feel no matter how much I try to self-soothe these thoughts away. Any advice? Is it possible for your body/mind to just not be up for it? Thanks ladies.
 
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#4 ·
Hmmmm.. I am not in your situation as my first child will be turning 12 just after this one is born. But... I do understand not feeling amped up. I am having a hard time getting myself going too. For me it is because we had 10 years of infertility and miscarriages and I am having a hard time believing that I am ACTUALLY going to have a baby and/or that he will be born alive. It is a very strange place to be, and not at all what I thought would happen when I finally got pregnant. Anyhow, I don't have much advice except that I am listening to the hypnobirthing CD and there are birth affirmations on there. I am going to start listening to the affirmations a few times a day instead of just once in a while and hope that really helps.
 
#5 ·
I think that there are some mamas on this board that can give you more ideas on things that might help like diet and rest, but I'm not as familiar with all of them. I also think there are some mamas who can encourage you with affirmations, etc. So obviously making sure you're taking care of yourself (with good diet, as much sleep as you can get, fresh air, outdoor walks, etc.), would probably be very beneficial to your frame of mind.

But as for me, I read a lot of UC stories on Laura Shanley's website prior to my birth. Reading what other women went through really gave me the ability to draw strength from their experiences. There are dozens of awesome stories on there. I would suggest you start reading stories.

I was scared when I went into labor and had my first UC, but the thing is that it STILL didn't keep me from having a good experience. I think there is a theory that if you're not "amped up" for the birth then you won't be able to have a UC, but I think this is totally false. Obviously your mindset and confidence CAN affect your birth, but you may very well still have a wonderful birth experience in spite of it. I did. Don't beat yourself up about it; it may just take a while for it to come. Maybe the strength you feel you need will arrive just as you go into labor!

And, yes, I still even had doubts, fears, questions, etc. when I went into labor with my third (my second UC). Yet I had another positive experience.

Also, are you feeling supported? Perhaps that could be part of your anxiety? If you are not, perhaps you could consider trying to find a UC friendly doula, or just a friend or relative who might be able to encourage you? Even just give you phone or e-mail support?
 
#7 ·
If its the pain thats worrying you I would definitely suggest reading Laura Shanleys birth stories and how she felt no pain because she EXPECTED no pain. Affirmations are a great idea too!
With my 1st labour I had been going to hypnobirthing classes and for the 1st 23 hours I felt no pain. Unfortunately I had him in hospital (wish I had stopped to think about how else I could birth!) and after getting to the 23 hour mark they pumped me full of pitocin and, well, OUCH!
I know you dont have long to go but hopefully that stuff would work for you too. Got my fingers crossed for you.
xx
 
#8 ·
I hear ya mama! I've got an intensely magickal, high needs 5 year old at home, morning sickness that kept me bedridden for 2 months this winter, and a pretty intense couple of years before I got pregnant---- I'm just feeling broken down and tired most of the time. I'm having a hard time some times, imagining giving birth. Not just the pain/discomfort, but the massive amount of energy expenditure required.... and the massive amount of energy it takes to be a mama to a newborn. I think about all of this and quite honestly just want to take a nap!
It's really been helpful to me to repeatedly hand this one over to the universe and tell myself that all is as it should be. I'm going to have to have a baby now that I'm pregnant (and as the months advance, I am evermore aware of this), and while I may not think I feel up to it a lot of the times, I'm pretty sure that when the time comes that other animal part of me is going to take over and I'm going to be filled with this universal, timeless kind of energy. I guess, in a sense, what I'm trying to say here is that I'm reminding myself to have faith. ok, ok ok....sorry to ramble everyone. Good luck mama!
 
#9 ·
It sounds to me like you need some time alone with your buddah belly. I had this same trouble with my last pregnancy, like I was just so stressed out and nervous and afraid. My son was 19 months when the twins were born so I was pregnant for his whole second year it seemed (not as close as your two but). I never bonded with the twins and I felt very disconnected from them. It might help to have your partner or someone take your LO for a while on a regular basis so you can have some one on one time with the new baby. It's hard to make the time but it's important. The thing is this baby is coming and soon, so it's time to really get into yourself and prepare yourself mentally for having this baby.
 
#10 ·
Thanks for all the support girls - you all said everything I needed to hear! I went back to bed after writing it and curled up next to me beautiful one year old daughter and when we finally woke up together this morning (because her diaper leaked and i we were laying in a puddle of pee)
, I felt such a gratitude for being able to wake up next to her and remembered why i'm going to have to go through all the energy expenditure and pain - to have a nother one of these beautiful babies!!!! that gave me strength. i think sometimes i get so focused on the birth and delivery and weeks after of newborn (exhausting) care, that i don't stop to remind myself of why i'm doing this. my daughter reminded me this morning - despite her peeing on me lol. i still feel tired and i still feel slight dread at the prospect, but atleast i have a little excitement back too! thanks so much girls, i soaked in all the encouragement and now feel close to good about things!!
 
#11 ·
my guy is only 7 months old right now, and a lot of folks are asking me if i want another baby.

i feel so strongly that the answer is no! i can imagine that if your baby is so young, and you're nearly through a pregnancy now, that you feel (physically) the way that i do: 1. hardly recovered from the first birth; 2. exhausted from AP-style baby care (a lot of mainstreamers do have a lot more help because others can care for the baby and the baby is cool with it. CC/AP parenting seems to create a situation where babies are a lot more attached to mama, and thus we have a lot less opportunity to hand the baby off for hours or days--just my experience here); and 3. dealing with the special situation that is pregnancy itself.

yeah, i could see why you are not amped up, why you feel tired! whew! it's A LOT!


but, i also know--because other women have done it--that you can do it too. you want this baby, this baby is coming, and therefore you CAN do it.
whether or not that's UC or what have you--that's up to you. perhaps you do need more support this time. perhaps a midwife and/or doula (just to care for you in labor or what have you, not to aid you in a clinical sense) would be helpful.

i think that the best thing that you can do for yourself is to ask for help so that you can get rest. i think that if you need to hire a sitter for a number of days sot hat you can sleep in, or a cleaning service, or whatever--do what you can. make it a priority.

you need rest so that you can do this. i don't think i could have done the first birth without adequate rest. i can't imagine doing a second.

good luck with everything!
 
#12 ·
yes! you're right - a lot of the tiredness does come from just never having a break (AP) i am at home with her all day by ourselves and when i want to just sit down for a second and put my feet up she's climbing all over my sore belly to hug me and hold on to me. UUggggghhh. By the time my hubby comes home, it's time for the chaotic dinner/bath/bedtime and after she goes down for the night it's late and i haven't had any time for myself. i just usually crash at that point - sometimes i realize in that time that i haven't even had the chance to get proper nutrition or water even, because the day has just flown by and she's kept me so stressed out and busy. i see all the benefits that we are reaping from AP so I would never change what we're doing, it's just hard right now and i'm so tired. when i think of going through labor and postpartum newborn care IN ADDITION to all of this - OMG I am SOOOO not up for it. But this time too shall pass. And like you said millions of women have gone before me and done the same. if they can do it i can do it. just maybe a little begrudgingly
 
#13 ·
Just thought I'd chime in. My kids are close in age, but not quite that close... but when my third was born, and my second was 17 months old, and my first was 28 months old... I felt much this same way. I was an undiagnosed celiac, so wasn't getting nearly the nutrition I needed, my body had not recovered from my previous pregnancies, and we were living far from family with very young children that were very attention-needy at the time.

All I can say, though, is that not only was that my easiest birth and recovery, but it was somehow more special because it was such a long road to get there. I think your body will do what it needs to to keep your sanity and health. Things have a way of working out, when it looks bleakest. I know, hard to trust something that vague, but... it has happened over and over in my life and others I have seen.

Do you take naps with your daughter still? Having the kids all go down for naps or quiet time at the same time allowed me to recoup some energy throughout the day as well. For some of my pregnancies I've had to put my belly off-limits to my kids as well, since it just got too sore. The youngest rarely understood, but it didn't take long to find alternative ways of getting "mom-time" with games with my feet, or hands, or glasses, or hair (ouch).
 
#14 ·
that is tough. Or i guess I should say YOU are tough! your are doing something I have never done. My closest ones are 20 months apart.

I would have to say, get some really good food especially Iron and protein. I always started to get TOO tired and emotionally worn out when i didn't have good nutrition. Where I am the health food store has whey or soy protein on the clearance sale rack for 50-75% off all the time. So I got some of that and some spirulina and mixed me up a good protein smoothie with some fruit juice or milk every now and then (especially mornings) and it really helped boost me up and think clearly instead of feeling bogged down.

But the pp who said naps are right too. gotta save up that rest. I know it is easier said than done though.

Maybe talk to hubby and tell him you need him to be the one in charge of the bedtime routine next thursday or something so that you can take a bath in peace?

I always try to do ONE thing for myself when it gets close to the end. Last time I got a pedicure. The time before that I got a a professional to trim my hair. I don't usually do either of those, so that was a treat for me. I just seem to go into labor much better in those last weeks when i feel like i have taken care of myself and (i know this part sounds really shallow
) that I will be able to look good and not like a toddlers old teddy bear.

You sound really normal, but also really tired. I totally relate there.
I hope you get a chance to have some really good mommy chill time soon!

oh, and a broken tailbone?! ouch, that has gotta hurt. no other complications SOUNDS pretty simple on paper, but ummm. That is probably a pretty big pain factor for a birth. I wouldn't count on having the same pain level as last time based on that.
 
#15 ·
Thank you girls so much for the support!

As far as naps go, she has already decided that most days she doesn't want a nap - at 14 months!!! And believe me, I've tried everything. Today is a good day though, she is sound asleep right now in the other room, and I know, I should be sleeping next to her, but am just so thoroughly enjoying this quiet time by myself!

Nutrition, you say? HA! Most days I'm lucky if I can get around to drinking enough water or even just getting in a good meal. But you girls are so right about everything and it makes me feel loads better just hearing from you and getting some support!! THANKS GIRLS , I'll keep you updated...
:
 
#16 ·
My advice would be not to focus on your past birthing experience. I know how it is thinking back to the last one and wondering if it will be just as bad or worse etc. Myself and most people would say that each birth is very different and unique.
I kept waiting for the pain to get worse with my second labor, expecting it to be as hard as my first, and it was basically pain free, I was astonished. Needless to say my third was not what my second was, so you just have to be prepared for whatever comes your way and not expect it to be something you experienced before.

Take it easy these last few weeks and try to nap with your little one, you both need it!
 
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