Unassisted Childbirth- WHY??? - Mothering Forums
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Unassisted Childbirth > Unassisted Childbirth- WHY???
Logan's Avatar Logan 11:01 AM 05-23-2009
I wrote a little while ago about the possibility of UCing. I am single with a son (2 years old) and seemed like UC'ers didnt approve of people birthing alone- especially with a child present. So if you dont have a partner that means having a friend there. Im feeling really disheartened by it now. I guess my idea of what an UC was, is not true to life. Im looking for clarification, cause I really dont see the difference between having a midwife there, or someone else- or both. I feel that personally my birthing would be hindered by anyone being there, and definitely was last time. Even my closest friends would still give me that feeling (even from another room) that they are watching and waiting. Or is UC only for couples???

Cause thats certainly the feeling I seem to get from this forum- that its only okay if you have a partner. I dont get the point of not having a midwife, but still having everyone else there- why not just have the midwife too? Im really confused as I thought that UC was about trusting your body and doing something which is so personal, private and primitive on your own. Not that I think you should birth totally alone if you dont want to, but why not have the midwife then? And why is it irresponsible in UC'ers opinions to not have anyone there? Yet its okay to have your partner who has no training anyway? Im just not getting it.....

Shelsi's Avatar Shelsi 11:10 AM 05-23-2009
Children, especially small ones, need a support person IMO no matter the birthing style from hospital to UC. If you are in hard labor or transition for several hours to the point where you just can't move how will you change a diaper, make lunch, keep your toddler out of trouble? What if your toddler gets hurt unexpectedly or is sick the day of your labor? What if your LO gets really scared? IMO there are too many "what-ifs" related to the child even during a totally normal labor. What will happen if you need to transfer? Or if there's an emergency and 911 needs to be called?

We had my 3 yr old very prepared for my birth (a planned midwife attended home birth). And he did totally fine until I had a surprise UC and his support person, my mom, had to run around a little and do stuff like call the midwife, find the towels, etc...no one was in a panic but it was rushed. My mom said ds got a little scared and went and hid behind a chair. Over all he was fine but even that small flurry of activity scared him a little.
guestmama9971's Avatar guestmama9971 11:19 AM 05-23-2009
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Logan's Avatar Logan 11:20 AM 05-23-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shelsi View Post
Children, especially small ones, need a support person IMO no matter the birthing style from hospital to UC. If you are in hard labor or transition for several hours to the point where you just can't move how will you change a diaper, make lunch, keep your toddler out of trouble? What if your toddler gets hurt unexpectedly or is sick the day of your labor? What if your LO gets really scared? IMO there are too many "what-ifs" related to the child even during a totally normal labor. What will happen if you need to transfer? Or if there's an emergency and 911 needs to be called?
Well this is exactly my point, what do other UCers do? Most of you seem to have other kids. So I ask again, is this just for people with partners? Im not getting it cause everyone I see post has kids before their UC. My son and I have never been separated, so my only choice is to have someone there with him, in which case they are there with me, in which case why not just have the midwife too....So Im not understanding how or why you all UC?
kittywitty's Avatar kittywitty 11:29 AM 05-23-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shelsi View Post
Children, especially small ones, need a support person IMO no matter the birthing style from hospital to UC. If you are in hard labor or transition for several hours to the point where you just can't move how will you change a diaper, make lunch, keep your toddler out of trouble? What if your toddler gets hurt unexpectedly or is sick the day of your labor? What if your LO gets really scared? IMO there are too many "what-ifs" related to the child even during a totally normal labor. What will happen if you need to transfer? Or if there's an emergency and 911 needs to be called?
This. I can't say I wouldn't UC in your position, but last thing you want is to pass out while in labor or after, etc. and not have anyone to call 911 if needed. Plus it would be nice to have someone around to feed and care for your LO right after birth. I know I don't have the energy to move for at least a couple days after birth. Asia Carrera had a UC with just her daughter there. I think it may have been a bit accidental, but you can google her birth story. I don't think there's anything wrong with it at all. I just think for me, having anyone at all there to help with clean up and feeding and phone calling would be a welcome addition after birth. Who really feels like doing all that after all your hard work?

Could you find a neighbor, aunt, sister, cousin, anyone to be on call for the what ifs?
NaturalMindedMomma's Avatar NaturalMindedMomma 11:29 AM 05-23-2009
I read a thread of a single mom with a young child who uced. It was on here I believe. I understand your frustration. I have not personally uced and would not want to. So I guess I have no advice, but a toddler while in transition would be tough. If someone was to come over to help with him, they would really be there for him and not for you, maybe that would help you feel less like a watched pot? Not sure if that helps.
guestmama9971's Avatar guestmama9971 11:41 AM 05-23-2009
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Shelsi's Avatar Shelsi 12:14 PM 05-23-2009
My son's support person, my mom, didn't even hardly look at me while I was in labor. She didn't ask me any questions except for her and I having some light conversation in the beginning of my labor. I was out in the living room for 99% of the labor/birth and she was with my son in his bedroom playing play-doh, singing & dancing, and other games. She must have also fed him lunch, prob in the kitchen, but I never noticed.

So at least in my particular situation there was a HUGE difference between a midwife and another person there to watch my ds. And I have to say, even if I did have a midwife present (which as I stated above was actually what I had planned) I would still have a support person for a toddler. It's not a midwife's job to keep an eye on my child, kwim?
BroodyWoodsgal's Avatar BroodyWoodsgal 01:16 PM 05-23-2009
I am NOT against Ucing alone...I believe that a woman who wants to walk into the woods with a small satchel of supplies to birth on her own...is living my personal fantasy! My DH would never allow that...and I DO want him to be close to me...but reading some of what Laura Shanleys site on free birth says, some of the poems...my mind can get to wandering, to fantasies of me, alone, birthing my young like a cat! In beautiful, free solitude.


I AM however, against UCing alone, with a toddler. I mean, it COULD be perfect...s/he could remain in a place of calm, not be fearful of the process and it could end up bringing mama and child closer in the end. BUT...there is also the very very real possibility, that transition could be long, like another poster said...or you could end up with a variation of normal that was compeltely managable...but required intense focus or the need to ROAR...etc. That is fine for the mama...but are you going to be able to properly focus on cork-screwing out a "stuckish" baby, if your toddler thinks something is terribly wrong and is totally losing it? No...you're not. And chances are, you aren't going to be able to properly care for him in his state of panic anyway, and at the same time, are not goin to be able to properly manage this variation of normal..which wouldn't be a huge problem, but BECOMES a problem, because you can't give it the attention it needs, you can't "go with it" because your attention is divided.

The definition of a UC...is a mama birthing WITHOUT the presence of any kind of medical management...and WITH the presence of anyone who she feels contributes the positive energy or support that she needs, to arrive safely and with whole mind and heart, at the other end of labor.

So...you having someone to take your baby to the park while you hit transition..or to play with your LO in the next room while you birth...is not in any way making your birth "not a UC" - it's just that with any birth...no matter how many you've had before...there are variables you cannot forsee.

I believe, that for the safety and security of your son on an emotional/mental level and to protect your ability to birth in whatever way you will need to (Which, you CANNOT forsee...because again, every birth is different) it is necessary for someone to be there or to take your son somewhere...so that he needs can be met, and he's not left alone in a house, with a mama who is making noses that he doesn't understand, whichscare him...or a mama who ends up having a long hard labor..and can't feed him...or a mama who compramises her health, because her internal mama-o-meter, is sending her CRAZY, mixed up messages, because her son is in distress and her new baby is needing help turning (etc) at the SAME TIME. THAT is a place I wouldn't want to find myself in...no matter how hard I fantasize about birthing with no other adults around. You know?

We wish you peace...I wish you courage and the mama wisdom to find the right solution for you....no one here wants to discourage and or nay say....but anyone who has been through a birth, knows that there are times when you crawl compltely inside of yourself, during the process, and can't have any interuptions.

We just want to ensure that you have the amazing birth you deserve...and that at the same time, it can be a supported and amazing journey for your son, as well. s
augustacherri's Avatar augustacherri 01:29 PM 05-23-2009
I have had my children with me for my UCs and they have actually slept through the most intense part of labor both times. Granted, I had my husband with me, but I really don't see a problem with it. I understand not wanting to be hindered from getting into your birth space by a toddler that needs your attention, but it is still something that is feasible to do. I didn't find the great *need* to get into my birth space until after they were asleep anyway. Before that, I enjoyed having them around me while I was in labor. My two year old son took a bath with me when I was well into active labor my first UC. It was really nice.

Laura Shanley did just that with a couple of her births. With her last one, I think she had her other three children there, but not her husband or any other adult support person. I also saw the story of another woman whose husband had died a few weeks before the birth of their second child. She had her toddler there with her and did it solo.

UC is NOT just for couples. Birth your way. You might check on unassistedchildbirth.com for some stories like yours.
Avani's Avatar Avani 01:43 PM 05-23-2009
I uc'ed as a single mom with 4 children. I intuitively felt it would all work out so i was confident with it. I also did not have money or insurance for a midwife, in fact i had no insurance so not even a hospital was a choice. I had homebirthed all my previous children. I lived somewhere where i had no friends or family. I labored throughout the day and took kids to school, made dinner and then got them all off to bed. Once they were asleep labor picked up. I labored downstairs away from them and birthed at the foot of the stairs, not by choice just worked out that way. All the kids woke up as my babe came out. My older ones assisted in clean up and getting me upstairs to bed. My youngest at the time was two and she was really excited and held the baby a lot before falling back asleep. Looking back it would have been nice to have had someone around to help me out with keeping an eye on my younger toddler and the next day to have someone hanging out with the kids and helping with cleaning and food prep. I needed rest the next day but instead had kids to take care of and cleaning to do. I am still single and pregnant again so i have 5 kids under the age of 11 with this one coming. I live in a very small apt and i have very few friends and no family. I choose to go with the support system of a midwife because i feel the need to have strong female energy around loving on me while i birth. My midwife has set me up with someone to be with the kids and has pulled together a group of women to clean my home and provide meals for the first week. I couldn't have pulled that together myself. I feel much more overwhelmed in this pregnancy and the desire for support is strong. With my previous pregnancy i was more of a loner and fine with it. Go with what feels right but be prepared for anything.
TzippityDoulah's Avatar TzippityDoulah 02:53 PM 05-23-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kmarie42 View Post
It's not only for couples, it's just that you probably won't be able to take care of your toddler like you normally do while you are in labor and birthing. Maybe you could find someone to be on call as a caregiver for your child, for when you do go into labor, and then birth at home alone?
this is how i feel too. i has nothing to do with it being just for couples... it's a concern on who would take care of your 2 yr old son. I'm not sure how your last labor was... but some labours and long and some are hard. and they certainly take serious work. that's the reality of it. I think one should be realistic about the possibilities. For instance. what if your pushing stage is quite long, and your toddler is fussing b/c his diaper needs changed and he hasn't eaten in 4 hrs... or he falls and get a boo-boo and needs some loving when you're in transition. etc. You simply can't guarantee you will be able to meet his needs because you wont know how the birth will go.

birth is all consuming in a lot of ways. and it should be! it's a wonderful beautiful experience! but it uses up all your senses. in fact it's meant to. birthing alone is fine... but birthing with only a toddler could be dangerous for the toddler because you never know how birth will unfold.
MsBlack's Avatar MsBlack 05:43 PM 05-23-2009
Logan--

I don't get it. If you want to UC, then UC, any old way you please. you posted on here asking for support and advice, and it was given. Kinda goes without saying that when you ask for advice, there is always the possibility that some or even all of the advice will not ring true for you. I don't know as anyone approved or disapproved--we all just gave our thoughts/perceptions/personal preferences. I seem to recall that plenty of support also came your way. But I don't know as anyone 'approved' of your particular birth fantasy, in the sense of wanting to do it that way themselves (alone with just a tot around). So what?

I UCed as a married woman once, and as a single parent 3times (3rd time ended in transfer--but still I was without a partner for that birth)...but I always had friend support cuz I like that during labor, and kid helpers cuz I knew I wouldn't want to deal with my kids if they were needy during labor. Just My Way, doesn't have to be anyone else's. I know women who do solo UC, with or without partners or kids present in the home but not the room--others have noted the same. If you believe that that is what you and your kids most need, and are capable of doing, then go for it.

No UC-wannabe needs anyone's permission or approval but her own. Those most likely to have a successful UC are those who find the support they need and dismiss anything/anyone that doesn't feel supportive....they don't bother arguing with, or complaining much about opposition that comes their way, because that is just a distraction from pursuing their wishes. That's UC--doing it your own way, regardless of anyone else's opinion--you make your own fantasy "true to life".
Talula Fairie 06:00 PM 05-23-2009
No one else touched on this, but I thought it is worth mentioning:

Just becuase there is another person there doesn't mean the birth is not unassisted. UC refers to birth without medical professionals, it does not mean "birthing totally alone only." There are countless ways to UC and one isn't anymore valid than another one.

The difference between birthing with friends/family/spouse/partner and birthing with a medical person is quite huge. Medical personnel have their own methods and ways of doing things, whereas a friend or partner usually isn't going to be sitting there telling you what to do or examining you.

I'm not saying you have to birth with support people, I'm just saying that having a support person there doesn't make the birth less unassisted.

And like everyone else said, it would be pretty impossible to take care of a child while in transition or very active labor. If you really feel compelled to birth totally alone, why not have someone pick up your child and take them to their house or something while you birth alone?
TzippityDoulah's Avatar TzippityDoulah 06:02 PM 05-23-2009
there is a HUGE difference in having help for a toddler and having a midwife.

though I do understand you might feel watched or even annoyed by the presence of another person.

what if you just had someone on stand by incase you needed them for the toddler? thay way you could call if the need arose or not if it didn't.

for me i wanted my husband there the entire time. and I didn't want my kids there... but i wanted them nearby. however incase things went long or I felt I needed my husband when my kids needed him ect I asked a nearby friend to be on stand by. turns out I birthed in the nighttime an they ended up sleeping through it so all was fine.

if still after our advice you decide to birth alone with your toddler, that is totally cool. you just asked if we all thought it would work out. I personally would never do it. but that doesn't mean I don't think it could be done.
Marlet's Avatar Marlet 06:07 PM 05-23-2009
I wanted to touch on the totally alone aspect too. Having a support person/babysitter for your child is not the same as having a paid professional there who is there for the sake of assisting.
rainbowmoon's Avatar rainbowmoon 06:35 PM 05-23-2009
I think you meant Asia Carrera
Quote:
Originally Posted by kittywitty View Post
This. I can't say I wouldn't UC in your position, but last thing you want is to pass out while in labor or after, etc. and not have anyone to call 911 if needed. Plus it would be nice to have someone around to feed and care for your LO right after birth. I know I don't have the energy to move for at least a couple days after birth. Tia Carrera had a UC with just her daughter there. I think it may have been a bit accidental, but you can google her birth story. I don't think there's anything wrong with it at all. I just think for me, having anyone at all there to help with clean up and feeding and phone calling would be a welcome addition after birth. Who really feels like doing all that after all your hard work?

Could you find a neighbor, aunt, sister, cousin, anyone to be on call for the what ifs?

xbabymamax's Avatar xbabymamax 06:50 PM 05-23-2009
Quote:
I AM however, against UCing alone, with a toddler. I mean, it COULD be perfect...s/he could remain in a place of calm, not be fearful of the process and it could end up bringing mama and child closer in the end. BUT...there is also the very very real possibility, that transition could be long, like another poster said...or you could end up with a variation of normal that was compeltely managable...but required intense focus or the need to ROAR...etc. That is fine for the mama...but are you going to be able to properly focus on cork-screwing out a "stuckish" baby, if your toddler thinks something is terribly wrong and is totally losing it? No...you're not. And chances are, you aren't going to be able to properly care for him in his state of panic anyway, and at the same time, are not goin to be able to properly manage this variation of normal..which wouldn't be a huge problem, but BECOMES a problem, because you can't give it the attention it needs, you can't "go with it" because your attention is divided.
-Averysmama

I really don't like the idea of anyone telling anyone what they will and won't be able to do in labor.

hopefully she'll prepare her child and also herself to help her remain calm. It will probably be ok if she puts some snacks and food out and a movie on while she is engrossed in the labor. its not a normal day and the 2 yr old will probably be ok if he/she fends for him/herself a bit that day.

all the other possibilities are possibilities reguardless of whether someones there for her child.

There is also the option of having a friend on speed dial just in case she changes her mind and needs someone to help with her child.....

....just sayin'............
BroodyWoodsgal's Avatar BroodyWoodsgal 06:54 PM 05-23-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsBlack View Post
Logan--

I don't get it. If you want to UC, then UC, any old way you please. you posted on here asking for support and advice, and it was given. Kinda goes without saying that when you ask for advice, there is always the possibility that some or even all of the advice will not ring true for you. I don't know as anyone approved or disapproved--we all just gave our thoughts/perceptions/personal preferences. I seem to recall that plenty of support also came your way. But I don't know as anyone 'approved' of your particular birth fantasy, in the sense of wanting to do it that way themselves (alone with just a tot around). So what?

I UCed as a married woman once, and as a single parent 3times (3rd time ended in transfer--but still I was without a partner for that birth)...but I always had friend support cuz I like that during labor, and kid helpers cuz I knew I wouldn't want to deal with my kids if they were needy during labor. Just My Way, doesn't have to be anyone else's. I know women who do solo UC, with or without partners or kids present in the home but not the room--others have noted the same. If you believe that that is what you and your kids most need, and are capable of doing, then go for it.

No UC-wannabe needs anyone's permission or approval but her own. Those most likely to have a successful UC are those who find the support they need and dismiss anything/anyone that doesn't feel supportive....they don't bother arguing with, or complaining much about opposition that comes their way, because that is just a distraction from pursuing their wishes. That's UC--doing it your own way, regardless of anyone else's opinion--you make your own fantasy "true to life".

OP...I think that MsBlack posted some awesome truth...especially what I bolded.

Do you know how many people in my life, support my UC goals? Well...I haven't said to many of my close family that this is what I'm doing...but when I bring it up and say that I love the idea of going UC (to feel them out) they give a resounding NOOOOOO! to the idea. "Wasn't it nice hving a midwife the first time? She was so hands off, I mean, you were unassisted, she was just there in case something went wrong! How is there shame in THAT!?" - you know? If they knew I was going about 95% UP as well?? Oh my gosh, the ceiling would fall in at their collective gasps!

I'm not UCing to please anyone else...and you shouldn't either...nobody UCs because it's what somebody else wants you to do...the desire to UC comes from deep within a woman who is ready and has the wisdom and courage to trust herself enough to let it happen.

If you have a plan and you think it is a good plan and you think your son will be fine through the process (YOU know your two year old...only YOU) then go for it...don't have anything other than your birth, the way you want it. Prepare yourself...maybe with a friend, who, if it becomes too much, knows that you may call her at some point to come and help keep your babe company...or not.

Nobody here would ever pretend to want to control your fantasy birth...if you ask our opinions, you can always trust that the women here will give it to you, straight up and with love....but we can only base our opinions on our previous births and personal preferences...we don't know you, we don't know your son...and we don't know your unborn or the way s/he needs to be born, either. All of these things...you have much better knowledge about than any of us.

SO....trust yourself. Take outside advice with as much or little consideration as you see fit...and have a baby the way you need to.
mwherbs's Avatar mwherbs 07:01 PM 05-23-2009
so what you idealize and what the realities are can be different, with our first home birth I labored in the night , the kids, mw and DH slept through most of my labor- I woke them up when I thought I was getting near to having the baby- and I was irritated that they couldn't read my mind, irrational but this is my truth- the older kids woke up on their own and peeked around the corner when I was pushing the baby out/catching her. So 4 years later I have a UC, the kids are asleep- until I start screaming while in transition - something I have never done nor imagined i would do in labor but I can't hear heart tones and the baby just isn't coming I have been in labor for days- so the kids hear this and are all are crying and frozen in place- quite a contrast from the last birth- at some point I am screaming the baby is dead- because I was convinced that it was so- not long after that I have the baby and he is fine, I am fine-- how do you think my other kids were?
oh yes and I get to own this all by myself- short sighted planning, lack of imagination on my part... you never know what the eventualities may be - do you have a plan that includes what your toddler may need if it is different than what you think will most likely happen?
BroodyWoodsgal's Avatar BroodyWoodsgal 07:07 PM 05-23-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by WannaBeAMamaMia View Post
-Averysmama

I really don't like the idea of anyone telling anyone what they will and won't be able to do in labor.

hopefully she'll prepare her child and also herself to help her remain calm. It will probably be ok if she puts some snacks and food out and a movie on while she is engrossed in the labor. its not a normal day and the 2 yr old will probably be ok if he/she fends for him/herself a bit that day.

all the other possibilities are possibilities reguardless of whether someones there for her child.

There is also the option of having a friend on speed dial just in case she changes her mind and needs someone to help with her child.....

....just sayin'............
Quote:
-I AM however, against UCing alone, with a toddler. I mean, it COULD be perfect...s/he could remain in a place of calm, not be fearful of the process and it could end up bringing mama and child closer in the end. BUT...there is also the very very real possibility, that transition could be long, like another poster said...or you could end up with a variation of normal that was compeltely managable...but required intense focus or the need to ROAR...etc. That is fine for the mama...but are you going to be able to properly focus on cork-screwing out a "stuckish" baby, if your toddler thinks something is terribly wrong and is totally losing it? No...you're not. And chances are, you aren't going to be able to properly care for him in his state of panic anyway, and at the same time, are not goin to be able to properly manage this variation of normal..which wouldn't be a huge problem, but BECOMES a problem, because you can't give it the attention it needs, you can't "go with it" because your attention is divided.
Please re-read bolded section of my post, quoted above in your response to my original input on this thread. I clearly stated that it could be fine.

But....anyone who knows a two year old, also knows that it COULD be less than fine. The OP was asking why people were nay saying her birthing alone with a toddler present. So...then people posted why they thought maybe it wasn't a good idea.

The most specific reason **I** gave, was that one never knows what's going to happen. I mean, based on MY first birth, I could have watched a room FULL of toddlers on my own for the first 30 hours of my birth, prepared them all lunches, sang them to sleep and popped out my DD in the 1.5 of actual, hard labor that I had....does that mean I'm expecting the same thing next time? Well, of course it's what I visualize....but my baby could be breech, could be a bit of a slow turner, could be born within any number of variations of normal, which will still result in a happy healthy mama and baby, but which could require a whole lot more focus, energy and will, than my first birth did.

Is this not the amazing, wild and wonerful nature of birth? It is for me...you never know what you're going to get...there is no 100% guarantee of "perfect birht" every time...but I believe, that the way you get as close as possible to YOUR perfect birth, is to KNOW everything is going to be fine, listen to your body and ensure that you know you can handle it if things start to go as unplanned. That's why, my mantras and powerful visualizations are all ones of joy and positive outcomes....but there will be someone around to watch my 18 month old, in the event that I have a birth which requires MORE of me.

The OP asked a question: Why would anyone nay say. I simply answered her. I didn't tell her what she was or was not going to be able to do during her birth...if you reread...I said that there were things that could pop up, that MIGHT require an amount of focus, which would prevent her from properyl addressing the needs of a two year old who is frightened by the process, etc. Did I scream with my last birth? No. Did I pant and roar and need to switch positons frequently? No. BUT....THIS birth I could be panting, screaming, twisting around and require constant switching around and manuvering...I could have a two hour long transition...any number of things could come up, which I as the laboring mother would have to go with, and would prevent me from calming an 18 month old baby, who is completely uncomfortable with her mama acting like a wild animal.

All I did was tell the OP...the reasons *I* would not UC alone, with a toddler...that and I told her that having someone care for him does not mean it's not a UC. She asked for an opinion...she got a bunch, we will all support her decision, even if it's not something WE would do. That's UC. Not birth YOUR way...or her way...or their way...birth MY way.
Logan's Avatar Logan 10:39 PM 05-23-2009
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. I cant respond to them all but wanted to say a few things. First of all my son is not going to starve during the transition, not only would I have food ready but he is more than capable (and does many times throughout the day) help himself to healthy snacks and food in the fridge and cupboards whenever he wants. He's also fully toilet trained (EC) and has been for well over a year, he takes himself to the toilet when he needs to go. He may sleep through it- though I imagine he would definitely wake at the end, just knowing him- especially if the baby cries, the sound of babies and children can wake him from the deepest sleeps. He may be uninterested and watch a movie.

As I said we have not been separated, there is no way I would be able to birth with him off at a playground or at a friends house- NO way. The stress of that would stop my birth, or upset me to the point of making the whole thing a nightmare. If he is awake I dont see him wanting to be in another room. Perhaps playing in the same room. Though we live in a very small house and the only door is on the bathroom, so its very cosy anyway- all the rooms lead into another. My mother could come for him, but she would not support a UC at all, and theres no way she would stand by while I 'ooops' and dont call the midwife. My only other friend who I would feel comfortable having watch him is a doula and student midwife who is (in a good way) obsessed with birth. Can you really imagine her siiting off in another room doing playdough and not being interested in what's going on?

I am planning to have a mothers help for the first week or two after as I know I will be in a bit of pain after. I am not fussed about people coming after the birth. I will definitely have my midwife come to check me out and do the regular post-partum check-ups. Im not fussed about having an UP or no post-natal care. Its the birth I want the privacy for. If nobody was there at all, I would definitely call my mother to come over soon after. My friend lives only 10 minutes away so if for some reason I, or my son, werent coping then I can call her at any stage.

Im not looking for approval, I really just wanted clarification on why others do it. Because if I am going to be watched (even in the most passive stand-offish way-at my request) I guess I might as well be also watched by a midwife. That was what I wasnt getting.
BroodyWoodsgal's Avatar BroodyWoodsgal 11:44 PM 05-23-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Logan View Post
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. I cant respond to them all but wanted to say a few things. First of all my son is not going to starve during the transition, not only would I have food ready but he is more than capable (and does many times throughout the day) help himself to healthy snacks and food in the fridge and cupboards whenever he wants. He's also fully toilet trained (EC) and has been for well over a year, he takes himself to the toilet when he needs to go. He may sleep through it- though I imagine he would definitely wake at the end, just knowing him- especially if the baby cries, the sound of babies and children can wake him from the deepest sleeps. He may be uninterested and watch a movie.

As I said we have not been separated, there is no way I would be able to birth with him off at a playground or at a friends house- NO way. The stress of that would stop my birth, or upset me to the point of making the whole thing a nightmare. If he is awake I dont see him wanting to be in another room. Perhaps playing in the same room. Though we live in a very small house and the only door is on the bathroom, so its very cosy anyway- all the rooms lead into another. My mother could come for him, but she would not support a UC at all, and theres no way she would stand by while I 'ooops' and dont call the midwife. My only other friend who I would feel comfortable having watch him is a doula and student midwife who is (in a good way) obsessed with birth. Can you really imagine her siiting off in another room doing playdough and not being interested in what's going on?

I am planning to have a mothers help for the first week or two after as I know I will be in a bit of pain after. I am not fussed about people coming after the birth. I will definitely have my midwife come to check me out and do the regular post-partum check-ups. Im not fussed about having an UP or no post-natal care. Its the birth I want the privacy for. If nobody was there at all, I would definitely call my mother to come over soon after. My friend lives only 10 minutes away so if for some reason I, or my son, werent coping then I can call her at any stage.

Im not looking for approval, I really just wanted clarification on why others do it. Because if I am going to be watched (even in the most passive stand-offish way-at my request) I guess I might as well be also watched by a midwife. That was what I wasnt getting.
Okay.....^THIS^...is completely thought out, well planned UC preperation.

If you had said THAT in your first post...you wouldn't have had any flack from me...THAT makes sense. In your OP, you sounded like you were asking what could possibly go wrong with birthing alone with a two year old and REALLY didn't seem to have thought of it..when obviously, as evidenced above, you HAVE. You didn't give any indication of the level of independance(sp?) of your two year old...but from what you're telling me above, he is a pretty solid little kid. Plus, you obviously have a back up plan..you didn't give any indication of that in your first post.

The way you posted it HERE...you sound confident and totally prepared. THIS...nobody would have a problem with. A mama, who sounds like maybe she HASN'T thought it through, who DOESN'T add that her two year old is capable of basic self-care and that she has a doula friend on speed dial, 10 minutes away, in case of a change in plans or issue...I would say I see potential for trouble, if something changes that the mama hasn't thought of in advance.

But you DO have a plan, you HAVE thought this through and you DO have a two year old capable of basic self-care and a friend on back-up. What's the problem? UC is NOT about one way of birthing is RIGHT and another WRONG. Every woman, births naturally, a different way. So...what's right for you, may turn into a disaster for someone else. It REALLY sounds like you're doing what you want to do and like you are prepared for it. I wish you would have posted THAT as your first post..it had all the information anyone would need, to see clearly that your situation is FINE.

Oh, and as far as the being watched, "you may as well be watched by a MW"...NOooooo! That's not so at all. Again, it seems like YOUR way of wanting to birth, requires that no one be watching you...but at MY birth, my DH will be there, as he was with me, alone, during my first birth. He is not there to WATCH me...he is there, because he is my spiritual connection to this earth while I birth. He totally grounds me and his presence is a great source of energy and strength for me. He is not there to speak...we don't need to speak to communicate and exchange what I need from him during labor...so...the "watching" thing...yeah, I wouldn't want anyone watching me, either. But without my DH there, I'd be one unhappy camper.

I mean...my DH and I created this being, out of an act of love, to be grown from his flesh and mine into a living little love bucket...he and I will travel this earth the rest of our days..looking after and being in love with these little humans of ours. I can't imagine him not being present, to deliver with me to this earth, our creation...our love creation. He is the other half of my body...and, during the birth experience, the other half of this person...he HAS to be there to catch this baby...he HAS to.
Talula Fairie 12:42 AM 05-24-2009
I still don't think "if you have someone there you may as well have a midwife" is accurate. A midwife is a trained professional, employed by you, with an ethical obligation to make sure the birth goes off safely. They would be 'watching' in a totally different way than any other person would. Not to mention the cost of a midwife and the fact that you'd likely see them regularly to be examined before and after the birth.

Now, if your idea of birthing is totally alone that's fine....but having a friend there doesn't make your birth any less unassisted.
Happiestever's Avatar Happiestever 01:05 AM 05-24-2009
I totally understand wanting privacy. But I too have to say that unassisted doesn't have to mean unsupported. Whether that means having a friend to be there for your son , which you say it totally self-sufficient, but is still a child none the less. Heck, some adults need help sometimes. I would really think about the reality of a situation, because birth is anything but reliable. I mean anything can happen, and having someone there to help you (grab a towel will ya!) or your child (how about making some lasagna for dinner!) And yes you can do these things yourself, but wouldn't it be nice not to have to spread yourself quite so thin while in birthing. Could you imagine if your were pushing and the next thing you hear is a screaming toddler who tripped over a shoe and now is crawling toward you cause it hurts to walk- the last part happened to me around my due date and I could barely cope then. What you want now may not be what you want when labor kicks in. And it's wonderful that you have made plans, but don't count anything out and always have a back up plan.
Isarma's Avatar Isarma 11:43 AM 05-24-2009
<i>My only other friend who I would feel comfortable having watch him is a doula and student midwife who is (in a good way) obsessed with birth. Can you really imagine her siiting off in another room doing playdough and not being interested in what's going on?</i>

I think you may be underestimating your friend. Obviously you know her personally and I don't. However, in my experience that type of person (as long as they're UC supportive) is certainly likely to honor your every wish. Of course she'd be interested, but it's entirely likely she could respect your birth space. I'd talk to her about it. Granted, if you don't want anyone there, then you don't, but she'd be the one I'd call if I needed help with my toddler.
Sheryl1678's Avatar Sheryl1678 04:31 PM 05-24-2009
I am a single momma who had a UC with my dd (3yrs old) present for much of my labor. My dream was to go totally solo with only my daughter present but that did not work out.

She was very disturbed by my vocalization and sort of freaked out. My dad came to get her and my mom came to chill out in the next room with me(even though I didn't really want her there).

My mom (who is a nurse) knew all about UC but still felt an overwhelming urge to "do something". She wanted to get involved, break my water, tug the cord etc. Thankfully I am not afraid to tell my mom how I really feel but I would find it very difficult to be that direct with a midwife and it would irk me to no end that I had to keep saying "no".

Many homebirth midwives still do pelvic exams, break waters, reposition laboring moms, catch babies, clamp cords etc. I did not want any of that (and any of the above would have made the birth an awful experience for me). Nobody touched me and nobody that wasn't family touched my baby for weeks following her birth.

In the end I am sad that my daughter missed it but she was happier being away. Mom turned out to be very helpful (for clean up and postpartum food) and I think she is thrilled and honored to have been able to be there.
Kidzaplenty's Avatar Kidzaplenty 04:50 PM 05-24-2009
Well, I am married and have plenty of available children to care for the LO as I labor and birth.

However, if something were to happen and DH was no longer around or could not get to me in time, and my Olders were no where around, I would still UC with just me and my LO.

The likelyhood that he would sleep through it is high, and if not, I could prepare the place before hand with snacks and such to keep him busy during my labor.

I would also have someone I could call in case of emergency that was close enough to come assist if it were necessary.

I guess I just don't agree in having someone "there" just in case. I can not birth well with other people around and would always be concerned with the other peoples needs/wants/actions if they were around.

I found that even with my last induced hospital birth, I spent an huge amount of time and energy concerning myself with the nurse and not causing her too much work, or making her to have to return to do something too often.
MittensKittens's Avatar MittensKittens 05:44 PM 05-24-2009
I haven't read the other replies yet - will do so after posting. I did want to say that I had a UC on my own with a toddler there just a little while ago. It was an absolutely wonderful, peaceful experience.
love4acr's Avatar love4acr 11:30 AM 05-28-2009
My last birth was a solo uc. My husband just doesn't *do* birth well and it ends up having a negative effect on my labor. So when he said he didn't want to be there, I left it at that. He ended up taking the boys on our annual trip up to the in-laws over the 4th of July (about 3.5 hours away) and I went into labor the day after they left. I was here totally alone, but did email my neighbor (who was also conveniently planning a couples uc, so we were on the same page about no intervention, etc.) to let her know labor had started and please stick close to home in case I needed her for something. It was the greatest day, the most peaceful and memorable birth and I'm so thankful for it. It was great to have the whole house silent and was really able to focus on relaxing, etc.

For this birth, however, it doesn't really fall during a time that dh will be out of town, so there is a chance that my 3 children will be home. I would love to have them here and will give each of them the chance to choose if they want to go to my friend's house or stay home to wait for baby. I don't want any "outside" people at my birth, not a friend, a neighbor, and midwife, my mother. I can handle having dh and kids here, but that's where I draw the line. And dh really doesn't want to be there, so I have to respect that and realize I may be laboring with all three kids here. If it works out that way, I'll just have to have faith that the older ones will help out where needed and they'll all be great for me.

My mom is so paranoid that I'm going to pass out and bleed to death (and die, of course) and she thinks I should have someone come over and wait in the other room or in their car. First of all, that's a lot to ask of someone not knowing how many hours/days I could be in labor. Second of all, even if someone agreed to wait out in their car, I'd still feel like a watched pot and would not be able to get the thought of "someone waiting on me to produce a baby" out of my head enough to labor through it. I will likely call a homebirthing friend that I've already discussed my ideas on birth with, just to let her know that today is the day and to stay close to the phone in case I needed an extra pair of hands. That's all the help and reassurance I feel I need. After the birth, I'll probably call my mom to come help me out getting us all cleaned up and in bed, but once the birth has passed, it doesn't bother me to have visitors.

All I can say to the OP is that if a certain way to birth (like with your son present) feels right, then follow your intuition. It wouldn't hurt to have a backup plan of someone to come over to help out in a pinch, but it sounds like you'll have preparations made in advance to keep him happy and occupied. Do what feels right for you and your family and then turn a deaf ear to negativity!
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