DH completely opposed, would you UC anyway? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 38 Old 01-28-2010, 03:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by JamesMama View Post
I'm going to call around and see if I can round up a homebirth midwife. If she hears that the other midwife jumped ship and I'm stuck with the OB she might take pity on me. She was pretty anti-this OB, and a she knows my desire for a normal birth so...I'll beg or at least ask her to point me in the direction of someone else willing. If need be I'll leave her name off everything (she is a CNM) and do it completely off the grid, I don't care. DH said that's okay so long as there is someone here...I told him we might have to lie and say he did it (if we can found up a CPM) and he said he'd do that...he has no issues with lying so long as he doesn't have to actually DO it.
That's what I did, in 1989. We uc'd cuz there weren't any midwives, and he caught the baby, and that's what we told the Vital Statistics people, when we went to fill out the birth certificate...How did your birth go?
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#32 of 38 Old 01-28-2010, 08:18 AM
 
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For me, if DH was not completely on board I would 1). seriously try to get him on board and then 2). at the end of the day, I would have to listen to my body - because it will be MY body going into labour and having this baby... and if that said 'stay away from OB hospital! (and my body would be screaming that lol)...then I would have to just go with that.
I would need support though. Even though my DH is on board, hes not my 'support' - I have a close friend for that. I would still need that.

Mummy me : > Thats Ann! and my beautiful SONS Duncanand Hamish 19/09/05 & 22/04/10!
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#33 of 38 Old 01-28-2010, 11:19 AM
 
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Why is the OB at the hospital the default? That should be the decision that both people would have to agree on in order for it to happen. Submitting yourself to a high likelyhood of dangerous interventions to appease SOMEONE ELSE'S fears seems like it should not be the go-to choice unless both partners agree it is for the best. .

This!

She wants a UC, he says no = she drives a wedge
He wants an intervention happy OB, she says no = he drives a wedge

I get why a woman wants to have respect for her husband's feelings, but he ain't getting a lick more respect out of me than he gives me!

I take it there are no birth centers in the area?

Mother to R- 2/09, & C- 5/11

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#34 of 38 Old 01-28-2010, 11:35 AM
 
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She hasn't posted since mid-Dec, hope everything's okay...

Kelly (28), in love with husband Jason (38) and our awesome babies:  Emma 4/09, and Ozzy 8/10

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#35 of 38 Old 01-28-2010, 01:05 PM
 
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Whose fears win here?

I haven't had time to read through all of the replies here, but I would be very cautious about making the decision either way based on fear. Research, intuition, experience, are all valid reasons. But IMHO, we don't make our best decisions when they are based on fear.

Kori
SAHM to two boys and a baby girl born at home on Valentines Day
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#36 of 38 Old 01-29-2010, 06:15 AM
 
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2 things:

1. Yes, I would UC with or without my partner. It's my body, and I am the one who lives very personally, forever, with what happens at birth. I would want someone there to give me a hand, but it would not have to be my partner. Birth is women's business, and IMO it is a man's job to support what makes his woman feel the most safe at birth--or go the bar and drink w/his buddies until the birth is over (or whatever his equivalent is...)--get himself and his fear OUT OF MY WAY.

2. Neither set of fears should 'win'. I can see being freaked out about having to deal with a highly medicalized birth after having birthed naturally and peacefully, and upset to think you might also have to deal with interference with your babe. That would really bug me, too. But if you are going to UC, or even have a hb w/a midwife, you need to be at peace with the actual decision, not running from fear. Your fear will only come with you and invade your UC.

Hopefully your dh will get over his initial emotional reaction, and come to a willingness to explore this with you openly. He does NOT have to 'deliver the baby'--YOU will be doing that. You and he both might want him to help catch the baby as it emerges--though it's not strictly necessary--but a dh at birth is NOT taking on the role of Dr, midwife, anything except his loving partner self.

And, just to put a different perspective out there--it is sometimes said that a woman who chooses a birth plan against her partner's willingness is 'driving a wedge into the relationship'. But I have to ask--isn't that partner the one 'driving the wedge', by refusing to openly engage in becoming informed about birth, by refusing becoming actively responsible at birth (in some way, even if not UC), by forcing his woman to choose 'me or the birth you want', by imposing his masculine will over an entirely feminine matter? To me, a good relationship is cooperative, and BOTH partners must feed a spirit of cooperation, respect and mutual support. I for one would not want a man who imposed his will over me that way (on the basis of fear, especially!). You can 'preserve' the relationship through capitulation...you can keep the man and 'keep the peace' (at a high price)--but you sure can't make it a real partnership that way. JMO
YES YES YES!!!

My first freebirth was with ds3 after 2 c/s. My dh was not on board, so I told him I would go to the OB, and I did and reported the requirements he had for me and my labour. My dh thought they were outrageous, but stuck to his fear for the whole pg, although he did relent and stop talking to me about them toward he end when I told him that I need to focus on my body and pts from my traumatic births so that I could successfully have a beautiful and healing birth. He mostly stopped.

Our agreement was that he would not be in the room with me if he was afraid, and that he would only observe since I was very sure about doing it solo, but he didn't want me to be alone. Later, he asked if he could call support for him! So, after I began the last day of labour (I had four weeks of nightly prodromal), he called our friend who is also a mw, and she stayed with him and explained things to him as the labour progressed.

So we had a mw present for my dh in another room and she supported him and his fears and that left me completely free to enjoy every last moment of labour, which I did. He did occasionally come and give me water and offer me food (thanks to our friend who sent him in to do that. I love her ).

I would not have hesitated to freebirth even had he retained his fears. He had ample opportunity to read and learn and didn't then. He did with my second freebirth though and even following the first one, he was a changed man; he became a sometimes embarrassingly outspoken advocate for freebirthing and also for the empowerment of women in matters of childbirthing and rearing. He couldn't be convinced otherwise now! I am amazed at how vehemently he defends women even when they are not willing or don't even know that their choices are being overtly limited.

I didn't know if dh would come around with the first freebirth, but in my situation, my first c/s was done by an ignorant and deliberately deceptive OB who took my 20 wk u/s dated baby approx. 8 weeks prematurely (oops )so she could go on vacation and still have the money, the second one assaulted me and nearly killed me on the table and sent me to icu for three hours pp with no baby of course (ds2 stayed with dh), and then the third one I saw for dh's sake stated exactly this, "If I let you attempt a trial of labour, I will lose political capital. Do you know what political capital means?"

My dh was free to see any one of those OBs if he wanted to, but there was NO WAY they or anyone like them was going to touch me or my baby unless I was already dead or would be otherwise- for real.

Well, I've been absent for 8 months, and during that time, it turns out that I have completely transformed. You are all precious. Thank you for being here and sharing your lives. You are truly a gift. namaste.gif Jan. 23, 2012

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#37 of 38 Old 01-29-2010, 06:35 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mamakori View Post
I haven't had time to read through all of the replies here, but I would be very cautious about making the decision either way based on fear. Research, intuition, experience, are all valid reasons. But IMHO, we don't make our best decisions when they are based on fear.
I agree, but it can be an excellent motivator! I started my journey in fear, and my first freebirth came without any residue of it left. It was a very hard journey for me- to completely switch paradigms, work through pts, learn so much about birth and then about myself in the midst of that and then finally have fulfilled what I previously didn't know was a dream- a powerful, healing, beautiful and peaceful birth: my third son.

My initial fear-based decision was to quit seeing the OB (I called in sick because I actually felt ill at the prospect of going again), and then from there flowed non-fear based rational, experiencial, and intuitive decisions- ones made in confidence and desire. The initial fear was a key to freeing myself from an unnecessary and dangerous inappropriate power-imbalanced relationship.

I think fear is a lot like pain or anger in that it alerts us to something being 'off' and it can be used effectively to point us to what that thing is so that we have the opportunity to make decisions based in the more rational or intuitive parts of ourselves.

I used fear rather effectively when I decided not to go down dark alleys or streets on my way home from work as a teen. Fear isn't bad and it doesn't prevent us from making beneficial decisions, but we can overextend its use by acting from instinct when we need to use our intellects to analyse and conclude. It is important to recognise that it is fear we are experiencing so that we can make decisions when the situation isn't truly fight-or-flight- which isn't really a decision-making process but rather instinct.

I wouldn't discourage a fear-based decision like not being able to stomach seeing an OB so quitting, but if that state of fear became the continual condition of the mother during pg, then I'd definitely want to lend some empowering support to get rid of it. Certainly perpetuity of fear would be a huge over-extension of its use and benefit.


Well, I've been absent for 8 months, and during that time, it turns out that I have completely transformed. You are all precious. Thank you for being here and sharing your lives. You are truly a gift. namaste.gif Jan. 23, 2012

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#38 of 38 Old 02-02-2010, 02:31 PM
 
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And, just to put a different perspective out there--it is sometimes said that a woman who chooses a birth plan against her partner's willingness is 'driving a wedge into the relationship'. But I have to ask--isn't that partner the one 'driving the wedge', by refusing to openly engage in becoming informed about birth, by refusing becoming actively responsible at birth (in some way, even if not UC), by forcing his woman to choose 'me or the birth you want', by imposing his masculine will over an entirely feminine matter? To me, a good relationship is cooperative, and BOTH partners must feed a spirit of cooperation, respect and mutual support. I for one would not want a man who imposed his will over me that way (on the basis of fear, especially!). You can 'preserve' the relationship through capitulation...you can keep the man and 'keep the peace' (at a high price)--but you sure can't make it a real partnership that way. JMO
AMEN

I do have to admit that if my husband wasn't on board it would definitely hinder my birth process. If he is still opposed after discussion then I would go in after my water breaks or you could have an oops the baby is coming moment. Good Luck and I hope and pray it all comes together to bring you a peaceful birth and healthy baby.

Wife to Dh and homeschooling, mother to DD16  DS12  DS9  DS5  DS3. Due with 6th child in March 2014.

 

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