It's hard to nail it down...so many reasons, so many little paths in life making their mark...
First, I think my parents had a big influence on me. When I was pregnant I still had to work through the options and come to my own decision, but the fact that I had
options is definitely b/c of my childhood with them. I'm the product of an extremely traumatic, psychotic birth. People often disbelieve me when they get the details. After 2 more traumatic births, my mom left the hospital for good.
She considered a HB dr and a HB CNM b/c that was the law. But ended up feeling the same "vibe" from them. She to this day calls it a "hospital birth in your bedroom." So she did the "call him too late" method.
After that, they went on to have 7 more UC in a different state. A couple times transferring for stitches.
So I had a very open idea of birthing, and I was already clued into the hazards of hospitals/OBs by the time I was pregnant.
Still, I found myself almost unwilling to accept that OBs could be so bad. Despite loving the idea of an UC (especially being Catholic and reading Moran's book!) I found myself on this adventure to prove that an OB could be nice, that a hospital could have a good outcome.
Looking back, I think I was responding to my friends. They all had hospital births and they all swore up and down that their OBs were great. (e.g. I remember being chastized on FB for posting the obstetrician song).
And so began, in my 1st trimester, a round of interviews, internet research, phone calls and a prenatal appt. Midwives were illegal. I couldn't find any CNMs. I couldn't find a birth center near me. I checked out a few OBs. My jaw dropped many times. (If you don't cut the cord soon enough the baby will explode BTW). I noticed a name pop up frequently surrounding "natural" birth and waterbirth. One doctor in my state, at one hospital, "allowed" water labor. No birth. First come first served basis for 2 in hospital pools.
So I scheduled an appt. with her. And got a strange, unjustifiable, unexplainable urge to run. I literally had a panic attack in that waiting room. I have never felt such a thing before but I certainly wasn't going to ignore it. I had no
explanation whatsoever. But I left. DH saw me shaking and just said, "let's go."
Anyways, after that I planned an UC and we almost made it. DD was malpositioned and we called in an UG MW who helped turn her head and showed DH how to move her past the pubic bone. I didn't get my waterbirth either b/c I had to put so much effort into pushing, I couldn't maintain a comfortable position in the pool.
Everyone was fine afterwards and it left with me a stronger desire to UC. Looking back, I see several things I didn't want, things that give me a feeling of invasion. The MW was a wonderful person and I could tell she was experienced. I would call on her in an instant if I felt we needed a professional.
But something in my personality
wants to birth alone. At this point, it's not related to any outside influences. The insanity of the medical industry, friends, my parents, none of that really matters to me at this point. I just feel an intense, deep desire to be with my husband and DD, in our home, birthing our child. When I play out the scenario, I see us, quiet, in darkness, holding baby #2 in the pool.
Can't explain it.