Unprepared to be Questioned! HELP - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-06-2010, 02:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We waited until the second trimester to tell anyone we are having a baby. After they figured out we were serious (we told Easter, but they thought it was an April Fools), they wanted to know what hospital, what doctor, what the doctor has said, how I know when it's due, if I'm taking vitamins, eating fish, exercising, etc...

I'm really not good dealing with people pressuring me to do things, which is part of why I and doing UP/UC. I was NOT expecting any of these questions. I dont like having to justify my actions to people, I usually end up just saying whatever pops into my head.

What did you say when people (especially your parents, who gave birth in Hospitals - my mother is even anti-midwife, which I totally wasn't expecting) questioned you?

Thanks!

ETA: I had lunch with my mom and aunt today. They were both all for me going to the doctor and getting prenatals. I explained that I am eating healthy and keeping track of what I eat in a computer program so I KNOW what I am getting. I've also been over and over with my mom with the issue of taking multivitamins and them not being monitored and interferring with the absorption of the vitamins they contain. My aunt actually said that when they had babies they were not informed of anything and just did what they were told. She said we have alot more information available to us these days. My mom actually agreed!!!!!!! I couldn't beleive it.

I wanted to just let people think what they wanted or tell them what they wanted to hear but my DH doesn't want to. And I feel completely rude pretty much telling them its none of their business. They're our baby's grandparents, and they just want it to be healthy. How do I get them to listen and not TELL me what I need to do to have a healthy baby. It isn't like I'm 15 and dont know how to do research! I have a MASTERS DEGREE! They have high school diplomas from the 70's! Alot has changed.

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Old 04-06-2010, 08:32 AM
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well, i suppose this has a lot to do with you and your family and how you relate. for some families, it's best to have an answer like "everything is going great; we're very healthy and taking good care of ourselves; please pass the bean dip."

for others, honesty is better and being clear about boundaries.

i have no problem not giving into pressure. so, i am honest and hold my boundaries. but for others, this is not the right path.
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Old 04-06-2010, 09:07 AM
 
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I'm not a good liar...well, sometimes I can be and sometimes I can't. So I usually tell the truth when asked. I don't care what they think. So far no one has asked about where I'm having this baby except for those that were supportive. Or at the very least not antagonistic about it. My mother tried to change my mind about it (by saying that hospitals were sterile, of all things -- I laughed when she said that), but I told her that this is what I want to do and I live literally five blocks from a hospital anyway.

My only problem is that everyone and their mother on my DP's side keeps asking when I'm going to see the doctor and get a u/s so they know the gender. DP's grandmother wants to make a blanket so I can see why she's bugging us about it. I think they're all just assuming that I will give birth in the hospital in town.

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Old 04-06-2010, 09:42 AM
 
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"We aren't discussing our plans" or "We are keeping our medical care private"

Mom to Eoin (11/02), Eilis (09/04), Eamon (07/07), and Ellery (04/10)
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Old 04-06-2010, 02:45 PM
 
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With my last pregnancy / birth, I lied - a lot. I would tell people whatever I thought they would want to hear. Afterward, I would feel very angry and resentful that I didn't stand up and exlaim what I felt was right. This time around, I'm being honest from the get-go. I suppose you could say that I've developed more confindence. That, and I've dealt with crap from others, so I feel the need to defend myself.

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Old 04-06-2010, 08:18 PM
 
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i always said "things are going great!" which isn't a lie, it was true.

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Old 04-06-2010, 09:14 PM
 
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I have no intention of telling my family or friends that we are going with UC. I have people in that circle who will cause issues for me with children services (I know this for a fact because they have called on me before with false claims because they get mad that I don't vax among other crunchy mama things)

I plan on telling them all is going well & when baby comes ~ oops we didn't make it to the hospital.

This is something between me and my husband ... family & friends who obviously can't do the research themselves before bashing me can eat it.

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Old 04-08-2010, 12:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by shishkeberry View Post
My only problem is that everyone and their mother on my DP's side keeps asking when I'm going to see the doctor and get a u/s so they know the gender. DP's grandmother wants to make a blanket so I can see why she's bugging us about it. I think they're all just assuming that I will give birth in the hospital in town.
Grandma can make a yellow or green blanket. That's what my "adopted" grandma did. I still have it, 21 years later for when the "baby" gets married and has his own kids. I would just let them assume. The one thing that helped the most, is I told anyone who had concerns (who what when) is "I have done a LOT of research and barring any reason to go elsewhere, this is the healthiest and safest route for us and the baby." Never leave it open for discussion... (and If you haven't done the research, now is the time...we even had a social worker show up on our doorstep at 2 days postpartum(someone had called that there was a baby born there) and I was able to tell her about our prenatal care, and responsible homebirth...she thought I was a doctor and told me so!
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by born2birth View Post
I have no intention of telling my family or friends that we are going with UC. I have people in that circle who will cause issues for me with children services (I know this for a fact because they have called on me before with false claims because they get mad that I don't vax among other crunchy mama things)
Great plan...some people are better off not knowing

Quote:
I plan on telling them all is going well & when baby comes ~ oops we didn't make it to the hospital.
I love it!

Quote:
This is something between me and my husband ... family & friends who obviously can't do the research themselves before bashing me can eat it.
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by boheime View Post
"We aren't discussing our plans" or "We are keeping our medical care private"
that's an excellent answer!
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Old 04-09-2010, 09:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ugh. Just got of a 25 minute phone conversation with my mom. She called to tell me a baby name, then proceded to ask where it says that I'm allowed to not see a doctor when I am pregnant (she doesn't know we're UCing) and dont I want to do everything possible to make sure that the baby is healthy? And I thought we were making progress....

I emailed her a link to Laura Shanley's UP page, and her interview on UC, but I dont think she's going to drop it. Any suggestions? I am about ready to tell her that if she cant be supportive and simply just ask questions nicely to understand, then to please not talk about it.

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Old 04-10-2010, 02:00 AM
 
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i have just been very ... mysterious ... about my birthing option to my mom. in the back of her head, im sure she knows that i will UC. although she would completely prefer for me to be in the hospital, i know she is trying to convince herself that i will *at least* be getting a midwife.

i kinda go along with it with out lying .. i say we have a few midwifes in our area (which we do,) i say that i believe midwives are very important (which they are, just not for this birth,) and I say that everything is going good (which it is!)

she keeps saying things, though, like, "are you just going to stay home until the baby "accidently" comes out? cuz i just know you are..."

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Old 04-15-2010, 11:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I emailed her a link to Laura Shanley's UP page, and her interview on UC, but I dont think she's going to drop it. Any suggestions? I am about ready to tell her that if she cant be supportive and simply just ask questions nicely to understand, then to please not talk about it.
Her response to this is that that woman is very blessed by God to have babies, and any other person, the babies and mom would have died.

I'm too the point where I just want to tell her what she wants to hear. DH is still very much against this...why, I'm not sure.

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Old 04-16-2010, 07:19 AM
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lol well, you can tell your mom that i did a UP/UC like that blessed lady, and that a lot of women do, and we are not dead. nope, not dead at all.

this cracked me up--

where it says that I'm allowed to not see a doctor when I am pregnant

i'm so confused by this statement i don't know where to begin. first of all, what rule book is she using where one would look up what one is "allowed" or "not allowed" to do in any given circumstance? and then, i would like to know who wrote and published this book where i can go and look and see "where it says" that i'm allowed or not allowed to do something. LOL

at the end of the day, you just have to find a way to tell her where your boundary is. i told my parents when they brought up the "don't you want the baby to be healthy" line that it is my top priority, as well as my own health, and that is the basis for this decision. i explained how prenatal care doesn't create better outcomes (according to the statistics), and how hospital care and even midwifery can interfere and cause damage to mothers and infants. therefore, i was choosing this method because it is the safest.

clear, logical arguments might work.
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Old 04-16-2010, 08:39 AM
 
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I'm planning a uc when i have my next baby but not a up but then here you don't see the mw much anyway so it's not much of interference for me also i will be wanting my maternity grant to buy some washable nappies and couple of nice slings/wraps and the mw or dr. has to sign the form for this.
I'd just say everything is ok, i'm lucky in the fact that no one has ever asked how my antenatel care is going etc and as for the birth people will probably just assume i'm having a homebirth with a mw and this is what i will let them bellieve i'm actually going to book my homebirth with the mw so i at least can phone at last minuite and then say oops, as i'm not quite sure of the laws here plus if i get cold feet because i am very irrational person at times loll.
you seem to me a very informed person and very knowledgeable, you know you are doing whats best and i'm sure when baby is born all lovely, happy and healthy they will see this too.

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Old 04-16-2010, 08:24 PM
 
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It sounds like your mom is not going to be happy with your decision no matter how much research you give her.. perhaps it's time to set a boundary such as " I know you disagree, but this is what we have chosen. I think it would be better if we stop talking about this topic and just agree to disagree." Repeat as needed..
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Old 04-16-2010, 08:38 PM
 
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My only problem is that everyone and their mother on my DP's side keeps asking when I'm going to see the doctor and get a u/s so they know the gender. DP's grandmother wants to make a blanket so I can see why she's bugging us about it.
I had this problem even though I had a pretty standard hospital birth, just because we weren't finding out the gender! Some people thought it was cool, some were annoyed but understanding, but most people were downright TICKED OFF that I wasn't finding out boy or girl... for them. (One of my coworkers actually suggested that I have my doctor or nurse call her with the information, so that she could know even though *I* didn't want to! And she was serious.) Actually if I had known how many people would be annoyed by that decision, I'd have not-found-out just for that.

I guess this ramble is to point out that you can always just say that you aren't finding out the gender-- which is true and plenty of people don't even if they're having ultrasounds etc-- without mentioning that you aren't having u/s, doctors, or hospitals either.

P.S. My mom knitted a blanket in neutral tones. She brought it with her when she came to visit during DS's first week, and crocheted a blue border onto it. It's lovely.

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Old 04-17-2010, 05:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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at the end of the day, you just have to find a way to tell her where your boundary is. i told my parents when they brought up the "don't you want the baby to be healthy" line that it is my top priority, as well as my own health, and that is the basis for this decision. i explained how prenatal care doesn't create better outcomes (according to the statistics), and how hospital care and even midwifery can interfere and cause damage to mothers and infants. therefore, i was choosing this method because it is the safest.
Zoebird: Thank You! This is what I'm going to tell her the next time she brings it up...or anyone for that matter. Now for searching for those statistics as I know she'll want to see them for herself! Thanks!

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Old 04-17-2010, 06:59 PM
 
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Zoebird: Thank You! This is what I'm going to tell her the next time she brings it up...or anyone for that matter. Now for searching for those statistics as I know she'll want to see them for herself! Thanks!
You could also point out that putting a bunch of extra stress on the mom-to-be isn't in the baby's best interests, either. I'm astonished at how many people think that harassing a pregnant woman is good for the baby!

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Old 04-17-2010, 09:17 PM
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good call there, stormbride!

it is true that the pressure and stress is known to be unhealthy for the baby. and there are articles that assert that the 'scare tactics' of prenatal care, are actually detrimental. i can't remember the title of the article, though.

anyway, it's good to have a few one-liners.
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Old 04-18-2010, 05:31 PM
 
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This is what I had to do for my unsupportive family.

"Listen Mom, this is how I am taking care of me and my baby. I have done and am doing everything possible to have the safest and best prgy and birth I can. What you think or want is not my concern. If you can stand by me and support me in my decisions, then I really would like you around. But, if you are going to keep bringing up arguments or opposition, I will have to ask you to stay away from me until after the baby is here. I will NOT change my mind and any further negativity from you will only endanger OUR relationship. If it becomes necessary, I will stop answering phones, doors, and e-mails from you. The choice is totally yours on whether or not to be in my life at this time."


It is really hard to actually say things like this to some people. But, I think it is easier to just take a deep breath, close your eyes, and then just say it, get it over with, and then go on rather than have to fight constantly against it.

I have actually had a couple of good pressure free pgcies since I put my foot down. I just wish I had done it sooner.

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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Old 04-18-2010, 08:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My mom was at it again today. She showed up unannounced and at every opportunity in conversation she turned toward prenatal care. Apparently she called her OBGYN and asked her to recommend a midwife (apparently this is better than nothing). Her doc told her she couldn't do that but would like for me to come see her. She also said she wouldn't make me do any ultra sounds if I didn't want them. My mom tried to further encourage me to go to her because it is the same doctor my cousin had, althought she didn't bring up my cousin ending up with an epidural due to induction with BOTH children.

She also has been telling everyone that I dont have a doctor and who are their doctors? She said I need to start interviewing them because it took one of her friends six weeks to find the one she likes.

Finally I think she got the picture that I wasn't discussing it with her because I just smiled and nodded.

Here is something I typed up and will keep in my purse for the next time. I really dont trust myself to say this without it comming out wimpy sounding. What do you all think?

Thanks!


"Our top priority is a healthy baby, which is why I will not submit to prenatal testing and observation, however, I am getting prenatal care. Seeing a doctor for prenatal care does not create better outcomes for the mother or baby, and hospital care and midwifery interferes and can cause damage to infants and their mothers. We have chosen this method of care because it is the safest for both me and the baby.

I have not contracted an infection, nor am I diseased, there is nothing wrong with me. I am pregnant, as have been billions of women before me, and considering the population of the planet (beginning with two), it seems that the majority of women do not die and neither do their babies. Please do not insinuate that this is going to happen if I don’t seek medical treatment for pregnancy.

We have made our decision and it is not open for debate, but I do understand your concern. Just as you made your decisions for your pregnancies and births based on the information available to you, I am doing the same, however, the information I have available to me paints a much different picture. Below I have listed two well researched articles that will hopefully show you that picture. If you’re interested, I can help you obtain them. Below the articles are the guidelines I am following for a healthy pregnancy and baby. In addition to these things, I am doing a weekly Urinalysis (usually done monthly when seeing a physician) so I know if I need to seek medical treatment. I am also going to be seeing a chiropractor in the third trimester to prepare for birth, and may see someone for massage if needed.

I would very much appreciate your support in this, but if you are unable to provide that, I will not discuss it with you further. We have made our decision, and any opposition to that only causes stress, which is not conducive of a healthy pregnancy and baby."

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Old 04-18-2010, 10:07 PM
 
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A handy written response is a really good thing, but I think yours may be a bit wordy and have more info than you need. I, personally, would leave out what prenatal care I was getting, as it opens the doors for futher discussion and gets people involved in your medical dealings. Once you begin discussing your behaviour and/or actions, people begin to think they have the right to offer opinions.

I think I would say something more like this:

Quote:
"Our top priority is a healthy baby and mom, which is why my husband and I have made the choice to have alternative pre-natal care; this, will ensure we have the best and safest outcome as possible for both of us.

We have made our decisions regarding this care, and it is not open for debate. Though I understand your concerns regarding our choices, I expect you to respect our decisions on this matter. For these decisions were not made lightly but after much research, thought, and prayer. (I can provide you with some of the research if you are interested.)

I am not sick, nor have I contracted an infection, or a disease; there is nothing wrong with me. I am pregnant. And we are thrilled to be bringing a new life into this world and will do all within our power to ensure that that little life arrives with the utmost of care. I would very much appreciate your support in this, but if you are unable to provide that, I will not discuss it with you futher. We have made our final decision, and any opposition to that only causes me stress, which is not conducive of a healthy pregnancy and baby."
Anyways, that is more the way I would say it. Leaving out the reasoning behind your choices as well as your specific steps you are taking. Most people that are debating you are not interested in why you made your choices, just in changing your mind. And telling people the steps you are taking (especially when they do not realize that it is likely more than what an OB prenatal visit consists of) just opens the door to discussing it; along with giving them more room to try and convince you you are wrong.

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:16 AM
 
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If she says that woman was "blessed by God", then I would be quick to ask her why she thinks you aren't. I would point out that her hope seems to be in a doctor and not in Him. Remind her that Isaiah quoted God as saying this:

Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth?”
says the Lord;
“shall I, who cause to bring forth, shut the womb?”
says your God.

(http://www.esvstudybible.org/search?q=Isaiah+66%3A9)

Ask her if she believes that God would "bring you to the point of birth" and then make the baby not be born. And, remember, this is your and your husband's decision...not hers. You love her, you love that she cares about you, but she can't make your decisions for you. ((hugs))

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Old 04-19-2010, 05:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you Kidzaplenty and Jacksonmom. I really like what you both said, and will post what I come up with later.

I didn't realize anyone would even ask some of the questions I have been asked. I guess I should have expected it from my mom because she know's I've been anti-doctor/medical community for quite some time. She heard a commercial on TV about education and childbirth but only caught a snipit of it. She said maybe we should know less about it and let the doctors do their job instead of questioning everything they do to try to help us. I just stared at her. I didn't know what to say!!! What is wrong with learning and educating yourself? WOW!

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