DH wants to UC but I don't... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 06-07-2010, 04:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This is baby #3, first and second births were nice uncomplicated homebirths. DH doesn't see the point of paying a midwife to "do nothing" as has pretty much been the case at my births. I am perfectly happy to pay a midwife to do nothing except be there in case of complications or emergency. Unfortunately we are having trouble finding a midwife here that we both like, so I am feeling more pressured to consider a UC out of sheer necessity. And of course it would be a whole lot cheaper and that would be nice.

But I don't really feel comfortable with a UC. I don't want to feel responsible for knowing what to do if I hemorrhage, or if, God forbid, the baby needs to be rescuscitated (sp?). I'd really like to have the option of another waterbirth, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable waterbirthing without a midwife there because when my son was born in the water, he didn't cry and I could not tell if he was breathing ok or not. And this was like two months after I had taken a newborn rescuscitation class, so I don't feel like I'd be able to tell any better this time around in the absence of crying on the baby's part. If we did UC I have a friend who is a L&D nurse and she said she would come, so at least there would be someone there who's more familiar with emergencies than we are...but it's still not the same as having a trained homebirth midwife who can carry pitocin, oxygen, is familiar with a homebirth setting, etc. And I don't feel comfortable birthing without occasional heartrate checks...which is kind of silly as I had one heartrate check my first birth (midwife didn't get there til I was ready to push) and one my second birth, so it's not like I'm really into them...but I like the reassurance of knowing they're available I guess.

I don't really want to UP either, and I don't know if I'd have any other option if we did UC. I wouldn't have a problem with skipping some prenatals, or doing things myself, but I like having someone to talk to about birth.

So I guess the bottom line is that I really don't want to UC...but I feel like I should seriously consider it and really it might be the only option if DH and I can't agree on a midwife.
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#2 of 19 Old 06-07-2010, 06:11 PM
 
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I don't think it's a good idea to UC if you don't fully trust in yourself and believe that you can do it on your own. Personally for myself, all of your worries were nothing for myself. You can definately do research and find out as much as possible about certain things. You can also find some UC groups and talk to them. There is a freebirth group that meets monthly where I live. Maybe find one where you are, or even create one.

I think that if you are not fully into UCing, you will transfer at some point. You do not want to go into birth fearing what probably will not happen.

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#3 of 19 Old 06-07-2010, 06:18 PM
 
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that

Do you have a MW that you like enough that you could call and would come "in case"?
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#4 of 19 Old 06-07-2010, 06:29 PM
 
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I think that it is your call in the end. If you don't want to UC you shouldn't UC (just like if you didn't want to be in a hospital, you shouldn't be in a hospital, even if dh wants it)

Keep looking for the middle ground you're comfortable with.

-Angela
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#5 of 19 Old 06-07-2010, 06:47 PM
 
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Bottom line--birth is safest in the setting, and with the helpers, that help mom feel the most safe and relaxed. If you don't feel safe and relaxed w/uc, then I agree w/pp who said you'd probably end up transferring to hospital at some point.
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#6 of 19 Old 06-07-2010, 06:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The only midwife I like enough to call at this point is an apprentice and I don't think she'd be able to or take a chance on jepordizing (sp?) her getting licensed. I might be able to see if the midwife who was there when my son was born (who has since moved out of state) would be willing to be available for phone consultations.

It's not that I don't trust myself or the birthing process, it's basically worrying about PP complications. I'm not really worried about anything going wrong with the labor or birth itself. I just feel more comfortable knowing someone has my back if someone does goes wrong, KWIM?
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#7 of 19 Old 06-07-2010, 07:34 PM
 
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I think you should tell your husband that when he has a baby in his body and is planning how to birth it, then he will get to make the final decisions on that. Meanwhile, you should definitely not UC if you don't feel comfortable doing that. If you really can't find a midwife you both like, then the choice simply reverts back to who you like and want most to be there to help you through those little nitty gritty things that you would prefer to have help with.

Hopefully, your husband doesn't feel as strongly about this as it sounds and he is just trying to nudge you toward saving a little money, since he feels so extremely confident in your abilities to birth his child. I imagine that most husbands would be more than supportive once really, truly realizing how much this matters to you.

Actually, I can sort of imagine my DH suggesting such a thing (not this exact type of thing, but something else) in such a way that it sounded like he felt strongly about it, when he really didn't, just thought it might be a great idea. Honestly, I want a UC but it terrifies my DH, so I am going to try hard to respect his feelings on this, but ultimately, I get to decide. There have been times when I, with passion, made my husband understand certain things and he reacted with shock, not having had any idea I felt so strongly and expressing that he didn't actually feel so strongly about what I had thought was his position, either. (does that make sense?)

One other option might be to find a doula in your area who is currently training and apprenticing to be a midwife, if you would feel comfortable with that. I wouldn't suggest going that route unless you really didn't find a midwife you liked, but at least, you might have that extra person there with experience and knowledge to help you feel comfortable about the what-ifs and little messy things that you don't want to have to burden yourself with.

Best wishes!
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#8 of 19 Old 06-07-2010, 08:44 PM
 
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If you think the apprentice is experienced enough, and is able to attend, it might help both of you- she might not be paid for the birth, but you could be a continuity for her, if her preceptor is willing to be backup. I have done births that way- I explained to the parents, I couldn't be paid, but would be willing to do prenatals, and attend, and with someone to supervise, could have it counted toward my numbers. They were fine with it. We had a lovely birth...(actually a couple) I would talk about it, and see what could be worked out. I would not UC if I didn't feel comfortable, it could stall labor(though unlikely with a third- they usually fly out!) and when you feel safe, you dilate better....
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#9 of 19 Old 06-08-2010, 10:38 AM
 
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I had the same thoughts as your husband when I decided to UC. It didn't make sense for us to pay $4,000 to a midwife when I have such easy births. Anyway, whether you UC or not, it's always good to be educated about the process. I found Emergency Childbirth, Hearts and Hands, and Unassisted Childbirth to be very very helpful.

Stephanie + Dh= Super blessed parents to 1 ds, and 4 dds!
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#10 of 19 Old 06-08-2010, 11:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by cathicog View Post
If you think the apprentice is experienced enough, and is able to attend, it might help both of you- she might not be paid for the birth, but you could be a continuity for her, if her preceptor is willing to be backup. I have done births that way- I explained to the parents, I couldn't be paid, but would be willing to do prenatals, and attend, and with someone to supervise, could have it counted toward my numbers. They were fine with it. We had a lovely birth...(actually a couple) I would talk about it, and see what could be worked out. I would not UC if I didn't feel comfortable, it could stall labor(though unlikely with a third- they usually fly out!) and when you feel safe, you dilate better....
She is experienced enough and I will talk to her but it would have to be something she would do on her own, sort of under the radar so to speak. I know her preceptor well enough to know she would have nothing to do with it.

I talked with DH some more last night and I think I feel a little more comfortable with the idea of UC'ing (with my L&D nurse friend present) than I have before. I guess I'll do some more research on emergency measures and see how I feel after that. DH is pretty set on it and I don't really feel I have any other options.
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#11 of 19 Old 06-08-2010, 07:36 PM
 
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IMO moms should win in birth decisions. This goes double for UC. If you don't want to have one you shouldn't. Don't let him force you into something you're not comfortable with. Birth is usually safe and normal, but what if something does go wrong and you're only UCing because he coerced you? What would that do to your marriage? Sounds like some soul searching is in order, but in the end if you're not comfortable with having a UC then he needs to not whine about paying a midwife.

Laura, CBE and mom to Maddiewaterbirth.jpg ( 06/03/04) & Graceuc.jpg (  09/10/06)
 
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#12 of 19 Old 06-09-2010, 08:58 AM
 
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Your husband really should more seriously consider your feelings in this as you are the one who is going to labor and birth your baby. Although I see where he is coming from, because $4000-5000 is a lot of money and he sees that you had labors that went fine, the cost of a midwife is absolutely NOTHING and in my opinion a petty concern when it comes to how comfortable you feel in labor and you don't want to go into labor doing something you feel uncomfortable about. I hope he is able to see it from your perspective and that you don't go into a UC without really wanting to.
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#13 of 19 Old 06-09-2010, 01:27 PM
 
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Yes and yes to everyone above. My dd was a UC and it was exactly what I needed/where I was at for that pregnancy & birth. For my 2nd ds born a month ago I really intuitively felt like I wanted a mw there for some reason. I totally get the money issue as well, but it's so important for you to be comfortable with the situation.

Jfly-by-nursing1.gif, partner-in-crime to Dfamilybed2.gif, mama to run.gif4, including our brand new rainbow1284.gifbaby.gifmissing my 7-wk-er

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#14 of 19 Old 06-09-2010, 05:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think at this point we are tentatively planning a UC with my friend who is a L&D nurse there (well maybe that's not really a UC). But I just talked to a midwife today who has a house about an hour away that she spends some time at (the rest of the time she lives several hours away), and who might be at that house full time this fall. I like her a lot and I think DH would like her too so if she is here in the fall I'm going to hold out for hiring her. She said she's be willing to do some prenatals when she's around either way, and I think she'd probably be willing to be available by phone when I'm in labor if we do some prenatals with her...so that would make me a lot more comfortable with the idea of not having a midwife present.

Midwives aren't quite that expensive here fortunately, more like $2800. But still a lot of money when you don't have it.
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#15 of 19 Old 06-10-2010, 02:34 AM
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i think an attended birth is the way you want to go, and therefore that's the way ou "should" go.

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#16 of 19 Old 06-14-2010, 11:44 AM
 
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If you aren't comfortable with a UC, then you shouldn't do it. IMO

Angela lactivist.gif, married for 14 1/2 years to DHtwins.gif, mother to DD 8-5-97homeschool.gif, DS 8-5-09 uc.jpgbabyf.gif, and SURPRISE!!! pos.gif due 2-17-12

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#17 of 19 Old 06-19-2010, 01:33 AM
 
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I would always plan for an unexpected UC even if you have a midwife. you never know when they wont make it. the planning builds confidence so maybe just give yourself some time to research and plan and let it sink in. That helped me. I also had PP last stage of labor type fears and hypnobirth helps. my instructor did private fear release sessions with me and i never once had anxiety about any of it afterwards!! deal with your fears head on!

Angela: Catholic Homeschooling Mom to Sierra(11/00), twins Addison & Kendall(3/03), Jack(4/06), Brielle (7/08), Levi (2/2011); due with#7 (9/13). Birthed every witch way.....hospital. C section. VbAC. Unassisted water birth (hypno/painless). Assisted waterbirth to an almost 10lber! (Not painless!)
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#18 of 19 Old 06-25-2010, 02:37 PM
 
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I would always plan for an unexpected UC even if you have a midwife.

It doesn't hurt to educate yourself but knowing and being able to use your knowledge when problems arise are not the same.
Most likely there will be no problems during the birth but if they are, she'd rather have a medical professional to deal with them.
Yes, final decision is hers. Still there should be a way to do it without neglecting her husband feelings.

As pps said you can educate yourself and see how it feels after you have done your reading.
At the same time, you can talk and talk to your husband about the fear of dealing with complications. Tiny chance but can he take responsibility, how will he live with it if something goes wrong?
If it doesn't work, you can birth at home but go to the hospital/ call 911 immediately when things do not look right to you. The idea that you do not give up on medical assistance completely may help you to feel more at ease.
You could also look at some books about hypnosis. It can help you to deal with fears and teach how to relax when you need it, even block painful sensations.
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#19 of 19 Old 07-02-2010, 09:19 PM
 
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The only midwife I like enough to call at this point is an apprentice and I don't think she'd be able to or take a chance on jepordizing (sp?) her getting licensed. <snip>
It's not that I don't trust myself or the birthing process, it's basically worrying about PP complications.
I see that you have a tentative plan, but another idea might be to ask that apprentice if should would be interested in doing some postpartum doula-type care. I know technically doulas don't do anything medical, but that might help with the worry about risking licensure.

Laura, mama to J (15), N (12), E (9) , M (6), and our little caboose, R (3).
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