*sigh* I'm really at a loss. I'm about a month pregnant and not sure what to do for prenatal care or the birth. I was really unhappy last time with the extreme amount of prenatal care I was forced to have through a state licensed midwife, and didn't find her useful at all during the labor. All it did was stress me out to go to appointments all the time. but she was covered by insurance. I didn't like her all that much and I dont think she liked me either.
Im looking into other midwifes in the area just in case any would be able to offer a more hands off approach. but honestly I dont think we could afford one that wasnt covered by insurance anyway even if by some small chance we did find the kind of midwife we were looking for.
I wouldn't mind going to a couple prenatal visits at the doctors office, but I have an anxiety disorder and am scared to death of what they would say to me when they knew I wasnt getting regular prenatal care and that I didn't want to do most of the tests they would try to force on me. (like for instance the first dr. I saw for my last pregnancy dumped me after I told her I didn't want regular ultrasounds.)
- Is it possible to just schedule a couple prenatal appointments here and there when I feel like it with a Doctor, instead of being on schedule? do I have to be assigned one particular Dr.? or if I go the Dr. route do I have to go all the time on their schedule?
I want to try homebirth again even though my last labor ended up in a hospital transfer because I couldn't take the pain of transition. I'm still grappling with trying to figure out if it was because of the cytotec I was induced with illegally, or if I just wasnt *woman* enough to take the pain.
Besides the obvious reasons women have homebirths, Part of the reason I want to try to have a homebirth again is to prove to myself that I can actually do it.
After my first birth I felt so defeated and like such a failure for transferring and it still effects me on a regular basis. I was really hoping this time, things would go better because I wouldnt be induced with cytotec, so that I wouldn't have to transfer and then I could be emotionally healed. I know everyone told me I wasnt a failure but I dont think I will ever stop feeling like one until I can have a successful home birth.
-Is that a crazy reason for wanting to try homebirth again?
I might want to have an uncontrolled birth this time. Im worried I wont be able to find the type of care I want anyway so it seems like the only option I have left. Doing my own prenatal care too. but the problem with that idea is my husband isnt comfortable with it. even though he knows what happens now during birth. If I were to have a midwife for the labor, I would rather she just be On Call instead of HAVING to be there from the start like last time. just sitting there staring at me. ugh.
I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have any words of encouragement? thank you for taking time to read this and please just remember its a really sensitive subject for me.