I need to keep my mouth shut about having a UC! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 08-12-2010, 09:16 PM - Thread Starter
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So, I confided in a friend (I'm being very selective in who I share with because I KNOW people's reactions...as uninformed as they may be). Here is part of what she wrote to me in an email today. I need help responding, as I am too emotional about it right now.
I’ve thought a lot about risks as a parent...the risk of a vaccine vs. the risk of getting the disease. The risks of a HB vs. the risks of hospital birth. With each choice we’ve made we’ve had to ask ourselves if we’d be ok if one of the risks turned into a real problem because of the decision we made. So I want to encourage you to really think about the risks of what could go wrong if you birth without help, and to be sure that you’ll be able to be ok with the consequences, if anything were to go wrong. I also realize there’s just a risk in birth itself— there are no guarantees that everything will turn out well, no matter where you are.
I would guess that if anyone ever did a statistical study of the risks of a UC, the odds are probably in your favor that everything would turn out fine for mom and baby. But if something did go wrong, I hope that you would be able to get medical help to you quickly. I’m not sure how far you are from a hospital, but 40 min is a long way to the birth center if you’re in the middle of laboring or pushing and decide you need help. The one thing I keep thinking about is what if the cord is wrapped around the baby’s neck? I suppose you might know if you’re listening to the fetal heartbeat. I’m not an expert on this stuff so I don’t know how it works, but I just keep thinking, what if the baby has brain damage because of something like this? I really hope this wouldn’t happen, but if it does, are you ok with taking on that risk? I also keep thinking about you. What if you have a bad tear? Or even a minor one? Who sews you up?? My friend had her first baby come out with her fist up by her head and she tore badly. She had a relatively inexperienced hospital midwife sew her up, but it wasn’t done well. She ended up getting an abscess, and about a year later had to have surgery to re-do the botched sew up job. I doubt this happens much, but her story was so awful that it’s stuck in my head! I just want to be sure you don’t have [your husband] sew up something serious, only to have to have vaginal reconstructive surgery down the road And like the midwife said, what if you hemorrhage? Could an ambulance get to you quickly and would they be able to stop the bleeding quickly enough? All of these are awful situations that hopefully won’t happen, but if you do go the UC route, I just hope that you’ve got a back up system ready to go if needed.
I remember being SO upset when my doctor was encouraging me to induce with N (ended up not happening), but there were some fears about her rolling on her cord and they wanted her out. I remember DH saying to me something like— are you going to choose to go with your preferred birth experience and risk the health of our child? Of course the answer was no. I wanted a birth where no one put anything in me, but I also knew that I wasn’t willing to risk the health of our baby so I could birth exactly the way I wanted to. If you do end up deciding that the risks of a UC birth are too high, hopefully you’ll be able to see the birthing center as a positive place, which minimizes those risks rather than viewing it as a negative place where they might intervene. And I really hope they would respect your wishes and only intervene if absolutely necessary.
I really didn’t want to go to the hospital this second time, but at least at ours (which has a reputation for not being natural childbirth friendly) totally respected my written birth plan. A lot of it came down to my doctor too, who knew me, knew how I birthed, and just let me be. I actually had 2 really wonderful natural births at the hospital, so I’m coming at this from the perspective of someone who was left alone, but appreciated that the help was there if I needed it.
I hope that if you do end up at the birth center (or a hospital), that they will respect your birth plan. Hopefully your dh could do the sticking up for you if needed. And if you do end up there, I hope it’ll still be a good birth experience for you. In my opinion, the safe arrival of the baby is the most important thing and the dream birth experience is secondary. I hope you get both of these things wherever you end up having your baby. And if you do decide that you’re prepared and ready to accept the risks of a UC, I will be praying fervently for you and the baby! I’ll pray fervently for you if you end up at the birth center too

Thanks for letting me say all of this. As with the midwife and all of your friends who’ve made comments or given you strange looks, we care about you and your family and don’t want you to get into a situation that might have been avoided if someone who is trained in birth had been there.
I have so many thoughts going through my mind. I *thought* she was so educated on how non-intervention HBs are so much safer, but she is coming with so much fear, and such an "allopathic, mainstream is best" mentality. Not at all what I thought she was. Of course, I've learned my lesson and will keep my mouth SHUT from now on, but how would you respond to this? There are so many false statements, I don't even know where to begin!

Sarah, married to my Hot Contractor
Mommy to S since 01/07, W since 01/09, and S since 01/11.
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#2 of 9 Old 08-12-2010, 09:34 PM
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Honestly, it sounds to me like she is very concerned and doing her best to be a good friend to you while still expresding her concerns. There is normal misinformation there, but i wouldn't go line by line debunking it. A simple reply that you appreciate her concern, you've educated yourself about the risks, and you're hsppy to share research w her if she would like should be plenty.

I honestly think you are taking more offense than necessary here. If you want to reassure her, tell her how far the closest hospital is, what your plans for tears or pph are, etc., that's up to you, but in the field of responses i've seen, this one seems incredibly mild. I've seen more heated opposition to hbmw.

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#3 of 9 Old 08-12-2010, 11:31 PM
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I agree, I think you are taking more offense than necessary.

She sounds concerned, but not attacking or being totally unreasonable. Sounds to me like she would prefer you to not have a UC, and she is pointing out things you should think about before commiting to it. I agree with most of what she says, her questions she asks, her thoughts she put down. Those were all things I considered before making my final decision to UC.

Like PP, I think you should carefully take it line by line and go over her concerns (since she is your friend and you did choose to bring her into your confidences about UCing) and just let her know that you have thought of the same things and perhaps let her know your plans in each instance. Maybe that would calm her fears and then she could be supportive for you, even if not completely in agreement.

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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#4 of 9 Old 08-13-2010, 12:17 AM
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i agree with pp's.

she should know that the decision to UC includes an incredible amount of research and soul-searching; that you have weighed the risks carefully against the (great many!) benefits, are prepared to deal with whatever may happen, and of course you have an emergency back-up plan! of course the safe arrival of the baby is more important than the "dream delivery". UC'ers have everyone's best interest in mind; she is misled about risks, at least outcome-wise. give her your research, discuss it with her. it's okay if you need to take a few days to cool off about this before responding.

i have recently presented my decision to UC to my nurse mother and a nurse friend; both are natural/HB friendly, but both needed some extra reassurance. honestly, their opinions don't affect my decision in the long run (as i had already done my research and was totally confident by then), but i wanted them to be aware and understanding (or at least respectful) of my plans.

are you on the bornfree forum? that place has been so awesome in boosting my confidence and really cements my decision.

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#5 of 9 Old 08-13-2010, 01:14 PM
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From the e-mail she sounds like a great friend who is trying to express her concerns without being offensive. I don't think you should be angry at her. You should expect this and worse from the majority of people. UC'ing is considered "extreme" by almost every person I know, they have no experience with it.

If you have the energy to, you can direct her to all the information you have and suggest she read it thoroughly, then come back to you for a discussion. If she is truly concerned about the things she mentions, the progressive thing for her to do would be to educate herself on the topic, instead of throwing trite advice at you, because that implies that she doesn't think you have educated yourself.
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#6 of 9 Old 08-13-2010, 04:17 PM
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I agree with the others..

My mom who had 3 UCs freaked out when I mentioned the possibility of just staying home instead of going to the hopsital (can't HB here). There's alot of fear behind the idea. I'd just go through her email and pick out the things that seem important and do your best to explain why its a non-issue. Hopefully that'll alievate her worries some.

I've only told a handful of friends what I"m planning 4 to be exact and only have one more that I plan to talk to.. One hasn't said anything about it, another one offered to teach me and DF neonatal resusitation, and the other 2 are excited to hear about it but they're the 2 "natural" minded ones though and not exactly "close" friends. My best friends I haven't yet nor will i mention it too. I don't think they'd be surprised but I don't think they'd be supportive at all either so its easier to say that baby just came too quickly. just my opinion/experience.

Good luck in what you decide to do but I'd try to not take too much offense she just sounds concerned.

Jade, momma to Ariana 5/23/06 and Trystan 9/28/10
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#7 of 9 Old 08-13-2010, 06:52 PM
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I would answer her questions about your "just in case" plans. She does seem truly concerned. I have only told my roommates about my plans. Everyone else thinks I'm still having a midwife attended homebirth. I really hate the lies, but my family would disown us and/or call CPS.
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#8 of 9 Old 08-14-2010, 02:27 PM
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I dont blame you for being upset, it upset me when I first read it too. But now after reading the others reply's, they are right, she just cares about you. It is incredibly frustrating though how much misinformation is there. It really upsets me when people say things like "Have you thought about how you will feel if something goes wrong?" Umm, ya think??? OBVIOUSLY we've all asked ourselves that a million times. And the whole "The baby is more important than the experience." Again, ya think?? As if we choose to UC without regards to our BABY'S!!! Sorry, had to rant. I'm guessing you feel the same way as me with regards to what she wrote, so I'd wait a few days and cool off and think about it before replying.
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#9 of 9 Old 08-14-2010, 02:29 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks, mamas. I needed to hear this, and be reminded not to take offense so much. I do think she has good intentions, but is just not informed. I'll share my thoughts and responses to her questions kindly.

Sarah, married to my Hot Contractor
Mommy to S since 01/07, W since 01/09, and S since 01/11.
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