Would you consider an "oops" UC if DH was against it - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 12-11-2010, 08:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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and your only other option was a c-section?

 

I am 8 weeks pg and like to know my options.  My first 2 births were vag, the last one of which was 5 hrs total, 3 hrs from real pain to birth, inc 11 min pushing.   My last baby was c-section due to stubborn transverse position.  I live where vbac is frowned on and due to circumstances don't believe I am going to be able to find a vbac doctor that will take me.  I have found a midwife that will but she is 3 hrs away in another state and DH is probably going to refuse to go with her.  Not only based on the time issue but we would also have to pay out of pocket for her.

 

My DH and my mother have found the one thing they can back each other up on - no midwife and if it has to be a c-section, oh well, we will take care of you.  Thanks, but I did the c-section before and am not a fan of that option.  I dream of going into labor at night, using hypnobirthing and my large tub to quietly get through labor and birth my child while Dh is deep in sleep.  Any chance of that? FYI, DH will call an ambulance on me if he thinks I am near delivering. (we are 1 hr from the closest birthing hospital)  He is not "in" to birth at all.  My oldest DC is my 16 year old dd.  She would gladly help with a uc but I don't want to feel like I am going behind DH's back enough to actually plan that.  I have no reservation about my ability to uc.

 

Just trying to work through the moral issues, wanting the best outcome for all.  So, would you even consider it or would you suck it up and plan major surgery?


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#2 of 21 Old 12-12-2010, 07:47 AM
 
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It sounds too risky to me to go behind his back because you know he'll call an ambulance if he finds out.  He might not be "into birth" but he is into you, and if you can sit down with him and discuss your feelings around being cut open then he might acknowledge how much you don't want to have that happen again.  I would think it would be much easier for a man to grasp how a woman would be against major surgery even if he doesn't understand much about birth.  If you can help him see this and then share with him your thoughts and feelings around giving birth unassisted then he might start to understand where you're coming from.  If it were me, I know I'd target the issue of not wanting to be cut open again first and foremost, and if he seems receptive and understanding of that then I'd tiptoe further into UC.  If he sees how opposed you are to going to the hospital then he will more than likely try to work with you so that you can have the birth you want/need.  If he still won't be collaborative then, if I were in your shoes, I'd tell him that I'm going to go check into a hotel around my due date so that I won't be disturbed (or another location that he won't be able to find you at).  That will help him see that you're serious and if he wants to support you then he needs to bend a little. 

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#3 of 21 Old 12-12-2010, 08:11 AM
 
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The one thing that seems missing from this narrative is that you're an adult with the legal right to refuse medical procedures you don't want to be subjected to. You should sit DH down and tell him a planned c-section is off the table, period, and you're going to keep looking for a midwife or other provider of your choice to VBAC with. That said, there's no way I would try for a stealth UC with a partner who would call an ambulance on me in the middle of it- that seems like the most harmful and unsafe birthing scenario I can imagine.

 

That's really nice that your DH and mom want to take care of you if you need to have a c-section, but that is NOT in ANY way a reason for someone who doesn't want one to have one!!!

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#4 of 21 Old 12-12-2010, 10:36 AM
 
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I certainly wouldn't try to do it behind DH's back, but i would make it perfectly clear to him that an elective c-section is absolutely not going to happen.

 

I don't live in a terribly VBAC friendly area, though it's better than yours, and I hope my next pregnancy will be a homebirth with a midwife. I lurk here because I fear that that won't happen, and thus I want to know about UC. Anyways, my plan, should I not be able to find a midwife, would be to eschew medical care after 20 weeks (I'd do my own prenatals) and show up at the hospital ready to push, or just stay home if I'm comfortable with that.

 

In short, "oopsing" the doctors=not a bad idea, "oopsing" the husband not so solid.


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#5 of 21 Old 12-12-2010, 11:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You are all right, of course.  The game plan for now is to make it clear that a c-section for no reason is not an option and that I am going to stay home as long as possible.  If as long as possible means delivering at home, so be it.  I am going to quietly prepare for a UC, letting him know but not argue about it.  I am not going let my mother know at all.  I will have some OB "care" just enough to keep them happy and off my back about it.  Thanks for you comments and suggestions. 


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#6 of 21 Old 12-12-2010, 12:37 PM
 
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If you are in the south, are you close enough to consider birthing at The Farm? I know some women end up traveling there and staying for a few weeks just to ensure they can have a midwife-attended birth. Another option to consider, perhaps...

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#7 of 21 Old 12-12-2010, 04:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by la mamita View Post

If you are in the south, are you close enough to consider birthing at The Farm? I know some women end up traveling there and staying for a few weeks just to ensure they can have a midwife-attended birth. Another option to consider, perhaps...



That's a good idea.

 

Keep your ear to the ground for a midwife (provided that's a compromise you can both live with) there might be someone closer that you haven't found. Did you try FYT, or contacting local doulas or CBEs? Even the 3hrs away MW, if your husband sees that you have decided not to birth in a hospital if it means automatic c/s, might end up being a compromise. I'm not sure that UCing behind a partner's back (at least behind the back of a partner you intend to keep) is a good idea, but trying to force a VBAC in an extremely anti-VBAC hospital might not work out well for you. Maybe a FSBC? If you are willing to travel an hour to the hospital, is there one anywhere near you?


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#8 of 21 Old 12-14-2010, 07:10 AM
 
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I wouldn't purposely UC. He was against a UC for my last birth, we settled on hiring a MW just for the birth. I did no prenatals, she was just going to hang out downstairs for the birth, just in case. This was all for DH. The MW was 1.5 hours away in the mountains, and it was spring, she often had clients 4 hours from where I lived. I went into it knowing there was a chance she wouldn't make it. I guess I choose not to point out what I thought was the obvious to DH. Ironically I went into labor while she was 15 minutes away, I let her know what was happening, said I would call back when things picked up more. My contractions were all over the place, I called back a couple hours (DS's labor was 4 hours long), and said maybe she could head up soon, not to rush though. He was born about 10 minutes later, needless to say the MW was not here.  It wasn't purposely planned that way, but just worked out so. I will say that DH freaked out, I was trying to get out a large posterior baby with sticky shoulders all while telling DH I was fine and he did not need to call 911, not the easiest thing to do. To this day, DH still ranks DS's birth day as the worst day of his entire life. 

 

 

My neighbor had a previous homebirth and then moved to this more rural area, 20 minutes from the only hospital was too far for her hubby (see and I consider that so close!), she was basically forced into planning a hospital birth but secretly planned a UC. Her DH watched her like a hawk, she had also hoped to go into labor at night or while her Dh was away. It didn't work out that way, and when she did go into labor, it wasn't long before he guessed what was going on despite her trying to hide it and literally dragged her to the car to go the hospital. 

 

I agree with trying to find some middle ground. Good luck. 


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#9 of 21 Old 12-14-2010, 09:29 AM
 
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As important as birth is- and it is!- my relationship with my DH is more important. I wouldn't UC if he were vehemently against it.


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#10 of 21 Old 12-14-2010, 12:54 PM
 
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I'd rather u/c than show up ready to push.  I did that with my last baby (showed up ready to push) and they still managed to ruin my birth.  They wouldn't give me the baby when he was born, they aggressively "massaged" my uterus to expel the placenta, spoke harshly to me, and left me feeling empty and depressed. 

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#11 of 21 Old 12-14-2010, 06:23 PM
 
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well I wouldn't UC without his knowledge but  I would tell him exactly what you want and say that you would love for him to be involved.  there is plenty of time for him to get use to the idea and get some knowledge about what he could do. 


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#12 of 21 Old 12-16-2010, 09:49 AM
 
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I agree with the tactic of planning to go to a hotel or somewhere like that around the time of birth, if you are comfortable UCing.  This really would be a deal-breaker for me.  Your DH is refusing to acknowledge YOUR feelings about YOUR birth.  I would have a huge problem staying with a partner who believes it is ok to try to control decisions I make about my own body and medical care.

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#13 of 21 Old 12-18-2010, 07:15 PM
 
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After reading the first sentence, my answer was "definitely"

 

After reading the rest, and seeing how far your DH would go to get you to the hospital, I would say talk to him. have someone else talk to him(a natural childbirth educator?) But you have to help him understand WHY you don't want to have another section. Birth is NOT just about a healthy baby. Its about YOU giving birth to the baby. This is the most feminine thing you can do, and it looks like that is important to you.

 

That said, my DH used to be against homebirth (even though he himself was born at home!) I spent the second half of my pregnancy with DS talking to DH about it, and dreaming about an OOPS UC, and ended up with an OK hospital w/MW birth. I still want my UC, and I've been talking to DH about it. DS is 18months old, and so far, DH has only been able to agree to a birth center birth(which doesn't seem too difficult to turn into a homebirth, and if I can find the right hands-off midwife, fine. But if not, I will UC, and it might even have to be an "oops"

 

BUT, don't be mad at your DH, he thinks he is doing the best for you. You just have to explain to him how calling the ambulance, or having a repeat C is NOT the best thing for you.

 

Wishing you luck! 


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#14 of 21 Old 12-20-2010, 01:50 AM
 
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I totally understand your dilemma.  I have a husband that was totally against having a homebirth.  But after having a hospital birth w/mw with our first, hospital birth w/o mw with second, our third was a home birth and was great.  With our second, he pretty much dragged me to the car after I checked myself into a hotel and we had our baby in about 15min of arriving at the hospital- an awful demoralizing 15 min of demaning my rights and a horrible tear. 

If I could do it again, I would bring a friend to help me, stay at the hotel, and just call him when I knew the baby was coming out. 

My hotel was literally across the road from the hospital.


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#15 of 21 Old 12-21-2010, 11:09 AM
 
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I'm about halfway with my first... we're doing the OB care route.  I have become really interested in homebirth and the initial feeling in our household was "well let's just do it in a hospital this time."

(for safety).

 

Since, we've watched a lot and read a lot together and DH has come around to the fact that hospitals are not particularly more safe, and that the chance of intervention there is higher than it should be.

 

However, I don't feel like paying for and working with a midwife.  I have worked with DH for coming on 10 years, and we're committed to working together, with him as my birth partner.  I am a yoga teacher and work regularly with muscle relaxation, different positions, guided relaxation, etc.

 

So... after a few months of talking about stuff while thinking it would be in a hospital (birth center) setting, I brought up the idea of UCing or just being prepared for such a situation as we're 20 minutes from the hospital and we had already agreed to stay home till at least 2 min between surges, 1 min long at least in length.

 

DH was surprisingly not opposed to getting prepared for such an event.  Since then, he's sort of talked about it in company and i've gotten shot down (of course) and so I asked him gently to keep that stuff between us.  He still wants to do it in the hospital and I really want to UC but I think we've come to a place of mutual respect.  I'm not opposed to going to the hospital and he's not opposed to staying home if everything is going really well.  If our communication is good.  If my tolerance and techniques are working well.

 

Anyway, you've been through this before so you're totally in a different boat.  I just wanted to share how my initially opposed DH has come around, a little bit.  I consider the not ruling things out position to be a real compromise between us and feel very thankful he wants to read up on and prepare for an oops then play it by ear.

 

good luck!!


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#16 of 21 Old 12-22-2010, 02:24 PM
 
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Anna, glad to hear you and your DH are working together.  I think that is truly ideal. 

From my perspective, my DH and I are truly at odds and agree to disagree.  I think, for us, we have decided to make separate decisions in this area and respect each other's opinions.  It is only after having four babies now that he came to this stance. 

It is truly unideal, and could be a recipe for disaster, to be in labor with a husband who does not support your plans.  That's why my #2 labor fell through.  So, I think it best to either be willing to have an unideal birth, or to be willing to disagree.  My fear was that if something did go wrong he would blame me.  Our relationship wasn't strong enough at that time to withstand such a disagreement.  But if you truly disagree and can't resolve that disagreement, someone has to give in in some way.  In my opinion it should be the husband, esp. if he does no research, reading, or classes to form a well educated opinion.  No labor goes well based off of fear.


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#17 of 21 Old 12-31-2010, 10:13 AM
 
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I can't even put myself in this position in my head.  If my husband had "refused" to see a MW I chose, or told me what to do in relation to my birth, I'd have laughed out loud.  I'd have thought he was kidding.  Seriously, dude?  Hopefully he'll come to his senses and realize that this is YOUR body, not his.  


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#18 of 21 Old 12-31-2010, 12:01 PM
 
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Talk to him... You are 8 weeks now... There is still plenty of time to open up a dialog to work on slowly...  My DH was very against my first UC, he was raised very pro doctor...  people have no instincts, Dr's are god and know all kinda thing... So not me!   Over the years I have broke him, and brought him with me to the other side... lol.  But my first UC took a lot of discussion, some arguing, a little force of hand, a lot of research, and a lot of facts.  At one point it even came down to; "This is what I am doing, and if you call an ambulance I will file for divorce before I leave the hospital."  Fortunately it didn't come down to that, and we eventually got to the bottom of DH's fears and concerns and found a solution we could all live with.  I consulted with a midwife, who knew my plans and wishes, but agreed to be "on call" in the event that I felt I needed her.  We had someone there for an extra set of hands because DH was afraid that he wouldn't be able to handle it, and I may not be able to do it alone, and we discussed under what terms I would agree to transport if needed.  

 

Admittedly DH was a wreck the entire time, spent most of his time in the kitchen eating ice cream, and stressed me out a bit, although not as much as being in the hospital.  His mother (my extra set of hands) sat on the end of the bed talking incessantly while I watched a movie, and crocheted...  It is all actually kind of funny looking back now, it was like a scene from a bad comedy movie.  And all in all it was great experience, and my second UC was so much more calm and peaceful fortunately than my first...


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#19 of 21 Old 01-01-2011, 04:40 AM
 
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I can not even really imagine my DH telling me what to do with my birthing body.  There needs to be at least that much respect.  However, I see hear time and time again of women who want to UC but are unsupported by DH.  I totally agree with the hotel room idea.  Just be like, ' look, i know you're scared/hesitant about this unassisted thing, but this is my body and here's what I'm going to do with it.  If you want to be a part of this, awesome!  If not, I can get myself a hotel room"  It's 2011 and unless you happen to be a member of one of the religious faiths where this isn't so much true, your body belongs to you and not your DH.  I think you should try to get him on board if you can, and the major surgery route might be the best way of getting through to a guy..... not to mention that the c-section rates in this country are astronomical! and even larger with a previous c/s.  What info has he been exposed to?  has he ever watched any of the docs? like business of being born? or pregnant in america?  there's also a really good book titled "birth as an american right of passage" and it details the hospital interventions and the reasons for them...... much like bobb but book not doc.  Anyhow....good luck! <3

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#20 of 21 Old 01-01-2011, 05:01 AM
 
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I would really talk to him. What is he worried about? Is he worried about your safety and the baby's safety? Maybe he doesn't have such a rosey view of birth after you having a medically needed c-section last time. That can really blow a person's 'trust' in birth out of the water. 

 

Personally, my body is mine. But my baby is mine AND my husband's, and I feel like he does have a voice in pregnancy and birth decisions, as they affect the child we share. I would not do something he was totally against if his reasons were things like concern for safety. I would provide him with good information and I would talk patiently with him.

 

Ultimately, if it came down to it, I would let myself go into labor, quietly ride it out at home for a while, and then go to a hospital immediately before pushing. 

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#21 of 21 Old 01-15-2011, 05:12 AM
 
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If I couldn't get support from my partner on something I really strongly wanted and believed in, I would consider a new man. My birth experience is a critical part of my life and my womanhood on this earth, and I wouldn't let some man's opinions control it or take it away. If a man really loves and cares for you, they won't stop you from doing something important, doing something you HAVE to do.

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