How to labor at home without anxiety... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 26 Old 02-15-2011, 09:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I need to be able to get into "the zone" but having anxiety issues.  The plan is to go the hospital when I'm in transition/pushing.  I've been open with my husband that, yes, if I had an "oops" (and it really would be, I'm not secretly planning a UC), that would make me very happy and it's really what I want.  I'm only going to the hospital because my homebirth plans went down the drain and DH is not comfortable with a UC.  But I don't know how I'm going to feel when I'm in labor, will I even be able to focus knowing I have to go when I feel it's time?  How do I get rid of this anxiety...as I'm writing my hospital birth plan all I can think is THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT I HATE THIS!!  I've had two fairly easy, short, uncomplicated natural births, but I've never labored at home or without an IV (I'm declining abx this time).  So any tips?  Maybe from someone who has had a hospital birth and then UC'd and can describe how different it felt to labor at home...I will have a good doula while I'm home btw.  I guess I'm mostly struggling with accepting a less than ideal birth plan, if I can't accept it, I don't know how I will be able to relax and let labor happen. 


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#2 of 26 Old 02-15-2011, 10:18 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lovebeingamomma View Post

I need to be able to get into "the zone" but having anxiety issues.  The plan is to go the hospital when I'm in transition/pushing.  I've been open with my husband that, yes, if I had an "oops" (and it really would be, I'm not secretly planning a UC), that would make me very happy and it's really what I want.  I'm only going to the hospital because my homebirth plans went down the drain and DH is not comfortable with a UC.  But I don't know how I'm going to feel when I'm in labor, will I even be able to focus knowing I have to go when I feel it's time?  How do I get rid of this anxiety...as I'm writing my hospital birth plan all I can think is THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT I HATE THIS!!  I've had two fairly easy, short, uncomplicated natural births, but I've never labored at home or without an IV (I'm declining abx this time).  So any tips?  Maybe from someone who has had a hospital birth and then UC'd and can describe how different it felt to labor at home...I will have a good doula while I'm home btw.  I guess I'm mostly struggling with accepting a less than ideal birth plan, if I can't accept it, I don't know how I will be able to relax and let labor happen. 


I think that your frame of mind-- the anxiousness you're feeling-- is due partly to your not really believing very fully that your birth can be managed by you. Those of us who have or intend to fully UC have come to a point where we have a belief in the process and have alleviated either all or most of those anxieties and fears. My concern for you is that your lingering anxiety over the act of birthing itself will make for a much more difficult transition stage when you are entering a hospital. Your body may not respond well in those conditions. My worry for you is that this will catapult you from what will probably already be not a very calm or pain-free state into a much more agitated or even very pained state. I wouldn't want you to have to feel that-- not at all.

 

It sounds like you believe in UC when nature takes its course, but you don't believe in it when it's intentional. I find that this is a feeling shared by many birth professionals. You can handle a "crisis" or birth on an emergency basis and believe that all will probably work out for the best (because it can and typically will!), but you aren't comfortable putting yourself in the position to allow that outcome to occur as a result of your conscious choice to UC. I would ask those who feel that way to look at that sort of contradiction and wonder why it's seemingly safer accidentally than on purpose? I think if you could see yourself being happiest with a particular outcome, striving for that outcome seems like something worth considering or examining more closely. :) I mean, if there is that part of you that believes that would work out for the best by accident, why would knowing what you are doing and taking responsibility for it give you any less of a good result? :) Perhaps it stems from our desire to seem more responsible in the socially accepted sense? Most people can't fault accidental UCs and have a sense of peace about it, but can't find that same peace if they have to intentionally take credit for it. That peace still deserves a place, however.

 

Oh, I just read the part about your homebirth plans going down the drain. What happened? Obviously you don't seem too worried as far as the actual labor aspect is concerned, so what about the delivery has you worried? I mean, if you can picture a nice oops UC, that still seems like it could be an option somehow... ? But I understand that your husband is not comfortable and this certainly changes the dynamic. It would be great if there was some way that you and he both felt confident enough that it was a real possibility. Maybe reading up on some of the more inspiring books about it could relieve your fears?

 

In relieving your own anxiety for whatever portion of the birth you try to do some UCing, I really do think knowledge is power. Reading is so essential for these matters. For practical purposes, Emergency Childbirth: A Manual will give you much needed confidence. I know you're a doula so maybe you're already well versed in that. If not, I highly recommend it! Great read, and everyone should have that whether they intend to UC or not (just in case). For inspiration with good back-up facts on the physiology of birth, The Power of Pleasurable Childbirth is a good read that will instill confidence in your ability to handle this, I believe. Well, it makes ME feel good, so I hope it would make you feel good, too. But there are a ton of great books out there that would really help you shake some of those fears.

 

And ideally, husbands should be reading whatever we're reading, because it would only help them understand this whole situation better, and our bodies and our emotions in this as well. Good for empathy and intellect, both.

 

The birth plan usually goes out the window, I'm afraid. As a doula, what do you think about this? Do you tend to agree? I have found it to be true and most moms seem to agree with that. Sometimes attendants do not even read it. The hospital staff is busy and birth plans can be long and detailed, and in the eyes of the staff, maybe even unrealistic. They have a job to perform and can hardly let our wishes get in the way of that. I understand your fears or concerns over your admittance to the hospital.

 

I think as an experienced home birther yourself, there probably isn't really a whole lot I could tell you that you don't already know or suspect... so if you have those nagging feelings of what is right and wrong for you, and what you do and don't want, listen to those carefully and try to honor them. Don't subject you or the baby to anything you feel would end up being actually detrimental to your well being or good, successful, happy laboring in the end. I have been in the hospital and I have been at home (no UC yet-- working on that) and as far as physical peace went, the hospital took away my sensation and I didn't feel much. The downside was that trickled into lots of other issues and complications there and thereafter. Things I had in my birth plan were just nixed. The home birth when I was fearful and unsure was physically worse felt, and emotionally quite taxing and traumatizing, but I suppose in the physical and emotional senses it was far healthier in the end. It's hard to deny the nonmedical birth benefits compared to the medical, no matter how much it shook my world otherwise. My birth plan was still gone, though. So weighing the hospital against home birth is a tricky situation, because they both have their serious ups and downs-- which all vary by individual and experience. :/ I have come to conclude that neither will achieve the peace of UC-- both physically AND emotionally, for mother and child. But, only if you feel capable and ready. If you're on the fence about all of it, something somewhere has to be conquered and reconciled to give you the best experience you can possibly achieve. I wouldn't want you to feel lukewarm or dissatisfied with any choice you made on this.

 

You say you don't know how you can relax and let labor happen... what do you see as your biggest obstacle to this? I guess what I'm asking is, what are you afraid of (specifically)? Pain? Something wrong with the baby?

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#3 of 26 Old 02-15-2011, 10:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you for your thoughtful post I'll try to remember what I wanted to respond to...

 

to clarify I have never birthed at home, I've had two natural hospital births.  Writing the birth plan is more of an acceptance of what's to come then for the hospital staff- as I agree as a doula, birth plans usually go out the window.  So as I'm writing things down I'm feeilng, this is a battle!  I'm getting ready for a war!  Ridiculous right, not a state of mind I want to be in.  My fear over letting go in labor is purely the hospital part, I want to just relax, and know that I'm in a safe place, instead of feeling like I have to be on guard to know when I should go and then make a mad dash to the hospital.  I know that planned UC vs. "emergency" UC is obviously far safer, and you're right, it's just the social aspect that makes me feel better about having an "accident" vs. having to accept responsibility for it being planned.  Believe me though, I'm soo ready to jump on the UC train and start my research, but I can't do with without my husbands support, and he has made it clear that he's not comfortable with it.  I was planning a homebirth but my only option is with someone who I'm not comfortable with, we don't agree on birth philosophy so it's not going to work.  I don't know what to do, don't know how to rid myself of these negative feelings.  There's also a whole other aspect of this, like this was a surprise pregnancy after two consecutive m/c's, and I had come to a place of peace that I just wasn't going to have any more kids, and then I got thrown for a loop, and I honestly have not wanted this pregnancy 90% of the time.  I'm slowly starting to feel like I can love this baby, I mean I know I can...but this pregnancy is just so different from other planned ones, full of depressive feelings, and the strong urge to do NOTHING, no pre-natal care, UC...I don't know why.  I'm having anxiety today thinking about having to go back for an apt, even though I have a midwife that I love and who completely supports me in everything I want, laboring at home, declining all tests etc.  I'm so lost :(


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#4 of 26 Old 02-15-2011, 11:32 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lovebeingamomma View Post

thank you for your thoughtful post I'll try to remember what I wanted to respond to...

 

to clarify I have never birthed at home, I've had two natural hospital births.  Writing the birth plan is more of an acceptance of what's to come then for the hospital staff- as I agree as a doula, birth plans usually go out the window.  So as I'm writing things down I'm feeilng, this is a battle!  I'm getting ready for a war!  Ridiculous right, not a state of mind I want to be in.  My fear over letting go in labor is purely the hospital part, I want to just relax, and know that I'm in a safe place, instead of feeling like I have to be on guard to know when I should go and then make a mad dash to the hospital.  I know that planned UC vs. "emergency" UC is obviously far safer, and you're right, it's just the social aspect that makes me feel better about having an "accident" vs. having to accept responsibility for it being planned.  Believe me though, I'm soo ready to jump on the UC train and start my research, but I can't do with without my husbands support, and he has made it clear that he's not comfortable with it.  I was planning a homebirth but my only option is with someone who I'm not comfortable with, we don't agree on birth philosophy so it's not going to work.  I don't know what to do, don't know how to rid myself of these negative feelings.  There's also a whole other aspect of this, like this was a surprise pregnancy after two consecutive m/c's, and I had come to a place of peace that I just wasn't going to have any more kids, and then I got thrown for a loop, and I honestly have not wanted this pregnancy 90% of the time.  I'm slowly starting to feel like I can love this baby, I mean I know I can...but this pregnancy is just so different from other planned ones, full of depressive feelings, and the strong urge to do NOTHING, no pre-natal care, UC...I don't know why.  I'm having anxiety today thinking about having to go back for an apt, even though I have a midwife that I love and who completely supports me in everything I want, laboring at home, declining all tests etc.  I'm so lost :(


Oops, sorry-- I misunderstood about your previous experiences! :)

 

I'm so sorry that you feel you are preparing for a war. In a way this is quite strong of you and in many senses quite realistic, but isn't it a shame that it has to be that way? Ideally, doing what you can to prepare for your birth should not be wrought with this sort of difficulty.

 

Unfortunately letting go of fear in a hospital is difficult. Birthing is primal, and regardless of what we intellectually know or understand, our fear response can take over on the biological front in that setting no matter what our intentions. Even if we believe consciously that we have nothing to fear, are in good hands, and are perfectly safe, the subconscious parts of us recognize potential "threats", or "intrusions", and this can compromise the calm of even the most meditative and logical minds during labor. This results in us either submitting to the drugs to achieve physical numbing (which can make us feel calmer, emotionally, too, and end any torment we may be going through-- or "numb" emotionally, depending); or letting ourselves become extremely physically and emotionally distraught in hospital with no relief, but the satisfaction of knowing we tried our best and did not let the ill effects of drugs enter the picture (and those people deserve a medal for bravery, because that's asking almost too much of ourselves).

 

You're right that this would be excessively hard (and maybe perhaps, consequently, not-achievable anyway) without your husband's support. I really wish that there was some way you could impart on him any of the wisdom or knowledge you may be gaining on UC or will in the near future, because I do believe that when we re-learn what birth is on a very honest and factual level, it removes those doubts and fears. That does usually mean forgetting every myth you've ever learned about birth-- which puts you outside the mainstream in philosophy, which will be challenging for many. But, a lot of the truth ends up being common sense, which makes so much of it very easy to swallow so long as we are open minded in listening.

 

A new concern I have for you is that going into the hospital compromises your peace, and to regain some peace would almost certainly require drugs (I know you've gone natural before but obviously it was not ideal for you), but to receive those drugs could throw off your natural biological love responses (oxytocin) with the new baby for whom you've had difficulty connecting with already this time around (understandably so, because of your history)-- and they with you, too. Oxytocin would be so, so good for you and this baby, but in a hospital environment you are going to sacrifice so much of that essential chemical response. This will make for two possibly well individuals on a purely physical basis, but with a psychological disconnect or even damage as a possible repercussion. That kind of trade-off seems like a serious loss, to me.

 

I think your strong urge to "do nothing" is something you need to pay attention to. We tend to complicate things in our lives too much, anyway, don't we? We seldom find the virtue in the simple, the doing nothing. One of two things will happen from examining this urge you're having more intently-- either your attention to the matter will dissolve it as being faulty and unfounded, or you will recognize it as being something terribly important for you to need to do. My guess is that your reality is closer to the latter. There is a reason you have this urge, and even if you don't yet understand this consciously, a part of you understands this. Hindsight is 20/20, and things I had felt before I was ever pregnant and during each of my two pregnancies were always revealed to be truths-- after the fact. Whether I had the trust in myself to listen to these was another matter entirely. We're taught to ignore our intuition and place all our trusts in the hands of others who've had more formal training on certain medical fronts, but don't have the same insight into our bodies the way in which we do-- how we just "know" when something is right or wrong, even when they cannot. This has proven to be regrettably for too many of us, too many times, to ignore any longer.

 

Keep reading and researching. Check out some of the books we've recommended on this forum. Give hubby a secondary education on this topic. I think it's your best chance at finding the peace you are seeking. Everything else sounds like you would have to sacrifice or submit to things which you know deep down are wrong for you. This doesn't make for healthy or happy babies or mothers, in physical and/or psychological regards.

 

You will find yourself, I promise. Don't give up. Follow where your instincts lead you. You'll uncover great truths.


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#5 of 26 Old 02-15-2011, 03:14 PM
 
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Elizabeth sounds very, very wise.  I am sorry that you are having to struggle with these feelings, but I think all of us who have desired to or who actually have uc'd have struggled with similar feelings to some degree.  nearly everything we've ever witnessed about childbirth from the time that we were born, has been about the medicalized (insane) version of it.  To go against the grain in such a manner is to seriously put oneself out there, for most that isn't a very comfortable place to be.  I've spent my life as the black sheep, forging my own paths and refusing to trod along well worn ones just because it would be more comfortable.  I never was one to jump off that same proverbial cliff just because everyone in front of me had--- and even I struggled a bit with facing the adversity after I had vocalized our decision to UC.  I have birthed in the hospital, and I have birthed at home with just my DH present and you are not mistaken when you say you're preparing for war when you go to the hospital.  And even if you've got a wonderful partner and a great doula and a birth plan that is impeccable (despite the fact that it will most likely be ignored), if you go into the hospital knowing exactly what you want you are the exception to the norm.  You are what doctors and nurses don't want to see-- you interrupt their routine, and the discomfort you think you'd feel from other peoples reactions while you're pregnant if you consciously choose to uc, will be most likely be thrown in your direction while you're in labor if you're in the hospital and trying to get the birth you want.  I don't know about you, but personally I'd rather deal with it during pregnancy than childbirth.  It sounds to me like your heart really wants a UC--- all the way down to your desire to do nothing.  It really does suck that your husband is not on board with you-- i have no advice for this situation because while my dh would have serious personal objections if i wanted to go to the hospital---however, he would gladly take me if that's what i desired because he understands and respects the fact that it's my body and my birth.  Fear is a huge thing in our culture and it takes significant life experience in setting fear aside and reaping the rewards of such an action to learn that fear is nothing more than social control.  A friend of mine was considering a UC recently and then said her boyfriend wanted her to go to the hospital because he didn't feel that a UC was safe.  I asked her this, when you get out of the hospital with your baby, will you be driving it home in a car?  Cars are dangerous, there is a very realistic possibility that on the way home from the hospital with your new baby you could be involved in a motor vehicle accident-- this knowledge will probably not make you choose to walk home. And I can't say for sure, but I'd feel confident guessing that an auto accident is more likely than a birth catastrophe.  A life spent in fear of and avoiding risks is no life lived at all.  This is just my two cents, and all I feel I have to add to the wise words of elizabeth.  It's a hard decision and I wish you many blessings on your birth journey.  my parting words of wisdom-- follow your heart.

 

Love & Light

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#6 of 26 Old 02-16-2011, 10:45 AM
 
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The other women had great things to say, I totally agree!

 

As far as your husband, mine was somewhat uncomfortable about UCing at first which was a bit odd to me since we've had a successful home birth previously. When it got down to the root of the matter, it became clear that my husband's discomfort had to do with his belief (falsely!) that I wanted him to act as midwife in lieu of a midwife and that the entirety of anything that may go wrong would rest squarely on his shoulders. Wow, I can see why he felt uncomfortable! Once I assured him that it wasn't my intention that his presence was to replace a midwife, but rather that I felt no midwife or someone playing the 'role' of midwife would be necessary, needed, or even desired by me -- he began to be more receptive to what I was desiring with a UC. Removing the self-imposed pressure dh had placed on himself to act as God in my birthing situation (with all the responsibility that entails) helped tremendously. Remember, your hubby is likely coming at the situation with good intentions. Our men want to protect us, they don't want to see us in pain, they want everything to be okay and they feel responsible when it's not. The burden (for lack of a better word!) is on you to reassure your husband that God is in control and you only seek his presence as loving support in welcoming his baby into the world.

 

Is your husband open to reading some things concerning unassisted birthing? That helped my husband a lot. He is very big on statistics, numbers, outcomes, those types of things -- and upon realizing the instances of all these "complications" you hear about are extremely rare and are actually largely the result of not allowing a woman to be free to labor in a safe, comfortable, loving and supportive environment, he was more receptive to considering UC. Additionally, sharing with him the very complex, immensely spiritual, emotional, and physical things a woman experiences during labor and birth and my desire to experience those in a uniquely intimate way with him without the interference of a midwife, checks, interruptions and so on helped a lot. Expressing that I felt it was my God given right to make those decisions which felt right to me while still desiring his support was part of my position.

 

I have to say too, that we already have a wonderful marriage built on mutual respect, love, understanding and a shared faith in Christ so that helped a lot because my husband really does trust my intuition/Spiritual life and trusts I would never choose something I felt was: a.outside of God's Word or b. a danger to our family. I only mention this because your signature says you're a Christian, otherwise I would leave my personal religious beliefs out of it. I would advise praying about it together and getting to the root of his discomfort. Sure, some discomfort/trepidation is a gift from God to help us grow deeper in Him, but not all discomfort is Godly, much of it comes from our lack of faith in God's sovereignty. We really had a lot of discussions on that front regarding God's sovereignty in all situations and trusting that His design is perfect and in the vast majority of pregnancies, His design works perfectly to finish the work He began in us to bring our babies into the world. Remember, you can call upon the peace of God to rest upon your family so you won't feel this anxiety, at least to the level you're feeling it.

 

On a practical note, I can not think of anything I would like to do less than going to the hospital while in transition or pushing. Talk about stress! May is still few months away and it's never too late to make a decision until the baby is out. The most important thing is to stay as calm and stress-free as possible. Nothing has to be decided today.

 

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#7 of 26 Old 02-16-2011, 05:46 PM
 
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You've gotten some very thoughtful responses here.

 

The only thing I could add would be that for me any anxiousness I felt disappeared when I was actually in labor. Being at home following my own instincts felt right, it felt like the absolute right thing to do. Planning to have an UC made my situation different, of course. But my hope is that as a birth pro you've found a good doula whom you trust and who really understands what you are trying to achieve, because she will be an asset to you in determining when the right time to go in is so that you can focus on being in your birth space without having to think about going to the hospital. Birthing is something that deeply roots you in the present if you let it, and if you have people you trust around you to worry about the external eventualities you have to deal with, then I think you can probably labor at home peacefully.


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#8 of 26 Old 02-17-2011, 11:04 AM
 
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Hopefully you can labor without a doula's presence... ?


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Hopefully you can labor without a doula's presence... ?



I believe she intends to have a doula present, according to her original post.


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#10 of 26 Old 02-21-2011, 06:59 AM
 
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That's fine, I just thought it would be worth a suggestion.


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#11 of 26 Old 03-02-2011, 04:51 AM
 
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I would be concerned about transferring when you are in the middle of pushing. Will you even know when you need to go? I know I didn't, I had no idea what stage I was in. You could very well end up having the baby on the side of the road. You can't really know how long these things will take. I pushed for a total of one contraction with my daughter and her whole body came out in that one push. Certainly not enough time for me to get into a car, drive the hospital, get signed in, etc etc. Not that I could have moved to do that anyway at that stage.

 

I also think its YOUR body and YOUR choice how and where you birth. If you truly want to UC then I feel your DH needs to support you in that. If it makes him uncomfortable to be present do you have other close friends or family who can be there with you if he feels he needs to be in another room (or location)?

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#12 of 26 Old 03-03-2011, 04:36 PM
 
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I have a similar dilemna myself and it makes me sad and frustrated too.   We're new to the area and I haven't been able to find a lay midwife at all and even if I could, we're not sure I could afford it, so I'm left with two choices....birth at home alone or just go to the hospital.   I'm not comfortable with the first option and I hate the second. 

 

My reasons for not being comfortable with the UC is only in a small way the idea of birthing with someone there "just in case".....I'll admit that crosses my mind, but doesn't weigh heavily on my mind.  Primarily, I don't want to deal with cord cutting, placenta disposal, checking babies vitals and general clean up duty.........I don't want to foo with any of that.  I like having a midwife "take over" after I do the work of having the baby.   I felt safe and secure, snuggled up to my baby, falling asleep knowing my midwife, her assistant and my mom were bustling around the house taking care of things and checking on my baby while I slept.  I also dread the idea of bundling up myself and my newborn and trekking to the hospital to report the birth, have her checked out, etc.......I know I could wait a few days, but  I dread the incredulous looks when I casually say "OH, I had her alone at home a few days ago and figured I'd finally come on it, so here we are!"     

 

I don't have any answers to my own dilemna and I'm still frustrated about it, but it's still early so I still hold out hope that something will work out.


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#13 of 26 Old 03-03-2011, 04:50 PM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by ElizabethE View Post

Hopefully you can labor without a doula's presence... ?


 

What's up with the anti-doula sentiment? Especially since this mama is a doula herself and is looking at having a hospital birth.
 

 


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#14 of 26 Old 03-03-2011, 05:08 PM
 
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Sweet tat PP!

 

And, honestly mama, Focus, focus, focus on the task at hand. I delivered in the hospital too. I labored at home until I had this inner person (like maybe my child wink1.gif) tell me that it was time to go. I swear I almost had that baby in the car. And I got to the hospital, and everything was wonderful. Not because I was in a hospital, not because I knew who was delivering my baby, and certainly not because I got poked a hundred times until they got my IV in for abx, but because I was about to meet my precious gift that I had been waiting for. 

Meditate, pray, or do whatever you do to bring yourself comfort. Most of all, believe in yourself!

 

Hugs, I know how tumultuous it can be!


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#15 of 26 Old 03-04-2011, 04:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks everyone.  I'm trying to just not think about it at this point.  I know what I have to do, just don't want to do it..  And no I don't want to labor without a doula I love doulas! 


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#16 of 26 Old 03-05-2011, 12:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by catholic74 View Post

I have a similar dilemna myself and it makes me sad and frustrated too.   We're new to the area and I haven't been able to find a lay midwife at all and even if I could, we're not sure I could afford it, so I'm left with two choices....birth at home alone or just go to the hospital.   I'm not comfortable with the first option and I hate the second. 

 

My reasons for not being comfortable with the UC is only in a small way the idea of birthing with someone there "just in case".....I'll admit that crosses my mind, but doesn't weigh heavily on my mind.  Primarily, I don't want to deal with cord cutting, placenta disposal, checking babies vitals and general clean up duty.........I don't want to foo with any of that.  I like having a midwife "take over" after I do the work of having the baby.   I felt safe and secure, snuggled up to my baby, falling asleep knowing my midwife, her assistant and my mom were bustling around the house taking care of things and checking on my baby while I slept.  I also dread the idea of bundling up myself and my newborn and trekking to the hospital to report the birth, have her checked out, etc.......I know I could wait a few days, but  I dread the incredulous looks when I casually say "OH, I had her alone at home a few days ago and figured I'd finally come on it, so here we are!"     

 

I don't have any answers to my own dilemna and I'm still frustrated about it, but it's still early so I still hold out hope that something will work out.

 

The being uncomfortable with UC is typically something that can be remedied with preparation, and my guess is that if you are here, you may be looking for this in some manner or another.

 

The hate for the hospital option, however, is harder to rectify and I don't think I'd want to since your aversion to it is entirely natural.

 

Reading up on the science of childbirth and specifically on UC will probably be a great solution for you to come to easier answers.
 

 


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#17 of 26 Old 03-05-2011, 12:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post

Quote:


 

What's up with the anti-doula sentiment? Especially since this mama is a doula herself and is looking at having a hospital birth.
 

 



1. No "anti-doula" sentiment. A mere suggestion that she could actually have a labor without a doula, should she choose.

 

2. You do know where you are, right? This is the Unassisted Childbirth forum, and the title of this thread is "How to labor at home without anxiety"....


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#18 of 26 Old 03-05-2011, 12:42 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovebeingamomma View Post

thanks everyone.  I'm trying to just not think about it at this point.  I know what I have to do, just don't want to do it..  And no I don't want to labor without a doula I love doulas! 



Okey doke. I don't think using a doula is quite a UC, but I understand the desire to have help... :)

 

I know you were still kind of feeling weird about the intentional UCing, but I also know that if you felt an "oops" sounded so great, that a part of you recognizes the beauty of having one. I just don't want you to feel like you absolutely have to close that door if you don't really have to. Good luck, mama.


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#19 of 26 Old 03-06-2011, 06:14 PM
 
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Quote:

2. You do know where you are, right? This is the Unassisted Childbirth forum, and the title of this thread is "How to labor at home without anxiety"....

 

I've been here for over nine years. I'm familiar with the purpose of each forum on MDC.

 

I don't believe that Unassisted Childbirth necessarily means that women have to birth in isolation or with just family members. I think that it means birthing without a medical person present and that the woman is taking responsibility for her birth. Neither of those things preclude being supported by other women who believe that birth works and that the woman can birth her baby.


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#20 of 26 Old 03-06-2011, 10:08 PM
 
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I can't speak for Elizabeth, but I interpreted that part of her reply to be in regards to how you said this mama was planning a hospital birth. I took it more as 'well, she was posting in the UC forum' So therefore replies will be from a UC perspective not a 'you have to go to the hospital and have birth assistants' perspective. But I totally think doulas are great if you want to have one. Just as long as you (and they) are clear that they will not be taking on a bigger role in the birth due to the absence of a midwife.

 

I am friends with quite a few amazing doulas who are also very knowledgeable about birth (and are also ALL studying to be midwives coincidentally). I know they would have a very hard time stepping back and not jumping in to 'assist' during the birth if they felt they knew a solution to a problem, or if they thought there was a problem. This could cause a hindrance to a UC, but as long as everyone is very clear where they stand it is awesome to have a doula. I will probably have one if I do UC next time, but that is only cause my best friend is a doula. love.gif She would not be in a doula role though, just a friend. But I think the doula part of her is hard to separate from who she is as a person, so I know it will still be like having a doula there in many respects. 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Logan View Post

I can't speak for Elizabeth, but I interpreted that part of her reply to be in regards to how you said this mama was planning a hospital birth. I took it more as 'well, she was posting in the UC forum' So therefore replies will be from a UC perspective not a 'you have to go to the hospital and have birth assistants' perspective.


yeahthat.gif

 

Additionally, not that I'm a total purist or anything, but to have or not to have a doula at a UC does sort of raise questions about contradiction in terms. I realize that UCing varies from person to person in who they want there, and that doulas are not intended to be medical personnel, but they are hired as attendants to the mother. This would be very different from a mother going solo, or just having her partner and/or children present, or even having a close friend or a mother there, etc.

 

Doulas are hired professionals. In this sense, and from a (or at least one typical) UC perspective, this would be seen as potential "intrusion". And please, don't be thrown or offended by the word "intrusion"... it's just the way it is, and I can't think of a nicer word for "intrusion". I basically just mean the presence of outsiders or hired hands during a birth (i.e. "strangers").

 

Any doula may or may not take this personally, but consider that it's because this is your vocation. We are not a threat to you in questioning whether we or other women need you during labor. You don't have to feel so challenged by these suggestions. Especially not if such notions are brought about in the UC forum, of all places.


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#22 of 26 Old 03-08-2011, 12:13 PM
 
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Letting go of the idea of a hospital birth this time, took away my anxiety. I wanted an UC but I was going to leave hospital birth open as an option when I had found a midwife group for prenatal care but things didn't work out with them. I just don't like feeling pushed or talked down to. I need to be in control, I hate the feeling of others being in control of me. I don't know those midwives personally and I have very serious trust issues with outsiders when it comes to pregnancy and birth related things as well as other things. So, for me, the most relaxing thing was dropping the midwives and letting myself relax and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy UP style and plan for an UC. I imagine my UC will be much more relaxing than my previous birth experiences and I'm actually excited about the birth as a result. I know there is a small chance something could go wrong and me and/or baby may need to go to the hospital, but it's a small chance and I just feel a whole lot better letting go and trusting God.

 

Anyway, I say that because maybe your anxiety is somewhat similar to mine? 

 

I personally wouldn't want a doula there, unless maybe your doula is a good friend to you as well. Like Elizabeth said, it'd feel like a stranger was at my birth. And I just wouldn't know if I could trust them and it would bother me. If your hubby will go with a UC if you have a doula, then I'd go for it as at least that would be a compromise. Oh, and if you are only comfortable if you have a doula, then go for that. Do whatever feels right. Try to find a way to be as comfortable with what's to come as you can possibly be. I didn't read everything everyone wrote as it was a really long thread but hope what I had to say was of some use to you. :) 


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Have you ever heard of the movie/book called The Secret? Google it. People can tell you what they think all day long, stand up for what you want you are the one having this baby. In your heart you know what you want, listen to that and you will find peace.


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#24 of 26 Old 03-08-2011, 06:16 PM
 
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Fear is an illusion. We or others can project images of fear of what may come in the future, but none of that is the reality. It's not useful. It's only purpose is to keep us in worry or in stress, and thus, in pain. We needn't imagine a painful future. It's almost equally useless to daydream a fantastic future and expect it to arrive. Dwelling in illusions and projections won't make them come true.

 

That doesn't mean I'm not for using the power of your mind... just make sure you're using your mind and it's not using you!  :)

 

What I think is best whether you believe in God or The Secret is to at the bare minimum believe in yourself. If you aren't confident in your knowledge and your ability, get some. It's attainable. Don't dwell, but picture what you want and what could happen, and then act on it. Plan for it. Plan accordingly. Grab hold of the situation, control what you can, and let the rest go. Decide what you can and will do in any given scenario. And once you've formed your plan, shove everything out of your mind. The dwelling, the fantasizing, the nightmares, the what ifs-- all illusions. Being prepared is all you need-- why torture yourself with the constant mental replays? Are they serving a purpose beyond your planning, or just causing you worry? Only the reality as it reveals itself in the present moment will be truth. All else is speculation. Have the confidence to shun what is unacceptable to you (for example, a hospital birth) or unbearable to you and make plans to do what you truly want -- make it work to your best advantage. Put it in motion. Then accept what comes, because once you've done all you could on your end, it's out of your hands. Peace... :)


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#25 of 26 Old 03-09-2011, 01:18 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ElizabethE View Post


 


yeahthat.gif

 

Additionally, not that I'm a total purist or anything, but to have or not to have a doula at a UC does sort of raise questions about contradiction in terms. I realize that UCing varies from person to person in who they want there, and that doulas are not intended to be medical personnel, but they are hired as attendants to the mother. This would be very different from a mother going solo, or just having her partner and/or children present, or even having a close friend or a mother there, etc.

 

Doulas are hired professionals. In this sense, and from a (or at least one typical) UC perspective, this would be seen as potential "intrusion". And please, don't be thrown or offended by the word "intrusion"... it's just the way it is, and I can't think of a nicer word for "intrusion". I basically just mean the presence of outsiders or hired hands during a birth (i.e. "strangers").

 

Any doula may or may not take this personally, but consider that it's because this is your vocation. We are not a threat to you in questioning whether we or other women need you during labor. You don't have to feel so challenged by these suggestions. Especially not if such notions are brought about in the UC forum, of all places.

I'm a doula and I don't feel offended or threatened at all. I know for me personally, I feel most comfortable with a very intimate setting of just my family (hubby, kids), some women feel the need for a doula at their UC, some do not. It's the most important, IMO, that the mom feels comfortable and safe.

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#26 of 26 Old 03-09-2011, 04:49 PM
 
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Absolutely, Jennifer! Amen to that.  :)


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