How Anger Makes You Think Differently - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-01-2011, 11:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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When you decide to UC, it's almost inevitable that you're going to encounter some level of negativity. Most of us know this all too well. As much as we hope to have this little bubble of safety and positivity around us, misery loves company, and bad feelings coming from others will often find their way to you despite your intentions.

 

If you're anything like me, this is annoying and petty at best, and harmful and outrageous at worst to you. But, the next time you are listening to voices that squawk and judge without listening back, feel sorry for them. The truth is, studies seem to show/indicate that people who are very angry are not able to process information the same way others do.

 

So, the fact of the matter is that you are probably way more logical than the people who try to treat you like you are illogical or stupid for your UC beliefs. The psychology most of us operate under is of the type that causes us to actually think, listen, process, and decide. There's a certain amount of fairness and objectivity in that. The angry people tend to just decide, decide, decide, having been convinced of something through mental shortcuts.

 

It makes it a little easier to cope with the stresses imposed upon us when you realize the source, because it's so hard to stay mad at people whom you should be feeling sorry for. I hope this helps ease some of the tension any of us are feeling during such sensitive times.

 

This article says it better than I do, makes some really great points. Check it out and see if it doesn't ring true to you.   http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/are-we-born-racist/201105/how-anger-makes-you-think-differently


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Old 06-01-2011, 02:19 PM
 
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I think that article is only describing how people process information once they're already angry, not how most people process information outside of being either angry or sad.

I don't think the negative emotions I encountered when announcing my decision to UC came from people who were only worth my pity. My parents are capable of critical thought, and they also love me and my children. Their concern and the emotions surrounding that concern came from a place of love. I don't think it helps anyone to wall yourself off from your loved ones or your support network by making them out to be less mentally capable than oneself. In fact I think it can damage relationships.

My advice to those who have thoughtfully decided to UC is to set appropriate boundaries and ask for the respect of loved ones, making sure to respect them in return.

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Old 06-01-2011, 02:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I understand what the article is saying. I guess I am speaking to something specific which is being lost. That is that there are a lot of habitually angry people out there, and so naturally trying to speak in terms of logic or just respect has a huge potential for failure.

 

Furthermore, I did not say that anyone who expresses "concern" over UC should be pitied. It's not the subject of my post and frankly not that of the article... as you noticed. I'm expressing an alternative way to take the BS we get from those who just want to fight, fight, fight. Familiar?

 

And in fact, it does help a lot of people to "wall" certain others out. But that's subject to individual judgment. Sometimes these walls exist for family, or sometimes they exist for strangers. And, sometimes it is damaging to relationships, but this is missing the point, too.

 

So, to sum up, when dealing with the world, we may approach with rose-colored glasses and treat everyone with respect only to find it is most definitely NOT returned. And so, this is one way of looking at your newfound negative situation (from a view with psychological foundation). It's a way to not feel so pissy about it. Make sense?


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Old 06-01-2011, 03:14 PM
 
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Yeah, I can see what you're saying. It's just that for me, the only IRL anger I experienced regarding my decision to UC was from my family, since they were the only people I talked to about it. And my mom did express a lot of anger. I used it as a learning experience and made the effort to grow as a person and not let her feelings affect me. I wanted her support but when I found that I wasn't going to get it, I set boundaries that were appropriate, but I didn't get angry in return or stop caring about her. I just prioritized what I needed to do for myself and let her be responsible for her feeling, you know? In the end we still have a good relationship and I'm glad I didn't behave in a way that was disrespectful of her feelings.

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Old 06-01-2011, 04:14 PM
 
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Another is the "length is strength" heuristic, in which we decide an argument is stronger or more persuasive only because it is longer.

 

Fascinating.  I have long suspected that some people intentionally write longer and longer posts as conversations become heated.  I wonder if they have sensed this heuristic intuitively and are using it to exploit people.

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Old 06-01-2011, 09:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Probably. Or maybe people are exploiting themselves and don't even need long posts to do it.


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Old 06-01-2011, 10:46 PM
 
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A lot of people behave in ways that are typical for certain mentalities and/or pathologies and don't realize it.  This is perfectly normal.

 

I'm concerned about the "them vs us" mentality I see being expressed here, so far.  While I agree that when folks are in the throngs of anger, they are likely not thinking clearly, I also recognize that some people think more clearly the angrier they get.  I also agree that some folks are just angry and fearful as a general state of being, but I disagree that that is the problem.

 

Many of us are angry and fearful, in general.  So what?  Those are just emotions.  It's not emotions, but behaviors that are the problem.  We like to assume that people are yelling at us because they're angry and/or afraid, but really they are yelling at us because they have chosen to do so.  There are lots of behaviors a person can engage in while angry.  Sometimes, people are eerily quiet when they're angry.  Why can't people be that quiet when we tell them we want to UC?  More than likely, because the arguments we have regarding a decision to UC are about control, not anger.  And, I don't feel anyone has the right to control me but me.  I believe the same with regard to other people and, more importantly, I act like I believe it. 

 

That is the key.  We must act out our beliefs.  And, a person who tries to belittle, berate, or otherwise emotionally harm me because I want to UC obviously does not truly believe in my autonomy.  I have no problem stating that and I also have no problem never discussing the topic, again. 

 

I didn't encounter a lot of mess when I was planning my UC.  And, the people who had a problem with it were not my concern.  I had a child to create; no one who brought negativity toward me was worth my time. 

 

People can tell themselves whatever helps them feel better when someone is dumping on them regarding a personal choice.  But, if a woman is having a UC, I hope she is doing so from a place of strength and self-respect.  That will help her more than anything else.  It may not protect her from her own feelings of anger, but it will help her keep perspective when encountering the anger of others.


Yes, yes.  I'm fabulous. loveeyes.gif  Moving on...

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Old 06-02-2011, 01:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, it's just an article and a way of looking at things that may or may not be helpful for some.


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Old 06-03-2011, 04:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paphia View Post

I think that article is only describing how people process information once they're already angry, not how most people process information outside of being either angry or sad.

I don't think the negative emotions I encountered when announcing my decision to UC came from people who were only worth my pity. My parents are capable of critical thought, and they also love me and my children. Their concern and the emotions surrounding that concern came from a place of love. I don't think it helps anyone to wall yourself off from your loved ones or your support network by making them out to be less mentally capable than oneself. In fact I think it can damage relationships.

My advice to those who have thoughtfully decided to UC is to set appropriate boundaries and ask for the respect of loved ones, making sure to respect them in return.


I have to agree with this. I have been having to put firm boundaries down with my family in my choice to UC, because I hear alot of "you really shouldn't do that, it's not safe! don't you care about your child?"  And the truth is, I do love my child. I love it so much that I want a peaceful, natural birth without having fear of a natural process. The fear that the medical world has set into most women. I respect the rest of my family and if they decide to have a hospital birth, I will not tell them that I think a homebirth is much better just because I did it. They have to realize themselves that birth doesn't have to be treated as a medical condition that needs to be cured, and that they need to trust their bodies.

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