How do you tell others your Birth Story? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 22 Old 12-06-2011, 06:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have pretty quick labors.  My daughter was born in 2001 after a 2 hour labor(in the hospital 12 minutes). My son was born at 37 weeks at home at an unplanned UC.  I didn't even think I was in labor with him and it was super quick(an hour maybe).  i did go to to the ER and my son was whisked away to the NICU for a week without a real reason why until I constantly questioned the Dr. and then all of a sudden they said he has aspiration pneumonia and came home 2 days later. It ended up being one of those horror stories you hear about with a UC. Definitely NOT something I want to experience again. 

 

Anyway, everyone that knows my story with my son always jokes and says how I need camp out at the hospital and that I better not have another baby on the floor, etc. etc. etc. Even my OB says how he wants to do an amnio and check the lungs at 37 weeks and then induce me if baby is ready!  I have told him that I am completely against an induction/amnio. 


I am planning on having an UC this times but wonder what I will tell people?  Should I lie and just say baby came fast again? or that I had a midwife(there aren't any in my area so i can't get one anyway). I know LOTS of people would be completely against me having an UC.  i even have an online mommy group and don't think they would even be supportive. Of course everyone wants to hear your birth story. Luckily my husband is supportive(he delivered our son), I just wonder what do say to people in general.

 

Thanks in advance!

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#2 of 22 Old 12-07-2011, 01:10 PM
 
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From when I first started planning my first UC, i was honest with everyone (accept for the OB, who I saw for prenatal so she just assumed I was birthing in their hospital.)  It was important to me to be open about it, but it's not easy & you do have to answer a lot of questions... I think people were kind of used to me going against the grain already so to people who knew me it was just another 'out there' thing I was going to do & they didn't try to change my mind... If I'd had people in my life that I felt would do something drastic like call social services or something, I'd have put protecting my family above my ideals about being open. Thankfully that wasn't the case.  After the first birth it was a lot easier to explain as I had "proof" that I knew what I was doing. I know many people quietly disapprove, but others I've positively influenced :)

 

If I were in your situation & uncomfortable sharing, I'd consider telling people that you're studying up in case of another accidental UC. IMO, though you have a perfect arguement for PLANNING a UC. even a lot of people who aren't on board with UC would think it's better to plan for one than to be induced at 37weeks, or than giving birth on the side of the road somewhere.

 

I've also known people to say they are having a "homebirth" and just let everyone assume there would be a midwife there...


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#3 of 22 Old 12-07-2011, 01:25 PM
 
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You'd be surprised how many people will sing your praises AFTER your UC rather than before it happens. They want to dissuade you while they can, but if you've already done it, they'll all of a sudden be "so proud of you" when you tell them after the fact. I made it out to my OB that my water broke at 5cm and I planned on going to the hospital but after my water broke it was too intense to be able to get anywhere. This all was true and I wouldn't have made it to hospital if I HAD planned on it after my water broke because I delivered 15 minutes after my water broke. But I'd planned on staying home all along.

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#4 of 22 Old 12-08-2011, 04:50 AM
 
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This is a tricky one... I don't believe that lying is the way to go when talking about something like your baby's birth, but I understand why someone would lie in order to avoid criticism or negativity. How come you are seeking care from an OB instead of a midwife this time around? Oftentimes, people are more open and accepting of the idea of a homebirth when you are working with a midwife (not to mention you are planning on being at home anyway so why not seek care from an 'alternative' practitioner?).

I say be strong and confident in your birthing plans. Do your research and make the right decision for your family. Stick by it.

hh2.gif Proud Mama to DS1 09/07 ribboncesarean.gif, DD 07/09 hbac.gif, and DS2 06/11 uc.jpg.  Feeling more and more blessed with each day!

 

 
 
 
  

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#5 of 22 Old 12-08-2011, 06:01 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tracymom1 View Post

This is a tricky one... I don't believe that lying is the way to go when talking about something like your baby's birth, but I understand why someone would lie in order to avoid criticism or negativity. How come you are seeking care from an OB instead of a midwife this time around? Oftentimes, people are more open and accepting of the idea of a homebirth when you are working with a midwife (not to mention you are planning on being at home anyway so why not seek care from an 'alternative' practitioner?).
I say be strong and confident in your birthing plans. Do your research and make the right decision for your family. Stick by it.



She might have trouble with insurance, like I did. I couldn't get a midwife because of my lack of funds and didn't have insurance to cover any of it. I sought care from an OB and planned my UC in secret.

 

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#6 of 22 Old 12-08-2011, 03:31 PM
 
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I haven't had a UC yet but am planning on having one for my next pregnancy and I am just going to let most people assume I am going to the OB and having the baby in the hospital and telling a select few that I am having a homebirth. I technically see it as a homebirth. If I told someone I was having a UC or unassisted pregnancy they wouldn't even know what that is. Ironically though, my supermanly-man tough guy brother in law would be perfectly fine knowing I was going to give birth at home by myself since he thinks all women should and doesn't even know why women "wuss out and go to the hospital". lol. I am taking the same stance on homeschooling too. We are planning on Unschooling but will just be using the term homeschooling to avoid a lot of fuss.


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#7 of 22 Old 12-08-2011, 09:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies for all your responses. 

 

I am under the care of an OB because i moved to a new state when i was  weeks and wanted to start care here.  I did search out a midwife however because we live in a pretty rural area the closest midwife is over 2 hours away.  She didn't take my insurance and since we moved I couldn't afford her cost.  Our insurance covers all maternity care too. So having to pay a few thousand dollars after we just moved(my husband had been living here for 6 months before my children and I moved here) we just couldn't do it.

 

A lot of people love to hear my birth story of my son and are amazed that i had him at home and can't believe it or even say they couldn't do it themselves and applaud me.  I just worry what people would say if I said I wasn't planning on going to a hospital at all. I have told people, 'we are planning on having the baby at home and there is a hospital close by', or 'i am buying a birth kit just in case' and even have joked that I 'had my son on the bathroom floor so this time I was thinking about the kitchen table or the couch'.  Most people just laugh but I wonder if they think i am nuts.  Not that I care as long as I have a healthy baby.

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#8 of 22 Old 12-09-2011, 08:08 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Lingab View Post

Thanks ladies for all your responses. 

 

I am under the care of an OB because i moved to a new state when i was  weeks and wanted to start care here.  I did search out a midwife however because we live in a pretty rural area the closest midwife is over 2 hours away.  She didn't take my insurance and since we moved I couldn't afford her cost.  Our insurance covers all maternity care too. So having to pay a few thousand dollars after we just moved(my husband had been living here for 6 months before my children and I moved here) we just couldn't do it.

 

A lot of people love to hear my birth story of my son and are amazed that i had him at home and can't believe it or even say they couldn't do it themselves and applaud me.  I just worry what people would say if I said I wasn't planning on going to a hospital at all. I have told people, 'we are planning on having the baby at home and there is a hospital close by', or 'i am buying a birth kit just in case' and even have joked that I 'had my son on the bathroom floor so this time I was thinking about the kitchen table or the couch'.  Most people just laugh but I wonder if they think i am nuts.  Not that I care as long as I have a healthy baby.


I would be a little cautious with sarcasm as far as birth plans. lol Saying you plan on doing it on the table or the couch would sound even more wreckless to most. Even UC'ing sounds wreckless to most. My mom BEGGED DH to make me go to the hospital and he even almost had me broken down enough to go because he hadn't wanted me to do it at home without assistance. After I did it, I turned him into a believer. This is a man that 2 years ago, when I had my DD in the hospital was singing praises of using the epidural, and now he encourages homebirth. LMAO
 

 

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#9 of 22 Old 12-10-2011, 08:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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that's a great point.  thanks.  I didn't think about that. 

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#10 of 22 Old 12-11-2011, 11:20 AM
 
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I do think it's funny, though. thumb.gif

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#11 of 22 Old 12-11-2011, 01:03 PM
 
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There are some women that I know I will be able to share with, since they've had UCs. To the rest who ask, I had the baby at home before I could make it to the hospital. :)


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#12 of 22 Old 12-17-2011, 05:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lia_joy View Post

From when I first started planning my first UC, i was honest with everyone (accept for the OB, who I saw for prenatal so she just assumed I was birthing in their hospital.)  It was important to me to be open about it, but it's not easy & you do have to answer a lot of questions... I think people were kind of used to me going against the grain already so to people who knew me it was just another 'out there' thing I was going to do & they didn't try to change my mind... If I'd had people in my life that I felt would do something drastic like call social services or something, I'd have put protecting my family above my ideals about being open. Thankfully that wasn't the case.  After the first birth it was a lot easier to explain as I had "proof" that I knew what I was doing. I know many people quietly disapprove, but others I've positively influenced :)

 

If I were in your situation & uncomfortable sharing, I'd consider telling people that you're studying up in case of another accidental UC. IMO, though you have a perfect arguement for PLANNING a UC. even a lot of people who aren't on board with UC would think it's better to plan for one than to be induced at 37weeks, or than giving birth on the side of the road somewhere.

 

I've also known people to say they are having a "homebirth" and just let everyone assume there would be a midwife there...



This exactly.

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#13 of 22 Old 01-13-2012, 10:05 AM
 
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I didn't care who knew, I was upfront with family, friends, church members and even strangers when they asked "what hospital?", I was soooo proud of what my plans were and knew it was the best, I shared with EVERYONE! And I certainly got my share of flack for it, the ones that bothered me the most was friends and members of church, they seemed to freak out the most and I was just like "uh, have you READ the bible?' lol, I had one church friend tell me she was gonna drag me to the hospital when I was in labor cause what I was doing was dangerous! I shared a bunch of youtube home birth videos with her and just like that, she switched, she even told me " now I see why you want to home birth, it's BEAUTIFUL!" hehehe. Others however could not be persuaded so easily, some of them were so concerned they even got together and put a few grand together so we could pay for a midwife AT LEAST... I thanked them and again told them that this originally became uc as opposed to midwife care because of money but it soon became an act based on faith, I was so incredibly close to my Savior during my pregnancy, afterall He answered my prayer and blessed me with that child anyways... My mom and husband didn't get it either and they were my support people that were supposed to be there during the labor, when labor began I got in a huge fight with hubby and told him to go away, he hadn't been part of the pregnancy I sure as heck could do labor by myself, he appologized for being a huge jerk and I allowed him to help me : ) my mom studied up while I was but still was unsure and thought I  was crazy but knew she wasn't changing my mind so she wanted to be there to help when something went wrong.... My mother got to catch my daughter and was so insanely stoked to be able to catch and be part of the whole thing, she was telling EVERYONE she met and became the biggest homebirth advocate EVER! My hubby was still rather freaked out about homebirth, after it was said and done he thought it was pretty cool but when I became pregnant 9 months later he was again fearful of another home birth and was talking about the different hospitals in the area and how great so and so at work said they were... fastforward to that birth, during transition I was wanting pain relief and rest and asked him to take me to the hospital, rather than jump up and do it, he reminded me of all the reasons why I didn't want to go: ) I made sure he caught that time to help him see it from another view and boy did he, such a wonderful birth!

 

I also need to mention that my sister was apparently so freaked about my first UC she called 911 in an attempt to get the police to my house to stop me from killing my baby by birthing at home, she only told me this a week ago, which is good cause we were on horrible terms at that time and had I known we never would've talked again! BUT she learned so much and by the time my second UC was taking place she was so eager to be there cause she wanted to be a part of it! She went on to share home birth with her preggo friend who then chose to do so because of sharing it with her and my sister became determined that with any future babes she would also opt for homebirth!!!

 

I'm preggo again and going to homebirth again only this time I get to catch!! My sister missed the last one due to no transportation but is excited to be here for this one and is ttc right now and planning her own UC!

 

Soooo, telling someone you intend to UC is pretty much never favored by others, but in my short birthing years thus far I've been able to help others see the beauty and reason for it and become some of the most amazing home birth advocates I know. love.gif


Nichole, wife to Kris SAHM to Timothy : :10-11-03, Hosanna , Seraphim 8-17-08 : caught by Grandma! Faith 1-4-10 : Caught by Daddy!
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#14 of 22 Old 01-13-2012, 10:52 AM
 
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You have a really good point Nichole.  I'm not a believer, but in the same way you trust God, I trust my own body to do its job.  Plus, who is to say that it's not okay for you to put trust in something that so many people believe in?  What if God wanted to take your baby away as soon as it was born?  Would that be okay with you as well?  A lot of people think that it is negligent to not birth in the hospital in case the baby has a problem after birth, but what if you believe that it is in God's hands and you are willing to let things happen as they are supposed to happen?  I'm interested to see what you have to say about that, and honestly I think it's legitimate...not every single baby is meant to live, which is why we do tend to have higher perinatal mortality rates when birth is left alone.  It's also why we experience miscarriages.

 

Lol, my mother did the same thing your sister did...only cops did show up at my door shortly after the babies were born, and since the cops were called and children were involved, they had no choice but to file with CPS.  So a few days later I had them show up at my door too.  (Imagine the blood drain from my mother's face when she answered the door to them...she was at my house helping me clean up the place.)

 

I actually have inspired quite a few people as well, I have a lot of people telling me they didn't even think of UC as an option and would actually like to try it for their next child (or if they have one).  I think after I have this baby (which, btw, I plan to catch myself as well, as hubby got to catch both twins!) I may pursue being a doula. :)

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#15 of 22 Old 01-13-2012, 04:32 PM
 
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"What if God wanted to take your baby away as soon as it was born?  Would that be okay with you as well?  A lot of people think that it is negligent to not birth in the hospital in case the baby has a problem after birth, but what if you believe that it is in God's hands and you are willing to let things happen as they are supposed to happen?"

 

Well, I actually lost our first baby together due to miscarriage, I think if that had not happened I would've been much more fearful and never had UC'd. Losing Hosanna made me realize that God can take my child home at ANY time, and as distressing and painful as it is I'd rather be home with my family when it happens and be given proper time to grieve and hold my baby and take pictures. Considering death is never pleasant but it's part of what we face and I know it's not permanent but temporary, I will see my little Hosanna again one day and that brings me great joy.

 

Another thing to add is that I do take every precaution I can and make sure I have some very important stuff on hand for emergencies, I have an infant rescusitator, I monitor my bp if I think I've lost too much blood, I rented a doppler to monitor heart rate for my first uc and bought a stethoscope for the second, I make sure I have hemhalt and shepherd's purse as well as this time having a wide array of homeopathic remedies and share the knowledge of their use with hubby. The last and most important thing I've done is to pray that if something bad should arise that God gives us the knowledge and wisdom to deal with it accordingly and that all 3 of us (myself, husband and mother) would know it together so that there would be no question about it being due to fear or being unsure.

 

I have read stories of mothers who've UC'd and some have lost their babies, pretty much all the ones I read the baby died during or before labor and not after being born, yet even these mothers have gone on to continue having home births and ucing. I've also read a number of stories where babies have died in the hospital, one must remember that being in the hospital does not equate to a "no infant death guarantee", with these things in my mind I continue to choose UC above all for my family unless the Lord puts on my heart otherwise.


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#16 of 22 Old 01-18-2012, 11:06 PM
 
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I agree.  Like I said, I'm not a believer, but I feel the same way you do, just in a different sense.  If the baby is full term, healthy, and not easily resuscitated, it's probably not meant to be - and being in a hospital doesn't guarantee the baby's survival either.  

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#17 of 22 Old 01-19-2012, 01:47 PM
 
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I pretty much told most people that he came pretty quickly, and in all honesty my ctx were spaced VERY far apart, and very short. DH sucks a lying, so he could totally back that story up. But for close friends, I'd tell them that we had been prepared ahead of time for anything, since our midwife IS 45min away.

Everyone knew we were planning for another home birth.

 

Only my in-laws didn't see through it, and they would bring the story up at the most awkward times. Like when we were at a baby shower and everyone is sharing their birthing horror stories, I was keeping my mouth shut and just nodding and sympathizing. Then MIL pipes up "Did THEY tell you what they did?!"   lol!  I didn't really want to butt in and tell my story, about birthing at home, unassisted, after they were going on about how unfair it was that their epidural wore off early, how terrible the episiotomy was and so on.

 

Anyway, for the third (second UC), everyone knew we were once again planning for a home birth, but some people hinted that they wanted to know if we'd call the midwife or not.  We were very non-committal, especially after my one SIL (who is unmarried without children) flipped about me not having any ultrasounds.

We haven't announced this pregnancy, so it will be interesting to see if anyone asks us about it.


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#18 of 22 Old 01-25-2012, 11:56 PM
 
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I guess we are really blessed because our family already think we have lost the plot with our large family, homeschooling & other weird decisions they just leave us to it.

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#19 of 22 Old 03-20-2012, 03:41 PM
 
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I understand it is sometimes hard to tell the birth story when it is a UC...especially if you are not amongst people that you feel would be supportive.

I personally don't say anything unless asked or with like minded people. But if I am asked, then I am truthful for the most part. (although I will admit a lie did slip out when I made my u/s appt the other day.....the lady could tell by my answers that I was doing a homebirth and asked who my midwife was. I didn't have the courage to say I was UCing (didn't want any issues with her)....so I said the name of a local midwife. So I hope that doesn't bite me later 0_o )

Just this past weekend, I had to tell my long time friend that I UC. We were childhood friends and friends throughout highschool, but kind of drifted away after school. And in the past couple of years we have re-aquainted.....and this is my first birth since we have re- aquainted. So we went out for dinner and she was asking questions and I had to tell her that I was having a homebirth. I didn't say UC...but she didn't ask if I had a midwife or anything, so I just left it as a homebirth. I think she perceived that I was UCing but it just wasn't said outright. I somewhat felt intimidated as I could tell she was uncomfortable with the idea. Given that both her births were c-sect.....first emergency and second planned. Her emergency one was because the baby turned breech. I could tell she was concerned...even though she didn't say it. But I tried to push through with confidence so she wouldn't think that I was doing something foolish.

If someone attacks my decision with something other than loving concern, I tend to bounce back with like a tiger and don't let them intimidate me. I guess it just depends on how they react to it. =S


I would doubt that your baby got pneumonia from being homebirthed. Chances are that was just the drs excuse.

Hopefully this one ends better so you have a confident story that will hopefully over shadow the past story.
I personally don't suggest telling a lie about it...it just makes things more complicated....ask me how I know..lol



I will say that once people find out...word travels fast. I have people come up to me that I know I never told commenting on how I UC. Thankfully most are positive and just in awe that I do that and most want to hear my birth story.....but honestly, I hate them prying into my personal experience (I don't mind sharing amongst like minded people or even hard core critics...to prove a point)...it just makes me uncomfortable with some peoples dumbfounded curiosity. So if I tell them my story, I just tell them a couple of highlights and leave out most of the details. Or I just say it went perfectly. They normally have a lot of annoying  questions just out of curiosity and I just kind of blandly answer them without much detail. I generally don't go into much detail unless the person is interested in homebirthing.
I guess it kind of rubs me the wrong way for some reason when people think I am "wonder woman" just for doing something that is natural and oddly enough for some reason I don't like how they say "oh I just couldn't do that...I don't know how you do that....you are braver than me" When in reality they probably could have done it themselves if they had to or wanted to.
When someone asks me how I did it, a lot of times I end up saying "the same way you did in the hospital just without interference and in the comfort of my own home" (providing they have birthed in a hospital without a c sect). They normally then proceed with annoying questions such as how did you cut the cord and such......
I know I shouldn't get annoyed at people's curiosity but I just don't like feeling like a spectacle or a freak show.

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#20 of 22 Old 03-21-2012, 04:10 PM
 
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Yeah I don't share a whole lot about my birth stories.  Regardless of UC or not, I just feel like it is a bit of a private matter and I'm not really OK with people I don't know well asking lots of questions.  I feel kind of like I would feel if they were asking me about my sex life, and I tend to give really vague answers and change the subject quickly.


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#21 of 22 Old 03-22-2012, 08:08 AM
 
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Most of the time for me, I just use the term "home birth" and hope that settles it.  Strangely though, the majority of people go on to ask if there was a midwife there! I always find that odd - I figured it would be an unspoken assumption.  I'm not comfortable with straight lying, and I've done it twice now already, so I do go ahead and answer the questions, but depending on who it is, I tend to hedge and say as little as possible. 

 

It usually ends with them telling me their hospital nightmare stories, and then making me feel like a freak show, as a PP said above.  It's in a good way, with the whole "brave" and "superwoman" nonsense, but still feels like a freak show nonetheless.

 


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#22 of 22 Old 03-25-2012, 06:02 PM
 
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Location: Tasmania, Australia
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I haven't had my UC yet, but whenever people ask about our plans for birth, I tell them we're homebirthing, and they usually assume it's with a midwife. Sometimes they ask whether we have one, and I have to admit that I have lied and told a few people we have a midwife. 

UC is very controversial over here, and I don't want the negativity and fearful reactions from people. So we are only telling the truth to those who we know will understand. One set of close friends knew we were considering UC (and were quite concerned about it, but also sort of understood) and in the end I told them that we have a midwife but haven't decided if we're going to call her to come to the birth or not.

After the fact, we'll probably tell people that the baby came before the midwife got here. Women in my family tend to have fast labors so it's a plausible explanation.

I really don't like lying but in this situation I think it's justified.


 A dedicated treehugger.gif and academic, 32, married to DH hippie.gif since 07/07

Became a mommy to DD in May 2012 - so happy and in love!

 

 

 

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