How do you deal with negative feedback? (x posted in HB) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 06-19-2012, 12:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Mummas,

 

I am sure we have had a few of these threads, but I can't find any recent ones.

How do YOU deal with the negative feedback when people learn of your past/future HB or UC? (Walk away? Outsmart them? Go along with it? "Pass the pepper please.", anger?)

 

I have been running into more and more as I am getting more set into the decisions that I am making for this pregnancy/birth/child/parenting. I have my own ways of dealing with it, but sometimes still get knocked off my feet.

 

SO! How did/do/will you deal with the negative feed back people? (Specifically YOU)

 

And what are your favourite verbal/physical "comebacks" to it? wink1.gif


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#2 of 7 Old 06-19-2012, 06:44 AM
 
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Well I used to really care about what people thought-I felt like I needed approval or needed to 'prove' how it was better in most cases, etc. (not saying you feel like you need approval, lol!) Now I bring it up only if someone asks and I don't take a defensive stance-I just act like it means nothing to me if they think I'm nuts or not-I may tell them to do the research, or that I can't imagine medicalizing an event that rarely needs it...or I'd rather take my chances with my house germs over hospital germs, or maybe say that I prefer not to give birth in an environment where I most likely won't be able to make my own choices. But overall I tend to have more people tell me they would rather have a home birth if they could.

In the last ten years I'd say it's a lot more common to run into people who are homebirth friendly or know someone 'who did the same thing and she loved it'.

So yeah, I just don't get defensive anymore and if someone says they think I'm crazy I just look at them and ask them why. They tend to stammer and realize they don't know much about homebirth at all! 


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#3 of 7 Old 06-21-2012, 05:11 AM
 
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Before, we just didn't tell anyone.

Afterwards, well, I just don't enter into a discussion on it.  If it someone I know will have a strong opinion I usually stick with our "it all happened so fast" back story.

I honestly can't be bothered to debate it with people, unless they have done their research on UC.  Which they haven't unless they are pro-UC anyway.


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#4 of 7 Old 06-21-2012, 06:20 AM
 
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I think the way I present it when asked (perhaps my wording, perhaps my tone when I speak) keeps people from giving negative feedback, because I don't recall that I've ever received any.  I seriously get the impression that people are afraid to say anything at all. 

 

Which sucks, actually, because when somebody has a birth that society-at-large is more comfortable with, they get to talk about their births, get asked questions, get to feel special for bringing life into the world.  I hear women quizzed at length about their c-sections and inductions and epidurals and dilation and all that jazz, and I can tell the mom who just gave birth feels awesome to be able to talk about this important thing that just happened to her, to have so many people interested in her experience.

 

But with me, when I say something about "oh, we just delivered her ourselves at home," people just clam up and I get the strong impression that people are uncomfortable discussing it.  This is true even with close friends/family who are generally supportive of my choice to UC (that I can tell, anyways).  It makes me lonely, sometimes, because I would like to discuss it.

 

So...I'm no help with the negative feedback thing at all, as it turns out.  :(
 


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#5 of 7 Old 06-22-2012, 02:46 PM
 
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I used to be very outgoing about the homebirth/UC topic, but quickly learned that it's best to just not bring it up.

If someone asks, I'll say "I'm not a fan of having an audience", or if they say the wow you're brave thing I'll say "Actually I'm not brave enough to birth in a hospital."

I have a couple outspoken friends and family members who have absolutely no tact and will drag me into conversations where the talk of even just an un-medicated birth is NOT welcome LOL  but I try really hard to stress that it's what's best for *me* and that no, I don't think HB/UC is for everyone and anyone and the only way to go.

 

If anyone pushes the subject, I will point out that it's statistically just as safe (if not safer), that I have very low-risk pregnancies, and that I only labour when I am 100% comfortable with my surroundings.  I'll also offer statistics, references and books if they are really interested. Sometimes they just want to hear that it's a well-informed decision and that I'm not just doing it to be a rebel.

 

I think the only time I've really been thrown off is when a neighbor's mother just bluntly asked "So, did you give birth squatting or standing up?"  I kind of sputtered because nobody has ever asked for specific details like that! :-)  In fact, hardly anyone knows even what room my babies have been born in. But she was well meaning and very pro-home birth/natural birth. It was still awkward because my neighbor herself had three C/S and her MIL implied that that was inferior, which is precisely what I don't want people to feel.


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#6 of 7 Old 06-26-2012, 06:44 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sapientia View Post

Well I used to really care about what people thought-I felt like I needed approval or needed to 'prove' how it was better in most cases, etc. (not saying you feel like you need approval, lol!) Now I bring it up only if someone asks and I don't take a defensive stance-I just act like it means nothing to me if they think I'm nuts or not-I may tell them to do the research, or that I can't imagine medicalizing an event that rarely needs it...or I'd rather take my chances with my house germs over hospital germs, or maybe say that I prefer not to give birth in an environment where I most likely won't be able to make my own choices. But overall I tend to have more people tell me they would rather have a home birth if they could.

In the last ten years I'd say it's a lot more common to run into people who are homebirth friendly or know someone 'who did the same thing and she loved it'.

So yeah, I just don't get defensive anymore and if someone says they think I'm crazy I just look at them and ask them why. They tend to stammer and realize they don't know much about homebirth at all! 

What she said!

 

I got a lot of heat before I had the twins, because I planned on having them unassisted.  I got less heat after I actually had them unassisted.  Before, I'd present my case with facts and my opinions on birth.  I'd have long, drawn out arguments on how "safe" it is and whether or not it's selfish or irresponsible.  In the end, no one really agrees.  What it comes down to is, "This is what works for me."  It's my choice, not theirs.  Most people I know IRL respect that.

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#7 of 7 Old 06-26-2012, 06:46 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tizzy View Post

 if they say the wow you're brave thing I'll say "Actually I'm not brave enough to birth in a hospital."

 

 I try really hard to stress that it's what's best for *me* and that no, I don't think HB/UC is for everyone and anyone and the only way to go.

 

If anyone pushes the subject, I will point out that it's statistically just as safe (if not safer), that I have very low-risk pregnancies, and that I only labour when I am 100% comfortable with my surroundings.  I'll also offer statistics, references and books if they are really interested. Sometimes they just want to hear that it's a well-informed decision and that I'm not just doing it to be a rebel.

 

All of this.  In fact, I have told people that same line.  Lol.

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