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#1 of 16 Old 07-05-2012, 09:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am only 7 weeks so I'm hoping I have lots and lots of time to educate my husband. I won't do a u/c against his wishes; I had wanted to the last time, and he just didn't feel up to the responsibility of caring for me, a newborn, and our other children while trying to fill a birth pool etc. I respected his needs, but in the end my needs were ignored and I had a very, very traumatic birth which took at least 9 months of mental and spiritual recovery. I may write more about it at some point. Everything went well physically but my son was born dark purple and refusing to breathe, and eventually I realized he was probably exhibiting my feelings of being suffocated, belittled, attacked. (It was all very subtle and not even on purpose, it just wasn't a good day.)

 

So.

 

My first birth was wonderful, I had two great midwives, and they really helped me with encouragement when I was getting scared and feeling helpless. I do credit them with getting me through that first birth, but once I understood what labor was all about, I felt like I could do it on my own.

 

The idea that we really could have an unassisted birth didn't become forefront until we were expecting our 4th; with my 2nd and 3rd I had a secret and almost subconscious wish to be alone the whole time. Both times I remember telling my husband NOT to call our midwives yet. I just knew intuitively that I could labor better without interference. I am very introverted and pensive and slow-to-think, and distractions throw me out of my track. Particularly in labor, I am so very open and any movement or sound in the world pulls me away from my focus.

 

I began reading more and more unassisted birth stories while pregnant with my 4th, knowing it was what I needed to do, but as I said before my husband told me he didn't think he could handle it, and he was actually the one who pressed me to initiate prenatal care with a midwife, toward the end of my 1st tri.

 

The day I went into labor, I just needed to be alone. But he wanted to call our midwife right away - my babies come fast, and we were experiencing a snow storm. I remembered his feeling of being inadequate in the face of an emergency, or even just a normal birth with a pool to fill (which I didn't even want anyway, though our 3rd was a beautiful and perfect water birth). Because of those circumstances, I allowed him to call our m/w, but I just felt crushed and defeated by that point. The labor stalled, it wasn't strong, I still managed to have a 2.5 hour birth total with only a few pushes, but.... it was torment. The whole time I felt my needs were being dismissed, I felt my body wanting to stand during labor and the delivery, even though all my other babies were born while I was on my knees. But all the commotion... I ignored my own intuitions and just did what I thought everyone else wanted me to do. Why? I guess I just gave up. Looking back I know the contractions would have been stronger and better in a standing position.

 

The birth was very hard. I pushed too hard, just to be done with the hateful process. For the first time I gave myself hemorrhoids. Then the midwives stripped my tops off so I could have skin-to-skin... in front of my teenagers! I was devastated and humiliated but I let them do it because in labor, my mind was different and I didn't know how to speak up for myself. Me, who wanted to be a midwife, who has attended births as a doula, who has had lovely homebirths and believes in natural childbirth to the core, didn't know how to communicate to my midwives that I wanted to keep my shirt on. Nobody even offered me a towel when I got out of the pool. 

 

I know I said I would write about this some other time, in the healing birth trauma forum I guess. The whole story really is much longer. I'll stop now. :)

 

 

For the past few weeks I've been trying to figure out what to do about this pregnancy, but when I have time alone, in the night, in the quiet, the truth comes to me: I need to labor alone. Hiring another midwife will still bring in all the distractions that stop me up. Having a hospital birth seems silly and certainly wouldn't afford me alone-ness, though I wondered if I might have a stronger voice talking to nurse-strangers, rather than a midwife whom I have known for years and don't want to offend. (I know, my birth, it shouldn't matter if I offend someone....)

 

 

I just ordered the book Unassisted Homebirth and I'm looking forward to reading it. Also reading women's unassisted stories helps me confirm what I need to do.

 

So I just need to talk to my husband, gently, rarely, but let him know I just can't do this again with interference.

 

So here I am. :)


 

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#2 of 16 Old 07-07-2012, 06:48 AM
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hug2.gif Your post touched me so deeply I wanted to post to give you a hug and support. As you say, you have plenty of time to think it through and discuss with your husband. Happy, healthy pregnancy and birth wishes to you! 


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#3 of 16 Old 07-07-2012, 09:49 AM
 
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My sentiments are so completely in line with yours! And there are some strong paralels in emotion despite me having a far easier, happier experience in some ways than you. When I was pregnant with #4 and having my first unassisted pregnancy and second unassisted birth I realized that I'd rather run off and crap my baby out in the woods behind my house like a bear, alone than let my husband tell me who would attend or how it would be done. As it was, he was there for me, like he was for the first free birth we had together and it was my first painless labor and nearly painless pushing stage, even with my little ones around me in the daytime.

 

My first two births really drilled it into my head that I hate being observed in labor. Not surrounded by my own family, I'm talking about friends and midwives coming over to track my progress and support me, even if they do it exactly as I direct them to. Because what I want is simply for them not to be there. It always slows my contractions and makes them painful. And I thought my midwife was the best the world could offer!

 

But God made Adam the first midwife. I discovered the wonderful, amazing power of couple oriented birth to bond us together in ways that made me feel like that day was more heart-captivating than the day we got married. I truly feel deeply, madly in love with him the day of our first unhindered birth, in a way I had never felt before. Every birth makes me love him more for being there for me and giving me the mountaintop births I've always felt I needed! Heck, maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, or maybe it's the depth of my emotions as I type this but I'm actually crying, something I rarely do at the computer these days when typing.

 

I really, really hope that your next babymoon is also your second honeymoon.

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#4 of 16 Old 07-07-2012, 03:08 PM
 
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Hey,

 

For my husband, it was just fear from not knowing what was expected. I think part of it too, was that he is a man of action, and the idea of sitting while I'm having a baby, was just too much, he had to know what to do.

 

Our first UC was 'accidental', I didn't let him know how things were progressing until it was further along. By the time he called the midwife, I was in transition, and it was lovely.


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#5 of 16 Old 07-07-2012, 06:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much for the support, friends. Wow, Cynthia Mosher! I'm honored. :) I don't know if I've ever seen you post much! I was a member here a long time ago.

 

Jess, yes you echo a few things I feel too. I guess I didn't expect my 4th to go so badly, because with my 2nd and 3rd, my midwife showed up when I was already

pushing/about to start pushing, and it was "okay," so I figured this would be too. But I've always had that deep wish to be alone, the desire not to call anyone to help

until the very end. Even with #3, when my midwife showed up and I was at the end of transition, my contractions stopped, and it was also very awkward for me as

I tried to get into the birth tub with some sense of modesty. (They didn't offer me a towel after that water birth either, hello?)

 

I know I need to be alone. My husband said, "But I'm not an expert!" which is really funny, because we are so self-sufficient. Granted we don't have our own farm yet,

which seems to be the trend these days, but homebirthing all our kids, homeschooling, home brewing, he works from home, and we generally don't see doctors. Maybe

a ND from time to time. He certainly would never want me to birth in a hospital unless there were a truly important reason for being there. I think he will come around. I sure hope

so. I need to remind him what birth is about. Even though we've been through this so many times, he really doesn't know all of the workings of a birthing woman: the

hormonal need for privacy and feeling safe, the way a baby communicates to the mother, the way positioning works and how it can change during labor, and how the mother needs to focus entirely on that and not be distracted by people observing, like you said even if they are lovely people... 

 

And it's important to carry this all through the post-partum time as well. Though I didn't technically hemorrhage with my last birth, there sure was a lot more blood than I had ever seen, and it kept coming out while I kept feeling unloved, disrespected, humiliated, stripped of my dignity. I need to remind him, or teach him if he doesn't already know, how connected the emotional health of the mother is to the physical health of the baby. 


 

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#6 of 16 Old 07-07-2012, 08:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by margarita b View Post

Thanks so much for the support, friends. Wow, Cynthia Mosher! I'm honored. :) I don't know if I've ever seen you post much! I was a member here a long time ago.

 

Jess, yes you echo a few things I feel too. I guess I didn't expect my 4th to go so badly, because with my 2nd and 3rd, my midwife showed up when I was already

pushing/about to start pushing, and it was "okay," so I figured this would be too. But I've always had that deep wish to be alone, the desire not to call anyone to help

until the very end. Even with #3, when my midwife showed up and I was at the end of transition, my contractions stopped, and it was also very awkward for me as

I tried to get into the birth tub with some sense of modesty. (They didn't offer me a towel after that water birth either, hello?)

 

I know I need to be alone. My husband said, "But I'm not an expert!" which is really funny, because we are so self-sufficient. Granted we don't have our own farm yet,

which seems to be the trend these days, but homebirthing all our kids, homeschooling, home brewing, he works from home, and we generally don't see doctors. Maybe

a ND from time to time. He certainly would never want me to birth in a hospital unless there were a truly important reason for being there. I think he will come around. I sure hope

so. I need to remind him what birth is about. Even though we've been through this so many times, he really doesn't know all of the workings of a birthing woman: the

hormonal need for privacy and feeling safe, the way a baby communicates to the mother, the way positioning works and how it can change during labor, and how the mother needs to focus entirely on that and not be distracted by people observing, like you said even if they are lovely people... 

 

And it's important to carry this all through the post-partum time as well. Though I didn't technically hemorrhage with my last birth, there sure was a lot more blood than I had ever seen, and it kept coming out while I kept feeling unloved, disrespected, humiliated, stripped of my dignity. I need to remind him, or teach him if he doesn't already know, how connected the emotional health of the mother is to the physical health of the baby. 


 Oh, I can help with THAT.

 

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/06/120628181739.htm

 

Father involvement has also been shown to be protective;

 

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/06/100617111245.htm

 

The point here is that if the father is a rock to the mother, not a source of stress (well - even a little stress is better than no man!) then the mother stays calmer and happier. How much more so must it be true when the father learns how to give the best support possible?

 

My husband is literally insulating me from the normal stresses of life with 5 active normally noisy, boisterous children, helping me eat, basically being my pregnancy life coach every day. It's so impressive! He knows this is what I need, not scans and worriers. He's not even letting me do normal chores! He's taking pregnancy to an extreme sport to keep up with what looks like more than one baby gestating.

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#7 of 16 Old 07-08-2012, 02:54 PM
 
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Hi  :)

I hope you can convince your husband - in fact I am sure you will!  My DH had the usual concerns about safety that we all have at first - those are easily remedied by a little research.  It sounds like your DH is more concerned with the practicalities.  Can you have someone else there to manage the other kids?  My Mum came to stay, and even though I can't imagine anything worse than having her in the room while I was laboring, it all went perfectly.  The boys slept right through it, but she had the baby monitor and was ready to whisk them off if they woke up.

Like you said, having a pool is not essential.  We decided it wasn't worth the bother this time.  There was actually very little to organise once I went into labor - cover the bed and rug with waterproof covers, make sure the phones are charged and emergency stuff is in the car.  That was it.

Baby boy was born three hours later, after neither of us having even left the bedroom :lol:  Simple!

Good luck!


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#8 of 16 Old 07-09-2012, 10:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You know what is so funny... well, we never really needed help w/ the other kids, my births have all been so easy, but this time I was thinking, just in case, now who could we get to come for a few hours if it's a daytime birth?

 

And then I recall that I have a lovely almost 16-yo daughter and a lovely almost 14yo son who can easily read a book, find a movie, get a snack, whatever the 2yo needs. 

 

So there we are. Totally self-sufficient and encapsulated! :) 


 

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#9 of 16 Old 08-22-2012, 09:16 AM
 
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This is a great thread!

We're expecting our first and have been seeing a midwifery service (appointments rotating with three different ones and / or their assstants).

Late second tri I told hubs I thought the prenatal care they provide was something I could do on my own and that next time that is what I intend to do.

The reason we chose this particular service was because during our consultation I voiced my interest in consulting with them through pregnancy and having the on call nearby "in the event". They were agreeable to this, but now it appears to have only been lip service.

I've had birth methods pushed on me repeatedly - everything from Bradley, hypno to something called Baby or Birth Boot Camp. I declined stating it is not in line with my sensibilities. Why take a class on something I inherently know how to do? I'd rather combat any fear by educating myself on the physiological aspects of birth. Despite this I am still asked at each appontment whether I have taken a class yet. When I say no I get the distinct feeling that they are thinking, "when the time comes you'll wish you had".

Last appointment I was asked how I pictured birth would go. I was frank and stated my preference to labor and birth alone with the option to ask for assistance if I found it necessary and have help afterwards with making sure the baby and I were okay. They insisted that I page them at 7-1-1, that they would head over then, do a cervical check and start monitoring the baby. They said if I needed them to, they would only listen once every half hour. I was given a list of supplies as well as snacks to have handy for them stating that one of them is alleergic to fish. I'm guessing they intend to camp out and heard little (or ignored all) of what I said.

Now, after more research I realize they are obligated to monitor, etc. and am leaning toward paging them closer to crowning, if at all. I don't want anyone rushing in to "take over". I want to cut the cord and have the first go at checking out my baby. I don't want anyone telling me when or how to push, breathe, sit, stand, lay, etc. If a true emergency develops the hospital is three blocks away.

I already have the custom birth kit they requested, which has more than enough supplies. My main concern at this point is hubs. I'd given him The Birth Partner to read while I read Heart & Hands. He already has a hard enough time with me vomiting, so I'm not anticipating too much from him during birth. Lol.

I finally told him yesterday that I don't intend to page them until maybe after the fact. I don't think I've ever seen fear course through someone so swiftly! I understand it. He doesn't want anything to go wrong - especially something that could have been avoided. He's older and has wanted a baby much longer than I have, telling me many times how he didn't think he'd ever meet anyone he wanted kids with until he met me. Everyday he talks about how life will be with her here. Because of that part of me feels selfish for wanting this.

Five or six more weeks to go! I'm still wrestling with submitting to monitoring that will likely turn into more intervening so that he doesn't have worry or possible resentment, or allowing myself the privacy that I know is necessary in order for me to have a satisfactory experience.
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#10 of 16 Old 08-22-2012, 01:10 PM
 
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AnaKat-Good luck and good for you for being vocal about what is important to you during birth. Hopefully your husband will be able to move past his fear, all in all I hope all works out the way you would like it to and that you have the birth of your dreams!!


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#11 of 16 Old 08-24-2012, 08:53 AM
 
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Thank you, darkblue!

He actually came to me after he got home from work and told me he'd thought about it all day and realized it's ultimately my choice. That, and he's not been able to stop me from doing anything I want to do before and can see my mind is made up. He said he will be there to support me however I wish even if that means leaving me be (him reading The Birth Partner was a good choice)!

He reiterated his concerns about an emergency and asked that if I feel anything off then tell him immediately so he can help or transport.

I was stunned that he came around so fast, since he's the designated worrier of the house. But he's also the primary "caretaker" (when our kitten had a fever he slept bundled with him on his chest under a blanket to help him sweat it out. He wouldn't even get up to pee all night because he didn't want to disturb him.)

It's amazing how much more relaxed I feel about our upcoming birth now that I have his support.
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Thank you, darkblue!
He actually came to me after he got home from work and told me he'd thought about it all day and realized it's ultimately my choice. That, and he's not been able to stop me from doing anything I want to do before and can see my mind is made up. He said he will be there to support me however I wish even if that means leaving me be (him reading The Birth Partner was a good choice)!
He reiterated his concerns about an emergency and asked that if I feel anything off then tell him immediately so he can help or transport.
I was stunned that he came around so fast, since he's the designated worrier of the house. But he's also the primary "caretaker" (when our kitten had a fever he slept bundled with him on his chest under a blanket to help him sweat it out. He wouldn't even get up to pee all night because he didn't want to disturb him.)
It's amazing how much more relaxed I feel about our upcoming birth now that I have his support.

That is wonderful mama!!! joy.gifjoy.gifjoy.gifjoy.gifjoy.gifjoy.gif Now you can relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy! Good luck!!


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#13 of 16 Old 09-01-2012, 08:32 PM
 
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This is an amazing thread. It's really inspiring. I just wanted to say thanks to the OP and everyone who posted.

 

I was born at home and had my daughter at home with a midwife and doula. The doula was more of her assistant and just sat in the corner keeping things tidy. My midwife was awesome and left me alone to do it. She never intervened, unless it was to massage certain areas or teach my hubby where to push on my back to stop the small pain. They were both very considerate of me and my privacy (as much as they could), started a bath for me after the birth and cleaned up. She really was the perfect midwife, but I know we will most likely move to another state before we have other kids... That's one of the reasons I'm thinking of doing it unassisted next time. What are my chances of finding another amazing midwife like her, you know?

 

I feel like so many of you now, that we could easily do it ourselves. I've heard that some moms have midwives stay in other rooms "just in case", but ultimately do the birth on their own. This is definitely something my hubby would feel more comfortable with, just in case.

 

Have you guys thought of this?

Are any of you concerned of doing a water birth without a midwife? It seems like many of you choose not to have one the second time. I loved my water birth. 

Anyone do a water birth unassisted?

 

I'm just curious as I probably won't read the books until I'm pregnant, so it's fresh in mind. Plus many of you have different experiences and it really helps me think of other things. :)

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I've heard that some moms have midwives stay in other rooms "just in case", but ultimately do the birth on their own. This is definitely something my hubby would feel more comfortable with, just in case.

 

Have you guys thought of this?

Are any of you concerned of doing a water birth without a midwife? It seems like many of you choose not to have one the second time. I loved my water birth. 

Anyone do a water birth unassisted?

I would definitely choose the have a midwife present in another room, if that were a possibility.  Unfortunately we don't have home birth midwives where I live.

I didn't use the birth pool this time, mainly because I hadn't told my Mum we were intending to UC and the pool might have been a slight tip-off lol.gif  I would use it next time though.


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#15 of 16 Old 09-03-2012, 05:22 PM
 
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I would definitely choose the have a midwife present in another room, if that were a possibility.  Unfortunately we don't have home birth midwives where I live.

I didn't use the birth pool this time, mainly because I hadn't told my Mum we were intending to UC and the pool might have been a slight tip-off lol.gif  I would use it next time though.

 

That's unfortunate you don't have the option for a home birth midwife, as you sound like you would have liked to have one present. May I ask why? What is your reasoning? I'm just very curious to learn the thought behind decisions from others who have experienced this type of thing. You get so much new information you might not have otherwise thought about. So thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

I completely understand why the birth pool would have tipped your mom off. Lol. 

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#16 of 16 Old 09-04-2012, 02:20 PM
 
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That's unfortunate you don't have the option for a home birth midwife, as you sound like you would have liked to have one present. May I ask why? What is your reasoning?

I would like the midwife, not so much for labor and birth - we had that down this time  ;)  But it would have been nice to have someone do the newborn check and not have to go to hospital for stitching.  Unfortunately I have needed pretty extensive stitching with all of my births.  Oh yeah, also my placenta didn't deliver for about 6 hours.  Honestly I would have just had the shot to get it over with, had I had the opportunity.


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