Were you 100% at peace? - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-22-2012, 07:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We're planning to UC for a number of reasons. I can easily say that if it were right after our HBAC, I wouldn't have any doubt or fear that I could do this. But...since my HBAC I have had two losses (one at 14 weeks and one at 15 weeks). Both of those births were induced and required a trip to the OR for retained placenta. In both cases, the placenta had detached but my cervix had already closed too far for them to come out. 

 

I will be 17 weeks tomorrow. I'm feeling okay and have been caring for myself appropriately. DH is very supportive and on board. I'm actually quite at peace about the idea of a UC, but there seems to be this fear or doubt niggling in the back of my mind. There are 2 main fears I have. Either the placenta won't release and I will require transfer/intervention or the baby will be malpositioned in some way (hand by face or breech, OP doesn't bother me because my last baby was OP) and I will have a difficult birth that would require a small amount of assistance if a midwife were here. But it doesn't feel like a "you can't have a UC because these things will happen" but more of a "what if" kind of fear/doubt. I am a L&D nurse (although I haven't practiced in the hospital for a few years), so I know that I could recognize issues if I were caring for a client, but I'm not sure I'm going to have presence of mind to assess it in myself. 

 

We are just a few blocks from a small county hospital (staffed by family practice docs), but far (an hour) from any OB type care.

 

I guess my question is were you 100% at peace, no doubts/no fears before you decided/had a UC? How did you deal with it, if or when fears cropped up during your pregnancy or birth?  


Wife to a wonderful husband, mom to 5 amazing boys, 2 m/c and Knox Cornelius our 5th son born at 15weeks 12/3/2011, Lillian Faith our 1st daughter, born at 14 weeks May 19, 2012 (Turner Syndrome). 

 
           
 
 
 
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Old 10-23-2012, 10:35 AM
 
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With our UC I did get that perfect feeling of peace-prayed a lot for it, and got it...and the birth was fabulous. I believe that sometimes our own doubt can cloud us, and sometimes it's a warning. What works for me is to be really still and work out the foundation and reality of every fear that I have and if I  can't get 'clarity' on something no matter how hard  I pray/meditate/work out the foundation of why I am frightened...then something is telling me not to do it alone. That's what happened with our last two. While nothing was horribly 'wrong' there were a couple small things that had we been alone for, would have stressed me to no end (meconium and longer pushing stage than I've ever had with the last baby). So while I had a feeling, it wasn't for the safety of the baby or of the birth, it was for my own tendency to worry over what was ultimately within the range of normal. :)  Hope it all works out!


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Old 10-23-2012, 11:10 AM
 
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I definitely have peace about the decision, but I'm only 11 weeks into this pregnancy.

 

I did want to share that my last birth (a HBAC) was very easy, much easier than I expected and he had that Nuchal arm that you mentioned as a fear. I hardly had to push him out at all and it was only 20 mins of what seemed like hardly any work before he came out. I did get a few skid marks thanks to the elbow, but nothing that needed any treatment afterwards. I had though I would push on hands & knees, but only lasted 1 push that way as my whole being screamed at me to moved onto my side. So I pushed on my right side, and that probably contributed to the lack of damage by that arm/elbow. It was this experience of hearing my body telling me what to do that has given me the confidence to do this new pregnancy & birth without assistance.

 

DH and I have already discussed that it will be a birth by birth decision, and if I ever feel uncomfortable enough with going unassisted then at that point we will seek out a care provider.

 

Right now I'm just really happy that DH has finally reached a place where he is comfortable with this decision, and fully supportive too.


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Old 10-23-2012, 11:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am really thankful DH is super supportive. I feel peaceful and okay with the decision but there are just those "what if" kinds of things that pop up. It's hard to describe. I think for me, part of it comes from being a definite type A kind of person and I like to have a plan. I like to be able to visualize what will happen and how it will go. I struggled with that for my last homebirth too. I was comfortable with it, but had trouble visualizing what my birth would look like and how it would go so I had some fear about the unknown more than anything I think. I think that tends to be a big part of it for me now. 

 

I also know that with as busy as DH is with his job, even though he is supportive, he may not be able to do as much reading or preparing for this birth as *I* would like. I want to feel like he is prepared, I plan on talking to him about it and seeing if we can have a plan. :) Our last live birth was so beautiful and quick that there wasn't much for him to do so I'm not sure if he understands his responsibility this time completely. My HBAC was an unplanned unassisted birth because things went so quickly. 

 

I think too, that I'm in such a different place this time. My view of pregnancy has been tainted by the loss of my two pregnancies in the last year. But I feel the need to UC this time. Partly because I know in the hospital I wouldn't have a fair shake at having a VBAC, partly because there are no midwives where I am but also because I feel like I need this to heal. To remind myself that I am not broken and I can do this. I know too, that I need a very hands off approach. I was telling my mom, who is surprisingly okay with the idea of a UC, that I just need a low stress pregnancy and birth. I don't want to deal with the stress of intervention, intrusion and just the "stuff" that comes with the health care system. I need this to be very laid back. 

 

Thanks for you input, I guess I'm just processing it all. Trying to reconcile my "traditional" medical training to my "untraditional" plan as well as past experiences with pregnancy and birth. It's hard to let go of things that have been so ingrained. Thanks for listening and helping me work through it. 


Wife to a wonderful husband, mom to 5 amazing boys, 2 m/c and Knox Cornelius our 5th son born at 15weeks 12/3/2011, Lillian Faith our 1st daughter, born at 14 weeks May 19, 2012 (Turner Syndrome). 

 
           
 
 
 
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Old 10-23-2012, 04:25 PM
 
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This is my third pregnancy (that made it this far).  We are planning a homebirth for this kiddo as well, but it might end up being a UC due to how fast my previous labors were and how far the mw has to drive.  My last birth was a text-book perfect UC.  That was five years ago though and I have had a late loss since then as well.  And this is our last baby for sure, and I think I'm just a slightly different person than I was five years ago.  Birth was also very fresh to me then, as my first child was born just 10 months before my UC - so less than a year had passed, and I was still in a perfect mindset for a UC.  At the start of this pregnancy I was seriously considering a hospital birth with an OB just because, I dunno.  I felt like I had wussed out a bit.  But as the pregnancy went on I became more comfortable with it again.  I switched care providers to a midwife, and now I'm just more and more at peace with the fact that yes, it likely WILL end up being a UC again.  And I'm OK with that.  100%?  No. I look at my existing children and KNOW how precious they are to me and I couldn't imagine life without them.  And my previous loss hurt me in a lot of ways...  But, I am getting to a peaceful place.

 

Incidentally my son was born with a nuchal hand.  That was the mw attended birth, my first.  The mw did nothing to help; I think she actually made it worse by "suggesting" helpfully positions for me to push in that did not feel good or natural.  He was really stuck.  When I had enough of it, I told her to F off basically, and pushed how *I* wanted to instinctually... and out he came in about two more pushes.  (This after 2.5 hours of pushing.)  That was one of the reasons, actually, that I *did* UC my daughter! 

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Old 10-23-2012, 07:26 PM
 
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I can totally relate to your view of pregnancy being tainted (from loss) and yet needing UC.  I'm there too.

 

This will actually be my 3rd UC (Lord-willing!), but I'm less at peace with this one than I was with my last two...I think I have some PTSD from my last 2 years of so many losses and it's really affected me.  But I still have no reason to believe that I cannot do it again.  I feel SO MUCH WORSE when I'm tied to a medical professional who wants to push me through just like everyone else, do unnecessary testing, treat me like a number and like I have an illness, and limit me to how I can birth.  (I also don't have a huge variety of health care providers- midwives included- to choose from here, or that may be different if I had someone I could totally trust)  But really, I feel healthier and safer overall doing it myself (because my monitoring of myself blows their monitoring out of the water..I mean, honestly.  I know my body better, I can gauge changes better, I monitor more frequently and consistently, etc).  I do think I can say that with my 2nd UC I was 100% at peace. With my first I was close, but it being a new experience and all...well, that's probably the only thing I had on me.

 

This time though I'm still far more comfortable with doing it at home than elsewhere.  I feel like a midwife assisted homebirth or a birth center would defeat the purpose, because if I need care, it's going to be something they can't provide here and would have to transfer me for anyway.  Like always though, we will pray about it regularly.  I definitely believe God will lead us to the appropriate care if we need it. 


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Old 10-23-2012, 08:38 PM
 
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I feel like a midwife assisted homebirth or a birth center would defeat the purpose, because if I need care, it's going to be something they can't provide here and would have to transfer me for anyway.   

 

This.  I do have a homebirth midwife booked but to be honest it's not that I want her at my birth.  I really don't.  If she was going to be in the house, I would prefer she be in a completely different room.  (She wouldn't agree to this, but whatever.)  I still don't want someone to be observing me and measuring my progress and giving me suggestions and coming into my house and my turf as a point of authority.  None of that sounds thrilling to me.

 

BUT... I like midwifery prenatal care better than OB care, and I have gotten care with them for mostly liability reasons.  I don't think it's *necessary* to go to an appointment and get weighed and asked if I'm hydrated.  I think it's a bit of a hassle.  But gosh, if something WERE to go off kilter, and let's say I had to check in at the hospital... I much rather would avoid the whole "you didn't get prenatal care from a professional?!" bit.  Or when people ask about our plans, I want to say, yeah, we're going with a licensed pro, blah blah.  I might be confident about UC-ing (to the degree you can be confident in it) but I'm not quite so blase about opening our family for judgment from, mostly, CPS, the law, etc.

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Old 10-23-2012, 08:50 PM
 
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But gosh, if something WERE to go off kilter, and let's say I had to check in at the hospital... I much rather would avoid the whole "you didn't get prenatal care from a professional?!" bit.  Or when people ask about our plans, I want to say, yeah, we're going with a licensed pro, blah blah.  I might be confident about UC-ing (to the degree you can be confident in it) but I'm not quite so blase about opening our family for judgment from, mostly, CPS, the law, etc.

 

This worries me as well, but I feel it's a lose-lose either way.  It seems like there are horror stories from each side- going in after no "professional" prenatal care, as well as UC'ing after prenatal care (mostly though in cases where mom's went in after the birth or for a PP checkup or something...neither of which I'd do, BUT I also have to be careful of "burning bridges" where I live since I have so few options, and if I did have an emergency, I wouldn't want to end up with a doc who was holding something against me!  Eek.).  I always keep very detailed records on medical or midwifery forms, so that if I needed to go in at least I could present those, but I've asked on here recently (and in the past, I think) about if anyone has ever actually had to present those records AND had a good response to them, but haven't had any feedback from experiences.  I just can't imagine them taking my records seriously, even if I said they were copies of "my midwife's" records or something.


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Old 10-23-2012, 09:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, to tell you the truth *they* can't force you to get care although it does change how they view things. Is it better to not get prenatal care and go in if something happens or is it better to start care with someone and then stop because you have a UC? Where I live, there is no middle ground. I either go with an OB or I do it myself. I personally think that if I were to get care with an OB and then have an "oops" or just stop going all together, it would be viewed rather poorly. Simply because fast labors and births are often thought to be associated with cocaine abuse. Additionally, just dropping care isn't viewed in a positive light either. So for me, I feel like it is less risky to do my own care, keep good records, and only go in if I need it. I have been seen in early pregnancy (6 weeks) by an OB before we moved. 

 

People who don't agree with your birth choices are going to be combative with your choices anyway. My husband is a pastor and I plan on telling people when they ask (and they do) that I'm seeing a midwife. A friend of mine in the community tells people when they ask that she is seeing Dr. Michaels (their last name is Michaels) and to be honest, most people don't even put it together. 

 

I'm no doing anything illegal or wrong. I am simply making the choice that I think is best for my family and my baby. And to be honest, they watch you just as closely in the hospital. 


Wife to a wonderful husband, mom to 5 amazing boys, 2 m/c and Knox Cornelius our 5th son born at 15weeks 12/3/2011, Lillian Faith our 1st daughter, born at 14 weeks May 19, 2012 (Turner Syndrome). 

 
           
 
 
 
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Old 10-24-2012, 12:24 AM
 
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I wasn't perfectly at peace but I was completely accepting of it. There was always that ligering doubt, the "what ifs", the random fear here and there and they didn't all magically go away on the day of birth. What helped was knowing in my gut that it was the right choice for me and my baby. That gut knowing made any fear pale in comparison. That intuitive knowing helped me prepare as best I could, mentally, emotionally and physically for the big day. Whenever a fear came up I would research what to do if it happened and the likelihood of it occurring. More often than not I saw that very rarely is there an issue too big for me to handle on my own and the issue is because of interventions. That knowledge alone helped calm my fears immensely. It sounds like the hardest part for you is not knowing for sure that everything will be okay. Unfortunately there's just no way to know that, I wish there was but the best I've found is listening to my gut for answers. Your gut will tell you if a fear you're having is warranted or if it's just a passing mental thing. Meditation and yoga helped me a lot with learning how to listen to myself, being in nature is great for that too.
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Old 10-24-2012, 06:12 AM
 
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My first birth, I got excellent prenatal care (by the OB's standards) and had a birth center birth (in a hospital, no less) and they STILL tested me for drug abuse because the labor was only five hours, DS was LBW (despite their documented proof that I had medical issues during pregnancy), and he was a bit shakey.  Of course I was drug free, but they were suspicious anyway.

 

My second birth (the UC) was a 1.5 hour labor from start to finish, and only half an hour of that was "real" labor.  I went to get checked out by the hospital just because I didn't want them to be more suspicious of me.  We lived in a rough neighborhood, I was a younger mom, I was on Medicaid, etc.  It didn't look good for me on paper - but of course I was healthy, baby was healthy, and that was that.  No drugs involved.

 

It was humiliating and degrading to be tested for drug use with my firstborn.  I was furious.  But at the same time I had nothing to hide, so... what were they going to do?  And I guess it turned out for the best because now my history of fast births is something that I can bring up in case of an oops.

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Old 10-24-2012, 06:16 AM
 
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I will also add that I wasn't 100% with my previous UC before it started happening.  When I was in active labor, I felt perfectly at peace with it.  If I *hadn't* I would have probably sought care.  But I just knew that things were going fine when I was in the moment.

 

That's why I'm not committing myself to a UC this time around.  If I'm NOT 100% comfortable with how things are progressing, I *will* call the mw, or I *will* go to the hospital.  If everything is going fine, I probably won't bother.  I'm not a future reader though so I can't tell yet if I will be 100% or not.

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Old 10-24-2012, 09:05 AM
 
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Yes I was totally at peace with our decision to UP/UC. I did a lot of research, discussing (with my husband), praying. I never had a bad feeling about it. Of course I was aware of the risks that could arise, but we informed ourselves on those risks and ways we could best deal with them. And in the end our peace with the choice to UC probably had a lot to do with how perfectly the birth went. I also think being 100% in tune and in agreement with your husband/partner about everything is very important.

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