Husband said yes but is angry about it - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 01-12-2013, 10:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We talked about my midwife consultation and how much it was going to cost and he said he's not delivering at home by himself. So I explained why I was concerned about a hospital birth and especially with twins and how they are automatically going to do certain things and why it's bad to babies and me. Then he started getting defensive and I asked why he was concerned about delivering at home on our own and he spouts off with the typical he's not a doctor, ect. So I addressed those and how in other states there are "professionals" (as he called them) that do do it at home. So then he yells fine, then yes. To which now I'm crying because its not a heartfelt us and he's only not doing it at home for fear. And the standard uninformed fear and he doesn't want to be informed either. I'm willing to compromise and have a midwife here but we have to pay out of pocket with no insurance reimbursement and he won't do that either. So it's either hospital to make him happy or home by myself with him here but not emotionally here.

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#2 of 9 Old 01-12-2013, 11:37 AM
 
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You poor thing. :-( How far along are you? 

I have to say this can be rather scary for a guy. My husband was scared when I suggested using a midwife with my second child. When I explained my reasoning he saw the light and with my last child he was fine with an unassisted home birth.

 

If you have some time left, then maybe you should talk to him again. Let him know that you want what's best for you and the babies and that you need his support. Maybe you can ask him what exactly he is scared of? 

 

There are many things we fear about childbirth (rational and mostly irrational). After someone mentioned it I freaked out about the baby not breathing at birth. My husband just shrugged it off and said that's what CPR is for and it's not likely anyways. He got CPR certified last summer in preparation for our birth. 

 

So chances are he is just really scared and that makes him feel defenseless and angry. I hope he'll come around for you. I wonder if it is so scary for them, because they cannot do anything. For some reasons the machines and doctors and everything provide a sense of security for a lay person (although to me they signify other things much like you probably also feel).


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#3 of 9 Old 01-12-2013, 11:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just want to update. Hubby came and apologized. He was overly upset because he was scared. He's willing to now look at everything I give him in order to prepare. I also assured him that I am continuing my prenatal care at our hospital because they are keeping extra eyes on the babies. So everything is okay now.

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#4 of 9 Old 01-12-2013, 01:38 PM
 
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Congrats on working that out with him. I don't blame him for feeling the weight of it, because it requires a level of responsibility and reasoning skills. And what is at stake is your happiness and the health of the babies.

 

I think it's a good choice he's making to support you though, since a lot of moms who are unhappy with the hospital birth experience go on to be depressed, which has been shown to alter the functions of the baby's DNA for life. So good choice on his part. His children can have less to overcome in life if their birth is a good, gentle, happy experience with unity and support.

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#5 of 9 Old 01-15-2013, 10:33 PM
 
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I'm so glad he came around! Whew! 


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#6 of 9 Old 01-15-2013, 11:00 PM
 
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Here's the report on how children respond to maternal depression genetically in infancy. http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/09/12/parents-depression-and-stress-leaves-lasting-mark-on-children-s-dna.html

 

It also explains a lot more.

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#7 of 9 Old 01-19-2013, 12:53 PM
 
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As a midwife devoted to gentle but safe birth, I would urge you to think again before deciding to give birth to twins unassisted - surely nothing is worth the risk of something happening to either you or your precious babies? Twins are much more vulnerable than singletons, and around one month less mature too. So even 37-week twins may need help with breathing. They are your husband's babies too! So take his fears seriously, and look carefully at the facts and at your motives for choosing UC. Hospital births are often gentle, and you'll have the back-up there if you need it. No one will do bad things to your or your babies, I assure you. Please reconsider, and give your babies the safest start in life.
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#8 of 9 Old 01-19-2013, 02:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Midwife123 View Post

As a midwife devoted to gentle but safe birth, I would urge you to think again before deciding to give birth to twins unassisted - surely nothing is worth the risk of something happening to either you or your precious babies? Twins are much more vulnerable than singletons, and around one month less mature too. So even 37-week twins may need help with breathing. They are your husband's babies too! So take his fears seriously, and look carefully at the facts and at your motives for choosing UC. Hospital births are often gentle, and you'll have the back-up there if you need it. No one will do bad things to your or your babies, I assure you. Please reconsider, and give your babies the safest start in life.

I'm sorry, I have to disagree here.  They follow hospital protocol, and do things with out even asking permission. Some of which ARE bad for babies.  I will not have another baby in a hospital unless one of us WOULD DIE if we did not go to the hospital.... ex: pre term labor, placental abruption, knowing that the placenta covers the cervix, or that the baby has a defect requiring immediate surgery or section to avoid further damage.

 

However, I'm not sure I would feel comfortable birthing twins unassisted and my husband is a paramedic.  My main issue would be if the first baby needed assistance breathing, DH would be busy doing that, and I would be alone to birth the second baby.  I may be having twins, currently have a midwife, and am unsure if we will keep her or go unassisted...  If twins are confirmed, I will have a lot of research to do before I decide if I want to UC.

 

Also, DD's hospital birth wiped out our savings account.  We had almost $10k saved up to purchase a house.  We had insurance, not great insurance, but insurance.  The midwife is costing $1700 with insurance and would have been over $3800 without.  Even paying for the midwife out of pocket, it may be cheaper than having a hospital birth.  Maybe find out how much a hospital birth of twins is likely to cost, then have some free consultations with midwives in your area.  It may be more affordable than you realize - as they often have payment options and decreased fees for those without insurance coverage.


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#9 of 9 Old 01-19-2013, 02:21 PM
 
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I am not saying this to dissuade you from a UC, if you truly feel that is what's best for you and your family.

But if you'd both prefer a midwife attended birth, have you reached out to some local midwives about trading part or all of your fee for services? Is there an amount you can pay? start with that. Then, What can you or your DH do? Can you sew, are you handy with tools or building, can you do landscaping work, computer skills? Can you offer childcare or secretarial type services? Most people can do something that others can't or simply don't have the time for. Some midwives will barter, and the worst that will happen is you will get a no.

Just something to think abouy
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