How do you deal with family members who are self righteously against UC? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 11 Old 03-06-2013, 02:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My brother, who disowned me about 7 years ago for reasons unknown to me, just told my mom that he is worried about me not seeing a doctor (not sure if he would even consider a midwife a "medical professional").  He learned of my desire to have a UC from my sister and her husband, who I really haven't talked with much about it either. 

 

My sister is a nurse and the mother of 3 wonderful boys.  When she asked me about my birth plans a few months back I wanted to be honest with her, so I told her I was thinking (but not that I was already decided) about having a UC.  She of course was not keen on the idea, but she didn't press her opinions on me, she only told me her concerns and told me she wanted to make sure Baby and I are healthy and happy.  She is a nurse after all and exposed to a lot of western medicine.  I was happy she didn't press the subject (she did talk to my mom once and told her all her concerns and tried to convince my mom not to allow it to happen, of course my mother tells them all that no one can get me to do anything I don't want to do).

 

So now my brother is telling my mom that he's worried about me and Baby.  When she tries to calm his fears by telling him I am a strong woman and I can do it (I do not think there is mention between my mom and brother about UC, just that no doctor or hospital will be involved), he tells her I'm an idiot, there's no way I can have a baby on my own, and he's going to call CPS on me.

 

His wife is currently pregnant, about 2 weeks further along than I am, also with their first child.  He recently sent me a text inquiring about the pregnancy and we had a small conversation about baby stuff, boy or girl, etc.  It was really nice, I thought.  It had been a long time since we had talked, especially with kind words from him.  He texted me again today asking if it's true I'm not planning on having any medical professionals at my birth, he's worried about me and Baby and Mom.  I asked him if it was true he was planning a csection because I was worried about his wife and baby being in a place where sick people go when they are diseased.  I then went on to tell him that I know he and I are different and I think he has yet to come to terms with that.  I gave him some book reading options (Childbirth Without Fear and Ina May Gaskin books) that he might want to read if he is truly concerned about my decisions.  I told him that I hope he and his wife have an amazing and beautiful birth, regardless of how different it may be from my own birth.  I told him I understand his fears being a father to be and I hope all goes well for him and that I love him dearly.

 

He tells me I'm in no place to have a child, I don't know anything about responsibility, and he hopes I don't fuck up this kids life if either of us make it through birth.

 

All of the anger aside (I am still trying to deal with his emotions and fears and hatred; I don't know where any of it stems from and I wish there was something I could to help as even the love I give him seems to get spit back in my face), I am curious if any of you have dealt with this.  Does anyone know of any laws that might prevent me from having a UC (I live in Washington State and our midwife laws are awesome!  So I am only assuming what I am doing is okay even if frowned upon by the medical community).  Can CPS even do anything?  I don't think he would actually call them, but of course it's got me worried. 

Does anyone have any links for laws by state about birth (I can only find policies that are legal standard at hospitals, but not much on homebirth and nothing on UC).

 

I am UPing as well, but I see my acupuncturist regularly and she gives me tons of advice and information (she is also my boss so I have yet to discuss UC with her, but I do plan to).  I am healthy and have had no issues or concerns.  If I did I was go see someone.  I am not opposed to transferring during labor if something does go wrong. 

 

Uggg, I know I am making safe and healthy decisions for me and Baby, even if other people don't think I am.  I just wish I didn't have to hear their opinions.  My head is constantly screaming "Don't these people know babies die in hospitals too!?!?!?!"

 

I can't help but to think about the joy it will bring me when everything in my labor goes smoothly and I have a healthy, happy, beautiful baby to show all the naysayers.  My ego will just want to stick my tongue out at them!

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#2 of 11 Old 03-07-2013, 02:37 PM
 
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I'm not sure about laws in Washington.  What is required for the birth certificate?  That could give you some indication, the difficulty level of you attaining one vs. a doctor/midwife.  If there ARE laws against it, you could always wait and see a midwife right at the end, then call her when you are pushing and just say it is all happening so fast!  She wouldn't make it in time for the birth (especially if you found the one furthest away from you: ;)  ), and you'd have your UC, and mostly a UP....?

 

Based on stories I've read, it sounds like when someone calls CPS, CPS usually talks to the parents a little, checks out the house, and leaves the parents alone... they realize after talking with the parents, that they did indeed make a well informed, research based decision for what was best for the baby/mother at that time.

 

I wouldn't let anyone know you're in labor, that way, if he does indeed call, you wont get interruptions during the event....  I'd even wait as much as a day (baby sleeps A LOT that first day, and you need to too, rather than having visitors), before letting anyone know the baby was born!

 

Good luck!  I hope he reads those books.... and decides against the scheduled csection!


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#3 of 11 Old 03-07-2013, 09:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks zapzipzee!  I think all I need for a BC is the baby and stats.  I still haven't called vital stats to get all the info, good reminder to do that this week!

 

I realized, after a day of being emotional and crying in between each and every client at work, that I really don't care what anyone thinks about my decision.  Especially not someone who is so blatantly uninformed.  I was reading some older threads in this forum and read about a lot of women just brushing off questions from outsiders.  Unfortunately I took this one so hard because it is family and my only full blooded sibling.  Anyone else telling me I can't do this on my own I would have just ignored.  His choice of words was rude and hurtful, but he also has that affect on me being my older brother by two years.  Such is our relationship.  Time to put him back in the category with everyone else who disagrees with my lifestyle. 

 

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#4 of 11 Old 03-08-2013, 12:54 AM
 
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I don't allow people to be negative about my birth choices. After my first baby, I learned not to say anything at all. I won't talk about it unless the person I talk to wants to talk about it and is positive about it. If not, I refuse to say even one word on the subject. I smile and immediately change the subject. If the person persists, then I don't speak to them. At all. Ever. If they come around later, that's great, but they don't need to be a part of my life if they are being negative. Negativity does not belong in birth, especially UC and no matter how much I love someone, it is abusing yourself and allowing them to abuse you if you continue a relationship like that during your pregnancy. I hate cutting people out, but it's really not personal. It's self-defense. You have to protect yourself and your child. When that person comes around and calms down in the future, you can build a loving relationship with them again but until they can control their fear or hatred, they don't need to be in my life.

 

I do not tell these people that I am pregnant. I do not tell them my plans. I calmly and firmly dismiss them. Do not engage. They won't come around. They just get angrier. Do not engage. I absolutely NEVER tell anyone that I am in labor. A call to a friend or family member or a post on FB can create a ripple effect, even if you tell the person to promise to keep it secret. I tell no one. They get to find out after the baby is born. Then it's too late for them to attack me. They can either get over themselves or they can shun me for life. It's their choice.

 

Be positive and invite positivity! Don't kill yourself trying to make someone understand. They won't. It's sad that it has to be that way, but as a mama, I have to protect my babies no matter what.
 


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#5 of 11 Old 03-08-2013, 06:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amberskyfire View Post

I don't allow people to be negative about my birth choices. After my first baby, I learned not to say anything at all. I won't talk about it unless the person I talk to wants to talk about it and is positive about it. If not, I refuse to say even one word on the subject. I smile and immediately change the subject. If the person persists, then I don't speak to them. At all. Ever. If they come around later, that's great, but they don't need to be a part of my life if they are being negative. Negativity does not belong in birth, especially UC and no matter how much I love someone, it is abusing yourself and allowing them to abuse you if you continue a relationship like that during your pregnancy. I hate cutting people out, but it's really not personal. It's self-defense. You have to protect yourself and your child. When that person comes around and calms down in the future, you can build a loving relationship with them again but until they can control their fear or hatred, they don't need to be in my life.

 

I do not tell these people that I am pregnant. I do not tell them my plans. I calmly and firmly dismiss them. Do not engage. They won't come around. They just get angrier. Do not engage. I absolutely NEVER tell anyone that I am in labor. A call to a friend or family member or a post on FB can create a ripple effect, even if you tell the person to promise to keep it secret. I tell no one. They get to find out after the baby is born. Then it's too late for them to attack me. They can either get over themselves or they can shun me for life. It's their choice.

 

Be positive and invite positivity! Don't kill yourself trying to make someone understand. They won't. It's sad that it has to be that way, but as a mama, I have to protect my babies no matter what.
 

 

This.

 

It is none of his business. You are under no obligation to tell him or anyone else what you are doing. You don't even have to answer his messages. But the post above says it best.

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#6 of 11 Old 04-28-2013, 11:01 AM
 
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This is my answer to people's negativity: http://www.liajoy83.blogspot.com/2012/12/if-you-want-to-talk-me-out-of-birthing.html

 

Most of them won't hear it, but I always feel better just having a clear stance in my own mind.  It sucks to hear all this BS, especially the first time around.  After 3 UCs (the first solo) most people (in person anyway. the internets a different story. lol) are intimidated enough to keep their negativity to themselves around me.  Try to remember it's his OWN stuff he's projecting & not a reflection of you (probably not even his true feelings about you) <3

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                                                           Womanhood is not a destination. It is an archaeological dig. 

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#7 of 11 Old 04-28-2013, 12:41 PM
 
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So...he hasn't even spoken to you in 7 years but he thinks he has a say in how you birth?!! Or am I misreading?
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#8 of 11 Old 04-28-2013, 04:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you lia-joy! Your words are wise and the blog post you linked to that started your commentary is interesting, to say the least. I just love it when people use mortality, whether infant or maternal, as a reason why women shouldn't UC or HB. As if no one ever dies in a hospital.

 

Stormborn, you read it right! My brother thinks I am weird for the sake of being weird and flat out told me never to contact him again when I was about 22. We have tried minimally a few times over the last few years, for my mothers sake, but he has absolutely no interest in my life other than to trash talk me. He claims to care about me and the baby, which is complete bullshit, but if that makes him feel better more power to him!

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#9 of 11 Old 06-25-2013, 10:32 AM
 
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Amen to that.
Im planning a UC birth too and ive only told my bf mum cos i want her to deliver..everyone else is too negitive and i dont wanna hear there opiions.
I hope it all goes wel for you. When you due?

Trusting in God is much more powerful than being in hospital!!!
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#10 of 11 Old 06-29-2013, 05:12 AM
 
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Gently, is this really someone you want in your life?

 

He doesn't respect you and he made it clear what he thinks of you as a person and a mother. He is not going to change. If it were me, I would cut off all contact with him immediately because maybe he won't call CPS, but do you really want to take that chance? He does not have your best interests at heart here. And is that the kind of male role model you would want the baby being exposed to? Someone who believes you are a weird irresponsible idiot? That is what your child will see you being treated like. And by allowing his presence in your life, you are saying to your child that you consent to that, that it is okay, that he is justified to believe this.

 

I say this as someone with a brother very very similar  hug.gif

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#11 of 11 Old 06-29-2013, 07:16 PM
 
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My oldest brother is like that. I ended up cutting him out several years back because he wouldnt soften his behavior. He has a lot of issues when it comes to women due to our mom's abuse. I also realized that he sees me as inferior since i'm younger, so he can take out his pain and anger on me and feel safe. I refuse to be a punching bag for him. What your brother said to you about responsibility and not messing up your kid's life if you both live through it sounds exactly like what my brother would say if he knew about my UCs. He looks for any flaw he can find in me and what i choose to do and then he twists it and makes it look as nasty and despicable as possible in order to hurt me as much as he can. He is abusive as is your brother. If i were you i would not discuss anything with him that he can hurt you with, its just not worth it.

Also, UC is legal in every state, it has to be because sometimes babies come too fast to be able to get to the hospital or for the midwife to get there in time. If CPS pays you a visit, please dont be scared, they just want to make sure everything is alright. I'm sure when they see a healthy, happy baby and mom they wont bother you again. Just be cordial and friendly, answer any questions they may have, those types of visits usually are very short. What i've heard is that as long as your baby appears to be doing well, they will either leave you alone or, at the worst, ask you to take your baby to a pedi soon. Its really not a big deal and if your brother is anything like mine then he's mostly just trying to ruffle your feathers with no real intention of following through with what he says.
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