So even though I have birthed 3 babies I feel like this time I am starting all over again. I find myself scared. I always said if I had another baby I would have a UC. My last birth went so well and was so easy.
Now I watch homebirth videos and I find myself bawling , thinking how am I going to do this? thoughts flood my mind of my partner not being home when it happens. (He's military so there is always that possibility.) I know I trust my body deep down to know what to do. Though I am so scared , I have this incredible fear that I just can't do it. What was I thinking, maybe I shouldn't have kept this pregnancy. What if I fail. What if something happens.
I used to be so confident. I used to be so involved in births and pregnancy. I know what is normal and not. I feel so out of the loop. Even though I have read every natural birth book, watch hundreds of videos.
I am so emotional this pregnancy. This is my partners first child. So I also have a lot of apprehensions how he will deal with seeing me in labor. How will he react? We have talked about so much and he said he will be nervous but he will be there supporting me through it all. He has always been super supportive.
Help me ladies, Help me rebuild my confidence again. I need your support.
What is it about #4? We're hoping to meet our 4th in the next week or two & I have been an emotional train wreck this past year. It's been a great year too but everything makes me cry.
It sounds like we have very different belief systems so I'm not sure what comfort mine would be to you. I believe in a sovereign God, that He is the one who opens & closes the womb, that life & death are in His hands. He creates no accidents. It's completely out of my hands so there isn't anything I can add by worrying about the outcome. Maybe I can't do it & I will fail, He's decided to not provide me the strength for this particular pregnancy so I'll have to learn a lesson somewhere I wasn't expecting, Maybe my husband & children are the ones that need to learn a lesson that can only be taught by taking mine &/or Baby's life. Though I don't anticipate it happening, there is no way to know. It's not up to me & that is a huge source of my comfort.
But (to me) it mostly sounds like you're having performance anxiety. Or is it his nervousness making you nervous? People going to the hospital are nervous too, it's a birth. Birth is a big event no matter how many times we've done it. You know & your body knows what to do. If he's super-supportive & willing to do what you want when you need it, that's more than a lot of UC or even mainstream mama's get. Unless he really can't be there & as an army wife I can sympathize. Focus on his love & loving him back, we get when we give. You've gotten a child from your love, maybe shift the focus from the birth more onto the child & the plans to follow in the years to come for your family. And should he not be there due to deployment or an FTX start setting up a secondary support network now.
I see you're about 16 weeks along so I completely understand obsessing over every what-if. I'll be 39 weeks Mon. & our journey is close to the end of it's beginning. I hope you find peace on yours.
The ultimate goal o any pregnancy is a healthy baby and a healthy mom. There is no need to hold yourself hostage to a birth plan that no longer feels right.
Regardless, I wish you a safe, healthy and happy delivery.
When you picture yourself having this baby, where are you? Where do you really feel the most comfortable? Who's there with you?
Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds 10yo dd 8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds
I am starting to feel better, I watch quite a few inspiring unassisted homebirth videos and started remembering my last birth , how well I handled it . I had the same fears , I remember saying when I was 39 weeks pregnant, " I can't do this , I just want a c-section" ...That was my first homebirth and I was very nervous and unsure of myself. BUT I did it. I remember saying right afterward, I did it, I just had a homebirth, I did it at home! My midwife almost missed it , I did it all on my own.
I know I can do this I just have to rebuild up my confidence, I think mainly I am worried how my partner will handle it. Since this is his first. I want him to be prepared and ready.
I picture myself with my partner , though most of the time I see myself alone. Last time I birthed in my bathroom standing holding onto the toilet. Active labor was 1 1/2 then my water broke and 3 mins later my daughter was born.
I know things will be okay. I just have to process through things.
Once labor hits, the fear will be gone, and you will suddenly find yourself in labor land, unable to focus on anything else but getting that baby out of you. Your body will remember, don't worry.
I've never had very much fear surrounding birth, though I was a bit nervous last time (second labor, third baby). But like I said...once labor hit, nothing else mattered. You just do it. You don't have time to be scared.
Something that helps me is envisioning my perfect birth. Thinking about exactly how I want it to go. It makes me excited to give birth and it comforts me to have a plan. I already have a plan for this one. I know the room I want to be, and I know what I want in my birth kit. I know that I will want to hole up and be alone, with my husband cleaning the house and my best friend to watch the older children. I know I birth best when I'm alone, and I get a very good feeling from thinking about birthing solo, rather than have my husband or anyone else there with me this time. Just do what feels best and safest to you.
I am so nervous! Hubby brought up doing an UC because in NE you can't have a professional at a HB. Besides that it can be considered a misdemeanor if my hubby catches baby...I have to catch him ( so if we do this that is exactly how it will go). I had a WONDERFUL HB with my first LO with a CNM in NC. It was a lovely and peaceful experience- perfect in every way! I want that so badly for this baby and so when hubby brought up doing an UC I was surprised. I never thought he would go for it! The closer we get to the delivery the more and more I want to have this baby at home and NOT in the hospital like we thought we HAD to. When I picture laboring it's at the foot of our bed probably on my knees supporting myself on the bed. I'm not sure why I see it that way but I do.
So just to clarify our UC isn't written in stone. I am just so nervous. What if something does go wrong and neither he nor I know how to deal? There is a hospital maybe five minutes up the road from us but that isn't the one I would be at if we do the hospital birth. I can't even picture the hospital birth even though I have done a tour there. It just isn't where I see myself. The one thing that really scares me is I remember the midwife had to massage my uterus after #1 was born because of clots she could feel. that was the only thing I noticed that I would say was out of ordinary for a birth...what if I have clots again and hubby and I have no idea, I don't want retained "product" or an internal hemorrhage - those can kill....that would be bad. I just want to do the HB...so just wondering anyone else's thoughts on all this? Is all of this normal? Should I just eat it and go to the hospital? Is there anything I should do to prepare for a UC ( I know the whole read lots and such...that is a given- very important). Things we should have?
Military Mom to DD that we Wifey to SAHH. Baby #2 July 1st!!!
gratefulstella, if I may ask, where in Nebraska are you? And did last night's storms affect you? I lived in Edgar (southeast of Grand Island) for a while. Edgar got hit by a tornado last night, and I know the weather was rough elsewhere too.
Anyway, yeah, isn't that stupid that a father can't catch his own baby?
We do not live in Edgar, crazy as it is we are on vacation out of state right now and live in the omaha area. I will definitely have to check how bad it was there! I have to admit though, I do love a good storm and was sad to see that I was missing some doosies back home! Not sure how bad it really got in our area though.
The whole father baby thing is absolutely ridiculous...the fact that I can't birth with a professional if I so choose is absolutely ABSURD!!!! But such is life...
Military Mom to DD that we Wifey to SAHH. Baby #2 July 1st!!!