Frustrated with Lack of Family Support - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 8 Old 11-13-2013, 04:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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At first when I heard of UC, I was shocked and thought it was crazy, but the more I learned, the more I liked the idea. It isn't just cheaper, but safer to have the baby at home when the mom is low risk (and you've researched complications to be aware of real problems and what to do, or of course if you have a midwife). It took my husband longer to get on board, but after he read most of the books I had (including a childbirth emergancy book), he agreed with me. He'd still like a midwife backup, but only to come in the room if he asked her to and only to intervene while we wait for an ambulance. Basically, only for a serious emergancy.

 

One of the things I read (in Orgasmic Birth) is that negativity and stress hurt the laboring process. I concluded that they are not good for the pregnant woman either. I tried to talk about wanting a UC when I became pregnant, but my friends and family just couldn't hear me, couldn't believe it was safe. After several repetitions of this, I was getting frustrated and upset. My step mother unfollwed me on fb because she "couldn't deal with the stress." I was so hurt and upset by this (I mean, thank goodness I don't have cancer or something that actually is life-threatening!).

 

I finally decided to lie to everyone and say I have a midwife, because I'm in no state to deal with their negativity any further. Even now with that, my dad (who used to deliver babies when I was little) said he'd rather I have the baby in the hospital.

 

Part of me would like to share the birth with my Mom, but I can't imagine her not freaking out (like the first time I mentioned it) and then running off to tell my dad. I almost think at this point, I will never be able to tell them the truth. I really hate that. It saddens me to the bone, but what else is there to do? I'm not changing my mind, not before or after, and I'm not up to the fight.

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#2 of 8 Old 11-14-2013, 07:20 AM
 
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Hi there. I am so sorry to hear about the lack of support.  I can understand exactly what that is like.  We are having our third, so by now I know what to expect when it comes to family's views and the lack of support.  But it was hard the first time.  My mom kept tryng to undermine me and discourage homebirth both times, and she scoffed at the idea of breastfeeding, even brought bottles down a week after I told her I was nursing.

 

Although she was negative, she still kept insisting she be there for the births, and it was an admant NO each time because firstly we aren't close at all and secondly, I don' tneed someone fearful and negative while I'm in pain, someone who will undermine me. She kept stating ti would be too painful and I should get a c section or meds.  I did it naturally both times.  She was hurt but so was I.

 

You really have to just be strong within yourself and rely on the support of your husband/partner.  Don't discuss your plans with unsupportive people.  We had a midwife the previous two times and I was getting lots of flak, can you imagine if I told them we are having an unassisted this time?  we have a midwife but don't plan on calling her until after the birth if all goes well.

 

Read about UC pray meditate whatever you can do strengthen yourself. And if people ask about your previous comments about UC, just either LIE outright, or say you aren't discussing the birth with anyone apart from your husband.  It's a private thing anyway.  You really don't want unsupportive people knowing you plan to UC as they might send an ambulance or CPS your way when you are inlabor, which would really stink.  keep it quiet, lay low, make your plans, and know this is right for you.  I'm sorry there are no easy answers.

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#3 of 8 Old 11-14-2013, 07:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the reply! I don't know why it should help to know other have had similar problems, but it really does.

 

I couldn't fall asleep for a long time last night and eventually realized my friendly conversation with my dad was really an interrogation, and he figured out I was going to UC and that's why he made the hospital comment. I can't imagine he won't tell my step-mom and that she won't tell others, and now I'm dreading the holidays and might just skip them all together. This morning I woke up from a nightmare with my heart racing.

 

I should never have told them anything, but honestly, I was surprised that their culturally-based irrational fear closed their minds to anything I had to say on the matter.

 

I just need to focus on the positive stuff. I am not afraid (I've had 2 already), my husband is a dream, and I am so very happy about this baby.

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#4 of 8 Old 11-14-2013, 05:32 PM
 
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I'm sorry you're going through that. Just remember they haven't done the research you have done and they are coming from a very uninformed place. My hubby was a little slow to get on board with our uc choice but he seems fine with it now. And actually I had never considered it until my mom suggested it. My immediate family is very on board with this. Although I know it's not the norm and most people wouldn't be so I haven't been telling people. I personally went hospital route with my first and hated it and after researching midwives in the area even they seem to medical and controlling for me. I know I'm choosing the right decision for myself. Just stop talking about it with others and do what you want to do. You know homebirth is just as safe if not safer than hospital. In fact many complications are only brought on by medical personnel and all their interventions...you can do this! :-)
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#5 of 8 Old 11-15-2013, 07:36 AM
 
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Well, sometimes its not even just people who grew up in western society that are fearful.  My mother was actually born at home in a small village in europe, delivered by the lay midwife, and she still is scared of homebirth and natural birth! She is entirely trusting of doctors, even though folowing their advice has often harmed her.

 

I totally understand the interrogation bit, I've been through it.  You need to get some confidence and just not discuss the issues with them or your choices, just say we'll see how things go or we aren't discussing this with  anyone except our care provider.  They don't need to know you don't have one or that the care provider is you! As far as the holidays, your choice.  You could go but just say you want to relax and not discuss plans for the baby right now, its the holiday and you want to spend it with family free of stress.  If they can't accept that, then leave, its their loss.

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#6 of 8 Old 11-17-2013, 07:04 AM
 
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Hey ladies!  I am 24 years old, and 21 weeks with my first baby.  I am doing an unassisted pregnancy and unassisted childbirth.  I come from a family of medical people, and they think I am absolutely bonkers for choosing to do this (even though almost all of them had traumatic birth experiences from following medical advice)  My mother who used to practice midwifery as a CNM, seems to be the most supportive although she is apparently losing sleep over my decision.  I can totally relate to the lack of support, and the fear the people try and inject into you.  It's just awful!  My Grandma tried to tell me that she needed episiotimies for all of her three children because her "pelvis was too small".  That makes no sense!  If her pelvis was too small the baby wouldn't even be able to come into the birth canal!  I feel like they are all the insane one's and I am just trying to escape the madness and do what is safest for my baby and my family.  It is a lonely road, but I have a feeling the pay off will be great.

 

 This doesn't mean that I don't have my fears.  I've been reading about placenta previa and it scares the crap out of me.  My worst fear would be something going wrong that warranted a transfer, and that if I were to go to the hospital without an established doctor or midwife and was attempting a UC, that I would be treated like scum. The hospital that I would have to go to recently had a lawsuit filed against them because a woman contracted a flesh eating bacteria after birthing her baby, and they amputated her arms and legs!  http://www.foxnews.com/story/2007/05/20/florida-woman-who-lost-arms-legs-during-birth-works-for-answers/

 

I am here for anyone that needs support, and would love to establish a pen pal type relationship.  I commend all of you ladies for your bravery.  We are blazing a new trail for future mothers, and it is very exciting (and sometimes scary) to be entering into this uncharted territory.  I wish you all beautiful pregnancies/births, and remember to stay strong and don't let naive people try to scare you (and I know this is not as easy as it sounds) Much love mamas! 

-Sinead M. 

Orlando, FL

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#7 of 8 Old 11-18-2013, 01:39 PM
 
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This is a great conversation, thank you for all of your courage! I'm 24, this is my first baby (12/25/13), and I've certainly been overwhelmed at many moments. I grew up in TX and my family certainly doesn't understand my natural birthing choices. I decided to tell them we have "homebirth assistance" and Medicaid in place (the latter is true). But when my biological mother leaves me lengthy voicemails with her homebirth rants it really upsets me. I had told Step Mama that she could be present at his birth, but now that we've chosen UC I do see it being an interference. I'm hoping he arrives before she gets into town so it's as easy as that, but I'm having to work up my strength everyday to face whatever happens. I guess that's what UC is really all about though, developing a type of divine courage you never knew you had. It's sure a bumpy road for me emotionally... but I KNOW this is all coming from my heart and I'm ready to start believing in myself 100% instead of succumbing to my strange southern/conservative/fearful childhood thoughts and patterns. 

 

I'm certainly here as a friend, pen pal, etc to any of you needing that verbal support for your beautiful decision to birth peacefully. Love to you all!

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#8 of 8 Old 11-21-2013, 06:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm due Dec. 28! :-) Lots of UC babies in December.

 

I'm feeling much better about lying to my family about having a midwife and leaving it at that. I have my husband's full support and that is the only important thing. He's read about 5 books on birth now and would very much not like me to birth at a hospital without a serious need. Also, he's agreed to be my 'splash guard.' If anyone starts going off on me or asking too many questions, I'll just tell them to talk to him. He doesn't care if they are uncomfortable, and then I won't have to deal with their stress and negativity.

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