making leap from CPM-assisted to unassisted? - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-01-2014, 05:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My first birth was CNM-assisted in the hospital and my second was a CPM-assisted homebirth (I use that term loosely, as she was not there for long and was really not needed). I'm 12 weeks along with #3 and am seriously considering a UC this time. There are many reasons that I can go into if it makes a difference, but my main question is: How do I "break up" with my CPM? I have an appointment scheduled with her for next week, but I'm questioning the necessity of using her again. DH thinks I should call/email her and ask her opinion, but I'm not sure how that will go over. I'm friends with her on facebook and respect her greatly, so I don't want to just cancel the appointment and never mention what's really going on (plus I'm sure she'll ask, since she'll know I'm still pregnant!).

 

Did anyone else make the leap from midwife-assisted to unassisted? What did you tell your midwife (if anything)? How did you break the new to her? How did you keep your plans under wraps from everyone who asks who you're using? I don't feel comfortable just out and out lying, but I'm not sure how else to handle it.


Anna: married to my best friend (12/2005), mommy to DD (10/2006) and DD (12/2008). Thrilled to be expecting our third and last sometime in October'14! It's a boy!
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Old 04-02-2014, 12:17 PM
 
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Wow! I could have written your post word for word just a month or so ago! We were in the same position with the same background except our first two were CPMs at a free-standing birth center.

We became totally convinced about being unassisted, realizing that was what we had really wanted all along and got closer and closer to it. We were both so excited just thinking about it and had total peace deep down. But..... we were with a CPM we liked.

Here is how it played out for us after and amidst much struggle and discussion as a couple. At my last 2nd trimester appointment I said "so, what if I went into labor and we just handled the delivery ourselves and called you right after?" This gave her a chance to explain what she thought and discuss it a little. She told me she thought it was risky, things can happen, etc. She said she could be "very hands off" in labor and really not do much. So I listened, agreed where I could, appreciated her flexibility to work with a couple for the birth they want, and left. Her assistant was there so I knew she probably had to give the "right" info, being legally bound, so she couldn't be off the record and tell me what she personally thought. I was surprised by her reaction a little because another of her clients had told me she thought this midwife would understand wanting to UC.

Next appointment was just her. I told her we had thought about what she said and that we were really wanting the birth to be just us. In discussion it became clear she wouldn't be Ok just being on the premises in another room in case. She really would need to be in the room. Her description of just how hands off she could be was not consistent with what we wanted and we weren't willing to compromise that much. I said I would talk to my husband and we would keep thinking. (I have a really hard time being firm and drawing a line. I run from confrontation. Haha)

A couple days later we called her on speaker phone together, not wanting to wait until another appointment, and I said we decided what is best for us and our family and this birth is that we do it ourselves. She said that meant terminating care because she couldn't have any part of responsibility. She also said she wasn't surprised. We thanked her for her care, said how much we liked her and respected her knowledge, and told her we were willing to accept the risks and felt very confident about this birth.

So, it all ended well and I felt a huge weight off my shoulders getting past that. It is a really tough thing to handle. Good luck!
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Old 04-02-2014, 12:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your reply! I just sent a carefully worded email to her, thanking her for her care but explaining that we felt this was the best decision for our family at this time. I kept putting it off but when I finally sat down to write it, everything went rather smoothly. I'm also a major confrontation-avoider, which is why I went the wienie route and emailed her rather than by phone or in person. If she calls, then at that point we can talk, now that everything is out on the table.

 

Now to wait for her reply, and figure out when/how to tell my mom! Other than those two, I don't think we'll share with anyone else (unless I know for certain they are accepting).


Anna: married to my best friend (12/2005), mommy to DD (10/2006) and DD (12/2008). Thrilled to be expecting our third and last sometime in October'14! It's a boy!
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Old 04-02-2014, 12:34 PM
 
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Hard to wait, isn't it? I'm sure you are glad it's done. smile.gif

My mom was a little hesitant, I think. She wasn't going to tell us no and respects our knowledge and ability to make a decision. She just seemed nervous anytime the topic came up. She read "The Power of Pleasurable Childbirth" and it seems to have totally changed her perspective. She said she really gets why we would want to do it now.

I'm so excited with our plan I tend to blab to anyone haha. I know whatever they say is not going to change our minds because I am that secure in this decision. Probably should be a little more guarded, but I like taking advantage of the opportunity to shake up people's thinking and assumptions about birth. Saying "We are doing the delivery ourselves" sure sparks a discussion or makes someone think for a minute!
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Old 04-02-2014, 02:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I got an email back already and it blew me away!! She was 100% supportive and said we should totally go for it. She offered to answer any questions that came up and to be a help from the sidelines. I'm ecstatic!! It's starting to feel more real to me and I couldn't be happier. I did my first at-home prenatal today and it was so empowering to take control and responsibility for my own body and health. Whoop!

 

PS I'm totally tempted to tell the world my plans. I will at least hint at it, being that my last labor was so fast and I imagine the midwife wouldn't make it anyway this time so... ;) I'd rather it be a PLANNED unassisted vs a surprise/unplanned UC!


Anna: married to my best friend (12/2005), mommy to DD (10/2006) and DD (12/2008). Thrilled to be expecting our third and last sometime in October'14! It's a boy!
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Old 04-02-2014, 03:18 PM
 
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That is fantastic!! That's the result we were really hoping for, but got second best, I guess. Not animosity really, but not such support. It sure is empowering and freeing taking full responsibility for the pregnancy and birth!

Hopefully only two and a half to three weeks left for me.... can't wait!!!
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