I realized today that I've gone through a very long journey in a very short period of time. The first month or two of pregnancy were like any other. I found out I was pregnant, I became very excited and happy, and I was a little fearful. Mostly because we're really not in a financial situation where having another child is logical. But, I believe that the Fates never give you more than you can handle and so I accepted this pregnancy with open arms. Afterall, I always wanted more children...I had just planned to wait a bit first. lol
Then around the third month reality set in. Alongside some very tricky food problems (I was having trouble eating meat and then eventually eating anything cooked. I was constantly throwing up because of this) came about memories of Orion's birth. The things that happened at hte hospital, the emotinal tourmoil, the cecerean, the fear, and so many other things. Things I had put out of my mind shortly after we came home from the hospital. And then, while looking for a midwife or OB I discovered that there are few who will "allow" a VBAC. The fear started to become a panic and I didn't know how I would ever survive.
I was so afraid of so many things but mostly I realized how deep of a fear I had of birthing in a hospital again. Every fiber of my being told me that it would be the very wrong thing to do. Something I cannot endure. Frankie thought I was being a bit foolish or hormonal or something. I don't know, maybe in a way I was. All I know is that the thought of birthing in a hospital made me hysterical.
"I would rather give birth in Balboa Park than Balboa Hospital!" I had cried one day.
Then a friend of mine, upon my telling her this very tihng, told me about unassisted childbirth. She showed me some webpages of women giving birth by themselves in their own homes or outdoors. An option was opened to me that I had considered but thought crazy until I found that others have done it too. I was calm. But the calmness didn't last.
After a while I realized I had even more fears. There were times when I would cry because the fear was so intense. I remember one day I was in the shower and I was just wishing it would all be over. That I could go to sleep, and the next 6 months or so would just pass by me and when I wake up the baby will be in my arms. I couldn't bear this fear. Fear of the hospital, fear of not knowing what to do, fear of having to make such a difficult decision, fear of doing everything wrong, fear of hurting the baby because I don't know enough, etc. It was overwhelming!
Every day I would read birth stories and birthing facts. I would talk with people who had given birth unassisted. I also talked with doctors and midwives durring this time. Eventually I stopped trying to talk to any doctor or midwife because they just fed my fears and made it all so much harder. But, I did do research on the things they told me, to help calm those fears.
I don't remember the actual point when my fears began to subside. When I was no longer terrified and was willing to trust my intuition and my body. Something I had always believed in doing but until that point was afraid to do where my baby was concerned. I wrote out all the facts I had learned up to that point and I realized I had nothing to fear. Yes, I was still afraid but it was a manageable fear. I think I was about 5 months along then.
The fears would come and go for the next few months. Each time they surfaced I would do research on whatever I was afraid of. This helped me to conquor those fears. Research included everything from borrowing books at the library, surfing web pages (written by doctors, nurses, midwives, and mamas), and talking with other UCers and UBACers.
I began to prepare for the birth emotionally and physically as well as financially. emotionally I did my research and began meditating and connecting with my baby and myself. Physically I ate right and would do prenatal yoga (haven't done that in a while but I try). And financially I learned to cut corners, make baby clothes, how to make and use cloth diapers, and how to make baby food. I've also been preparing recently in my home by setting down some routines so I can keep my home organized and clean and not feel overwhelmed.
I also was prepared through my dreams. I had many wonderful dreams and looking back on them I can see they were a reflection of the personal progress I was making both psychologically and spiritually. At first in my dreams Frankie was helping me. He would either support me or he would catch the baby. Then, he just watched with Orion as I gave birth totally by myself. Then he was sleeping as I gave birth and woke up the next morning to his daughter in bed with us. Then he was at work and came home just intime to see his daughter born. And then he was out to sea and not able to bet here at all. Each dream was of my progression from the need to have someone with me to the knowledge that I can do this by myself if it comes to that. I so want him there but more because he is a part of this baby and so he should rightfully be a part of the birth. But, if circumstances make it where he's not going to be here (he's actually supposed to be out to sea from the week before to the week after the baby is due) then I know I'll be alright.
I am now 35 weeks pregnant. And I just conquored my last fear. Fear of the baby being born before it's time. I've been experiencing prodromal labor but my intuition is steadfast in telling me not to worry. Last night while meditating I saw that the baby isn't ready to be born yet and the knowledge that she WON'T be born until she is ready came to me so strongly. Yet, at the same time I feel prepared to handle a premateur birth. I know that if she were to come early that I can easily birth at home and just go to the hospital if there appears to be any problems I myself cannot handle.
I am filled with an overwhelming sense of calm. I feel that everything I have experienced up to this point has prepared me for more than I can explain. Even the birthing horror stories I was told have helped to prepare me. I don't think I have every felt more sure of myself than I do right now.
Thank you my friends for you have helped me in this, even if you don't realize it. From talking with you here to reading your stories and your posts...it has all helped. So have some books I've read which were borrowed from a friend on unassisted birth and the video "A Clear Road to Birth". You are all so beautiful and I feel honored to know you.
Sometime within the next month or so I will be posting a birth story for all of you to read. Know that it was your assistance in helping me reach this goal that will allow that birth story to come about. : )
note: this has been cross posted to the following places:http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo....nassistedbirthhttp://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/militaryUChttp://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/UBAChttp://www.mothering.com/discussions...play.php?f=306