Any Rebel Mamas UCing w/o DP Support? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 21 Old 02-10-2005, 03:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Have any of you experienced mamas uc'd withOUT the support of your dp? Just basically told them.. too bad, this is what's happening, or, not even told them at all, until it was too late for them to try to change anything?

Like I've said, dh isn't quite on board... have had the strangest *need* to get him clued in to this lately.. I'm not giving up on him, and of course, we're still just ttc (maybe the need means we've succeeded!! ) but I wondered if any of you just went for it?

I would really prefer his support, obviously, but I can't stomach the idea of being poked and prodded and defending my God-given right to birth as I see fit for however many months the next one wants to gestate!!

KateSt.~ FANTASTIC link to the empowered childbirth site!! Thank you so much!

lizzie

It's such a relief to finally trust yourself.
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#2 of 21 Old 02-10-2005, 11:16 AM
 
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With my last UC i had told my DH he could either support me or I hoped I went into labor while he was at work because there was no way in he** I was going to the hospital. He came around after that.

This time I plan to keep quiet and labor as long as I can before letting him know. He wants to call the midwives and I dont. At least not until its too late for them to make it for the birth, being here after doesn't bother me.
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#3 of 21 Old 02-10-2005, 11:21 AM
 
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Lizzie -- thank god my dh did come around, but if he hadn't I was definitely planning on u/c anyway. There were times I wanted to say "you don't have a choice in this matter, this is the way I"m going to do it and you can either be here or not," but thankfully it didn't come to that. That would have put a strain on our relationshipe (which I cherish so much!) but that's how strongly I believe in uc. Good luck to you and I do hope your dh does come around. So glad you liked the links!

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#4 of 21 Old 02-10-2005, 06:12 PM
 
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it took some work to get my hubby on board. i just kept talking about it and how bad i wanted it and that i felt like i was "settling" for the birth center... he supported me and whatever decision i made, since it was my body, but he was really uneasy about it. in the end, he said, "lets go for it!" but gave me two stipulations: 1) i had to locate and map out the nearest hospitals and 2) had to tell my family.

i thought it was a pretty good compromise, so i agreed. it also helps that i am using my income (wahm) to pay for most of the birth supplies.
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#5 of 21 Old 02-10-2005, 11:56 PM
 
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i lucked out with this man.. my last husband (i have only had the two, that sounds funny..last husband).. the father of my first four children had no say in anything, not that i didn't want him too, he honeslty didn't seem to care.. ihtink that left a gaping hole somewhere in me.. i would be doing a birth solo if i had no support from my partner...i think it is that important.. but lucky for me this time i have a partner who is on board, and feels hospital births, or medical care is unwarranted for birthing....
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#6 of 21 Old 02-11-2005, 09:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for sharing your experiences...

I feel SO strongly about UC'ing next time around.. Dh is really wrapped in work right now, so I wonder how much of that is why he's not acting as interested as I'd like for him to be..

If he really flipped out and threw down about NOT doing it, I don't know how we'd recover from that on a relational level, regardless of which of us got our way, so I'm really trying to ease him into it. I can't imagine tearing our family up over it, but.... My brain doesn't need any excuses to go through PPD, and I know birth experience can really impact that! It's just that we're both so strong-willed, and I know he'd feel betrayed if I did it behind his back, and vice versa if I get shipped to a hospital unnecessarily.

I don't WANT to sneak around in labor, trying to act casual. I. want. him. to. get. it. : I don't want a 'yeah okay', I want support! I want enthusiasm! I want him to look forward to it with the same excitment and delight I do!

He doesn't yet realize that I'm feeling very My Way or the Highway on this issue, and I'm trying to give him time. I've done it his way twice now, and every time I see ds's immediate post-birth video (the birth isn't on there) I get so aggravated at the things I let happen in the name of "being reasonable" (whose definition of reasonable was all that nonsense??!!) I can't imagine putting another dc OR me through that. In his mind, they were perfect births. Anyway, we're going to have to actually, I don't know, schedule some time or something.. something that will somehow indicate to him that I am not willing to back down on this.

But thanks for your support!!

lizzie

It's such a relief to finally trust yourself.
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#7 of 21 Old 02-12-2005, 11:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KateSt.
Lizzie -- thank god my dh did come around, but if he hadn't I was definitely planning on u/c anyway. There were times I wanted to say "you don't have a choice in this matter, this is the way I"m going to do it and you can either be here or not," but thankfully it didn't come to that. That would have put a strain on our relationshipe (which I cherish so much!) but that's how strongly I believe in uc. Good luck to you and I do hope your dh does come around. So glad you liked the links!

Same here. I am so glad my dh came around.

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#8 of 21 Old 02-13-2005, 12:31 AM
 
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: I haven't told my husband that I am planning a UC yet. He is impressed with his friend that has nine children who, I think have all been born at home (homeschooled and non-vaxed too ), so I'm hoping that he will be OK with it. Not sure how to bring it up?

Mom to two boys, ages 8 and 11, and one blessing due May 8th.

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#9 of 21 Old 02-13-2005, 01:25 PM
 
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Jamie,

I first just started telling my dh about UC birth stories I had read. He thought they were pretty cool but said "NO WAY!". I just kept telling him about things I had read, about listening to your own body and inner voice and such. Eventually I told him I couldn't go back to the midwife. He saw how stressed it made me and he agreed to UP/UC. He was afraid that I expected him to be the midwife. After we talked about his role(emotional support, bring me water or tea, etc.)he felt much better.

Good luck!

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#10 of 21 Old 02-13-2005, 04:35 PM
 
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DH supports me, but deep down I know he wishes I would change my mind if that makes sense? I told him while I was still in the hospital after my c/s that next time we do it "my way". (I had wanted to UC last time but didn't and regretted it obviously) I know he thinks I'm a little extreme but totally gets why I am going UC..he's more upset about me wanting to go UP though go figure.

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#11 of 21 Old 02-13-2005, 04:55 PM
 
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Thanks aurora! I have started talking to him about some of the bad stuff that goes on in hospitals. I just haven't had the courage to tell him outright that I want to UC because he tends to be the paranoid type. Last birth he was at work and didn't want to waste any time, so he called on of his police friends to drive me to the hospital in a squad car even though I wasn't in labor yet, water just broke. Glad you could get your hubby to come around!

Mom to two boys, ages 8 and 11, and one blessing due May 8th.

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#12 of 21 Old 02-13-2005, 05:13 PM
 
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I just wanted to add I just got a copy of Clear Road To Birth. I can't wait to watch it tonight with DH and see his reaction!

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#13 of 21 Old 02-14-2005, 01:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Rainbowmoon~ My dh is the same way... when I'm in a bargaining mood, I tell him I'll do the prenatal stuff (sadly with a 'professional' involved) if it will make him feel better. But the more I research, the LESS I want any involvement. I think that might actually help dh, if I got a good UC birth video for him to witness.

You know, if he'd let me have my way from my uneducated beginning, I'd be having almost the opposite extreme of UC... I'd of had moms and sisters and best friends milling around the whole time in the hospital. ( I was determined to show them all what a natural birth could be) HE'S the one that began convincing me it should be just us, and he was RIGHT!! He hems and haws when I throw that at him though.

lizzie

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#14 of 21 Old 02-15-2005, 12:44 AM
 
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My DH did put his foot down with our DSs birth. He wanted me in the hospital and there was no arugeing about it. I went along with him. Things went totally absolutely as wrong as they possibly could have without me ending up with a section and we did have a healthy son in the end.

He learned his lesson well though. After months and months of horrible PPD and me being totally insane he learned that it isn't worth it to fight about something that really isn't up to him. He had fully agreed to a homebirth for our next baby. When i got preggo though this time I was the one who chickend out. I believe my experience with DSs birth has taken a lot away from me. I am scared now when i was never scared before. So i am going to a midwife and a birthing center with this one.
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#15 of 21 Old 02-15-2005, 08:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ladywulf, I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience, but I'm so happy your son was okay.

I actually had the best possible hospital experiences, and while I still was personally disappointed.. dh thought they were brilliant. So I have to deschool him!

lizzie

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#16 of 21 Old 02-15-2005, 09:14 PM
 
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This is a great UC birth video, shows birth to be very normal, straight-forward, not scary, might be good for DHs: http://www.earthbirthproductions.com/
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#17 of 21 Old 02-15-2005, 09:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh BV, I love that website.. I really want to get that video. I'm going to have to wait until I actually pg to justify it, but I can't wait to see it!

lizzie

It's such a relief to finally trust yourself.
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#18 of 21 Old 02-16-2005, 08:30 PM
 
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hey Jaime, I am in the same boat as you... I haven't brought it up to dh that I want a uc. We aren't even ttc yet so that has to do with it. But he knows I am on c-birth cause I am reading it every night when he gets home from work! lol! He always teases me about "whatcha doin"
Anyway, I am hoping to convince him because he usually comes around to my way of thinking after I drop hints and little facts around. He knows I am the research/internet queen so when I start talking about something, I really know what I am talking about!!
hope you can get your dh on board with what your heart desires, lizzie!

Cheryl, proud mama to Jackson... and a baby on the way!
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#19 of 21 Old 02-16-2005, 09:11 PM
 
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I really wanted to UC with dc #2 ut h was not open to any discussion of it. It was all I could do to convince him to hae a midwife and then he got me to compromise and hae dc at HER house. A lot happened that was unnessecary and both of us ended up resentful. I, because I didn't go ahead and follow m instincts aout my ody, and H ecause I was "willing to risk our ay by not having a hospital irth". It was a big issue for us. By the time dc#3 came along, we were separated and I went ahead and had my UC.

FWIW, I deeply regret compromising and not following my heart. I knew my body and baby and what we needed and I didn't follow that. I would do things differently, if I could go back. Yes, my relationship couldn't handle me UC but that was an indication that it wasn't much of a relationship.

Anyway, the est to you and your family.
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#20 of 21 Old 02-18-2005, 03:43 AM
 
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We're still TTC, so it hasn't been a "real" issue for us yet, but every birth story I've read since I started researching UC, I've thought "why would they call the midwife/ go to the birth center?" They were doing so well alone...

From my years of experience, what works with convincing my dh is me dropping hints/ saying things in passing and following through with books around the house that are easily accesible to him. I did that with home-birth and now he's a gung-ho "why would you go to a hospital for a birth? Birth isn't a disease" kind of guy. With UC, I suspect this will be a harder sell, tho, especially with our first. But I'm not entirely sure I can do it alone the first time, either...
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#21 of 21 Old 02-20-2005, 11:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by terrarose
Yes, my relationship couldn't handle me UC but that was an indication that it wasn't much of a relationship.




I just really appreciate you all telling me about what you've been through. Dh has just made some amazing strides towards accepting what I believe is inevitable! I think I was finally able to convey to him just exactly how much this means to me; it's not some fad just so I can hang out on the UC forum! I'm actually researching it and gathering as much info as possible. He'd probably faint dead away if he knew how many posts he was the primary subject of...

But I'm bringing him around, at least he's finally open to the discussion of UC.


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