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ishtarmaia 02-18-2005 02:51 PM

I had my daughter at home, my first UC after having my son in the hospital. It was a beautiful birth and everything went perfectly, so when I became pregnant again last year, I knew I would do it again.

This time everything was perfect again, or seemingly so, right up until my son's head began descending down the birth canal. The cord was wrapped around his neck, which of course no one knew,and by the time I was able to push out his huge head and chubby cheeks, he had been without oxygen for about 20 minutes. I know now that the cord started to constrict as he was coming down and not before because he kicked me REALLY hard when he started to descend and his head first became visible in the birth canal. Neither of my other children ever moved like that during birth.

He came out beautiful and perfect and bluish-purple and would not get his breath. I had been on my hands and knees, so I didn't know that the cord had been around his neck until I was trying to get him to breathe and he just wouldn't and my mom told me. Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming sense of urgency and told my DP to call the ambulance. We did CPR while we waited for them to come, but he never started to breathe on his own.

Later that day at the children's hospital the doctor told us that he had just been without oxygen for too long and that his brain was devastated. I will not go into all the heart-wrenching details, but suffice it to say that he passed away.

His birth and death have taught me a lot. First of all, not to judge other people's decisions on where to birth. I always thought that women who birthed in the hospital didn't trust their bodies, etc., etc., etc. Now I know that some people just don't want to take any risks. While I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and I am at peace with my son's passing, I think that every mom who considers having a UC should be aware of the possibility of things going drastically wrong and/or losing her baby. It is a risk that we all take, but for me it wasn't something I ever thought could really happen. My worst case scenario was that I would end up in the hospital with a c-section.

My intent is not to scare anyone out of having a UC, but to make everyone aware that the risks are REAL, and to say that if you couldn't face your decision to UC if your baby died, you should rethink it.

I am living with my decision and I still think it was the right one. I believe that no matter where I gave birth, if my baby was meant to die, it would have happened one way or the other. And I am proud that I was able to give him a gentle birth into his parents bed, surrounded only by relatives, those who love him most, even in death. I see this experience as a gift that my son gave me; to realize how precious life really is and to know that every baby that is born alive and healthy is a true miracle. I have learned to be so much less judgemental of others and to see that everyone is in their perfect process wherever they are in life and wherever they choose to birth. It is not our place to judge, only to learn and be grateful. I learn more and find more gifts and blessings through my son's birth and death every day. I am truly grateful.

I wish you all many blessings in your birth experiences and the awareness to make the best decisions for yourselves.

P.S. For anyone who is interested, my story is posted in the pregnancy and birth loss forum under the thread Honoring Our Babies and titled "In Memory of Ronan".

Love and light,

Irishmommy 02-18-2005 02:54 PM

I'm sorry for you loss. But from reading your post, I don't think your baby would have lived had you been in hospital, so I hope you don't blame yourself.

AngelBee 02-18-2005 02:58 PM

Thank you for posting your story!!! It is beautiful...your son was lucky to have such a loving mama.

pamamidwife 02-18-2005 03:10 PM

thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad that you have had the gift to reflect on the birth, your belief system and your ideals around giving birth.

redsonya 02-18-2005 03:14 PM

Jen, I'm so terribly sorry.

TurboClaudia 02-18-2005 03:21 PM

sending you peaceful love, mama...


rachelle-a-tron 02-18-2005 03:42 PM

Sending you love Mama.

momto l&a 02-18-2005 04:02 PM

Persephone 02-18-2005 04:05 PM

I can't imagine the pain. You must have done a lot of work to come to such a place of peace. You also must have a lot of courage to have gone through what you have, and then to post about it here.

I think it's important to remember that birth and death are two sides of the same coin, and that during labor, while birth is imminent, death is just as close, no matter where you give birth.

Good for you mama, for giving your son your very best, for as long as you had him. My heart is with you.

Artisan 02-18-2005 04:09 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Desdamona 02-18-2005 04:35 PM

Thank you for sharing your story, Jen. Sending you peaceful healing warmth.

spero 02-18-2005 04:42 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss, Mama.

Simply Nurtured 02-18-2005 05:08 PM


I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. I am sending you thoughts and prayers.


thismama 02-18-2005 05:11 PM

I'm so so sorry for your loss mama. :

Viola 02-18-2005 05:16 PM

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Earthy Birthy 02-18-2005 05:16 PM

Your son's spirit lives on through your willingness to share his story. Thank you, Mama. Peace be with you on your journey.

umefey 02-18-2005 05:24 PM

I'm so sorry......... You are so strong.

mtnsunshinemama 02-18-2005 05:29 PM

Peace, Blessings and my profound sympathies.

hawkfeather 02-18-2005 06:42 PM

that is sad, i am sorry for your loss, but it makes me more sad to hear you say your living with your choice, risks are real, but I would say this is a risk of childbirth, not of a uc. It is horrible and beyond words when any mother looses a child.. I am truly sorry for your loss.. but i hope you don't take it on for yourself. At the point where a child is already being born, and yor still feeling a large movement, i can't really see how no matter where you were anythign could have been done. Your son is blessed to have been loved so much, and your choice to have him uc was likely from great love and intention....i think it is a gift rather than anythign you should feel you have done to him....sad seems like a small word to describe a great loss, no matter where a child passes..
many blessings.

ishtarmaia 02-18-2005 07:08 PM

I feel I need to post here for anyone that has misunderstood. I DO NOT in any way blame myself for Ronan's death. I say that I am living with my choice and that is true, but I am living peacefully with it because I feel it was the right choice, regardless of the outcome.You are right, hawkfeather, it is a risk of birth, but mamas that UC have to take ALL the responsibility for their births, so it much easier to be blamed, either by yourself or others, and we have to take that on when we choose to UC. I know that others have blamed me even when I have not blamed myself. I really am at peace with the will of the Universe. This is not to say I don't miss my baby; I cry and long to hold him and nurse him every day. But I don't wish it had never happened, because I believe it was meant to be and it has taught me so much. My life is now heading down a different path and my future is open so unexpectedly. I know there is a Divine plan that is greater than anything I could plan for myself and I am surrendered to it. Blessed be!

hmg7500 02-18-2005 07:44 PM

mehndi mama 02-18-2005 08:30 PM

We lost our second baby after a fast & furious emergency/accidental UC. It took a while for my husband & others (especially hospital personnel) to come to grips with his death - the hospital folks because they felt that his birth at home had to do with his death, and DH because he felt that his treatment in the ambulance & hospital contributed to the problem. I think I had the easier job of letting go - after all, I *knew* my baby, I had memories to hang onto....and I was better able to look over the situation, evaluate how things had been done, and conclude that even if we had been somewhere else, or had been recieving different care, the same outcome would have happened.
My heart goes out to you, mama - just know that although now was not the right time for you to have and hold your little one, he may come back to you eventually. I now have 2 little boys that I believe have brought back some of their brother's spirit to our family....and that is very comforting for us.

PM me if you'd like to talk. :

jstar 02-18-2005 08:47 PM

you're a strong woman

ishtarmaia 02-18-2005 11:15 PM

Thanks, jstar. Sometimes I wonder if I know what the word 'strong' means anymore. I have been told the one about how "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle" and I think that maybe He thinks I am stronger than I really am. But I guess I am handling it. I'm still here and I'm still taking care of my family and living and loving, so I must be pretty o.k., right? Maybe I am stronger than I think I am.

hawkfeather 02-19-2005 03:59 AM

i personally think *strong* is relative...your obviously a very very strong being, but i also think we put a lot of pressure on people to be this thing we call strong, and it has less to do with how thier spiritual, mental, emotional well being is weathering, and more to do with exterior reaction...
I am sure that you have all the power in the universe in you...your words sound grounded and sure..and you obviously have an important story to tell!

BinahYeteirah 02-19-2005 09:15 AM

I am so sorry for your loss.

It is good that you do not blame yourself. I wish you continued progress in your path of healing.

GruppieGirl 02-19-2005 09:57 AM

I am so sorry for you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

lisamarie 02-19-2005 12:05 PM

sending you love.



mamabutterfly 02-19-2005 12:57 PM

I'm so sorry, mama, for the loss of Ronan. Thank you for sharing his story with us and your thoughts of reflection & healing. I wish you and your whole family peace.

2boys2girls 02-19-2005 01:17 PM

Please accept a big hug and sincere condolensces on your loss. You are a wise and loving mother. Your child was created by One higher than yourself, and his birth was in the hands of the almighty. His life, however short, had a purpose. I send love and prayers for healing in your heart.

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