Including your partner from the beginning - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 37 Old 07-28-2005, 10:31 PM
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FWIW, amniotic fluid embolism is an emergency which is caused by amniotic fluid being sucked up by the partially detached placenta, crossing over into the mother's bloodstream and causing heart attack, stroke or death. It is almost always caused by drugs causing severe contractions, that partially separate the placenta during labor and birth. It is almost never seen in homebirths, but I do know one lady who died of it...It cannot be predicted, and cannot be treated, that I am aware of...(If anyone does know of some treatment, please let me know! This is one complication I hope I never see as a midwife!)
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#32 of 37 Old 07-30-2005, 10:52 PM
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I'll just add one more version to our dialogue about research and the "Studying the process can only dispell any fears or misconceptions you may have" comment. I really feel that my intuition guides me. If there is some thought that I have or dream that pops up that gets caught in my head -- of some kind of complication, I will research to find out how to 1. avoid the situation and 2. react in the situation. That WILL release that fear from my brain. On the other hand, studying the process at ever turn will NOT dispel fears for me. I much more trust my own instincts.
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#33 of 37 Old 07-30-2005, 11:47 PM
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I am somewhat confused about what the actual discussion is about.

I would have to say though that if my dh was not supportive of my decision to UC then I wouldn't do it. Not because I am not completely convinced of my need to UC but because ultimately it is not going to be the birth experience I want, just being in a relaxed state of mind with my dh present. I DO need the support, even if it is only emotional, someone there to say "You CAN do it!" when the difficult point arrives. And not someone there freaking out and calling the EMT's when I start hollering. If it were the case that dh was not comfortable, then i would get a mw.

It is important for me that my dh be comfortable with my choices, because ulitmately we are a partnership, and it would be selfish of me to say "its my way or the high way" - I respect and love him too much to just go against his wishes, if he had done the research and asked all the relevant questions.
My relationship is to dh is more important, and I feel it would affect it more negatively if I was to just 'do what I want regardless of what HE thinks!"

I feel confident in the natural process of birth, however I do know that there are times of uncertainty and fear, and that is normal and natural too, because as much as we think we have 'gained control' of our pregancies and birth, no-one is fully in control at all. Sometimes everthing doesn't go to plan.

I do HOPE there will be some ladies on here to help me when and if I need it during labor!!
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#34 of 37 Old 07-31-2005, 11:51 PM
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My dh was definitely NOT on board when I first mentioned UC. He was very, very resistant to the whole idea and we had many difficult conversations about it. The journey to UC was such an intense time for me, because it was the first time dh and I were having regular disagreements but at the same time my whole soul was shouting with joy at discovering UC. It was quite the rollercoaster.

At one point, after the worst UC discussion (while I was 6 mos pregnant) I decided to compromise with dh and agreed to have our mw at our house during labor, but in a different room. The next morning I woke up feeling completely defeated -- I felt like a light had gone out in my heart, and I felt both my baby and me mourning our idea of our perfect birth. I cried in dh's arms saying "I know what you're asking is not unreasonable...but I just can't do it."

I could not compromise on this decision because ultimately it was ME giving birth and MY comfort should be the first thing to be considered. He could see how important this was to me so he agreed to work on it. He didn't want to rob me of my dream.

One month later, all of a sudden, he said "Okay, I'm on board." So, it took my dh 7 months to warm up to the idea of UC, but it happened as it needed to. Yes, there were times when I was upset in my pregnancy, but I had an inner peace that came from knowing I was on the right path. To me, this occasional pregnancy stress was much easier to live with than the idea of having to get over a bad birth experience.

The day I was in labor, my dh surprised himself by feeling completely calm and peaceful. Never once did he second guess our decision and he became the biggest advocate for UC. He can't imagine us having babies any other way.

Just my 2 cents. Love to write more but baby needs to nurse...

computergeek2.gif  Spirit Baby Intuitive (and really cool chick)

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#35 of 37 Old 08-02-2005, 12:50 AM
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Kate thank you so much for posting your story.

My DH is usually processes important things slower than most, but emerges from the other side so strong. Riding through his process is stressful at times, but I know that it's what needs to be done. Your account really feeds my soul!
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#36 of 37 Old 08-04-2005, 11:45 AM
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Yes, Kate, your story really was needed here too! I also just having discovered UC (even tho my heart said it was possible way before I found out other women were feeling that way too) have felt like I've been on a rollercoaster too!

I just had reversal surgery in Dec. 2004, then 8 weeks later I concieved, and now I am 27 weeks and discovered UC just about 3 weeks ago. It really has been like a whirlwind!! But an amazing journey as well!

Trying to sound sure of myself when I know I'm on the right path to my dh even though it is different/unfamiliar to him has been a challenge. I don't want to "talk him into it", or "convince him", I just have wanted to share with him my feelings, thoughts, and show him some testimonies, or facts about hospital births vs. homebirth stats, etc- just basically what I'm finding- and let him ask any questions or raise his concerns without me getting emotionally upset, frustrated, or impatient with him. That has been the challenge-especially while pregnant, of coarse. :LOL

But, like you, feel that the stress and work it has taken to "present the facts" or research and try to express myself in a way that's not too pushy has been hard-but worth it because we are working through our fears and questions to come and see together that it IS better (to listen to yourself and feelings) and not just let it go.
I couldn't let it go's like a switch on me- if I think about having our baby in the hospital I get tense, anxious, can't sleep at night, or have peace of mind, afraid, even nauseous, and downright depressed.

But if I think of having our babe at home- I feel so calm, relaxed, at peace, strong, joyful, and downright empowered, I feel unafraid and can really visualize it and feel excited.

I still have the details of getting the birth certificate, ssn, and the supplies on my mind, along with how do I gracefully pull out of prenatal care with my OB, and should I bother with trying to find a midwife "just in case" even though I feel I won't want her "helping" when the time comes. So I figure when I take care of these things by finding out then, I will have complete peace and so will my dh.

I think when he really realized how much I wanted an UC was when I absolutely dreaded seeing the OB anymore. I've only had a few visits but they seem like such a waste of my time. : I have really felt that I am already taking care of myself and have been, and am doing a fine job of it. The visits interrupt our day of homeschooling which is frustrating as well, since I feel they are unnessasary, honestly.He really agrees with these points and trusts me to be responsible. He's seen me do that already.
Having a UC just naturally goes along with how I feel already-to not be bothered with the impatient medical staff. (I was induced all three times unnessasarily)
And, he remembers how our first three births were and couldn't disagree that it was very stressful, and he's all for less stress this time. He also, has seen how much this means to me, and I think he really believes we can do it together because he's seen me labor and give birth naturally (in an unnatural place- the hospital) even tho I did it laying flat on my back in the hospital bed, with an anesthesigiolist coming in every 5 min. asking me if I wanted drugs or an epidural and seeing me tell them " NO, I am NOT going to change my mind..leave me alone!" -and him feeling like he was on the outside. We both want gentler birth experiences
and to feel more in control of things.

So, I guess in my situation, what we've already been through together speaks louder than anything in the way of persuasion. We are both persuaded that homebirth WILL be all that we hope it to be. We are just so glad for the second chance that God has given us and are very protective of our babies and birth from now on. We are just different parents all the way around, you might say.

Your testimony of how your dh felt afterwards in the end is such an encouragement to me. I want to share it with my own dh.

Congratulations on your new baby!

Looking forward to the birth of our sweet babe, : due Oct. 31,2005

: for a beautiful UC with my husband and children
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#37 of 37 Old 08-04-2005, 11:49 PM - Thread Starter
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What a great thread and VERY multifaceted!

When I said that "studying the process can only dispell fears" , I should have clarified that I meant the "unassisted birth" process as opposed to the medically managed process. It's true that we can easily fill our heads with alot of junk because that's what is mostly out there. That could definitely lead to more fear. Trying to think of everything that might go wrong is not what I meant by "studying". Simply addressing your fears by researching how other women UC'd was the point I was trying to make. Of course, this board is integral to that quest and I'm not coming down on women who are asking questions here. That's alot of what this board is about, right? That's certainly what I use it for!

Though I was excited about my UC decision, we had a lot of fears initially. I got on a lot of UC boards and read alot of books (UC friendly books) so that I had answers to all of my questions. Also, we both liked the Emergency Childbirth manual beacuse it was so straight forward and simple. It made us feel like any "emergency" could be handled by less intervention.

However, like one of you posted, alot of the birth is probably going to be instinctual. For me, I feel like in order to feel my instinct about what the baby needs during delivery, my fears will need to be quieted and hubby needs to be trusting in the process too. Reading the other posts underscores how different our needs are. Some of you choose to "feel it out" while others of us (probably first time mamas especially) want some facts because we've never gone through it before.

As for me and DH, he really wants my Mom present because she is a nurse and she had me and my sister at home in the early 70s. I resisted at first. Then, I acquiesed. It is important to me that he feel confident and that he has some say in the birth and that is a compromise that I was willing to make. He did all of the research that he needed to do to feel comfortable, but he still wants my Mom there. I am choosing to honor this. However, she is 4 hours away and you never know!

Thank you everyone for sharing your opinions and stories. Definitely food for thought!


Finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...:
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