Uncomfortable with all the lying - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 08-29-2005, 10:32 AM - Thread Starter
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This is really just a vent, so feel free to stop reading if you get bored.

So I'm 6 months pregnant with my first and having a UP/UC. Dh is totally on board and very supportive. Everyone else thinks that I've been seeing an OB at my (former, as of June) University's health clinic, and that I will be hiring a midwife for a home birth when after we move, 7 weeks before the birth.

When we started out, I thought that just not divulging certain details would be enough, but at about 12-14 weeks I started getting the "you HAVE been to a doctor, haven't you" comments, and since then I've been lying through my teeth to everyone who asks. Dh can't lie to save his life (bless him) so he just doesn't say anything and leaves it up to me. I really don't like it either, but we've agreed that the lying is better than having to deal with everyone else's baggage...or worse yet, a "well-meaning" family member trying to thwart our plans.

I guess I just need to vent my frustration that I have to keep this a secret, and I'm looking for some BDTD support. I'm also looking for advice on how to deal with my mom. I'm pretty sure she thinks she'll be at the birth (I had mentioned having her there before I was even pregnant or considering a UC, but there's no way I'd want her there now). And I'm afraid she'll get suspicious about the ficticious midwife, since we'll be living very close to my parents. She knows my university insurance runs out at the end of August, that I won't be seeing anyone for a couple months, and that I've been (and will continue to) take my own blood pressure, measure my fundus and weigh myself in the mean time. This seems to be okay with her.

Our plan is to tell her we have a midwife after we move and let her think that we'll call her when I go into labor. Then call her after the baby's born, when she comes say that I felt like I had to labor alone, and when she asks about the midwife tell her that we just had one for backup and we were planning on birthing alone unless we had any problems. I feel like it will be easier to convince her UC is okay when she's holding her healthy, happy grandchild. This (along with my "shadow" self prenatal care) will also make it easier to have a planned UC next time and not have to keep it a secret.

So this is my existing and planned web of lies. It looks so underhanded and nasty when I put it all out like that, but it seems like the most viable option. Am I crazy for planning something like this and will it backfire on me? For those of you who are also having a "secret" UC, how do you deal with the guilt and frustration of lying?

Thanks for reading.

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#2 of 9 Old 08-29-2005, 11:53 AM
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Been there mama! It was tough to keep it a secret. Everyone saying "What did the doctor say?" Sadly we live in a society who equates such matters with a doctor. Hey what can you do?
Lying sucks, but ya know what would suck even more? Someone riding you for being so irresponsible, and putting the kybosh on your whole ideal birth plan...(btw- it's not irresponsible :LOL)
Right now...its all about you mama. Everything needs to be just right for you and your birth.
Now, the flipside is, if you do tell them, what if their reaction is different from what you assume it to be?
Is that a chance you want to take? We didn't. After the birth, we slowly let family in on the secret and suprisingly, 2 of my 5 siblings were cool with it. My brother actually thinks I am superwoman for not having any drugs! Apparently I am the family bada$$!
My advice is to smile and nod and say the doctor says everything is great. Then pass the chips.
All my best and welcome to the club!

Mama to 5 babies. UCer, too!
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#3 of 9 Old 08-29-2005, 04:41 PM
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just had a similar situation myself...we really did have a midwife for awhile, but stopped going to her...i said we were still seeing her for about a month, then said we were looking for another one...then just stopped answering the phone and tried to stay clear of family (not easy, but better than lying). So as the day go closer, I finally said to my mom...who couldn't stop asking me "what we were doing" that we were calling the midwife if we "needed" her. she had no idea what i was talking about... but in any case we didn't even have one, and she never knew. the midwife was 911. So, anyway, we had the baby 5 days ago. Afterward, when everyone asked the details, we just said that we didn't need help...that we could do it ourselves. and everyone thinks it was so amazing. My mom came over about 2 hours later. When she realized what happened she was totally mean about it all. she kept rolling her eyes, even made a mean comment about the name we picked out. I would have normally been shooken up about this type of thing, but i could see what was going on the clearly--She just couldn't believe that there wasn't more drama. Everything was ok? she couldn't believe it. we were still idiots for doing it alone. we were "lucky". That's how my whole family acted. SO what i learned is, that no matter if the UC goes PERFECT (as ours) or something happens...most people still just can't handle it. You have to be brave! you can do it! things will turn out great!
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#4 of 9 Old 08-29-2005, 05:03 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you for the responses. The reassurance feels good! I know lying is the best way to go with this (for my sake, the baby's, and all of theirs), but it still isn't easy.
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#5 of 9 Old 08-29-2005, 08:53 PM
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Oh, btdt! Doesn't it suck to have family members you can't trust to leave you to your own decisions?

I lied only to my parents because really, they didn't want to know the truth. Everyone else who asked got the truth. And they still think we had a midwife and that I saw a dr. for my prenatal care... even though it's been a while since Pearl was born. For us, it was the best plan.

Best of luck with your last trimester and the birth!

rural mama to DD1 DD2
unschooling, non-vaxing, writing, gardening, co-sleeping, critter-loving family :
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#6 of 9 Old 08-31-2005, 06:17 AM
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You know, in this case, lying is protecting you. It's protection against all the dingleberries out there who will try to "talk sense" into you, who will give you their horror stories, who will berate you and make fun of you and all the rest.

But now it's time for a new tactic.

"Talking about the upcoming birth causes me stress. Would you please pass the bean dip?"

Just keep havin' 'em pass various foods around and avoid avoid avoid. No one in their right minds (except for most OBs and some midwives, that is) wants to purposefully stress out a pregnant woman! So if you tell them that it's causing you stress and they keep talking, you can rightfully just end the conversation there.

Pass the bean dip. lol. It's something I just recently started hearing (and the first reply-er mentioned chips), and something I can't wait to use.
baileyb likes this.
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#7 of 9 Old 09-01-2005, 12:42 AM
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No guilt. No frustration. I just had to realize that my own personal comfort was what was important, and lying to people in order to protect myself from their "well-meaning" interference was what they deserved. So, my parents, who knew we were planning a homebirth, thought the midwife was going to be there. Everyone else just assumed we were going to the hospital, and never even asked. Afterwards, I did not get so much as one comment on what we did. No negativity. I'm not sure why, for sure, but I'm pretty sure I give off strong "DON'T F@#% WITH ME" vibes, LOL!!!!

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#8 of 9 Old 09-01-2005, 12:51 AM
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Okay, I haven't had a UC, but I don't take my kids to the doc, and so I have to kinda fib a little on that. Just because my mom strongly believes Dr's are decended from heaven, or whatever. So, if she asks me if the boys have gone to the doc lately, I just tell her, yep, and everything's fine, why??? I ask the why part because it usually kinda gets her to think about why is she asking? In a "don't you trust me to take care of my kiddos" sort of way. Does that make sense?
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#9 of 9 Old 09-05-2005, 12:24 PM
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I'm in exactly your position right now. I'm Due Oct 11 and while I've told some people about having a UC (mainly girlfriends and others who's opinon doesn't matter to me much) I'm keeping it a secret from my family. They all know that I'm having a homebirth and while that took some convincing that it was safe (it was my original plan to have a midwife there til she quit and I couldn't find anyone else) they're all ok with it. It's hard for me to lie to my family, I think they would understand, they're good about not wanting to meddle (after all they trusted my decision to marry a man I had only known 6 months after finding out I'm pregnant. "Just wanted to let you know that I'm getting married on tuesday and expecting a baby in october" : yes that was all in one sentence to my parents) but It's just a risk I don't want to take of having to defend myself to my own family. It's hard for my husband to lie to his parents as well (he's a horrible liar) but we both know it's for the best. We are going to tell them all the truth after the baby is born and they see a healthy little girl staring at them, so it will be easier to convince them it's safe .
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