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Old 09-13-2005, 10:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My inlaws are completely different from my family. The have always been really intrusive (when allowed) and nosey and think they have the right to be this way. I love them but cn only take them in doses as I am a very private person by nature and they cant be around you without asking a million questions (even personal ones).

Anyway with our last birth (hospital birth) We let them come to the hospital but when we got home dh told them that we were taking a few days to get settled in cause i needed some time to adjust as it was my first time breastfeeding and making the adjustment from one to 2 kids. They were highly offended that they couldnt come over the second we walked in teh door. They made some smart comments but complied somewhat.

My SIL however, came over after the first night, I had been up all night with baby and it was 10 am and me and baby were just getting good rest and she came knocking. Well I have no probs not ansering the phone or door but then she proceeded to band on our bedroom window which only made me more angry cause she was told only the day before we werent taking visitors yet. She called and called from her cell whle she was doing this.

DH finally got on the phone and told her it was rude and we didnt appreciate that and we were sleeping and she made it out like we were intentionally keeping her neice from her. This woman is extrememly selfish and I have a hard time understanding her. She is always fussing we dont let her see our daughter yet she doesnt even keep her own children, other people do because she spends her time in the bars or with her married boyfriend or other guy of the moment.

I really have been thinking about his family (especially his mom) the others will get over it but I dont want to hurt his moms feelings but I dont know how to get the message across to the inlaws that I dont need them coming over the very minute she is born holding her and exposing her to all kinda germs (they stay sick a lot)

Any time i make requests like this they make me out to be a selfish person and just trying to make things dificult.

I have a feeling there is no way around hurting their feelings or making them mad I should say. But I really have to stand by this I feel. They are super nosey and will ask one million questions which i dont intend to lie about but after laboring and giving birth the last thing I want to do the same day is defend my choices to people who dont repect me anyway. (yet another reason to delay visitation)

Anyone else have this prob or any advice?
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Old 09-14-2005, 01:57 AM
 
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I say start cutting contact and spacing it out now. Then don't tell them when the baby is born- should buy you at least a week or so.

good luck!

-Angela
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Old 09-14-2005, 05:08 AM
 
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Well, you can always wait a week or two and then tell them you had the baby...Underhanded? Yes. But unless you see these people several times a week, it would probably work.

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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Old 09-14-2005, 12:45 PM
 
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I am lurking as I'm planning a fourth but I had this same problem with the inlaws with dd two years ago. She was their first grandchild (although my third child) and they were here within hours. I had dd in hospital (transfer) at 8am on the Wednesday, was home by 11am and SIL was here by 7pm.

MIL and miserable FIL were here at 12 noon Thursday and SIL returned that evening for 'another hold'. I honestly felt like I hadn't held my own child for any length of time except to feed her in the first 2 days.

This time I plan on not announcing the due date to start with then then tell them about the birth after we have settled and had some time together. My mum felt that we may be inundated so arranged to come on the Monday and stay at a local guest house for a few days. That was just right and I hope for something similar with the inlaws this time around.

It may feel mean to them but your needs as a family come first. Unfortunately newborns are like flowers to a bee......
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Old 09-14-2005, 04:12 PM
 
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Put a note on the door:
"No admittance unless you are cooking meals or cleaning the house!" That'll keep 'em away!
You could also stay in bed "asleep" with the baby when they visit.

I do agree with a previous poster who said you should limit your contact NOW that way it won't be as difficult later.
And yes, you could call a few days to a week after the baby is born and tell them.

I plan on having a note on the door and turning the ringer off on the phone. When we first got home from the hospital, everyone wanted to hold my daughter, and I let them. We had a lot of breastfeeding issues anyway, and her crying in their arms to eat while they tried to soothe her didn't help. This time, I'm going to be like a wild momma bear and not let anyone hold her for days! And we're not letting people in either. I will have my sister staying with me, she's very good at telling people to go away. :P I really want to enjoy our babymoon this time.

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Old 09-14-2005, 04:38 PM
 
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Make clear that it isn't personal, but that you need some private time after the birth. If they aren't decent enough people to respect that -- well, just let them be mad if they want to be mad. It doesn't sound like you'll be missing anything not having them around.
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Old 09-15-2005, 12:50 AM
 
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Since people have already posted good, serious advice, I'll handle the inappropriate, but "oh wouldn't you just love too?" advice:

Hire a bouncer. In fact, I'd love, ABSOLUTELY love to have a job where I got to forcibly march intrusive inlaws away from people's homes. But I don't have the upper arm strength for it . :LOL

Call the police and report trespassers. "No officer, we've told our families that we need a few days to rest, none of them would come over now." "Well, yes, that is my SIL's name, but I really can't believe that she would come over." :LOL :LOL

Harder to manage, but if all else fails, see if you can "accidentally" drop nasty baby things over the inlaws. "Oops, I thought I had that cloth diaper fastened better." "That's better, get that nasty gas bubble all out, oh, um, MIL, you might want to go home and change, NO! don't sit on the couch. Here's a bag to put on your car seat."
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Old 09-15-2005, 03:32 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sapphire_chan
Harder to manage, but if all else fails, see if you can "accidentally" drop nasty baby things over the inlaws. "Oops, I thought I had that cloth diaper fastened better." "That's better, get that nasty gas bubble all out, oh, um, MIL, you might want to go home and change, NO! don't sit on the couch. Here's a bag to put on your car seat."
love it...just love it.

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Old 09-15-2005, 08:52 AM
 
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Y'know, I was thinking wander around nekkid and just sit on a towel on the couch. Bonus points for putting your feet up on the coffee table & explaining you're "airing out your yoni". :LOL Or you could set up an easel in the livingroom & paint with your lochia. That would probably get rid of them for a good long while...

No, I'm not being serious.

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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Old 09-15-2005, 11:17 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Sagesgirl
Bonus points for putting your feet up on the coffee table & explaining you're "airing out your yoni". :LOL Or you could set up an easel in the livingroom & paint with your lochia.
[
: That just gave me the funniest mental image...thanks for the laugh!!!
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Old 09-15-2005, 02:58 PM
 
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just wanted to add....

leave all your bloody towels & stuff strewn around the house, and keep the placenta in the fridge or freezer, LABELED (preferably in a clear container) right next to dinner. hehe


okay, I think this thread has gotten out of control :LOL :LOL :LOL

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Old 09-16-2005, 07:02 AM
 
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Offer them some placenta stew! Whether you make it or not!

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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Old 09-20-2005, 03:16 AM
 
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I love the wander naked idea. That's actually not a bad idea, "Well, we'd love to have you, but we must warn you that we're planning on skin-to-skin contact for the first couple of weeks, so you may want to wait until I start wearing clothes around the house again." :LOL

Greet them at the door with a mop. "So sorry, can't talk now, feeding baby, you don't mind dealing with the blood? Good."
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Old 10-03-2005, 06:32 PM
 
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Offer them some placenta stew! Whether you make it or not!
:

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Old 10-03-2005, 08:50 PM
 
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There are lots of funny ideas here but seriously....you are going to have to put your feet down now because this will only get worse if you don't. The sooner they understand you will hold your limits and that you DON'T CARE if they call you selfish, the sooner they will back off. You can also tell them your doctor told you about the Korean 21 Day Rule-- this is a true thing-- in Korea, the practice was to not allow anyone into the house for 21 days after the baby's birth, and only mother and father and siblings in the house. This was told to me by a Korean man who was genuinely horrified when I brought my two week old daughter into his store. The more I thought about what he said, the more I liked it and thought if I ever had another child I would do at least a 14 day rule.
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Old 10-03-2005, 09:01 PM
 
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As a newly birthed mama- I would let DH deal with them. Just set the rules up. No knocking, no phone in the bedroom, no visitors until you deem it ness. Have your dh deal with any backlash- and then ask him to NOT tell you what they said. He is just as important at standing firm for his dear wife and newborn.
If they insist and actually show up- Do not answer the door, or phone. Post a sign that explains very clearly on the front door your wishes.
"Mama and baby are bonding-NO visitors or calls today. Thank you"
Also, if you use an answering machine, have DH leave a message on the machine occasionally that indicates how everyone is doing. Mostly, when they call, they'll want to know all the irrelevent stuff (sleeping well, eating well, getting plenty of rest, etc)
Are you considering any post partum care? trusting relative, or doula? They can be very firm for you should there be any visitors...
Hey- were there people knocking on your bedroom door during your honeymoon? A babymoon should be no different (even if your escape is the bedroom.)
I wish you all the best in your adventure and soon to be babymoon.

Mama to 5 babies. UCer, too!
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Old 10-03-2005, 09:13 PM
 
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You should definatly have a plan in place(no matter what you do). I ended up having an emergency c-section and due to the epidural medication and the 3 days of labour I was completly out of it for about 8 hours after ds was born. Needless to say I was about the sixth person to have contact with my babe. For the next baby we are not even going to tell people the baby was born until way way after

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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Old 10-04-2005, 01:50 AM
 
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i don't remember who said it but about calling the police and reporting tresspassers... i have had to do this once but it got the point across. it was the moring after i birthed my second set of twins and my MIL and FIL showed up after being explicitly told we needed to rest..well i let them visit and see the babies but we refused to let them hold them or touch them and my FIL got all pissed off and started YELLING at me about how i was trying to control their son (what the two have to do with each other i have no idea) and standing right next to the babies (ready for absolute shock and horror?) LIT A CIGARETTE!!!!! no dh and i smoke but never ,ever around our children..NEVER! and they know this..so we told them to leave..they went outside and stood on the lawn loudly talking about how rude and bitchy i am..so i called the police and reported trespassers..and it felt GOOD!

be firm and don't back down..this is your time with your new lil bundle and your husband. they WILL get over it eventually.
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Old 10-24-2005, 11:37 PM
 
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We have babymoons. It's one thing if we decide to go out with our children. It's something else to have demanding ILs over expecting to hold the new baby. We said a month with our son. We told dh's parents 6 weeks with dd. Dh thinks we should add two weeks for each child. I really like telling the ILs that!

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Old 11-04-2005, 01:28 PM
 
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My Granny always said "They can get glad in the same pants they got mad in."

Do what is right for you, they will get over it.
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Old 11-04-2005, 01:39 PM
 
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[QUOTE=7kiddosmom]"They can get glad in the same pants they got mad in."
QUOTE]

:

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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Old 11-05-2005, 01:39 AM
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I second the cop idea.

I acctually called my local police department when I was planning a *midwife attended* homebirth to see if I could enlist their help in keeping Bio-idiot the wonder monkey's father and girlfriend at the time out *I hated the witch hated hated HATED her* when I was in labour. They said to call as soon as they informed up they were leaving their town *6hr+ drive and they always called when they were about to leave.* and they'd send two officers to sit outside.

Lovely police officers



And yes I would have done it too. Of course if I get pregnant while living here and acctually STAY for the duration of my pregnancy *Military life gotta love it* I'm gonna have to acctually notify the MP's as to what's going on because I'm in a duplex, THIN THIN walls....don't need a THU THU THU OPEN UP IN THERE THIS IS THE POLICE! and then have my DH explain the fact that he's NOT beating the crap out of me, but I"m having a baby....*I'm a pretty vocal birther*
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Old 11-05-2005, 05:54 AM
 
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THU THU THU OPEN UP IN THERE THIS IS THE POLICE! and then have my DH explain the fact that he's NOT beating the crap out of me, but I"m having a baby....*I'm a pretty vocal birther*
This gave me a little giggle
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Old 11-06-2005, 09:12 PM
 
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I haven't read the other responses but this is what I would do since you want to maintain a relationship with his mom at least...

Make a very nice little letter that says something to the effect of:
"Haveing a baby is physically and emotionally exhausting for mom, baby and even dad. We all need time to rest. Mom needs time to heal, regain her strength and get accustom to breastfeeding and this baby's sleep habits. As a family we have added a whole new person so we need the time to get to know them and redifine our new family. Just like a newly married couple has a honeymoon to spend time alone together becoming adjusted as a new "family" we will have a babymoon. We ask that no one call or visit in the first two weeks (or what ever time seems appropriate to you) We will be sure to call everyone as soon after the birth as possible to give you all the statistics and we'll post pictures online (if this is possible for you) as soon as we are taking visitors we will call and invite you to come over for an hour to visit with the baby. There will be no more than 3 vistors in a day and we hope that no one will be hurt if they aren't the first. We know that you all love us and want only the best for us. We feel that the best for our family is to spend time resting and recouperating and keeping healthy."

If they baulk at it they don't get called for visting time :P
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Old 11-06-2005, 11:42 PM
 
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I haven't read the other responses but this is what I would do since you want to maintain a relationship with his mom at least...

Make a very nice little letter that says something to the effect of:
"Haveing a baby is physically and emotionally exhausting for mom, baby and even dad. We all need time to rest. Mom needs time to heal, regain her strength and get accustom to breastfeeding and this baby's sleep habits. As a family we have added a whole new person so we need the time to get to know them and redifine our new family. Just like a newly married couple has a honeymoon to spend time alone together becoming adjusted as a new "family" we will have a babymoon. We ask that no one call or visit in the first two weeks (or what ever time seems appropriate to you) We will be sure to call everyone as soon after the birth as possible to give you all the statistics and we'll post pictures online (if this is possible for you) as soon as we are taking visitors we will call and invite you to come over for an hour to visit with the baby. There will be no more than 3 vistors in a day and we hope that no one will be hurt if they aren't the first. We know that you all love us and want only the best for us. We feel that the best for our family is to spend time resting and recouperating and keeping healthy."

If they baulk at it they don't get called for visting time :P
I like that. I wonder if it would actually work with my MIL.

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Old 11-13-2005, 02:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Sagesgirl
Y'know, I was thinking wander around nekkid and just sit on a towel on the couch. Bonus points for putting your feet up on the coffee table & explaining you're "airing out your yoni". :LOL Or you could set up an easel in the livingroom & paint with your lochia. That would probably get rid of them for a good long while...

No, I'm not being serious.
*giggle* Now that, I would probably consider

We did have people stopping by the evening dd was born (she was born in the AM) but they didn't stay long and SIL brought dinner, and I have never been so happy to see food!

I agree with distancing yourself so they won't bug you so much, and you are under no obligation to let anyone know you had the baby until you feel ready for their company.

And personally, I would have called the cops on your SIL :
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