EDD in 10 days, wishing for a UC - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 05-02-2006, 02:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
flowmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 4,339
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I hope it's OK to post about this here.

My baby is coming soon and I'm really sad because my dreams of having a UC don't look like they'll be realized. This is my second and last baby. I've known about and believed in UC since before my first birth, but with my first birth I compromised with a MW-attended homebirth (something I had to talk dh into).

Ds was born with a tight nuchal cord and emerged limp, blue, and non-breathing. the MWs did tons of interventions on him and the whole thing ended up being surreal as over 10 emergency personnel started invading my home (after ds was breathing and crying) and were hard to get rid of. In retrospect, I questioned a lot of what happened in the birth. But dh did and does accept the MW's rationale for everything and believes that they saved his life, even though they endangered ds by immediate cord cutting, etc.

Even before getting PG with #2, I let dh know that I wanted a UC this time. Well, in spite of over a year of trying to convince dh (through various means), he absolutely refuses to accept a UC. Our compromise this time is planning a birth with the "midwife in the other room". The midwife is very hand-off and not part of the medical system, but I am not fooling myself that I will have a UC. Dh thinks it would be a UC and just doesn't get it - thinks I'm just being difficult. The MW is very nice but I don't want to bond with her or include her in anything.

I can't seem to let go of wanting a UC. It would be really hard to arrange a solo UC because I have a 2.5 yo to take care of and dh will probably be around a lot soon. Plus it's not my nature to lie or mislead people. Also, dh was a wonderful support person during my last birth and he really helped me to cope.

I'm worried about not being at peace with my birth plans...I just can't seem to accept the reality here.

sharing life with | 10 yo ds | 8 yo dd | dh (since 2012)
"I am not what happened to me...I am what I choose to become." ~ Carl Jung
flowmom is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-02-2006, 03:50 AM
 
Milkymommi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wherever the Wind Blows
Posts: 1,632
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ya know... men have a way of suddenly realizing that their partners are RIGHT when they are in labor Something about when a man sees his love in pain he seems to feel the need to meet his partners wishes It works with naming the babe... food wishes... rub my feet, back etc... get down on all fours and let me sit on YOU... How about " Honey, I can't do this with the midwife here" Don't forget to wait until you have a few tears in your eyes so he sees you're not playing. No deciet there, mama!! A little manipulation , yes but it's all honest. Just taking advantage of what some may call a male flaw... I call it the genious of the creator of the man so their stubborn ways don't interfere LOL!!

All toungue in cheek but really... maybe you should wait until it's time to make it very clear you are not comfortable and need to feel safe in your birth environment. He may see your point once it's more real. Ya never know.

Ima to Mizz.Jonas- 14, Isman- 12,Javsar- 9, Nani Gweesa- 4 and Baby Micah born into the Universe sleeping at full term Oct. 19th 2008 and Partner to Abba ~ belly.gif8/2011  Grateful to be Dead  broc1.gif
Milkymommi is offline  
Old 05-02-2006, 11:34 AM
 
MamaTaraX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 3,444
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
She's right. It might work out to just say when you are in labor that you're notcomfortable with themidwife coming. Having amidwife off in some other room that does absolutely nothing unless you yell for her tohelp doesn't sound so bad, that's how I think midwives should be anyway But anyway, its your birth. You could always tellyour DH thatthe only way the midwife is coming is if he calls. I tried that with my DH, btw (and I *lovedlovedloved* my midwife) and he agreed to it. My labor was too fast andwierdthough so, I called her but I wouldn't haveifI would have known how it was going to turnout (don't read thatworng, it was a grfeat birth!) I lostmy trainof thought but... I hope you canfind peace with whatever happens.

Namaste, Tara
MamaTaraX is offline  
Old 05-02-2006, 12:10 PM
 
cottonwood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 7,153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
LOL, Tara, having trouble with your keyboard there?

Ksenia, I'm so sorry, I feel your pain. After my intervention-filled first birth, do you know what my husband wanted to do? He wanted to hire the same midwife again. He assumed as I had at first that she had saved us, rather than created the problems. It was quite the task even to get him to agree to a different midwife. He wouldn't have been comfortable with a UC at that point. If I had been set on it (I was only just starting to have the idea enter my consciousness) I don't know what I would have done. But I know that if he had said 'no' to my last UC it would have put a great strain on things regardless of what decision I would have ended up making.

I agree, a midwife in the next room is not the same as a midwife not in the house. Psychologically you can feel her there. Perhaps a compromise would be for him to not call until you are deep in active labor, but do it out of your range so that you're not aware of it, and ask the midwife not to make her presence known once she gets there. I realize it's not ideal, but maybe you'll be so far in laborland at that point that your conscious mind will not have a chance to think of her unless it's prompted by the knowledge that she is in fact there.

When I had my first UC, a family member showed up just before I went into transition. Oh my gosh, talk about distracting! But once she left the room, my mind let go of her being there -- in fact, I was so unaware of her that I did not know if she was still there or if she had left the house. And I was able to have a spontaneous, private birth. To be honest, it wasn't the brief distraction and the possibility of her being in the house that was so upsetting to me afterwards -- it was her running into the room after the baby was born, laughing and crying. That was a HUGE intrusion. So perhaps, just being clear with your husband and the midwife on when it is appropriate for her to enter the room -- she doesn't do it unless it is *obvious* that something is wrong. Remind him of what is normal for you during birth and what the baby looks and acts like immediately after birth and how long it is normal for the baby to take to breathe, etc. Hopefully that will increase your chances of having a truly private birth.
cottonwood is offline  
Old 05-02-2006, 03:57 PM
 
ecurlycue's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 138
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow what a position to be in.
THe bottom line is that you have to live with the decision you make for the rest of your life and no one else can live it for you. I am sure you understand already as this is why the decision is so agonizing for you. No one else has to push that baby out of their vagina but you. That is the point of view I took when I was in a somehwat similar position. I didnt have the option for a homebirth with a midwife , it was a hospital, and there was no convincing my partner that I could do it at home. Anyway I waited for him to go off to work and called a friend over to watch my kids for me(she knew and was the only one who knew what I was planning.) I waited until he left for work to "get down to business" and work with my body instead of fighting it. As soon as the conditions were right in my head it went super fast and smotth and I gave birth to my UC dd at home by myself and I called my friend in to catch her after I had pushed her head out. I called dp right after I had her. He missed out on being there for her birth but I dont feel bad for it one single bit. I feel like if he had taken the time to educate himself then he would have been there to take part. I So it was his choice after I told him what I wanted and he decided that he knew what was best for him.

I wish you the best of luck in trying to make a decision, and a very happy and peaceful birth! I iwll be thinking of you:-)
ecurlycue is offline  
Old 05-03-2006, 04:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
flowmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 4,339
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by fourlittlebirds
Perhaps a compromise would be for him to not call until you are deep in active labor, but do it out of your range so that you're not aware of it, and ask the midwife not to make her presence known once she gets there. I realize it's not ideal, but maybe you'll be so far in laborland at that point that your conscious mind will not have a chance to think of her unless it's prompted by the knowledge that she is in fact there.
Well, during my last labour I never really got so deep into labourland that I didn't notice things that were going on. Around transition someone spilled grape juice on my bedroom carpet and they thought I didn't notice - ha! I hope that more privacy this time will help me to focus on labour more. The problem is that we live in a small apartment - it's really hard to avoid being aware of people even if they're in another room.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Milkymommi
men have a way of suddenly realizing that their partners are RIGHT when they are in labor Something about when a man sees his love in pain he seems to feel the need to meet his partners wishes
Hmm, you don't know my dh .
Quote:
Originally Posted by ecurlycue
Anyway I waited for him to go off to work and called a friend over to watch my kids for me(she knew and was the only one who knew what I was planning.) I waited until he left for work to "get down to business" and work with my body instead of fighting it.
Good for you! Believe me I have considered this option but dh is taking a lot of time off work specifically to be around. I think he suspects that I would try to UC while he was gone if I could get away with it although I hate sneaking around.

sharing life with | 10 yo ds | 8 yo dd | dh (since 2012)
"I am not what happened to me...I am what I choose to become." ~ Carl Jung
flowmom is offline  
Old 05-07-2006, 06:39 PM
 
provocativa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,778
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I'm due in 2 weeks and would love to UC, but mostly because I can't afford the midwife, or food, this week. But I wish you could have my midwife! She has a birth video and is completely hands off when the mom wants, some of the births all she does is gently remind the mom not to squat on the baby's head when it comes out. I'm sure she would let a husband do that, and just listen in the next room.
provocativa is offline  
Old 05-07-2006, 09:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
flowmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 4,339
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by provocativa
But I wish you could have my midwife! She has a birth video and is completely hands off when the mom wants, some of the births all she does is gently remind the mom not to squat on the baby's head when it comes out.
I think my MW will be like that, but I don't think that you can have a UC with a MW in the next room. She will be psychologically there and if dh is not trusting the process I'm sure he won't hesitate to involve her... I am hoping for an unhindered birth, though, which I wasn't able to experience with ds.

sharing life with | 10 yo ds | 8 yo dd | dh (since 2012)
"I am not what happened to me...I am what I choose to become." ~ Carl Jung
flowmom is offline  
Old 05-08-2006, 01:06 PM
 
barefoot mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,451
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ksenia,

Would your dh agree to call the mw late in labor? Or at least take a "wait and see" approach as far as when you will call her?

That way it's possible he wouldn't know how labor was progressing and would not think it necessary to call, although he wouldn't feel like he was not going to call her at all, which might make him feel safer about the whole thing.

It could turn out to be "Oh my goodness, baby is crowning. Well, too late now".

It would be impossible for me to labor the way I want to with a mw in the next room, too. Just having my sister there to watch the other kids at my first UC virtually stopped my labor. And she kept her mouth shut!

Good luck. I hope it turns out the way you want it to!
barefoot mama is offline  
Old 05-08-2006, 01:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
flowmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 4,339
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by barefoot mama
Would your dh agree to call the mw late in labor? Or at least take a "wait and see" approach as far as when you will call her?
I really don't know because it was hard to know when "late" was last time. I'm sure he'd want to call her as soon as I'm in active labour because he's heard of precipitous labour and second babies often coming faster. I don't think it's because he wants handholding from the MW, it's because he's afraid of crises when the baby actually comes out (like we had last time) so he wouldn't risk her not being there during that.

sharing life with | 10 yo ds | 8 yo dd | dh (since 2012)
"I am not what happened to me...I am what I choose to become." ~ Carl Jung
flowmom is offline  
Old 05-08-2006, 02:48 PM
 
provocativa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,778
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I agree about the psychological block. I've even considered giving the midwife a key to the back door. she can let herself in and dh won't have to leave my side- the way our house is set up I wouldn't know she's there unless I asked.
provocativa is offline  
Old 05-09-2006, 06:45 AM
 
Japanmamma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 54
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Could you tell the midwife that you had really hoped for an UC but hubby was against it. So he'll be calling her. But you would still like for your experience to be as close to an UC as possible thus you'll be setting a chair out in the hallway for her you'd appreciate it if she would wait there until she's called. And tell DH that you don't want him to call the midwife from the hallway unless there's a problem. Thus if baby comes out no problems he can peek out into the hallway tell her everythings ok and she can go home now. She'll never come in the apt. unless there's a real need for her.
Japanmamma is offline  
Old 05-09-2006, 02:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
flowmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 4,339
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Hi Japanmamma,

I wouldn't ask the MW to wait outside our apartment - that would be outdoors, plus it would feel rude. That's part of the problem of hiring a MW, having to consider her feelings and situation, etc. She's been great about my birth plan and respecting my wishes, but it's still a relationship to navigate, especially with respect to trust issues. It's an extra variable in the whole birth, and I think that's why it cannot really be considered a UC.

sharing life with | 10 yo ds | 8 yo dd | dh (since 2012)
"I am not what happened to me...I am what I choose to become." ~ Carl Jung
flowmom is offline  
Old 05-10-2006, 01:04 AM
 
Rockies5's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,491
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Its a tough situation. Maybe another compromise could be that you say when the mw is called?

You'll probably have a blissful labor all day long while he's at work. There are completely hands-off non-medical unobtrusive MWS out there. I'd talk to HER about your issues, she's the one attending the birth and he knows more about how birting affects a woman then your partner does. My MW (who knew she was only invited for me to have someone to chat with, and to keep dh occupied and do all the stuff afterwards) was fully accepting of my UC's and really was compassionate to what I needed in order to be myself. Her presense did have an effect on me, but it simply counterbalanced the effect of having my MIL in my guest room

Carrie, The Birthteacher CCE and Doula, real mom to five; and womb-mom to G. born at 23w by emergency C. 12/09
Rockies5 is offline  
Old 05-12-2006, 09:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
flowmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 4,339
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
The lilacs are blooming now and our newest family member was born last
night, at 9:15 PM on her May 11 due date. Early labour started at 7 AM but
took a while to pick up. Ds had my sister there as his labour support
person, but he really wanted to hang out with us until his 5 yo neighbour
friend came home, after which he mostly stayed at the neighbour's house. By
4 PM the contractions were pretty excrutiating with only occasional short
breaks. I must have walked miles in our apartment, eventually walking,
leaning and squatting at the same time, supported by my dh as I walked
through the pain. The pain was centered on my lower belly and I used a hot
water bottle there to soothe it. I coped by breathing, toning, and listening
to Tibetan Buddhist chanting. And relying on dh's constant physical and
emotional support when I got realy tired and discouraged. Ds occasionally
came in to check on us before going back to play. It's hard to say when the
pushing stage started - transition was not very distinct with the pushes
gradually getting added onto the painful contractions. Eventually I got into
our bathtub, which didn't help much but got me into a different position. My
waters broke with a huge pop in the tub, happily with no meconium visible.
Soon after I moved to our bed where I pushed out the baby's head, supporting
myself with my hand. The body quickly followed, caught by dh. By some
incredible toddler telepathy, ds brought himself home just before the baby
was born, and he and my wide-eyed sister saw the whole thing. Ds delightedly
cried "new baby!" upon seeing his sister for the first time. Her entry into
the world was very peaceful but she was quite alert, gazing around and soon
exploring my nipple. It was such a joy to experience private family bonding
time. The placenta birthed easily and my blood loss was minimal.

After the birth I found out that our Traditional Birth Attendant, Gloria
Lemay, had been on standby at our neighbour's house since 6 PM. Dh had kept
her apprised of my progress by secret phone calls without mentioning her to
me once. We invited her in to see the baby and she helped with cleanup. It
ended up being a perfect compromise between what I wanted (unassisted
childbirth) and what dh wanted (the reassurance of immediate medical
assistance if we needed it). The birth provided closure on what had been a
very difficult conflict between us and I am so grateful to have had the
birth experience that I dreamed of.

I am feeling great today. My parts are in great shape with only tiny
abrasions. Our baby is very alert and nursing lots, and so beautiful with a
full head of medium brown hair. Today found out that she weighs 8 lbs 14 oz.
Dh is a delighted papa and ds is carrying on with life as usual, with small
doses of getting to know his little sister.

Blissed out in babyland,
Ksenia

dh Stephan
ds Wolfi (2.5 yo)
dd ?? (<24 hrs)

sharing life with | 10 yo ds | 8 yo dd | dh (since 2012)
"I am not what happened to me...I am what I choose to become." ~ Carl Jung
flowmom is offline  
Old 05-12-2006, 09:57 PM
 
LavenderMae's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: where I write my own posts!
Posts: 12,213
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just congratulated you on another website but wanted to do so here as well!!! CONGRATS!!!!
I have followed this thread and I am so happy for you, that you birthed the way you felt was best!!!!

Welcome baby girl who has arrived as the Lilacs are blooming. The imagine that gives me is just beautiful!!!

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
LavenderMae is offline  
Old 05-12-2006, 10:33 PM
 
LadyButler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: SC
Posts: 528
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ksenia
dd ?? (<24 hrs)
First off... that's awesome... I teared up reading your update!

Second... Lilac would be a nice name... first or middle... (not that I would even BEGIN to presume that you'd take or even want naming advice from a total stranger...)

LadyButler is offline  
Old 05-12-2006, 10:40 PM
 
Zamber's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 1,122
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Congradulations!!!!! I am so happy that you got your dream birth experience!!!
Zamber is offline  
Old 05-12-2006, 10:48 PM
 
cottonwood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 7,153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh, I have tears in my eyes! I am so happy for you, and your contentment is so obvious. Big hugs to your dh for doing just what you needed. (And Gloria rocks! Yay, Gloria!) And, you know, just because your dh was not unassisted doesn't mean you didn't give birth unassisted. Many congratulations!
cottonwood is offline  
Old 05-12-2006, 11:16 PM
 
Milkymommi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wherever the Wind Blows
Posts: 1,632
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm SOOOOOOO happy for you!!! How wonderful that you got the birth that you wanted mama!!! Fantastic!!!! Enjoy your baby moon...

Ima to Mizz.Jonas- 14, Isman- 12,Javsar- 9, Nani Gweesa- 4 and Baby Micah born into the Universe sleeping at full term Oct. 19th 2008 and Partner to Abba ~ belly.gif8/2011  Grateful to be Dead  broc1.gif
Milkymommi is offline  
Old 05-13-2006, 12:45 AM
 
barefoot mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,451
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I posted congrats on the UC list, but it didn't go through for some reason. So CONGRATULATIONS again! How wonderful that you got your unhindered birth.
barefoot mama is offline  
Old 05-13-2006, 12:52 AM
 
RiceMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 660
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What a gorgeous birth! congrats!
RiceMomma is offline  
Old 05-13-2006, 01:07 AM
 
2much2luv's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Like I'd tell you.
Posts: 5,999
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have happy tears in my eyes for you. I am so glad you got the birth you needed and a precious baby girl to boot. Congratulations!
2much2luv is offline  
Old 05-13-2006, 01:14 AM
 
JesseMomme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: not here anymore
Posts: 7,901
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wasn't I just saying the other day we need more Glorias in the world? She gets it. And you are awsome! I read your birthstory earlier and got goosebumps Congratulations!
JesseMomme is offline  
Old 05-13-2006, 05:49 AM
 
nznats's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Auckland New Zealand
Posts: 338
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Happy Birthing day Mama and welcome earthside baby girl
nznats is offline  
Old 05-13-2006, 08:23 PM
 
ecurlycue's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 138
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Congratulations! MAn I had tears in my eyes too! I am so happy for you and your family! Another little ECer too;-)
Your dh deserves a huge hug for helping this to work out that way you had wanted! I would say that was an awesome UC!!!
ecurlycue is offline  
Old 05-14-2006, 07:10 AM
 
sarenka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Poland
Posts: 806
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Beautiful...amazing how everyone got their needs met in the end!
Congratulations
sarenka is offline  
Old 05-15-2006, 04:26 PM
 
Intertwined's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: In the midst of Twinsanity
Posts: 2,989
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
<sniff sniff>

What a wonderful DH you have! Happy Babymooning!
Intertwined is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off