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UC questions?

5K views 149 replies 31 participants last post by  Synchro246 
#1 ·
Ladies,
I DO come in peace with a question.

What was your journey in deciding to UC? What did/does your partner think? Do you have friends that also UC and support you? What is your biggest concern and what is the greatest benefit?

Thank you in advance.
Mary
 
#27 ·
WOW, Thank you all for trusting me with your stories! You are brave and wise women. It seems a common theme was a "traumatic" first birth, whether in the hospital or at home with a MW...which surprised me.

fourlttlebirds, your eloquence was moving...I hope you have written your birth stories down. Lovely, I especially liked " I also felt for the first time the incredible feeling of being completely inside birth"

Tana, very solid and practical points that very much made sense to me, thanks for your honesty...I LIKE it when women THINK about their birth.

Sapphire Chan...thanks for the understanding...

Bailey, rather shocked that your birth occurred in a urban hospital...wanted you to know, that many women feel "sad" about how their baby came into the world..and at some point, you accept..that it's OK to feel sad...does that make sense???

Crypixie, OMG! I get the whole energy hospital thing..I don't care for hospitals myself too much. ( But apparently we are extremely lucky to have one here that is very pro-natural birth/birth center) compared with the other...where natural labor and birth..involves 4-5 nurses..because they have never SEEN a undedicated labor??!! YIKES!

But one would assume a homebirth MW would be kind and gentle...I was SHOCKED at your story, I cant imagine a (home) MW behaving like this?!

Very interesting information, and I appreciate you all in giving me another chance. I was very moved by your stories and I understand "why" a woman would choose a UC more tonight...than when I woke up this morning..Thank YOU!
Mary
 
#28 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by doula mary

Crypixie, OMG!
But one would assume a homebirth MW would be kind and gentle...I was SHOCKED at your story, I cant imagine a (home) MW behaving like this?!

They were gentle and kind until the birth
That really threw me for a loop. I think it may also have been partly because I hadn't paid my full balance by that point and they felt they weren't going to be compensated for their work
:

At least their apprentice was still sweet and gentle (a UCer herself) Actually I think hearing her talk about her UC helped DH see it as a possibility.

As many negatives as there was with my MW attended homebirth, I know it could have been so much worse had I traveled the two blocks to the hospital my old OB works in (she fired me
) and I know I probably would have ended up with a c-section because there is no way my body would progress in a place so unfamiliar with so many strangers and so many possibilities, so I am thankful for my experience.
 
#29 ·
CryPixie,

It would throw me for a loop too, having ~anyone~ be nice then change their tune at birth time...but epecially a birth attendant.....someone you trusted to be kind.

To me, it sounds like she had lost her ability to be "wonderous" at the whole process....perhaps she needs to retire?

Mary
 
#30 ·
hmmm...

when i went to the hospital to birth my son, the nurses quelled my instincts. i wanted to walk, they strapped me to a monitor. after being "monitored" for a couple hours, they decided my ctx were becoming "ineffective" and wanted to start pit. i had to *fight* to get them to let me up and walk around to get labor back on track and not start the pit. when i came back from walking an hour later, i was fully dilated (imagine that!). they put me on my back (not where i wanted to be), had me hold my legs up by my ears, and "taught" me how to push. they had me doing purple-pushing for about 15 minutes before ds started crowning. the doc hadn't arrived yet, so they told me to *stop* pushing. my body at that point was pushing on its own. the nurse then *yelled* at me to stop pushing, that *i* was doing the pushing, not my body. as i was arguing with her about the physiologic process of natural birth, my body pushed my son out onto the bed. nobody caught him. the nurses rushed around for a minute, trying to decide what to do. they came over and clamped the cord (i told her we wanted to wait till the cord was done pulsing, and that she could do any resuscitation necessary with ds on my stomach; she insisted that the cord was done pulsing and that they needed to take him to the almighty warmer instead
: ).

the doc came in 5 min. later to stitch up my 2nd degree tear. the nurse that had been yelling at me and insisting that i do things her way left shortly after cleaning up.

had i been left to my own devices, i would have been moving during my entire labor, and i would have been kneeling/squatting to push.

was it just a matter of having a couple crappy nurses on duty when i arrived? no.

had i stayed home...i wouldn't have had an IV, as per hospital policy. i wouldn't have been strapped to the bed to be monitored as per hospital policy. i wouldn't have had AROM to "get things going a little better." i wouldn't have been thrown into a lithotomy position to push, as per policy, and therefore, probably wouldn't have torn.

bottom line, hospitals inhibit instincts, and i no longer trust them to know what's best for me. it's not just a matter of staying home with a midwife, though. i don't want to feel watched or monitored. i don't want a midwife waiting in the wings for *something* to happen. i want to be free to follow my instincts, and i would feel inhibited by having a midwife present, like i'm supposed to be performing for her. this is how i feel around *any* type of medical professional, a midwife would be no different in my eyes.

my husband, family, and friends are supportive of my decision
 
#31 ·
Djinneyah, I am astounded at how well your body coped with that situation. It's like your body took a look at the situation and instead of shutting down, as happens with a lot of people, it just decided to work faster so it didn't have to deal with that nonsense. I'm wondering if maybe your future births will be slower just because you won't be putting out those stress hormones.
 
#32 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan
Djinneyah, I am astounded at how well your body coped with that situation. It's like your body took a look at the situation and instead of shutting down, as happens with a lot of people, it just decided to work faster so it didn't have to deal with that nonsense. I'm wondering if maybe your future births will be slower just because you won't be putting out those stress hormones.
i've been wondering how this next one will go, as well. can't wait to find out! should be any day now
 
#33 ·
Quote:
What was your journey in deciding to UC?
This will be a bit long...

I wanted homebirths with a midwife with the first two but it wasn't legal so I had to go with a birthing center.
The midwifes were great (well most of them). However, the midwifes that were with me during my whole pregnancy were on vacation when I went into labour 2 weeks "late". Long labour, posterior baby that wouldn't engage, back labour the whole time, transfer to the hospital after 38 hours, midwife was supposed to stay with me at the hospital but said she was too tired though she, the docs, the nurses, my mom, my grandma talked me into an epi before she left (while dh was out of the room) and then they put a catheter in, was told that I was dehydrated but wouldn't allow me to drink, hooked me up to IV but didn't listen to me when I told them to do it in my hand because my viens are too fragile... sticked me about 7-8 times before listening to me and getting it on the first time in my hand. Given pitocin.
I was told that I would have to have a C/S and that there was no way around it. I had about 3-4 specialists come and see me... baby was to big, my pelvis was too small, I would never be able to give birth vaginally, every 30 min I felt raped by vaginal exams, they wouldn't even talk to me they would just tell me to open my legs, I tried to refuse the monitoring but they pressured me into it, at one point they lost DS's heartbeat and a team rushed in and instert an internal monitor... turns out the other one had just slipped...
After about 7 hours (about 3 pm) I was completely dialated but was told that they didn't want me to push because I would be having a C/S anyways (ds was still not engaged but it was the bag of water that had made me dialate.)
Though I am glad that they didn't start making me push I Had an anxiety attack because of the contant C/S talk, was given oxygen. When a doc came to do a vag exam he told me that he would break my water, I said no, he said "ooops"....
At 6 pm there was a shift change, a new doc came in and again talked about C/S asking what my fears were etc... saying it was just a little cut and then gave me until 8 pm to progress if not they would be going against my will and would take legal action... About 7:30 I said that I had pressure but the doc didn't believe me and checked and ds was still not engaged, they upped my epi. At about 7:55 the doc came in with a team to try to convince me (hospital psych etc) she went to check me and was surpised that ds's head was already out... she delivered him with only one gloved hand. I missed out on the birth completely. Two hours later I walked out of the hospital feeling totally violated, lied to and loathing my birth experience. I also lost feeling in one of my bigs toes and part of my foot because of the epi....(btw... ds was just under 8 pounds)

The second time around I moved out of Montreal while I was pregnant. I travelled an hour each way to go see the midwifes. My Dh doesn't have a licence and we don't know anyone around here so I was in many ways preparing for a UC if I coudn't get to the birthing center. I would not feel comfy to drive in labour. However, my water broke before contrax started while DH was at work (in Montreal also) and gave enough time for a friend of mine to pick him up come get me and drive back to MTL... Nursing DS kickstart labour but again he was posterior, back labour again, stalled at 3 cm again, threatened with a transfer started to lose myself completely, it bothered me that I was being so observed and that the midwifes would come in the room when I was having a contraction and I just wanted to be alone...
A new midwife arrived and did help quite a bit, she gave me back my confidence, she asked me what I wanted and told me to not listen to anyone but to listen to my body and myslef... she did give me a few suggestions but then had to leave (she wasn't my midwife and had other clients to get to) I listen to her suggestions and my labour started up again slightly.
I was tired though and my body wanted to rest, the other midwifes said not to and that it would stall my labour even more and really started to put me down...
I didn't listen to them and retreated inside myself and knew I had to relax. The midwifes were upset with me and talked about transfer again... I turned over, got comfy and started to relax... I fell asleep between contractions waking slightly when a contrax hit and when the midwifes would come check the Heartbeat...
The midwife that had came before came back to see how I was and when I turned over to talk to her I felt ds turn inside me, engage and my body took over at that second. I had slept through transition. Within a few minutes ds's head was out and he was blue with the cord tight around his neck 3 times (tight enough that he had bruises for days) they cut the cord even though I asked them not to. He was having trouble breathing and gave him oxygen (if they would have left the cord intact they wouldn't have had to) They wouldn't let me nurse him right away even though he was looking for the breast because he wasn't "pink" enough. The placenta came out and I started to hemorage, (if they would have let me nurse him, I don't think that it would have happened either.
Though I did get the feeling of empowerment that I missed out of with my first I still felt that my power had been taken from me, I wasn't in charge, It was still not my birth.

This time, I did call to get an appointment to see a mw (even though I would have prepared for a UC) but they no longer take patients outside of MTL, another birth center equally far also no longer takes patients outside of their region. An OB is not an option so my only other option was a UP... I am now very happy about it....

Quote:
What did/does your partner think?
UP... no prob... UC... was a bit surprised and nervous but feeling better about it each day...

Quote:
Do you have friends that also UC and support you?
No, no one has even really heard of choosing to have a UC, but those who know support me but have questions but in a good way. I am very careful though about who I am friends with anyways so for them the idea is not too far fetched but makes sense...

Quote:
What is your biggest concern and what is the greatest benefit?
Death of course, the same concern that I would have anywhere. Benifits? Giving birth unhindered without any intervention. Finally owning the birth experience. Not getting bad advice or being threatened when things don't go fast enough and not feeling like a burdun or feeling observed. and the greatest Benefit is that I truly believe that my child will be safer with an unhindered birth.
 
#35 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by paxye
then gave me until 8 pm to progress if not they would be going against my will and would take legal action...
Yes, this is something else that is HUGE for me in wanting a UC, the fact that they can LEGALLY do something to YOUR body against your will. I am an anarchist and so this goes against all of my beliefs. It is completely Owrellian that the government has more control of your body in the hospital than you do. (many of the things done to me I had refused but they did anyways as "standard procedure", if I sued them for malpractice, I would have never won because that's just what hospitals are supposed to do.)

I'm so sorry they threatened you with this.
 
#36 ·
Thank you for your replies.

Those of you that had hospital births, did you have any set ideas or ideals coming into your PG regarding how you wished to birth? If so, did you share these with your care providers? Or, did you birth..then realize what was important to you when it came to birthing?

It seems that those of you that had "first baby" at the hospital, ...had events that you did not anticipate and interventions that were traumatizing. Did you expect these?

Mary
 
#37 ·
Yes, I knew that everything that happened to me was going to happen (well except for nurses grabbing my face and yelling at me for being scared, that was an interesting one, oh and that they didn't even ask me if I wanted drugs, just stuck them in the IV I *had* to have.) if I went to the hospital. I had spent hours apon hours researching birth before my dd was born. I knew with every intervention I was getting closer to a section. (the lady who was about to cut me up was standing there as dd was born, interstingly enough, she cried, I didn't, I was just glad it was over) That is what gives me guilt, I KNEW better.
 
#38 ·
I feel like I'm on another planet...when hearing about your horrible birth stories..in hospitals.. and with MW's. The "majority" of births I attend, are hospital/home with a MW. Mom is prepared, we have discussed..wishes, desires, needs, and wants...98% of the time it goes as planned. Throw in the occasional nasty birth with a nasty Dr...( like what some of you have experienced) Most are 'hands-off", I know a oxymoron for you ladies
...Many are birthed in the water and many are "caught" by mom or dad.

Did you discuss your wants/needs with your OB? Did you have a birthplan? Did you have a doula?

Mary
 
#40 ·
I had my first baby in the hospital (a transport) but part of the transport was due to the MW (and the trauma of my second birth was due to her as well... which is partly why she is not my MW again). We had discussed a birth plan but she was not honest with my dillation (long story) when it had come down to me needing drugs or major encouragement - I think honestly she was tired and wanted to go home. What was important to me kind of got pushed aside - my support people at that time had NO idea what they were doing (I didn't drink or eat anything for more than 18 hours... I was in labor land).

Second time the MW said she would be my doula but I'm sorry... it's just not possible. Really. I mean she was (should be!) focused on the clinical stuff and at the end when I was scared and needed emotional help she was busy (as she would be) so I don't support that statement anymore of someone doing both.

This time... I have a doula. 'Nuf said.


The first baby I transfered my care at 30w b/c I'd discussed my birth plan with my OB and *wow* was he NOT going to do what I really wanted... best choice I made by far -
Have I told you all this already? Sorry to repeat if I have.
~Julie
 
#42 ·
i had written a birth plan and discussed it with my OB. she happily agreed with everything i had put in my plan, and said that it shouldn't be a problem to stick to it (barring an emergency).

she lied.

i didn't have a doula because we couldn't afford one. i don't know that a doula would have necessarily helped. it wasn't so much a matter of me not being able to advocate on my own behalf, or not knowing/being educated about what intervention they wanted to do next, it was a matter of them bullying me and throwing "hospital policy" in my face every time they tried to do something. the only time there was ever a doctor present in the room was when my OB came in to break my water at 6 cm (to "try and keep things going before having to start pit."
: ), and then again after ds was born to stitch up my tear. otherwise, the L&D nurses ran the show. i know now that every intervention i had done was for their convenience, not because of hospital policy (i checked).

so yes, going into the birth, i did expect things to go a certain way as far as my desires regarding how i wanted to labor and birth, and found out very quickly that they weren't going to.

this time, the only thing i "expect" is to be left alone to labor and birth how i need to. i don't place any expectations on the labor and birth themselves (does that make sense?).
 
#43 ·
Quote:
I feel like I'm on another planet...when hearing about your horrible birth stories..in hospitals.. and with MW's.
A birth often looks different from perspective of the helper than the mother. From the outside, I'm sure my traumatic birth looked very straight-forward and normal (and probably better than the average hospital birth.) It went "as planned". I didn't have any unreasonable expectations and no reason to think they wouldn't be filled. In early postpartum I was in denial about how awful the birth was -- it was buried very deep. I had enough to deal with having postpartum depression, adjusting to being a mother for a first time, and healing physically, without allowing myself to feel bad about the birth too. Mothers want to feel good about their births -- it's one of the most important days of their lives.

Over and over, though, I have come across women saying things like, "well, here's the birth story, but keep in mind that was before I really processed it and was able to look at the events of the birth clearly." I don't think it's at all rare, really, for women to begin to feel conflicted about their births six months or a year later, after they've already given the midwife positive feedback. I think though that in a culture where people almost always say something inane like "well at least you have a healthy baby, that's all that matters," when women talk about things they were unhappy about with their labors, even very bad things... women end up just not talking. And pushing it away until they begin to forget how bad it felt.

So my birth, for instance, which was extremely traumatic to me, what was I going to say about that that people would take seriously? I had a homebirth. I had a "normal" second stage for a first-timer. My baby was perfectly healthy. I didn't tear or get an episiotomy. My gosh, what did I have to complain about? So, I had a smile and a thank you on my face for a long time. A lot of people still don't know.
 
#44 ·
Quote:
What was your journey in deciding to UC?
I posted an answer to this somewhere else, so I will copy it here (warning - long):

Hmm...my journey to having an unassisted childbirth with my child was quite the experience. When I discovered I was pregnant, I did what I thought I was suppose to do - find an OB and start traditional prenatal care. I was subjected to every test imaginable - frequent blood draws, several "emergency" ultrasounds, vaginal exams, etc. One test, however, turned my world upside down. Whenever my blood was drawn, I would ask what it was for. The doctor would just tell me "Oh, it's just a standard blood test", and leave it at that. Well, one day the doctor himself called me up and told me with panic in his voice "Something is wrong with your baby! Come to the office right away!". I of course freaked out, and called my husband to have him come home from work. We went to the office, where I learned that the Alpha Fetoprotein test came up positive for Down's Syndrome. The OB told me that I had to have a amnio done to confirm this result so that "we can schedule your abortion". I was floored. I cannot even begin to describe the range of emotions that were going through my head. He did tell me that there was a "slim chance that this is a false positive". He gave me the referal for the amnio for me to call and set up an appointment.

My gut said "No", but I kept thinking "it's the responsible thing to do". I happened to call my Mother and tell her what the doctor had said. Normally, this woman is the type that NEVER questions doctors. However, she urged me not to do it. She happen to know a woman who had it done, and her child ended up injured by the procedure. However, I was still hung up on the notion that I "HAD" to have this test. So, my husband and I started asking around if anyone had any similar experiences. It turned out we knew a lot a people who ended up with false positives. My Aunt informed me of the risk of miscarriage, another thing the OB failed to mention. So, I started reading everything I could about both tests. I soon stumbled on the fact the the Alpha Fetoprotein test has a high failure rate. I also found information confirming that there was a risk of miscarrying a perfectly healthy baby after having amnio was also a possibility. Finally, it hit me - even if the child ended up with Down's, I could not in my heart abort the child. Just on a hunch, I called the number to see if they even accepted my insurance. It turns out they didn't, and the amnio test would of cost me over $4,000. That sealed the deal for me. Not only had I decided that I would not have the test, I had an excuse so the doctor could not give me a hard time.

Anyways, so I went in for my next prenatal appointment. I told the OB that my insurance didn't cover the test. He then proceeded to tell me "Well, then I wouldn't worry about it. Chances are your baby will be perfectly fine." I was like "What?" Then, he performed another ultrasound, where he told me that the baby didn't show any abnormalities, so the baby was just fine (and told me I was having a GIRL - yet I felt I was having a BOY). Hearing that my baby was fine made me happy. However, once I left the office, my joy turned into anger - he had scared the crap out of me, put me through hell, and for what? I was starting to hate "prenatal scare", and started looking for other options.

In my search to find something better, I came accross some information on unassisted childbirth. At first I thought "This sounds almost too good to be true". However, giving birth at home without anyone but my husband present was my dream, so I continued reading all of the articles and birth stories. The more I went to my prenatal appointments, the more I hated them. I mean really, what was he doing?! I would show up on time, if not early for my appointment, and at each appoinment I was seen later and later. Toward the end of my care, I was going in every week and waiting about an hour to be seen for five minutes tops, and I was lucky if the OB saw me for more than a minute. My last appointment I was about 35 to 36 weeks along. I had recently cancelled the previous weeks appointment claiming car problems (I just didn't feel like going). The nurse (who also happen to be the wife of the OB) had me weigh in as usual, and she told me I gained too much with a disapproving look. She took me into the room and told me to get undressed because I was to have a vaginal exam. That's where the fun began - I told her "No, I don't want any more vaginal exams". She was shocked - I don't think anyone had told her "NO" before. She left the room to get the OB. The OB walked in and started lecturing me for missing a week, making me feel like a child. Then, he told me he would be back to give me the vaginal exam. I repeated what I had told the nurse, and he got really mad at me. Told me that all he was going to do was use a Q-tip to collect a sample to test for Group B Strep. He specifically told me "Your baby will be messed up if you do not have this test!", while pointing at his head (he was also not from this country, so I blame his limited english for that poor statement). I stubbornly refused. I was so upset I was shaking. That's when the nurse decided to take my blood pressure. Of course, my otherwise normal blood pressure shot up. Got another lecture. I was informed that I might have a big baby, and with my blood pressure being "High", I might have to have a c-section. When I left that place, I vowed to never go back, and at that point had made up my mind - I was going to have an unassisted birth.

A week later, I canceled my next appointment, and cheerfully informed the nurse "I no longer require your services". She wanted an explaination, and I kept repeating the statement above until she gave up. A few days before I was due, the office left a message on my phone. In the message, I was asked to call them back because I "needed" to schedule my delivery. I about died laughing - I guess babies are not permitted to pick their birthdays. I went on to deliver a perfectly healthy 10 pound 6 ounce baby boy, without any complications. Would I give birth unassisted again? In a heartbeat. Only next time I will be doing my own prenatal care.

Quote:
What did/does your partner think?
My DH loves the fact that we UCed. Being able to catch his son brought him great joy. Before we UCed he trusted me (he thought that the concept of UC made perfect sense). He knew that he did not want a repeat experience like he had with his ex (she had an emergency C-section, he couldn't make it to the birth, and their daughter ended up in the NICU for almost a week).

Quote:
Do you have friends that also UC and support you?
No one I know of has UCed. However, one friend of mine that I keep in light contact with used to be a doula, and is planning a MW attended homebirth for her first that she is currently pregnant with. I recently met a close friend of hers that had MW attended births, and had extensive knowledge of UC. So, I know of people that support homebirth, and fully support my belief in UC.

Quote:
What is your biggest concern and what is the greatest benefit?
Biggest concern - stillbirth. Greatest benefits - pride in the fact that I could do it when no one else thought I could, and a wonderful birthing and bonding experience.
 
#45 ·
4littlebirds said"A birth often looks different from perspective of the helper than the mother. From the outside, I'm sure my traumatic birth looked very straight-forward and normal (and probably better than the average hospital birth.) It went "as planned". I didn't have any unreasonable expectations and no reason to think they wouldn't be filled. In early postpartum I was in denial about how awful the birth was -- it was buried very deep. I had enough to deal with having postpartum depression, adjusting to being a mother for a first time, and healing physically, without allowing myself to feel bad about the birth too. Mothers want to feel good about their births -- it's one of the most important days of their lives."

*Just as I am opening myself to UC, you as well need to be open to the reality that some women ARE delighted with their births attended by MW's and doula's. I agree very much though, that women DO need time to process their births and it often takes a year or so..to really think about it. I often see moms really process their past birth when they are considering having another baby.

So for every mom unhappy with their birth there also is a mom who....is extremely pleased with their MW, (Dr Jen) and doula attended births. The day your baby comes IS the most important day of your life. EVERYTIME I'm with a laboring mother, I do so with absolute reverence and respect. Laboring women are the most beautiful in the world!

I'm in a fortunate position, I work at a Lactation Center 1-2 times a week leading breastfeeding support groups. Not only do I see my birth doula clients there..often once a week past a year, but we do give women a safe place to TALK about their birth in a group setting. This communication reassures me that I indeed did my job well, I only HEAR GOOD things about the MW's who practice here (and who...I LOVE to work with). I also..though hear the bad birth stories too and the leading stars are the same OB's.

98% of my first time clients have me again, in fact I'm on baby/labor/birth #3 with many families. These are experienced birthers who choose to have doula support (again and again). I also have loads of clients that didn't have me for first baby and had doula and MW care for subsequent babies and are thrilled with their births...long after the glow of birth.

Mary
 
#46 ·
I think fourlittlebirds was saying that more women are unhappy with their births than one would think, not that all women are unhappy with their births.


(Which makes a good question for the mw/doula/cb ed forum, how do you find out how a woman truly felt about her birth and is it the responsibility of the care provider to make that effort?)
 
#47 ·
Some women are delighted and thankful to be sliced open by OBs for no reason too. Doesn't mean that's what's best...


That said, I have always been called to UC. I knew YEARS ago that I would never birth in a hospital short of a true emergency. Birthing women are not sick or injured. They have no place in a hospital. I am NOT a good patient. I will NOT do what I'm told.

I started out with a very popular midwife who turned out to be a medwife. She was scary. She practices on fear. Every decision she makes is based in fear. NOT what I wanted. I switched to another midwife at 30 weeks, but had we not found her we would have likely gone unassisted. The only reason she is a good match for us is that she is a BIG believer in UC. Had all her babies UC, including twins


Next pregnancy we're still considering. We may have the same midwife again- if so I plan to have her even MORE hands off than last time. But if that doesn't work out we will happily plan a UC.

-Angela
 
#48 ·
I completely agree, we have become so numb about birth, as a culture..women really take it for granted and do not take responsibility for what they want. They end up with a "traumatic birth" two words that they are not used to hearing together..live with shame...or guilt.

Being a survivor of a traumatic birth myself, I will never forget the nightmare of DS#2 births and the complete dichotomy of my emotions because HE was so beautiful..it was hard to have the two emotions together.

That was ten years ago..and I have peace now...it was his birth that motivated me to become a doula..and my life is richer for that. I ignored the calling before that and the universe gave me a BIG nudge!
Mary
 
#49 ·
"Some women are delighted and thankful to be sliced open by OBs for no reason too. Doesn't mean that's what's best... "

Yes...it does not mean it is the best choice. But I don't think anybody here can decide what the best choice is for any woman...it will mean different things to different people.

If a woman decides to have a planned c-birth for nonmedical reasons and SHE IS INFORMED ABOUT THE RISKS, then...we have to say.."it's her party and she can do what she wants to" even though...the thought of that makes some of us cringe. It's about HER....her experience...we don't know what her "path" is.

Mary
 
#50 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by fourlittlebirds
A birth often looks different from perspective of the helper than the mother... So my birth, for instance, which was extremely traumatic to me, what was I going to say about that that people would take seriously? I had a homebirth. I had a "normal" second stage for a first-timer. My baby was perfectly healthy. I didn't tear or get an episiotomy. My gosh, what did I have to complain about?
Yep, you are exactly right. I've even had it said to me by more than one "professional" - why can't you just be thankful? I had a lovely self-directed waterbirth at home. I published the story in Midwifery Today! What do I have to be upset about? I've come to the place where I can accept it - even love my previous birth. But there will always be a sadness about it too that will never go away - because it was a trial that I overcame. And I didn't want birth to be a "trial." Bottom line I wasn't true to my heart - I was a second camp UCer fooling myself in order to make everyone else happy. And in the end, I learned that I was the only one to pay the price - me and my baby. DH supports *me* now, and it doesn't matter the choice I make, because he knows I am the one who suffers. Anyway, my story is long and complicated, and DMary has heard it before - but just wanted to sound it that I totally get what you said here.
 
#51 ·
A couple things...

I agree with fourlittlebirds that many women have births that are "okay" by normal standards but if they knew better, they would be very disappointed in. I think it is due to lack of education. I can tell you so many stories where women talked as though they were perfectly satisfied with their births and I was absolutely horrified at the story they had just told.

I also agree with Mary, though, in that there are women who do have satisfying births with attendants. I actually went to Mary's breastfeeding support group faithfully for over a year and know many other women from similar groups as well. I've heard what the moms and doulas in our area say about various attendants - generally, the three MWs we have get good reviews as well as the OB that I have, but the rest of the OBs get marginal reviews at best.

Which leads me to my third point about whether we had birth plans or things like that when going into these births that turned out to be very disappointing: I didn't have a birth plan. I could have had one, but I just didn't see the point. Providers have their routine way of doing things. I went on what I heard about the providers from other moms, nurses and doulas. I expected things to be done a certain way based on the support team I surrounded myself with, and generally, that turned out to be a very accurate way of predicting what was going to happen. And when I look back on my birth, I did the best I could with the information I knew at the time.

This time, I am educating myself much differently - my support team, if they are there, are there to support me and I am the one in charge. I am not looking to them for guidance or direction. If I want something to eat, they can go get it for me; I don't have them there to tell me that I should eat something and what it should be. My OB fits into that model, but I will have a different doula. My first doula wanted me to depend on her for the information I needed when we saw how my birth went; this time, I will know the information I need to know before going into labor and I can draw on what I need myself rather than depending on someone else. I think I will make much better decisions during this birth knowing what I know now than I did with what I knew then.

The horror stories I've heard (especially where the moms don't recognize them as horror stories) have to do with 1) the attendant they chose, and/or 2) how educated the mother herself was. I read a thread somewhere here where doctor jen talked about how she intervenes so much more than she would like to but the women simply don't want to take responsibility for anything and thus she has to. I think that happens a lot. The interventions I had certainly could have been prevented had I known better but given what I knew and what my provider had to deal with, I will be forever grateful for an episiotomy rather than a c-section.

So forgive me if I'm being a cynic, but birth plans should help you choose the right provider - beyond that, they aren't worth much. A great birth plan will not protect you from a c-section if your OB has a high c-section rate and is quick to do them at the slightest indication that there might be trouble.
 
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