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UC questions?

5K views 149 replies 31 participants last post by  Synchro246 
#1 ·
Ladies,
I DO come in peace with a question.

What was your journey in deciding to UC? What did/does your partner think? Do you have friends that also UC and support you? What is your biggest concern and what is the greatest benefit?

Thank you in advance.
Mary
 
#103 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mama in the forest
Pageta,

You're missing the point of UC.

This is not a forum solely about empowered birth. And empowerment is only one facet of UC. I believe any woman can have an empowered birth if she so desires. Whatever that means. Empowered may mean one thing to me and another thing to someone else. I guess one could say that it is possible to have a satisfactory birth experience in all sorts of ways.

The point is that this is a forum for UC support. Many of us are confused as to why Mary wants to debate the pros and cons of our birth choices and create a dialog of it.
I guess my confusion is where everyone got the idea that we were debating UC. I thought Mary was just sharing that her experience with the medical profession is very much unlike what people are sharing here. That's all.

To me, natural birth (no drugs) is a "C", empowered birth with supportive caregivers is a "B" and a UC is an "A" (using school letter grades). It's great to achieve natural birth, it's even better to do so and feel empowered, and to have done it by oneself with the privacy one desired is the epitome of the birth experience. From many of the experiences shared here, it sounds like option B is not an option for everyone. I was just saying I'm grateful to have option B even though I believe that option A is the best.
 
#104 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by OtherMother'n'Madre
Would I do it over? Not only yes but hell yes. I feel horribly guilty about my birth and even now a year later it makes me cry. I won't ever be able to tell my daughter what it was like to have her. I was passed out as she was born. My memories are heresay from my equally distraught husband. Would I do it over? My god yes. To know I could have done it by getting some support kills me. I could have called my sister and I did think about it but I didn't. I just needed someone to tell I COULD do it. That's all. A phone call would have helped me fulfill something I felt I NEEDED.
 
#106 ·
Quote:
If you could go back and change anything from your first labor and birth...would you? If so...what would you change?
Everything. It would have been a successful UC.
 
#108 ·
In an attempt to get this back on topic, I'll write down a few of my thoughts...

At this point, I'm planning a UC. Although I've had several homebirths, I haven't yet had a UC, although it's always been my ideal.

I'm not anti-medicine, or anti-midwifery. But I look at it this way: if my child is sick, I monitor my child. I keep a close eye on the child's condition. I research (online, books, etc) the child's condition and look out for warning signs. But I don't constantly check my child's vital signs unless the child is acting unusual or something seems 'off.' I don't administer drugs to my child (such as tylenol) which might interfere with the child's immune system doing it's job. Although I am aware that the child's condition may worsen (a cold could turn into pneumonia, an ear infection could lead to hearing loss, etc)- I don't seek medical care for my child unless there is an emergent medical condition.

I look at pregnancy/birth in a similar manner. Pregnancy is a normal part of life. Should an emergency occur, I will seek medical assisstance. I have prepared and researched to the point that I feel comfortable dealing with normal variations in birth, and I feel comfortable in recognizing the difference between a normal variation and a true birth emergency.
 
#109 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by doula mary
I think a better question is why you are unable to discuss all birth options without getting upset?
I'm not unable to discuss other birth options without getting upset. Like I said, I support midwife-attended birth. What I am upset about is that you are doing it here, where it is not the time or place for it. Just like talking about how great hospital birth can be is not appropriate when somebody's just laid out their heart in a story about their journey to homebirth. That would be disrespectful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pageta
Can someone not relate a positive experience with a caregiver without being labeled anti-UC?
Of course they can. I did in my own story right here.
 
#110 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by annethcz
In an attempt to get this back on topic, I'll write down a few of my thoughts...

At this point, I'm planning a UC. Although I've had several homebirths, I haven't yet had a UC, although it's always been my ideal.

I'm not anti-medicine, or anti-midwifery. But I look at it this way: if my child is sick, I monitor my child. I keep a close eye on the child's condition. I research (online, books, etc) the child's condition and look out for warning signs. But I don't constantly check my child's vital signs unless the child is acting unusual or something seems 'off.' I don't administer drugs to my child (such as tylenol) which might interfere with the child's immune system doing it's job. Although I am aware that the child's condition may worsen (a cold could turn into pneumonia, an ear infection could lead to hearing loss, etc)- I don't seek medical care for my child unless there is an emergent medical condition.

I look at pregnancy/birth in a similar manner. Pregnancy is a normal part of life. Should an emergency occur, I will seek medical assisstance. I have prepared and researched to the point that I feel comfortable dealing with normal variations in birth, and I feel comfortable in recognizing the difference between a normal variation and a true birth emergency.
Awesome!
 
#111 ·
4littlebirds said "Over and over, though, I have come across women saying things like, "well, here's the birth story, but keep in mind that was before I really processed it and was able to look at the events of the birth clearly." I don't think it's at all rare, really, for women to begin to feel conflicted about their births six months or a year later, after they've already given the midwife positive feedback. I think though that in a culture where people almost always say something inane like "well at least you have a healthy baby, that's all that matters," when women talk about things they were unhappy about with their labors, even very bad things... women end up just not talking. And pushing it away until they begin to forget how bad it felt"

**I thought this paragraph above was EXCELLENT and true. I agree it takes women a period of time to think about their birth. I also think, the "well at least you have a healthy baby" is the popular way to think. We generally don't approach birth with the thought that "how you birth matters". WHY do you think, that moms DON'T talk about their births?

Mary
 
#112 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by doula mary
WHY do you think, that moms DON'T talk about their births?

Mary
Other than online, I don't think I'll talk about my birth much. It's just such a private thing. For some reason writing online is almost like writing a journal, but in person I'm not one to talk about the state of my vagina very often
I like to blow things off too, when birthing comes up I'll blow it off; yeah, we're just having a home birth, don't need to worry about that. Or, oh, we don't do that (regarding prenatals). Then if I'm pressed for details and I don't mind sharing a little more, I just say that my hubby is doing the catching (regarding UC) and that's where it ends. If I don't want to share, I just say there's a midwife in town that will come out, and continue to be vague about it.

Sept for with my BIL and SIL, we talk about birth with them, but they also know way more about our sex life than anyone else, I guess we just have a very open relationship


Cara
 
#113 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by fourlittlebirds
"well, here's the birth story, but keep in mind that was before I really processed it and was able to look at the events of the birth clearly."
I typed fourlittlebirds as "fourlittlebirths"


Anyways, (as usual) I highly agree with this. It took me about 10 months and then suddenly I had to write my ds1's birthstory out. I had never read another birthstory before (especially online) which is the remarkable thing. It was really the first step in the long, long journey. Even then I really had no answers or ideas about what really happened, it was just a "traumatic thing that happened and I had to get it out in the open" thing. I now, as others knowledgable about birth in general, can read between the lines.

My aforementioned friend who had the HBAC? It took her a while to be angry over her needless c/s. Then she wanted a UC, and compromised on mw's based on her now ex-dh's fear. Her initial post partum birth story is all sunshine and sweetness. But then she started questioning things that had happened...like how she was doing fine laboring alone but when the mws showed up she started "looking to them" for what to do, the contrax were more painful too...how the mws told her what positions to get in despite it not jiving with what position she wanted to be in...and she swears up and down that when her baby was born he came out "looking black" as in he must have been deprived of o2 somehow for a short period of time (baby is ok and a healthy 5 yo today). Even when the mw's came for a pp visit and admitted they felt they were at fault, my friend dismissed them with a "you're fine, the birth was great!" Granted, she was thrilled to get her VBAC and on cloud 9 that "her body really worked". When the birth high was gone, it was a different story.
 
#114 ·
I took me a year to write my birth story - there was the intial "it was a success" birth story, then there was it was the worse day of my life but I learned some lessons, then there was my midwife was great, then there was I should have UCed...the one I published was it was hard, traumatic, and also wonderful, I learned alot, I never want to have that birth again. Maybe in a couple years I'll have a different version - the after I've birth a second baby version, where I'll have more distance and she the birth in the big picture of my life - on of Oprah's "full circle moments". :) I definately agree, the feedback a woman gives at 6 weeks PP is just about useless.
 
#115 ·
After my traumatic birth I sent the midwife a note to thank her "for all she does for women". Even though there was so much conflict between myself and her, even though I felt betrayed and angry and hurt. I suppressed it. It was too painful and hard to confront, like I said in an earlier post, when I was already having to deal with so much postpartum. I hobbled around and stayed inside the house for weeks. I was exhausted and physically in pain and depressed. I was able to muster enough energy to put a smile on my face and tell everyone I was fine, but not emotionally capable yet of looking at the events of the birth honestly. And besides that, I didn't understand yet how the midwife's management of the birth had made it more difficult. Even though on some level I was hurt and angry, I still felt she had "saved" me.

It took me a long time -- nearly a year -- to even begin to sort it out. My first birth story, written a few weeks after the event (sent to an online community and to my midwife) was all (in Jesse's words) "sunshine and sweetness". A year later it looked very different. And another several months later, after having spent some serious time working through it in the hopes that I could get past it so it wouldn't affect my second birth adversely, the story was even more different.

Quote:
WHY do you think, that moms DON'T talk about their births?
Well, they do. I think the question (and maybe this is what you meant) is really, "why don't they tell their real stories?" Several reasons I think, some of which I mentioned previously: because it's too painful; because they are in denial; because they don't feel "allowed" to have negative feelings about what is supposed to be a happy event; because by the time they've figured it out there are no convenient opportunities to revist it (in other words, everybody is expecting a birth story right after the birth, so there is a space that already exists for it, but a year later, you have to go to some effort to make that space -- it doesn't just occur naturally in casual conversation); because people don't really want to hear anger coming from women; because people don't understand why it matters and therefore tend to be dismissive, which hurts; because people tend to try to "fix" it or criticize rather than than simply sympathize; because the mother doesn't want to alienate others in the birth community; because she doesn't want to be seen as a "failure"; because she doesn't want to make the midwife or other birth attendants (like the husband) feel bad...

anybody got any others?
 
#119 ·
Well, I would add that we don't talk about it because we aren't comfortable talking about our bodies. I mean, I was on the pill for years and then switched to NFP when I met my dh. I am so much more aware and comfortable with my body now. I was at playgroup with ds this morning and most of the moms do NFP and we all agreed that our favorite thing about it is that with NFP, we are friends with our bodies - our bodies aren't strangers to us that a doctor must explain.

How directly that relates here, I am not sure since I do not know how many of the women participating on this thread also practice NFP. However, I would say that the two go hand-in-hand.

I mean, if you want to UC, you might (or might not) want to check your own cervix for dilation. Women who are already comfortable with NFP don't think twice about that. Women who are practicing other forms of birth control haven't a clue.

I am not here saying that all of my friends at playgroup are aware of their births like we UCers are, but they're a lot closer to it than most of the other women I know.

Still, it is a very difficult thing to process. I remember my doula saying from my first birth that it often takes women a year or more to process their birth. My OB was very interested in my feelings about the birth and the hospital at six weeks, but that was at six weeks when you haven't hardly had time to think while caring for a newborn.

It's been three years almost since ds's birth and I still have things come up and surprise me. Sometimes I wonder when that will finally be over...
 
#120 ·
I know what you mean. NFP is such a way of life for me that it's hard to imagine that other women don't know what their cervixes are doing today! LOL. I did talk about my past birth, but it sure wasn't encouraged. 2 days after it happened MIL was telling my dh "I just needed to get over it!"
 
#121 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by 2bluefish
I did talk about my past birth, but it sure wasn't encouraged. 2 days after it happened MIL was telling my dh "I just needed to get over it!"
Grrrr MILs suck..... Of course my MIL got all offended when she was severely "shushed" for closing the squeeeeeaking door (multiple times) during a contractions
 
#122 ·
I had to have Dh kick MIL out of the L&D room - she just waltzed right in there!
It's one thing to birth for an audience but to have your monster in law around, no way!

Quote:
I know what you mean. NFP is such a way of life for me that it's hard to imagine that other women don't know what their cervixes are doing today! LOL. I did talk about my past birth, but it sure wasn't encouraged. 2 days after it happened MIL was telling my dh "I just needed to get over it!"
I dont know what may cervix is doing
: I just check CM. Of course I've felt it before...it's just that I'm lazy and don't do that often


Getting over it...my mom would say that to me a lot. When I was rebelling and saying heck with you all I'm having the baby at home, everyone started saying oh no! I don't think she's "over" the first birth. Ya think? Then I talked about all the things I didn't like with ds2's birth and she was blown away because she thought the whole thing was just beautiful. Well, I just needed to "get over it". I had PPD, twice she said "You need to get over it!" to that.

So, I had very little in the way of real life support. My few close friends didn't even have kids yet, and probably thought I'd totally lost my mind talking about UC. Dh was the only one I could talk to about anything, which helped...and at least ds2's birth totally opened his eyes as well - "so that's what Jessica was talking about!"

SO yes I agree in this society one isn't really "allowed" to have negative feelings about what they even feel is a "good" birth. Get over it already, you have a healthy baby.
 
#123 ·
I do have to hand it to my MIL. Over this past year and half, she has changed her tune. She saw a program on tv on waterbirth, and it really helped her understand a little better what my deal is with natural birth. We've had some nice conversations *this* pregnancy. I've actually shared more info with her than I will with my own mom - not UC though. She had alot of repressed stuff about her births - when her second was crowning the nurses held her legs shut and told her to wait the doc wasn't there yet. She broke her tailbone and found the recovery very difficult. :-(
 
#124 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by OtherMother'n'Madre
Would I do it over? Not only yes but hell yes. I feel horribly guilty about my birth and even now a year later it makes me cry. I won't ever be able to tell my daughter what it was like to have her. I was passed out as she was born. My memories are heresay from my equally distraught husband. Would I do it over? My god yes. To know I could have done it by getting some support kills me. I could have called my sister and I did think about it but I didn't. I just needed someone to tell I COULD do it. That's all. A phone call would have helped me fulfill something I felt I NEEDED.
I'm so sorry
 
#125 ·
I shouldn't post, as I haven't read all the previous posts on this thread. I'm sorry...
I just noticed one thought on the first page, that kind of irritated me. Forgive my comments if they have previously been voiced.

Somewhere I read on this thread, that most of the doula's clients were *happy* with their hospital births. I'm not sure what that has to do with UC. My PERCEPTION of happiness has little effect on any aspect of my life. Talk to my four year old. He would tell you that he is happy with a lunch of OREOs. That doesn't mean that eating OREOs is healthy or anything else. It simply means that in his perception, he is happy with eating them. Most of your clients would never have the opportunity to see if they would be *happier* with something else.
And regardless of how they *felt*, UC birth is about much more than a feeling. My feelings on birth don't influence my reality that I want the safest environment for my children, my husband and myself. That includes our emotional, physical and spiritual well being. Birth without an attendant can be about safety, integrity, respect, modesty, love and healing. I have yet to see a hospital birth that touched on all of those things.
 
#126 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaT
I shouldn't post, as I haven't read all the previous posts on this thread. I'm sorry...
I just noticed one thought on the first page, that kind of irritated me. Forgive my comments if they have previously been voiced.

Somewhere I read on this thread, that most of the doula's clients were *happy* with their hospital births. I'm not sure what that has to do with UC. My PERCEPTION of happiness has little effect on any aspect of my life. Talk to my four year old. He would tell you that he is happy with a lunch of OREOs. That doesn't mean that eating OREOs is healthy or anything else. It simply means that in his perception, he is happy with eating them. Most of your clients would never have the opportunity to see if they would be *happier* with something else.
And regardless of how they *felt*, UC birth is about much more than a feeling. My feelings on birth don't influence my reality that I want the safest environment for my children, my husband and myself. That includes our emotional, physical and spiritual well being. Birth without an attendant can be about safety, integrity, respect, modesty, love and healing. I have yet to see a hospital birth that touched on all of those things.
 
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