My oldest baby passed away yesterday - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 10:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My daughter, who had a seizure disorder on top of other things, had too many seizures at once. Her brain stem swelled and shut off the blood flow to her brain. She died peacefully in mine and her father's arms yesterday. She was ready to go. I was not ready. She was 8 1/2 years old.

How do I cope with a new baby coming very very soon? As in I hope we get through the memorial service before baby comes. I can't even think straight. How the hell do I do this? I can't eat or drink or function. My husband doesn't want to do a UC anymore. I can't imagine any other way, but I can't imagine birth at all at this point.

Please give any suggestions you can think of. Herbs, foods, whatever. I HAVE to center myself for this new baby.
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#2 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 10:27 PM
 
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: to you mama. I have no advice except to rest and be easy on yourself. Go as slow or as fast as YOU feel you need to go.

Give more**Expect Less
There is no such thing as bad weather. Only bad clothing.
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#3 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 10:30 PM
 
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I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your oldest dd.

I have no advice just s's
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#4 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 10:30 PM
 
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Oh mama, I'm so sorry for you loss, you are in my thoughts and prayers
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#5 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 10:43 PM
 
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i am so so sorry for your loss mama.

Chrissy, lucky mama to Noah (9), Lilah (6), Rowan (3) and Laney (1).
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#6 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 10:46 PM
 
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Oh momma, I am so sorry. I have no wisdom, just lots of love and peace vibes coming your way.
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#7 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 10:47 PM
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#8 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 10:54 PM
 
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I am so sorry your little girl is gone.

There is a food meditation in the book Birthing from within. i hope you have this book because it can be an amazing friend for you at this sad time.
Please get it. And do some of the meditations in it.

the food one sticks out in my mind. it involves talking to your baby and meditating on all that you put in your body. Focus is taken off of stress and ildesire to eat and appropriately placed on the good that the food is doing.

Another idea i have is writting letters or juornaling your feelings to both your daughter that is gone and your baby that is coming. it may help you sort your feelings and be at peace with your grief. this cannot be an easy time for you...try not to expect too much from yourself.

i need to say...i'm sure your little girl knew all along her stay with you would be brief and that a new little person would be along shortly to fill in that empty space in your heart.

barefoot momma...you will get through this very hard time. it will take alot of strength to have this next baby...please be good to yourself...allow yourself nurishment. feed your soul and your heart.

In Love and Light.Angela

chicken3.gifbelly.gifwow...i'm gonna have another one!!!
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#9 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 10:55 PM
 
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I can't even imagine the pain you and your family are in. The best thing you can do for yourself is to let others help you now. Let yourself be taken care of. You need to be able to focus your energy your up coming labor and babe. Let others use their energy to get the day to day tasks done. Lots of chamomille tea and lavender baths. Be gentle with yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help.
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#10 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 10:55 PM
 
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OMG Mama... I'm in tears right now for real. I have a dd just a yr older... I can't imagine the pain you're dealing with I'm not a real guru on herbs but I know both passionflower and skullcap both have very relaxing and calming properties. I wish I had some magic words of wisdom, I'm so sorry. I just wish I were near you to offer some more tangible mind of help. We're here to listen mama. Try to love yourself through all the craziness... take your time with everything. Much love.

ETA I just read the post about Bithing From Within. I have this book, if you would like it I am happy to send it to you. Just pm me your address.

Ima to Mizz.Jonas- 14, Isman- 12,Javsar- 9, Nani Gweesa- 4 and Baby Micah born into the Universe sleeping at full term Oct. 19th 2008 and Partner to Abba ~ belly.gif8/2011  Grateful to be Dead  broc1.gif
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#11 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 11:00 PM
 
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I'm sorry for your loss. No advice, just
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#12 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 11:00 PM
 
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The flip side of my job is death, and here I have a bit of hope and knowledge that might help in some small way.

Today is not the day to make decisions about your birth. Today is the day to celebrate the 8.5 years you had with your daughter, and to mourn all the years you won't get. There is nothing right about having to bury your own child. Our children are supposed to bury us and go on to kiss our great great grandbabies. Today you have to remind yourself to eat and remind yourself to breathe and take care of the sibling she was looking forward to, whom she is sure to care for and watch over from where she is now. You can eat miso or chicken soup (it is clarifying for the soul) even when everything else is like a rock in your stomach. Miso is my personal preference in grief, with ginger to warm my heart when it feels cold and numb. It will have the nutrients you need to nourish you and your baby in this time.

When you are all through with the necessaties that accompany dying in your community, then plan an something for your family such as making a beautiful comemmorative collage with your living children to honor your dd, and so that her presence will be felt at your birthing. You can all tell your favorite stories about her and cry and laugh together because together, your family is strong and beautiful and WILL be ready to welcome little #6 when his/her time arrives. This will be a strong season and it will honor your precious first-born in every way.

If there is anything at all that any of us can do to ease any part of this day, please ask.
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#13 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 11:09 PM
 
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Dear Jen,
I am so very sorry for your loss. If you have a health food store near you I would suggest getting the Bach Flower Essence Star of Bethlehem. It is used for grief and shock. You can take it directly, or you can mix it with spring water in a dropper bottle.

If you are also having anxiety about the upcoming birth add Mimulus (also Bach) which is for low-level anxiety and worries. In a standard dropper but 5-10 drop of each remedy and take the tincture as needed. Boiron homepathic makes a anxiety remedy called Ignatia Amara.

You can get grounded for this baby, its true. But is also true that you needed to let your grief out and not let it fester. Letting it out, rather than turning it inward it probably healthy for your baby.
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#14 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 11:15 PM
 
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i'm so very sorry for your loss mama
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#15 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 11:37 PM
 
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oh, yes, what goodcents said! Also Bleeding Heart is a good flower remedy, as well.
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#16 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 11:38 PM
 
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oh mama.....I am so sorry........prayers and blessings of peace for you.
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#17 of 77 Old 06-12-2006, 11:58 PM
 
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One more thing, I know you said you can't drink but please try to remember water. Place a few glasses around, one in your bedroom, one in the kitchen, one in the room you spend the most time in. Don't worry about the extra dishes now, what is more important is that whenever you think to drink, a glass is there.
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#18 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 12:06 AM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's going to take time to grieve. You're not going to have much energy for "normal household tasks" right now. Simplify whatever you can, even if it means disposable dishes and disposable diapers for the new baby (or a diaper service if that's available in your area.)

Be gentle on yourself and the rest of your family.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#19 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 12:06 AM
 
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I couldn't read and not post even though I have no advice. I am so terribly sorry for your family's loss and the pain of trying to deal with that and a new birth.

edited to fix bad typo

Amy ~ Web Designing Single Mom to 4: DD14, DS12, DS5, DS3
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#20 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 02:02 AM
 
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No amazing advice here. Just my thoughts.
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#21 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 02:23 AM
 
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I am so very very sorry for your loss.

You are not alone.

My son has a seizure disorder as well...and we have had some very scary moments...

Support within your community is so crucial at this time. It has helped me in the past to make a list of things I need done, and then I keep it on the fridge for when someone asks...or for when I call to ask them.

There is a group for parents who have lost children....I'm blanking on the name, but I have known several people who have belonged. They found it so essential to their getting through.

There have been times I have practically lived on miso and ginger soup, sometimes with chicken, and Rescue Remedy.

You are in our thoughts.
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#22 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 08:32 AM
 
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Mama to Xavier (July 02) , Colin (Sept 04), Khéna(Nov 06) & Wilhelmina (Jan 10)
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#23 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 09:42 AM
 
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I am so very sorry for your loss.

Mom to DD#1 8/04, nursed 43 months, DD#2 8/06, nursed 21 months and DD#3 9/08, still nursing strong
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#24 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 10:02 AM
 
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Mama, I am so deeply sorry for your huge loss. I can only imagine the depths of your grief....and I am very sorry.

Herbs to use - motherwort, passionflower, & valerian

The flower essences mentioned are good too.....as well as Rescue Remedy.

Love to you........& please let us mamas know if there is anything we can do.

Greenlee's Forest *intentional jewelry* a secret Journal locket!
Me My Blog Mama to 7 babes & four spirit babies
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#25 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 10:13 AM
 
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I'm so sorry, mama. I have no wise words to add, but know that many moms are praying for and thinking of your family today. I am so glad your daughter was with you and her dad when she passed, she must've felt so safe and peaceful.

Rachel, married to Andy, mama to Aubrey, Lauren, Sasha, and *surprise* Baby #4, due November, 2011
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#26 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 10:18 AM
 
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We will keep you're family in our thoughts.

Mama of three.
 
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#27 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 10:20 AM
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i am new to the forum, but yours was the first post i read.

i am so sorry for your loss. my thoughts are with you and your family.
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#28 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 10:23 AM
 
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I am so sorry to hear about your daughter.
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#29 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 10:23 AM
 
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((hugs)) Thinking of you and yours.
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#30 of 77 Old 06-13-2006, 10:26 AM
 
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i am so very sorry for your loss.
my suggestion would be f too find postpartum help ASAP. you have way too much on your plate, you need someone to mother you when the baby is born. if you were in austin i would offer my free help (i do postpartum care). maybe you have one good friend, relative who can set up a shedual with your other friends, churchmemebers, ect so everyday you have support.

mdcblog5.gif   Liz mama to DS 10, DSS 9, DD 6, DS 3, DD 2 , Aquila- dec 19th 2009 died at my homebirth, and....welcome Willow born 9-16-10 (9 weeks early)  nut.gif
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