Hubby won't let me have my UC - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 09:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Since Marissa died, lots of other stuff has happened. It's only been a week and a half and my glasses broke, dh was rear-ended, all the kids got the stomach flu, our washing machine broke, we lost Rissa's disability payments, and oh....I think there's more, I just can't remember right now. So he says because all the bad stuff just keeps going on and on, he is too scared to do UC. We had a big fight about it and he says he will simply not allow it. His preference, I think, is for me to be in the hospital. Obviously I would have to be dragged kicking and screaming. He can deal with a mw. I'm not sure I can. I think my friend who is a mw and attended my 2nd and 3rd births would come, I just don't know if I want her to. She is a wonderful person and I like her a whole bunch. But I don't want anyone directing my birth.

My last two birth were UC. How do I go back? I can't imagine giving up my control and my intuition now that I know what it's like to do it alone. Yes, I am terrified as well, but what is a mw going to know that I don't know? Really she'll know if I need help. I would know that too. I've told dh this stuff. He doesn't care. I think he's not planning on being a part of the birth at all. Honestly he'll most likely just check out. If the mw is here he'll probably physically leave too.

I guess I can ask her if she will stay outside and watch the other kids or something unless I need her. I don't know if she can or would do that. I know she feels very responsible just by virtue of being present at a birth.

Crap. I hate this.
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#2 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 09:40 AM
 
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Oh, Jen, I am so sorry.

I saw the title of this thread and thought "Gee, it's not his body that's going through labor. He doesn't really get to have a say." (I do not usually post in this forum.)

And then I read your story, including your posts in the Grief and Loss forum, and now I can understand your husband's POV. AND yours.

I am just so terribly sorry for what you and your dh, and your children, are going through.

I pray that you find moments of peace.

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#3 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 09:40 AM
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i recommend that you remind your husband that this is your body and your birth.

i recommend that you remind your husband that he doesn't "Let" you do anything. YOu choose to do things and you take his feelings into consideration when making decisions. YOu do not "let" him make decisions for you and you do not "Let" his judgement overturn your own.

i'm sorry that his fears are clouding his ability to see your wisdom.
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#4 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 09:55 AM
 
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I'm so sorry for all you're going through right now.

Maybe you could work with a midwife right now, and then simply not call her when you go into labor? Do you think it might ease his fears if you have a working relationship with a midwife so you can call her if you have any concerns?

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#5 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 09:55 AM
 
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Oh, Jen! I'm so sorry!

Do you think there is a chance that he'll change his mind? Could it be that he's mourning and feeling jaded toward anything precious?

Well, I think there are a few things you can do depending on how you and he work your relationship.

Could you:
-Tell him he needs to set up the MW because it's not what you want (mine would never lift a finger)
-Tell him that the MW is for him & that he needs to call her to come when HE needs her, not you.
-Procrastinate finding a MW
-Go to a friend's house or hotel to birth. (not as great as your home though)
-Ask your DH to leave during the birth if he's feelings scared. Get someone else to watch any kids if needed.
-Remind him that you know how to birth babies. That he's thinking irrationally.


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#6 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 10:01 AM
 
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Barefoot mama,



I am so very sorry for all you've been through.

This new babe is like this incredible life line.....calling out to you. It is something that you & your husband created together....a symbol of joy and a symbol of one thing that ties you together.

My heart goes out to you. You have been through the most difficult experience these last few months that any mother could ever have to face. And you did it with beauty, grace, and courage.

I think for these reasons your husband should see that UC is exactly right for you & your baby at this time.

His reasons:
Quote:
So he says because all the bad stuff just keeps going on and on, he is too scared to do UC.
Just do not hold water. I can imagine why he has the state of mind that he does - when you go through something like this you just want to reach out for whatever perceived protection you can. But bad stuff can happen at the hospital and it is no guarantee of anything. There never are any guarantees, are there?

See if you can draw him in.......remind him of the benefits. Beg him to be with you on this issue. And then, if he cannot see his way clear to support you I would have my UC anyway. With or without him.

Quote:
Could you:
-Tell him he needs to set up the MW because it's not what you want (mine would never lift a finger)
-Tell him that the MW is for him & that he needs to call her to come when HE needs her, not you.
-Procrastinate finding a MW
-Go to a friend's house or hotel to birth. (not as great as your home though)
-Ask your DH to leave during the birth if he's feelings scared. Get someone else to watch any kids if needed.
-Remind him that you know how to birth babies. That he's thinking irrationally.
I love Spark's ideas! Very good.

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Me My Blog Mama to 7 babes & four spirit babies
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#7 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 10:51 AM
 
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Quote:
i recommend that you remind your husband that this is your body and your birth.

i recommend that you remind your husband that he doesn't "Let" you do anything. YOu choose to do things and you take his feelings into consideration when making decisions. YOu do not "let" him make decisions for you and you do not "Let" his judgement overturn your own.

i'm sorry that his fears are clouding his ability to see your wisdom.
Wow, maybe show a little bit of compassion? Obviously she knows this, as she has had 2 prior UCs. Their family has been through a terrible thing with the death of their daughter.

Barefoot mama, I am so very sorry for all that you and your family and are going through. I guess my only suggestion is seeing if your dh would be ok with having a midwife there as backup. She would stay outside the house and only come in if needed? And if you don't need her, she never has to come inside and can just go home. Would your midwife be willing to do that and would dh be ok with that?

Blessed mama of four
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#8 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 11:00 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mama in the forest
Barefoot mama,



I am so very sorry for all you've been through.

This new babe is like this incredible life line.....calling out to you. It is something that you & your husband created together....a symbol of joy and a symbol of one thing that ties you together.

My heart goes out to you. You have been through the most difficult experience these last few months that any mother could ever have to face. And you did it with beauty, grace, and courage.

I think for these reasons your husband should see that UC is exactly right for you & your baby at this time.

His reasons:
Just do not hold water. I can imagine why he has the state of mind that he does - when you go through something like this you just want to reach out for whatever perceived protection you can. But bad stuff can happen at the hospital and it is no guarantee of anything. There never are any guarantees, are there?

See if you can draw him in.......remind him of the benefits. Beg him to be with you on this issue. And then, if he cannot see his way clear to support you I would have my UC anyway. With or without him.

I love Spark's ideas! Very good.
:

mom to 3 home-born children, wife to a great guy joy.gif

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#9 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 12:29 PM
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nancy:

what i wrote was not uncompassionate. it was a direct recommendation on how to remind others that we do know what is best for our bodies--even in time of struggle and grief.

i don't see how any of that would be uncompassionate. similarly, it isn't any different than others have asserted. perhaps you simply infered something that wasn't there.
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#10 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 12:42 PM
 
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Maybe explain that with everything bad that has happened..your family could really use the healing and bonding from a normal family birth...i.e. UC. Use the birth as a way for all of you to find some goodness and happiness in the world.

And maybe gently explain that, especially at a time like this, you need to be able to listen to your body and baby. Having someone there who shouldn't be will hinder that and possibly cause problems - which your family just doesn't need to deal with right now.

Healing thoughts and positive birth vibes,
mandy

Mom to Eoin (11/02), Eilis (09/04), Eamon (07/07), and Ellery (04/10)
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#11 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 12:59 PM
 
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:

Of course, even if you could explain all that, he may not be in an emotional place to hear ANY of it.

I know this is not very 'informed consent' of me, but how about putting some of those flower remedies you're taking in his drinking water?

He is obviously emotionally fried and needs some help, somehow, too, so that he can be in a place to make good decisions based on facts with you for the family you have made together.
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#12 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 01:20 PM
 
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Maybe tell him "my midwife friend said she'd come if we need her (if she agrees), and let's just discuss it when the time is closer" ?
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#13 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 01:42 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for both you and your DH (and your whole family). I think your DH's problem is he's being supersticious. Your UC isn't going to go badly just because other things in life are....if that were true, then your birth would go badly no matter where you had the baby, ya know? That probably didn't come out as reassuring as I meant it But hopefully you, and he, get what I mean

Amy ~ Web Designing Single Mom to 4: DD14, DS12, DS5, DS3
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#14 of 37 Old 06-22-2006, 11:25 PM
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First, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. and I am also horribly sorry that so any rotten things have happened in the weeks since then.

As you can see in my sig, we lost our firstborn daughter at birth. To be able to transcend the fear of another loss, through our son's homebirth and our daughter's UC, was tremendously healing for us both.

The fact that your friend is a MW could be perfect for this stuation... hopefully she will be able to override her training enough to hold the space for you to birth. With our UC, the original plan was to have my own MW friend with us, for DH's comfort. This eventually evolved into a UC with only DH and I present, but it was a process for DH to get to that point. I know you don't have much time left before you are due, though...

Were it me, I would agree to have the MW friend there, for my DH's sake. Make it clear to her that she is there for HIS sake. If he really is a wreck, keeping him from messing with your flow will keep her out of your hair as well. She, of course, would need to be okay with no VE's or FHT checks unless expressly requested from you. And honestly, with so many births under your belt already, you may birth before she has a chance to get there either way. Ruby's labor was so mellow that even if we'd had a MW, she would not have had time to get there... she was on my belly less then 8 minutes after my water broke.

I would just stay really quiet about the labor so that your Dh has less time to get himself worked up about what could happen. You might birth before he has a chance to decide to call the MW! My DH said that since DD came so fast, he really didn't have time to get worried about what could happen... I trust that you will know what you need to do.

If he is worried that you will not be able to handle the labor as well because you haven't been eatng or drinking enough, try to make an effort on that front. It is a valid concern and one that you can allay for him relatively easily... although I know how hard it is to eat with that lump in your throat, try to keep your favorites on hand so food will be more appealing)

I can see how this is a fine line between honoring your partner (who is terrified at the thought of losing his wife and/or another child) and honoring yourself and your wishes for this birth. Wishing you both much peace and strength
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#15 of 37 Old 06-23-2006, 01:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I decided to tell dh that if he wants the mw here, he needs to call and talk to her about it. He just looked at me blankly and didn't answer. I don't know if he will do it or not. I will probably have to repeat it again today. Neither he or I seem to remember anything that's going on lately.

I have NO problem putting my flower essences in his drinks. I figure I have to live with him, therefore I have the right to do that. That doesn't sound like I mean it to, but my mind won't work very well right now. Actually most of the time when I give him a remedy or something he just takes it and doesn't ask questions, so I could probably just do that.

I have been hoping that this birth would be healing. I'm also terrified of stillbirth. My intuition seems to be so screwed up. I don't think the answer is having a mw. In that case probably nothing could be done anyway. But they will have to lock me up somewhere where I can be seriously medicated for a long time because I don't know how I would handle that. I can't believe Rissa would have left if it wasn't going to be OK. I don't believe that anything happens by chance.

Nope, no guarantees. Stupid life.

I ordered Emotional Ally from Wishgarden. Anyone have any experience with that? It's supposed to be here Monday.
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#16 of 37 Old 06-23-2006, 01:25 PM
 
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I think if he forced you to go to the hospital (well, by not allowing anything other) and something negative happened you would blame him. I think if you forced him to stay home (by refusing to go to the hospital) and something negative happened he would blame you - SO... it sounds like maybe, just maybe (and I'm sorry to say this on the UC board) that a MW would be a medium that wouldn't be too negative for either of you - though a compromise for you both.

Do you think your friend would agree to stay away (like on a different floor of the house or whatever) unless she was needed? Maybe that is something that would calm DH's fears and give you the space and autonomy you want/need.

I don't know how you go "back" once you have already done it 100% yourself more than a few times... it would be like if my DH asked me to go to the hospital - I would look at him like he was insane and pretty much refuse unless there was a REALLY REALLY good reason (and even then it'd be hard).

I hope you find some peace Jen, I can't imagine such a big event with so much else going on. I hope that if nothing else the new baby brings with him/her a beautiful season of grace.
~Julie

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#17 of 37 Old 06-23-2006, 01:35 PM
 
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Jen

I am like your husband in many ways. After Rissy died, I lost faith in many things including my ability to parent and keep my children safe and more importantly, alive.

I'd had homebirths and loved them. Felt like it was the most amazing thing letting my body just do what it needed to do. But when I found out I was having twins so quickly after losing Riss, my faith in my body also failed.

I went with a peri at a very good hospital, just to be on the safe side. I simply could not fathom having a homebirth with twins and having both babies come out healthy and whole.

I was terrified of a hospital birth though. Terrified I'd end up drugged and with a c-section. So I went against everything I knew to be true about my body and borthing and caved for a hospital birth.

I ended up with an amazing birth, both born vaginally, both healthy and alive. My nody didn't need my faith. It just needed me to let go. Once I did, both babes came quickly.

I wish I had had the twins at home though. Wish I'd remembered the elation I felt with each homebirth, both in my body and in the process.

I get his feelings of fear, his lack of faith. The absolute worst has happened and it seems impossible to believe that anything good will come in the future.

I think the best thing to do is to sit down, discuss his fears and concerns and then come up with rational responses to those fears. Play the what if game. Ask about his fears, get him to be specific and then address the fears one by one.

Maybe even remind him that bad things can and do in the hospital in regards to birth. Same as at home. It's just choosing which set of risks you feel most comfortable accepting responsibility for. Birth is never risk free. Life is never risk free. We know this better than some, sadly.

Yes, I had a good birth, a wonderful healing experience. But I will always wish that I'd not lost my hard earned faith in myself and my body and in a way, sold out. I know that I did what I thought was best at the time. I really did. But I do wish I'd done things differently.

After the loss of a child, you do forget things. Day to day things, big things, major things. Heck there were times I forgot to breath. Just talk with him, help him to remember how you've birthed in the past. The joy and power of those births.

This new baby won't heal everything. It won't replace your Rissa. But it can help bring a lot of much needed love and laughter into your home.

I hope you and your dh can come to terms in regards to this upcoming birth.

Love,
Janis

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#18 of 37 Old 06-25-2006, 09:25 AM
 
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While I can understand his fear with everything that's going on, the "I won't allow it" thing annoys me. He's not your keeper or your boss. If he's going to leave regardless of whether there's a midwife there, I say do what you want. If he's willing to be a part of it if a midwife is there, you may be able to find one who'll hang out in the living room, and only come in if you need her. Some are willing to do this and some aren't. I just have this image of what would happen in my house if my husband said, WRT something about MY body, "I won't allow it!" I'm getting this world war 3 visual.......

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#19 of 37 Old 06-25-2006, 11:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think maybe I made dh sound like a big jerk. He really isn't. He does forget that we see things differently. Just by virtue of the whole male-female thing. I know he is scared and from his point of view he is the one responsible for the well-being of the whole family.

I'm trying to find a happy medium. For anyone who hasn't lost their child, I can't begin to explain the intensity of all the emotions. I think yes, he does need to be respectful of me and what I feel/need/believe, and I also need to do the same for him. This is not easy. He would never insist on anything if he wasn't terrified. Is it any better for me to ignore that?

Mama in the forest, I totally agree with the possibilities for this baby. It truly is a lifeline and a source of joy. I don't want to screw that up and I don't want him to screw it up either, does that make sense?

At this point, he has still not called the mw. I told him if he does, I would like him to talk to her about staying in the background and ideally not even coming in the house. I don't know what he will decide to do, but I think giving him that part of the decision was OK.

BTW, I have thought the same thing before this situation. When I heard about husbands that won't go for UC or even homebirth at all, I didn't get it. OK, I get it now. Maybe I was too quick to judge. I still think the woman should be able to choose how she births, but all the costs to all relationships must be weighed as well.

I am still hoping and planning on my UC. I can't imagine any other way. If it has to be, though, I guess I will deal with it.

I got the Emotional Ally herbs yesterday. They make me feel kinda numb and VERY tired. Not sure if this is good or not. It does make it easier to think about this stuff though. Maybe I'll take it through the initial post-partum period and try and head off any major PPD.
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#20 of 37 Old 06-25-2006, 11:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#21 of 37 Old 06-25-2006, 11:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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oops
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#22 of 37 Old 06-25-2006, 11:47 AM
 
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I'm someone who generally "doesn't get it" either, so thank you for putting it so well.

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#23 of 37 Old 06-27-2006, 01:10 AM
 
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When I first read your post about losing your daughter on the other thread on this forum and you explianing that your husband was feeling unsure about the UC my first thought was that pehaps your daughter chose this time to leave because she knew that your family would need a very powerful healing experience to help you deal with it and that the uc of a new baby would be just that. As for the other things that have been happening we create the energy around us and that affects what happens to us. And since you are all still in such a hard place that's why these things keep happening and what you really need is a positive experience to change that energy, then these things will stop happening.
I get these really vivid images sometimes and right now I have the image of you having a really easy birth. Because Marissa hasn't truely left yet. Right now she's spending time with the new baby in the realm of the spirits to help guide her earth side.
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#24 of 37 Old 06-27-2006, 01:29 AM
 
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He is making a decision based on fear. Its not intellectually based at all. I think he needs to work through his fear.

A good solution may be to talk with your MW friend and see if she will be a backup for you. Perhaps that will give him some relief. Just be clear to her about what you want her role to be, you said she's a friend so she should be able to do that.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#25 of 37 Old 06-27-2006, 01:39 AM
 
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Oh there was something else I wanted to say. What I find concerning more than the MW/UC issue is your fear that DH will "check out" during the birth. Whether you get your UC or end up having a MW the birth can be a powerful healing experience either way, but only if you're emotionally present. Also in my opinion it would be disrespectful to the departed to allow the grief that you feel for having lost her to overshadow the joy of welcoming a new baby. What better way to honor her life than to honor life itself by fully welcoming this new babe with all his heart.
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#26 of 37 Old 06-27-2006, 05:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Japanmamma,

I wondered the same thing about Marissa's timing. I don't believe we just leave the planet without everything being in order. Especially with the peaceful way she left. Thank you for sharing the image you had. I had a dream the night before last that the baby arrived very gently, with no pain whatsoever with a smile on her (?) face. I really really hope for that. I think it would be so wonderful right now.

mamao'two,
I actually just recently spoke to my friend about being backup without being present. You must be reading my mind. She was very willing to do that for us and dh seems to feel pretty good about that.

I hope dh doesn't check out, too. He would be missing something completely amazing, as we all know.

Right now I am feeling jealous of all the mamas who know when they are due. You know, the ones that plan the induction or c-section. I am hating waking up every morning with contractions and wondering all day long when baby will come. I feel like I need baby to arrive before I can continue on with my grief. I could have been due last week, or I could be due in two more weeks. It feels like any day, but what does that mean? Yet another lesson, I guess. I am going to see a woman that does energy massage on Friday if baby isn't here. I saw her at the end of my last pregnancy and really liked her. Maybe she can help me get through any blocks in the way of baby.
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#27 of 37 Old 06-27-2006, 06:06 PM
 
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Jen.....you are doing so great!

Things somehow have a way of falling into place even when we don't understand how they can. You're strong......stronger than you know. It takes a lot of strength, patience, and love to just mother a large family and look at all the incredible things you've been through & experienced. I think you're doing great.

I'm due with my sixth soon also......my thoughts are with you - many hugs to you & your beautiful family.

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#28 of 37 Old 06-28-2006, 10:46 PM
 
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I still don't have any wonderful advice. I just wanted to give you some more
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#29 of 37 Old 06-29-2006, 10:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by barefoot mama
I actually just recently spoke to my friend about being backup without being present... She was very willing to do that for us and dh seems to feel pretty good about that.
That's wonderful! I'm glad you have a plan that works for you both.

As far as 'clearing the energy' for birth to happen, I had acupuncture on Ruby's EDD and even though she was still 9d late, she was the 'earliest' of my three... it really felt like the treatment helped create the space for what was a very peaceful and healing birth. As much fear as I had, I could also strongly feel Xiola's presence during her siblings' births, keeping us safe and surrounded with love.

You have been in my thoughts... sending you vibes for a magical birth.
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#30 of 37 Old 06-30-2006, 05:34 PM
 
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I want to add a few thoughts and approaches that have helped me in dealing with all the challenges I've had during my pregnancy.
I am trained as a rebirther, which is a therapy that explores how our own birth impressions color our entire lives with a filter based on what we experienced then. Whenever we go through anything which is a big challenge to us, be it a journey, new job, relationship changes and definitely pregnancy and birth, these issues are brought to the surface for healing.

I have found it very useful to examine the current circumstances for repetitions of experience/feelings/fears/beliefs so I can reempower myself in the present, letting go of the old limitations that have been lurking.

For example, in my last pregnancy I was told during the last month that my continous care midwife from the NHS couldn't be with me afterall as I'd moved just out of her area. This meant I had to face the thought and fear of being attended by a random midwife from the hospital that I myself had a horrible birth in, leading to a life long issue of abandonment.

I had to face the feelings of abandonment brought up by the midwife who I had gotten close to. But once I got on with it & went to the hospital to have the bloods, I found a chapel there. I said a prayer asking for a full healing, this was my 1st time in the place since my birth 39yrs before.

I had even been living thousands of miles away for years until I became pregnant.

My point is that I believe fully that life is always trying to help us move on from trapped pain and if we pay close attention we can go with it rather than fight it.

Following my prayer, I heard from my 1st midwife who told me that the other hospital had contacted her boss and insisted that she be allowed to attend me. We had a magnificent experience, home water birth, total peace and mutual understanding and I got to let go of more of my controlling nature and learn to trust life's twists and turns.


The other twist in the tale this 2nd pregnancy, is that as I am still nearer the hospital of my birth I seemed to have no choice but to UC or face the random midwife-whoever would be on duty.

Having quite happily decided to UC (with a bit of trepidation from DH) I then heard from an amazing midwife at the hospital- the only one who does continuous care, offering to assist in any way I would like. Whether that is just lending and explaining to me her birth kit or being there in the room/ house/garden etc!

What a challenge again! But this time I feel the challenge is to be open to whatever I am feeling in the moment, no control at all. I may well want her there, I might even need here there (life has been kinda stressful here with DH too). Then again I might just manage to 'create' a labour that happens peacefully in the night and let everyone sleep while I do my thing!!!!

I have been a lifelong controller, to try and handle my sense that life is not safe unless I dot all the i's. I feel that life is asking me to let go, not plan, stop being so protective and 'all-knowing'. And particularly to allow more support in, from the midwife, my partner, my family and God.

To make this point, the first time I answered the door to the midwife I sprained my ankle and this led to me having to make changes to the way I put my DS to bed, actually having to be physically supported as I did it for the next few nights, until DS allowed his dad to do the job instead of me! Took a few weeks, but boy the freedom now!


This was much longer than I intended..hope the gist comes over. Love and blesssings to you and your family. I am sure something good is trying to come through for you all and if you can let go of resisting your husbands resistance you will find a way to birth that is just perfect for you all now.

Lasare
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