I left my husband... ON topic and long - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-04-2006, 11:49 PM
 
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wow sweety.....lots of good input here, i hope you're feeling loved by your virtual tribe in spite of the IRL difficulties!

IMO, the CPS threat is a real one, and for that reason i'd def. just lie to whomever you needed to that you were going to the hospital and try to keep it on the down-low when you actually do go into labor.

i LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of going to The Farm (considered it myself as a matter of fact, heh), and please mama, whatever you do, DON'T let stbx anywhere near you when you're about to give birth! deleting all your files on purpose, and then lying about it?

one thing that hadn't really been explored as of yet: WHY does he want to be at this birth at all, IF he has no intention of being a "part-time dad", as he called it? i mean, this really needs to be explored, i think. some men actually view birth as a turn-on, and if that's his aim in watching/being there, then i'm quite sure you don't want to risk being exploited by him like that... just a thought...i dunno...

i don't know what the alabama laws are, but in tx, if there's proof that you've lived with someone for 6 months or more, that's a common-law marriage, and you could probably sue for spousal support. that is just so wrong on so many levels, to have your name on all the bills when he's the one who's got the income. He *should* at least be decent and have those bills HE made signed over to him, and the fact that he's not doing that speaks volumes.

it sounds like your parents aren't toxic at all, just set in their ways and stubborn. I'd keep them close and try to have them help you on your terms as much as you can, even if only for moral support...

thinkin' of you, mama....

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Old 12-05-2006, 01:00 AM
 
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Old 12-05-2006, 01:05 AM
 
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They don't understand that you are no longer allowed to birth without fetal montioring and drugs being pushed on you while you labor flat on your back.
You know -- in terms of both educating your mother and understanding your options, I think you should arrange for you and your mother to tour the hospital where you'd be giving birth. You can ask a lot of questions about how they deal with birth plans, how much fetal monitoring is "required" and what they do if you refuse it, what positions during labor are "allowed," etc.

I have had two hospital births. I labored and pushed in whatever position I wanted. They wanted to do 15 minutes of fetal monitoring when I first arrived and other than that they just checked me with a fetoscope. I requested in my birth plan that no one offer me drugs, and that request was adhered to by everyone. With my second birth, I didn't go into labor until 36 hours after my water broke, and no one cared, except inasmuch as this meant they didn't check my dilation. But -- I don't live in Alabama. So I don't know what you'd find at the hospital near you. If you're right that the hospital is horrible, your mother will be a lot more likely to accept it if she sees it, and then you can bring up the possibility of a midwife at home again.

Fortunately you're not due for a while so you have some time to discuss it. I absolutely do not think you should go back to your STBX for the birth -- I can't imagine anything worse than giving birth in the presence of a person I hated. I also don't think you should go to a hotel (yuck yuck YUCK germs ICK bugs EW) or birth in your car (which sounds even more uncomfortable than laboring on your back). Even a cabin makes me think of other people's germs -- precisely what homebirth is supposed to avoid.
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Old 12-05-2006, 01:07 AM
 
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Also, if you think you may end up having to go to the hospital, ITA with the idea of hiring a doula. The hospital cannot make you lie down, submit to monitoring, take drugs, or anything else. And if you have a doula present, your DOULA can tell them to back off and stop pushing drugs on you while you focus on having your baby.
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Old 12-05-2006, 01:14 AM
 
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They don't understand that you are no longer allowed to birth without fetal montioring and drugs being pushed on you while you labor flat on your back.

That is not true at all. The do allow you to be unmedicated and not monitored or have cervical checks, push and labor however you feel comfortable, etc. I think you may be misinformed.
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Old 12-05-2006, 01:20 AM
 
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They don't understand that you are no longer allowed to birth without fetal montioring and drugs being pushed on you while you labor flat on your back.

That is not true at all. The do allow you to be unmedicated and not monitored or have cervical checks, push and labor however you feel comfortable, etc. I think you may be misinformed.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......

this is the *unassisted birth* forum. please don't advocate hospital birth just because you think it's fine.

I see you are a new member...
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Old 12-05-2006, 01:26 AM
 
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I apologize, I was just throwing that option out there, just in case the OP was not aware.
I really don't feel as if I was advocating a hospital birth at all. There really is no need to be rude. I did nothing any differently than one or two others on this thread. Thank you
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Old 12-05-2006, 01:27 AM
 
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Just wanted to let you know that I birthed in a cabin on an island because a homebirth in my city wasn't an option with the current care I was having, and it was a WONDERFUL experience!! Really nice to relax and not have people calling and visiting too.

ps. could you kick him out of your apartment since it isn't in his name, afterall?
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Old 12-05-2006, 01:56 AM
 
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I apologize, I was just throwing that option out there, just in case the OP was not aware.
I really don't feel as if I was advocating a hospital birth at all. There really is no need to be rude. I did nothing any differently than one or two others on this thread. Thank you
where did you get this information? are you a woman who had births in a hopital?
It's your blanket statement "They do allow you to be unmedicated and not monitored or have cervical checks, push and labor however you feel comfortable, etc. I think you may be misinformed." that bothers me, because all hospitals are not the same. Perhaps you have experienced births of that nature, but the majority of birth stories I have heard from a hopital include excessive fetal monitoring, labour augmentation, cesarean sections (because labour stalls, suprise suprise), etcetera etcetera...

I don't want to be rude, sorry. I'm trying to be protective of this woman whos in a very difficult situation, and is still wanting to have her baby in the best way possible, which is something I want to totally support. homebirth is safer than hospital births.
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Old 12-05-2006, 01:57 AM
 
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Nibsie, I think you are uninformed. That some hospitals are respectful of women's chocies doesn't mean all or most are. This woman obviously is not in agreement with birthing in a hospital or she wouldn't be posting here, and by trying to change her mind (or educate her, though she's probably already quite educated having decided already) you are all but siding with her parents which she doesn't need. I really don't understand how you could possibly think that the user wasn't 'aware' that hospital birth was an option. It would be rare for anyone in today's society not to know that hospitals are available for birthing, and the user even mentioned in her first post that the only places where one could birth attended were hospitals in her state. While some women have wonderful natural experiences in the hospital, the vast majority do not, and if they do, often it is because they had to fight for it.

I think the idea of a hospital tour, questioning all of their procedures wouldn't do too much good, as they have been known to lie to make birth there sound more appealing and then reveal 'hospital policies' that were kept secret during the tour when you're actually laboring.

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Old 12-05-2006, 02:08 AM
 
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One more thing -- there must be underground midwives in Alabama -- maybe it would be worth checking out if one would let you birth in her house? Not ideal, but probably better than stepping into an unsecure hospital situation. The midwife that attended my second birth is totally respectful of UC, and what's more she's had people birth at her house in really difficult situations, one being a homeless family once that was living in a motel. I mean, you just never know until you start putting feelers out there. There are some amazing people out there.
There are midwives here in Alabama. They arent exactly "underground" they just dont advertise. Anyway, if you are near the gulfcoast PM me and I will try to lead you in the right direction. I know there is a home right across the state in MS that some local midwives use and it may be available to someone in the OP situation.

Kim
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Old 12-05-2006, 02:09 AM
 
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I apologize, I was just throwing that option out there, just in case the OP was not aware.
I really don't feel as if I was advocating a hospital birth at all. There really is no need to be rude. I did nothing any differently than one or two others on this thread. Thank you
I think it's that we're all VERY aware of the fact that a hospital is 'an option'. It's very easy for us to become protective of our forum/members/fellow UC'ers or people who are considering it because for most of us, we are never allowed to forget that we are 'different' and we don't go a day without someone 'reminding us' of our options. We know our options. We have educated ourselves, researched our fingers to the bone, searched ourselves, discussed w/partners, etc. Through our own experiences or those of others we've decided that for us- hospital is not 'an option'. As far as pp's bringing it up, they brought it up in the spirit of brainstorming...and as the means to an end...

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If you're right that the hospital is horrible, your mother will be a lot more likely to accept it if she sees it, and then you can bring up the possibility of a midwife at home again.
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Old 12-05-2006, 02:16 AM
 
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i don't know what the alabama laws are, but in tx, if there's proof that you've lived with someone for 6 months or more, that's a common-law marriage, and you could probably sue for spousal support. that is just so wrong on so many levels, to have your name on all the bills when he's the one who's got the income. He *should* at least be decent and have those bills HE made signed over to him, and the fact that he's not doing that speaks volumes.

it sounds like your parents aren't toxic at all, just set in their ways and stubborn. I'd keep them close and try to have them help you on your terms as much as you can, even if only for moral support...

thinkin' of you, mama....
Alabama does have common law marriage. Its not six months either its much less. All you have to do is show that you have lived as man and wife under the same roof. My husband cousin is being sued for spousal support and child support and he was not married to her, however he did live with her and they acted as man and wife. He thought he had gotten off scott free until he was served by the court. Also, AL is not a community property state. Other things in AL law you may want to know: the father of said child has to pay all medical expenses, even if you are on medicaid if you have an epidural it is $500 and they have to pay it (my brother who was unmarried and not living with her was sent the bill for this) If you apply for help through the state they will go after him for support for your child, garnish his wages if they have too. It is hard to get spousal support in AL, but there are certain conditions that are favorable for you and that is most judges award mothers with children under the age of 1 spousal support.
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Old 12-05-2006, 03:46 AM
 
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I think the idea of a hospital tour, questioning all of their procedures wouldn't do too much good, as they have been known to lie to make birth there sound more appealing and then reveal 'hospital policies' that were kept secret during the tour when you're actually laboring.
Amen to that, sister. BTDT.

The Farm does sound like a great, plausible option, or some happy AL midwives! I just wanted to say I would certainly be willing to contribute what I could give to LJ if she needs financial help to achieve the birth she wants.

lizzie

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Old 12-05-2006, 04:03 AM
 
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I'm so sorry. I hope you get the birth you want. My dh left because I'm having a uc. It seems like overwhelming stress comes when we need it the very least. I hope eveything works out for you.
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Old 12-05-2006, 04:04 AM
 
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i can't imagine being in your position. like the others have already said, i would also try finding an MDC mama close by where you could birth, the farm, a midwife's home and the cabin idea would appeal to me as well. lots of great choices. best wishes mama

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Old 12-05-2006, 12:48 PM
 
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Nibsie, I think you are uninformed. That some hospitals are respectful of women's chocies doesn't mean all or most are. This woman obviously is not in agreement with birthing in a hospital or she wouldn't be posting here, and by trying to change her mind (or educate her, though she's probably already quite educated having decided already) you are all but siding with her parents which she doesn't need. I really don't understand how you could possibly think that the user wasn't 'aware' that hospital birth was an option. It would be rare for anyone in today's society not to know that hospitals are available for birthing, and the user even mentioned in her first post that the only places where one could birth attended were hospitals in her state. While some women have wonderful natural experiences in the hospital, the vast majority do not, and if they do, often it is because they had to fight for it.

I think the idea of a hospital tour, questioning all of their procedures wouldn't do too much good, as they have been known to lie to make birth there sound more appealing and then reveal 'hospital policies' that were kept secret during the tour when you're actually laboring.

Exactly why I think that Naomi is a smart cookie. I suppose I was trying to get at what Naomi was saying, but am just not as good at wording as she
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Old 12-05-2006, 01:29 PM
 
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Mama...I'm praying that everything works out for you!

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And if you have a doula present, your DOULA can tell them to back off and stop pushing drugs on you while you focus on having your baby.
I can't speak for the other doulas on the board but personally, I would NEVER do that.
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Old 12-05-2006, 06:01 PM - Thread Starter
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As far as the hospitals in my area.... they are great! TOO great, if that makes any sense. I live in **********, so I have several major medical centers right at my finger tips. I can see the biggest one from my kitchen window. The problem with them being so great, however, is they are set up to treat extremely high risk pregnancies and premature babies, so its difficult to find a practice that can accept that for most women pregnancy is a natural and healthy state and childbirth is just normal.
I talked with several OBs when I first became pregnant and I toured two hopsitals. I was ultimately turned off completely because they weren't willing to budge on things that I felt very strongly about.

The fact that I am young and look even younger does not work in my favor. Maybe its not like this everywhere, but in this part of the state you are highly descriminated against if you are a young mother. I have yet to meet a medical professional that would listen to a word I had to say much less consider that I might have a valid point in not wanting all of their standard interventions. I know discrimination based on age is illegal, but I have yet to figure out how it is proven in court. lol. Like I could afford to fight it, anyway...

But, on a happier note, things are looking like they will start falling into place soon. My parents are budging a little and have said that if I hire a midwife I can have my baby there and they will leave the house until after the birth. I am talking to two different midwives right now so maybe that will be a good choice for me.

I am also supposed to call back at the farm on Wednesday (tomorrow) because the person I needed to talk to wasn't in yestereday when I called.

As much as I want(ed) a UC, I wanted a UC with the support of a loving partner, and with that no longer being an option, I think I would benefit greatly from the gentle wisdom and support of another woman during this special time.

My STBX is being a lot nicer as of yesterday, and we are able to communicate on necessary things like getting the bills changed over. He has agreed to keep me on his health insurance until my 21st birth in April when I will go back to work, and he said he would continue to pay my car insurance until then as well. I will keep his cell phone in my name until the contract is up in May (family plan) and at that point he will split his account off from mine. This will keep me from having to pay penalty charges for canceling early and with him paying my health and car insurance, its even.
I'm still stuck with the 9K worth of credit card debt that is in my name only as of right now, but he will probably decide to work something out with me on that, too, to keep it from going to court.
He isn't a completely horrible person, but we do bring out the worst in each other. We had a great friendship for a long time before we became involved, so hopefully some of that has lasted and can at least get us through the next several months of detangling our lives without it being too stressful. My parents' lawyer has agreed to meet with me later this week to help me figure out where I should go from here. He isn't a divorce attorney, but he can give me the basics and refer me to someone else.

I really appriciate all of the kind words and wonderfully generous offers from everyone here. You ladies are all so wonderful, and I am so greatful to be a part of this community. I will definately keep you all posted on what I decide to do. Thank you again, so very much.

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Old 12-05-2006, 07:58 PM
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i'm glad that things are shaping up for you!
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Old 12-05-2006, 11:43 PM
 
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that sounds great!!!

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Old 12-06-2006, 02:24 AM
 
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How wonderful!
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Old 12-06-2006, 02:58 AM
 
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Laura, I am so glad to hear that things have turned a corner.
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Old 12-06-2006, 03:16 AM
 
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Good Luck! We are all rooting for you! I'm glad your parents turned around at least a bit!! What changed their mind? I think you are right about it being nice to have a supportive wise woman to help you, UC is great, but it's great with a partner! (I haven't done this, but I've thought about it in the past!)

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Old 12-06-2006, 03:23 AM
 
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That is AWESOME that your parents are rethinking things! Bless their hearts. I hope things continue to work out for the best.. after reading FLB's letter responding to Ina May's comments on UC in another thread, I don't know if The Farm would be the best idea ever, but without a partner, a supportive woman might be a happy alternative for you either way. Much love being sent your way,

lizzie

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Old 12-06-2006, 07:50 PM
 
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I am so glad things are working out!!!

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Old 12-06-2006, 09:05 PM
 
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I am very happy to hear your parents are coming around. Let us know how things go, and I hope you have a wonderful birth.

Julia
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Old 12-07-2006, 07:51 PM
 
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It is possible to have a great UC in a hotel without a husband or partner. That's what I did with my son, my first (and only) child. I did have my sister with me, and my mom showed up for the birth as well.
I stayed at the hotel for two or three weeks before, I can't remember exactly. It was a pretty clean place even. One benefit to a hotel is unlimited hot water! And I kept the tv on when I was in labor to mask any noise, but I was pretty quiet until crowning.
What I really liked about my birth was how I took responsibility for myself and my son. I was calling the shots, and I found that to be so empowering. A great choice for me, but you need to decide what will be best for you. I'm sure it will be very reassuring for your parents to have a trained professional there, just make sure it will work for you as well.
I know it's cheesy, but listen to your heart, and do what feels right. If you are in labor, and don't want to call the midwife, then don't! Good luck and have a great birth!
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Old 12-09-2006, 02:32 AM
 
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You will figure something out. There are many challenges to parenting. You will never regret taking what you need from the universe to birth the way that you want. Is there a homebirth consumer group in your area. . . start making contacts. Could you be a house sitter for someone while they are away (obviously you wouldn't mention birthing in their tub!!!). Just don't discuss it with your family any more. Perhaps just smile and nod and when the baby comes, go to your room (your nest) close and lock your bedroom door, put on music and quietly and effeciently have your baby. You can do it. Moan softly and talk to your baby. Go for a walk. The baby will likely come in the night while your parents are sleeping. Won't they be surprised when you show up for breakfast with a new baby in arm!! But all this is just talk... you will find the right decision for you. I believe in you.
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Old 12-10-2006, 09:11 PM
 
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Your stbx sounds toxic - I would stay as far away from him as possible, going so far as to 'disappear' from him, if need be. Also, after your divorce, you can declare bankruptcy and get a fresh start. That is why there is a bankruptcy option in our laws. If you have a place to live and help(ie. your parents) it won't affect you horribly. You would have time to build your credit back up before you had to get out on your own.

Stay current on one of the cards and check yourself into a nice, large, comfy hotel suite and birth your babe the way you dreamed. In the meantime, try to get your parents to read about UC. Then, maybe you could downplay how far along you are in labor and 'accidentally' have the babe at your parent's home?
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