I left my husband... ON topic and long - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 06:01 PM - Thread Starter
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Mods, I debated on whether to put this in parents as partners or here, but really, I feel like it belongs here. I don't think women who aren't UCers can really appriciate my situation in the way other UP/UCers can. If it needs to be moved, I'm sorry I thought wrong.

My husband and I have been having problems for some time now. Lots of different problems, trust issues, money issues. But, in a nutshell, some things have recently come up that make it impossible for me to ignore the fact that I'm simply not the right sex for him. This is so embarrassing. But, that said, there is no way we can continue this relationship.

When this hit me in the face last night (I found out he had been having cyber sex with other men on my computer while I was gone) I told him I was leaving him for good and it wasn't open to discussion. I left, and went to my parents' house. My parents have welcomed me with open arms; we have seen this coming for a long time and they have been expecting me. So, I have somewhere to live for as long as I need it. My mom is a SAHW and a wonderful AP parent, so I am very lucky that I can leave my child with her when I have to go back to work and school. I would rather be the one raising my child, but since me being a SAHM isn't an option anymore, I'm so greatful for my mom.

The whole time I was packing a few clothes and getting my dog's food together, he was denying that he was even on my computer. He says that he has no idea why I found these things in my history file. So, he still cannot admit his sexuality to me, or anyone else not online, I think. He really thought he could convince me my computer had visited these chat rooms on its own accord. He's good at making me doubt what I know to be true. I guess that's why it has taken me so long to leave.

Okay- here's where we get to the on-topic part of this post. My parents are against me having a homebirth, much less a UC. Its just not acceptable. I know, and I am not exaggerating, that if I were to go into labor here my father would physically lift me and put me in the car and haul me away to a hospital. If he weren't home, my mom would call 911. I tried to compromise with them and say I would hire a midwife, but that's unacceptable as well.

My husband called last night and told me that if I wanted to come back and give birth to Henry there I could.
But, I have no job. Everything, including all of our debt, is in my name only. He said that he would get everything put into his name, but he wouldn't pay OUR credit card bills (because they aren't in his name, even though all they have been used for is HIS expensive medication and OUR bills and living expenses because he can't manage to get up and go to work with an consistency and pay the bills). He said he would buy groceries, but implied that I was not going to be a part of that process, so I know he won't buy any actual food or anything healthy. He begrudges me buying so much milk.... He is going to have the internet turned off and he won't give me gas money. We have a joint checking account now, but he told me that if I didn't go down and take my name off of it on Monday he would just close it and open another one in his name only. My parents will give me money if I let them know I need it, but I just can't ever find it within myself to let them know I need it. My credit cards are just about maxed out and I'm terrified to run them up any more because I'm the one thats going to have to pay it all back by myself as soon as this baby is born.

So, I can either stay here (at my parents') and be forced into a hospital birth, I can go back to my husband for 6 weeks and live in hell so I can have the birth I want, or I can pray that I can get out of my parents' house after I discover I'm in labor and give birth either in a hotel room or my car.

What choices, huh? I am leaning towards go back to my husband until the baby is born, because thats really the only way I know I will be able to have my baby without someone hindering me. But, the weeks leading up to it are going to be unbearable.

I'm stressed either way it goes, and I know that's not good for me or my baby. I just don't know what to do. I have been planning this birth for years.... birthing in a hospital just isn't an option that I can understand. FWIW, I live in a midwife-illegal state, so there are no birthing centers or anything in between a UC and a hospital birth.

I know no one else can tell me what to do, but I really would appriciate any insight or guidance any of you have to offer. I've never been more confused in my life. I feel so trapped and helpless... I'm just sick about this whole thing.

Laura, mama to Henry 01.28.07 uc.jpg
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#2 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 06:16 PM
 
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Wow..what a lot to deal with.: You have some tough decisions to make, no doubt.. I don't know if I would go back to such an unhealthy situation with your dh..that sort of stress and unhappiness could affect the rest of your pregnancy and labor/birth, ya know? Is there any way to mediate between you and your parents that you are a capable adult who makes your own decisions for you and your baby?

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#3 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 06:22 PM
 
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What an ordeal. I'm so sorry.

Is this your first baby? I ask because most first labors (I know, I know) are pretty long. I *think* if I were in your shoes I'd stay with mom and dad but head over your ex's house as soon as labor begins or when you feel like it's winding up. Is your ex willing to give you space when you are in labor? If possible maybe you could send him to a hotel so you can labor in peace.

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#4 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 06:28 PM
 
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wow, I am so sorry you are going through such an awful situation.

HOw strange that your mom is so AP, and against homebirth???

I havent the slightest clue what I would do in your shoes. But I think your parents are out of line in denying you a homebirth. You should not have to give up the safety and security of preventing an assault on your body and your baby in a hospital, because of them. You are an adult. I hope you can talk to them in some way.

I dont know if going back to your husbands house would help matters, i think that would be to much stress to birth peacfully.

Would your DH pay for a hotel and watch any other kids while you are laboring?

Thats all I can come up with. But if you are anywhere near Nebraska, you are welcome in my home.

HUGE hugs to you in this horrible situation. Please keep us updated.

Bright Blessings

wife to my awesome DH, homeschooling, unassisted birthing, food growing, life loving mama to 5 crazy monkeys. :
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#5 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 06:35 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's good you still have some time before the baby comes. Do you have any friends or extended family that would support your decision?

It sounds like living with your husband is safe physically, but it may be very stressful.

Blessings to you!

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#6 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 06:58 PM
 
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wow. i am in a similar situation re: the parents not respecting my choices as a capable educated adult, sigh....

well, IMO your soon-to-be-ex seems pretty unreasonable re: the bills and debt as well, and i might look into legal action about that.

if i were you, i would hope to god i had a good trusted friend that i could give birth at her house...

i'm so very sorry mama--hope the universe shows you the way....

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#7 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 07:05 PM
 
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wow i am sorry you are facing this mid-pregnancy. i really don't know if i would birth with the husband around - the sort of bio-psych chemicals running through your body when around him could hinder your labor ya know? any way you could birth at your shared home without him around? do you have a doula or other support person to be with you during labor?

or is there anyway to birth at your parents without them knowing? or is that really icky and underhanded?
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#8 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 07:07 PM
 
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Krystal~ I think that is a great idea. DO you have a friend's house you can birth at? If not I would go to a hotel, but I WOULD NOT go back to the stbx's!
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#9 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 07:25 PM
 
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((((((())))))) That really stinks. maybe your stbx will come around, and grow up a bit by the time the baby is born. And maybe you can convince your parents that MW birth is a *good* option...

does anyone have some links of the safety of homebirth for this mama to show her parents?

I don't know about the hotel room idea. first births can be rough, painful and you will most likely want to scream and yell quite a bit.

Can you find a doula that is supportive of whatever your birth choice is?

Where do you live? If you don't have friends around there, maybe you could go visit some compassionate friends elsewhere, or meet some cool people via MDC in your area???? Put the word out in your tribal forum..

much love, Laura! You can have a beautiful birth!~

~jaz
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#10 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 08:07 PM
 
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Do you dislike your dp right now? The reason I ask is this is his baby, too. Perhaps birthing with him in your home could be healing for you both as parents, not necessarily partners. As a first time mom, I would recommend having someone there to help you at least, during birth.

Another option is to ask him to leave your house and you live there.

I wouldn't feel comfortable towards the end of the preg living with my parents if they didn't support my birth choices. I also wouldn't put me or my baby at risk for medical intervention because of someone elses fear of birth.
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#11 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 09:09 PM
 
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Do women really feel like screaming and yelling during childbirth? Perhaps it is because we have only had UC's, but I have never felt an urge to scream or yell. Of course, if we had ever had an attended birth, I'm sure I would have reason to yell - at the person attending.

This is your husband's child, too. Eventually the two of you are going to need to be able to talk and confer regarding your child - assumming he wants to be in the child's life. Perhaps you could start conversations now - and come up with an amicable solution for both of you and your child.

Otherwise, find some other place to birth. You parents are probably coming from a place of ignorance - which is certain to cause problems.

This is a hard situation and a hard decision to make. I'm certain you will do what you feel is best. My thoughts go out to you.

Mom to Eoin (11/02), Eilis (09/04), Eamon (07/07), and Ellery (04/10)
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#12 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 09:50 PM
 
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I am sorry to say this, but your husband sounds very deceitful, selfish, & controlling, and it seems his prescense would be detrimental to the peaceful birth you want. If everything is in your name...is your house in your name, too? If it is in your name, I think you should tell him to leave and call the police if he won't, then change the locks so he can't get in--at least until after the birth. can you go and live with a friend or another relative? I don't think living with your husband OR your parents is very healthy. This is your husband's child, too, but it is your birth. If he is going to treat you like crap without buying you healthy food or even giving you gas money, you shouldn't have to subject yourself to that just so he can have a say about his child. If he really wanted to be treated fairly he should have had enough respect for the mother of his child to not cheat on her and lie to her...and if he truly cared about the child within your womb, then he would do his best to take perfect care of the child's mother so that her body can give his child everything it needs. Do you have ANYWHERE else you can go? Can you kick HIM out? I think it is completely unchivalrous and just even more to your husband's discredit that YOU, the PREGNANT ONE about to have a BABY, were the one who had to leave.

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#13 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 10:04 PM
 
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i haven't read everything others posted, but if i were in your situation i would think about conceding to a hospital birth but with a doula. this way you have someone to advocate for your birth plan and who understands your desires. i don't think that going back to husband is a wise thing to do-sounds too stressful. because you don't have money, you could ask your parents "ok, i am willing to do a hospital birth, but i would like you to help me pay for a doula so that i can have the peaceful birth that i want" your parents sounds like a far healthier situation. best of luck to you. you are in my thoughts.
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#14 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 10:04 PM
 
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If your parents call an ambulance for you, can't you, as an adult, refuse to go? Whose name is your marital home in? If yours, then I for sure agree with moving back and kicking him out.
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#15 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 10:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by L J View Post

I know no one else can tell me what to do, but I really would appriciate any insight or guidance any of you have to offer. I've never been more confused in my life. I feel so trapped and helpless... I'm just sick about this whole thing.
Bless your heart. What a hard place to be. This is what I was thinking, see if you like it...how about staying with your parents, then when you think you might be in labor, go stay in a motel(?) and have the baby there, or do you have any AP friends you might birth at thier house? I have a feeling your parents are just too scared(probably saw too much junk on TV) to let you birth normally, even if you were in a hospital. Or maybe just go back to your house for the labor/birth only...(leaving your stuff at your parents'.) Those last weeks if you went back to your house would leave the wrong message, and yes, they would be horrific. I was in a similar situation about 6 years ago...having to live temporarily with someone who wants you out so bad(in my case) and having no job yet or place to go was very upsetting. But I made it and you will too. I have a close friend who UC'd thier 6th child alone, since her husband had left when she was about 5 months pg...but she did fine. Had a healthy girl in her bedroom(waterbirth). Go with your gut, and stay out of the hospital, if you can! You are strong, and you can do this UC!
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#16 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 10:48 PM
 
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I can somewhat understand your parents pov and they are probably scared of having an uc in their home. I don't have anything to add from what others have said. I'd try to have the birth in a hotel room or at a friend's.

As far as your h goes, it sounds like he is stressing you out way too much & to put up with his crap for 6 weeks will be a lot of stress.

As far as his threats go, since the joint account is still there, you are entitled to half so if you think he will close it out, then take out half and open a new account in your name only. In terms of debt, the debt will be split up in the divorce, depending on the state you're in, no matter whose name is on the debt, you are both responsible for it. The mamas in the single parenting forum have lots of good insight.

Good luck with your decision.
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#17 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 11:01 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you everyone for the support.

To answer some questions,

I am in Alabama, and no, I do not have any friends or family who are open minded and calm enough to let me birth in their home. Come to think of it, with the exception of my parents and people online, I have no friends at all.

Pam- NO I do not like this man. I hate him, quite honestly. I think he is sick and disgusting and the most decietful (sp?) and disrespectful person I have ever met in my life.
I am not concerned with ever growing to like him again, because he insists that he will not be in our child's life. I have told him that I would never keep his son away from him and I would make it as easy as possible on him (and therefore, our child) to have open visitation. He refuses, says he doesn't want to be a "part-time dad". : His words, not mine.

Yes, this is my first baby.

I have toyed with the idea of trying to birth silently in my parents' home without them knowing. It is a pretty big house, but having never given birth before, I just don't know if its possible for me.

Another thing that is making me angry is the fact that my STBX is going to cancel my health insurance. So, if I have a hospital birth, I'm several thousand dollars MORE in debt....

The apartment we are living in is in my name only. Everything is. Not because he doesn't have good credit or anything, just because he doesn't like to "deal" with these things, so I have always been the one doing the leg work and therefore everything wound up in my name.
I couldn't afford to live here by myself if I wanted to. I have no job, and no money. I lost my job a couple of months ago and no one would hire me after that because I was too pregnant.
It wouldn't make sense for me to stay here anyway, because my parents live 30 minutes from here and my mom is going to be keeping the baby when I have to go back to work and school.

It IS really strange that my parents are so AP yet so against homebirth. I am an only child, and my mom's one hospital birthing experience was actually a good one. They don't understand that you are no longer allowed to birth without fetal montioring and drugs being pushed on you while you labor flat on your back. I have been trying to educate them on it for years, and even more so since becoming pregnant, but they just can't comprehend it.
They are just scared, and scared because they are ignorant, and ignorant because they are so old they think they know everything. I try not to fault them too much because they are so wonderful and so supportive in every other way you can imagine.

I did wind up coming back to our apt. this afternoon. Its very awkward and we aren't really speaking. I discovered that he had (last night, after I left) intentionally deleted ALL of my important files, address books and spreadsheets from my computer. I know this was done malicioulsly, and he denies doing it and tells me I'm crazy. ALL of my important information is gone. I really don't think I can live with someone I hate so much for the next 6 weeks...

Laura, mama to Henry 01.28.07 uc.jpg
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#18 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 11:08 PM
 
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I don't have any advice, except that I would avoid giving birth in a hotel room and I second the advice to find a friend either someone you alreadt know or searching here on mothering- if you were close to me you would be welcome to birth here (FL).
I've heard of midwives doing births in their own homes in extenuating circumstances- It's not UC, but it's one option that keeps you out of the hospital (or an hotel room).

Most of all I want to post and , because it takes a strong woman to do what you're doing and you deserve congradulations along with the condolences. I hope you aren't too scared of the uncertainies that lie ahead as you WILL be OK. . .eventually

~laura
and planning to eat it again
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#19 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 11:11 PM
 
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I've heard of midwives doing births in their own homes in extenuating circumstances- It's not UC, but it's one option that keeps you out of the hospital (or an hotel room).

That's something to think about.

Just one more question, would he be willing to essentially move out into a hotel or something when you are ready to have the baby leaving the apartment to you?
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#20 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 11:14 PM - Thread Starter
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That's something to think about.

Just one more question, would he be willing to essentially move out into a hotel or something when you are ready to have the baby leaving the apartment to you?
No, he wouldn't do that. He would want to be there... why I don't know, since he refuses to have anything to do with the child. But, no, I have brought it up and his reaction made it clear that wasn't an option.

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#21 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 11:15 PM
 
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I really hope you can figure something out.
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#22 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 11:16 PM
 
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Gosh, I don't really have many words, but I just couldn't not respond. And I want to send you a . I can't imagine how difficult things must be for you right now. As far as your birth goes, I know that psychological issues can get in the way of birthing, so just bear that in mind. I can see where birthing in a hospital would be really stressful, and same with having a UC with your soon-to-be-ex dh.

I'm sorry I wish I had more advice. (My ds wants a rain smiley : )

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#23 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 11:19 PM
 
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For what it is worth, many women do scream and yell at birth and not because of the assistant. My first labor was 2 das long with 12 hours of non-stop pain at the end and I made every noise imaginable and could not have been quiet under any circumstances! Just who I am and how I birthed.

So, given that, for a first time labor, I think trying to hide it is not a good idea. I also think a hotel is a bad idea they are super dirty and just kinda not so good for labor. Plus, if you get loud there, same issue as with the parents.

Honestly, I think I would try to find a MW who I could trust and see what options are available.

Sorry you are in this place

Megan Davidson, Labor & Postpartum Doula, Breastfeeding Counselor, Anthropologist, Mom to August (9) and Clay (4), Partner to Shawn.

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#24 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 11:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by pamamidwife View Post
Do you dislike your dp right now? The reason I ask is this is his baby, too. Perhaps birthing with him in your home could be healing for you both as parents, not necessarily partners. As a first time mom, I would recommend having someone there to help you at least, during birth.

Another option is to ask him to leave your house and you live there.

I wouldn't feel comfortable towards the end of the preg living with my parents if they didn't support my birth choices. I also wouldn't put me or my baby at risk for medical intervention because of someone elses fear of birth.
Yes..This exactly.
I also think a hotel with a friend is a good idea if you are not on good terms with stbx.
Good luck mama...
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#25 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 11:31 PM
 
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i don't like the hotel idea. first most of them are dirty.

and second, in the unlikely and highly doubtful event that something awful happens it seems like it would be easier to bring some jackass charges against the mom-to-be. i hate to sound like a pessimist, but really this thought has intuitively jumped out at me a few times on this thread.
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#26 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 11:58 PM
 
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I don't know about AL, but when I divorced in CA, I had to keep my XH on my health insurance until the divorce was final or he could make other arrangements. Legally, he could be obligated to pay the premiums(at my employer subsidized rate, not the uber-high cobra rates), but I couldn't just drop him out of spite.

I would go tomorrow and open up a bank account. XH and I each agreed to open an account with amount X, leaving the rest in a joint account to cover outstanding bills like credit cards and such. But if you don't trust him, take half now. You can always pay your share of joint bills out of your own account.

Mom to Kira March 2009
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#27 of 91 Old 12-03-2006, 11:59 PM
 
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I was in a somewhat similar situation 5 years ago. Then DP , I, and my DDs were living in an apt in my parents' basement.

I had a beautiful UC while my parents were out of the house. Then my Mom came home and insisted we go to the hospital, and DP agreed with her that it would be a good idea "just to get us both checked out." He honestly beleived we'd be out of the hospital and back home within a few hours, and I was too much in "birth la la land" to realize that that wouldn't happen, and insist on staying home.

We bundled ourselves up and prepared to drive to the hospital. Then my Mom panicked and called 911. DS was taken in an ambulence, I was taken in a police car. The idiot EMTs took him outside half naked (they had to unzip his snowsuit to cut the cord and didn't bother wrapping him back up) in 40 degee weather, and he was hypothermic when he arrived at the hospital. Of course the people at the hospital assumed he was hypothermic because I neglected him and not because the EMTs screwed up. They kept him in the NICU for a week on IV antibiotics "because he was born outside the sterile hospital." He didn't have any kind of infection or any reason to be kept in the hospital whatsoever, but they kept him in the NICU anyway. I had to go home before he did. They called CPS and we had them hovering over us for several months. I was found "indicated for child abuse or neglect" all because I had a UC.

Had I birthed in the hospital, he would have roomed in with me and we both would have been home in 2 days. Had I shown up at the hospital 9 cm dialated, they couldn't have messed up labor too much (then again, I was in no place to move anywhere at that point in labor.)

If your parents are going to whisk you off to the hospital shortly after the birth, you're probably better off showing up at the hospital in late labor and giving birth there- in terms of keeping your ass covered legally and in terms of minimizing mother-baby separation. The ideal situation is to give birth at home and simply stay there, maybe take the baby to a ped when he's 2 or 3 weeks old to get paperwork for a birth certificate. But if you're going to have other adults in the house who are likely to flip out on you, you need to check out all your options carefully. If they call 911 and you refuse to get into the ambulence, will the EMTs contact CPS?

Do you have any other options regarding your living situation? Is there any way you can educate your mother about birthing options- and make her truly understand what goes on in hospitals today? Can you make your parents pay for any birth-related hospital expenses if THEY'RE the ones who insist on taking you there? Also, kind of OT, see if you qualify for Medicaid- if so, that will cover the financial cost of a hospital birth.

I wouldn't consider living with STBX to even be an option. With all the crap he's doing lately, what makes you think he'd respect your birth choices when it came right down to it?

Can you find another MDC mama who would let you birth at her house? Even if you don't go through with it, if your parents see that you'd rather birth with "strangers" than go to a hospital and have them nearby, they might realize that this is important to you and respect your choices.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#28 of 91 Old 12-04-2006, 12:01 AM
 
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Wow. Your husband honestly sounds a bit psycho. Deleting all your files... insisting on being at the birth but not wanting to be a father to the baby... just, wow. I'd be scared to death to try to give birth with him anywhere near around.

Okay, some suggestions: Look into emergency social services -- remembering that not all community sevice agencies are government-run -- and especially those having to do with women in abusive or dangerous situations. Also look at the MDC Giving Forum. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...lay.php?f=231I You never know, somebody might be able to help you out. I certainly would if I could.

And immediately talk to a lawyer. Any upfront fees should be minimal. I don't know what's possible, but since everything is in your name, at the very least with a lawyer's help you can get him out of the apartment. If you can't get any help with the rent, maybe look into getting more credit. You're going to live with your parents after the baby is born anyway, and you'll be working. It may take some time, but you'll be able to pay it off. Cheaper anyway than a hospital birth, right? (Although that's something else the lawyer should be able to help with... if you're still married, I don't think he should be able to take you off his medical insurance. ?)

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this all.
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#29 of 91 Old 12-04-2006, 12:08 AM
 
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I am thinking he will change his tune once the baby is here and take any dad time he can get? P/T is better than no time.
pg to men is different.
Hugs mama.
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#30 of 91 Old 12-04-2006, 12:11 AM
 
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One more thing -- there must be underground midwives in Alabama -- maybe it would be worth checking out if one would let you birth in her house? Not ideal, but probably better than stepping into an unsecure hospital situation. The midwife that attended my second birth is totally respectful of UC, and what's more she's had people birth at her house in really difficult situations, one being a homeless family once that was living in a motel. I mean, you just never know until you start putting feelers out there. There are some amazing people out there.
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