torn about future UCing after stillbirth. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 01:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just had a stillbirth UC. Even though what happened had nothing to do with the fact that it was a UC (shoulder dystocia with cord caught between her shoulder bone and my pelvis-- many babies who experience this die in attended births as well) I still feel torn when it comes to making a decision on how and where to have future children. I can't tell if I am avoiding UC out of fear or because it is no longer an option. I am five feet tall and 115lbs-- I did NOT expect to give birth to a ten pound baby! Her shoulders were SO wide. I know it's entirely possible for future children to have a similar body type, and I'm afraid of them getting stuck again. Has anyone else had a similar experience and gone on to have a successful UC?

I'm a modifiedartist.gif DH is a reading.gif we have 2 angel.gifs, and DS is a rainbow1284.gif baby.gif
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#2 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 01:56 AM
 
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I have no answers, but wanted to say- give yourself space and time. Listen to your heart.

thinking of you,

-angela
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#3 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 01:58 AM
 
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i have no similar situation to offer, but my thoughts are with you and your husband now.

successful #2 Jan. 25th - welcome Maisie Elise!
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#4 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 02:10 AM
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i wanted to tell you, when you came back around, that you have been on my heart since i read your birth story.

i'm sorry that i cannot answer your question directly.
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#5 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 02:15 AM
 
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oh dear mama, i just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts. i'm sure in time you'll be able to find an answer to that question....
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#6 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 02:19 AM
 
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I also have no personal experience with being in you position, but wanted to send you and tell you that you and your Dh have been in my thoughts.

Peace and love be with you..
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#7 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 02:26 AM
 
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I don't think you need to make that decision right now. Give yourself lots of time to greive and to heal, both physically and emotionally.

I don't think you "failed" at UC because your baby didn't make it. This is a very rare complication, and it's not likely to happen again. For one thing, your pelvis is now more open than it was before.

When you get pregnant again, you can decide at that time what you're comfortable with. It's very reasonable to put trust in your body and whatever higher power you beleive in and UC again. It's also very reasonable to have frequent checks of the baby's size and schedual a c/s if you're afraid the baby is too big for a safe vaginal birth. The fear of the baby getting stuck again can certainly interfere with relaxing and opening up for birth. You need to do what's right for your body and your spirit, and nobody else can do that for you.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#8 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 03:51 AM
 
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What Ruth said.

Frontierpsych
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#9 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 04:27 AM
 
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I agree with the pp. In time you will know the right decision for you. I have been thinking of you a lot and I am so sorry you baby was born still. ((Hugs)) Mama.
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#10 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 05:44 AM
 
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i do agree that you might be able to give birth successfully next time around, cause you've had a vaginal birth already. Maybe have a midwife with you next time, or go to the hospital if you are realy unsure if you can do it.

if you do have an UC w/ another big baby, there are ways to helping babies out who have SD, hooking a finger under their armpit, and hands and knees position are things I know of.

I hope you are feeling ok.
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#11 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 02:11 PM
 
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I agree with what Ruth wrote.

I'm thinking about you too and sending you much love and peace!

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#12 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 02:55 PM
 
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I just want to encourage you to just keep searching and thinking and reading about it, as is healing and helpful to you.

I don't know of anyone in a similar situation -- I don't know if it would be helpful for you to get in touch with them and hear about their thought processes, but there are a couple of MDC members who had stillbirths under other circumstances and went on to have UCs. ChildoftheMoon had planned a UC, then her baby died in utero and she decided to have a midwife in attendance for the stillbirth, then went on to have a UC. XM had a hospital stillbirth and went on to have a UC after a midwife-attended homebirth. Their stories are both here somewhere on MDC.

I just wish I could surround you with all our love and support. Words on a screen can only do so much. I know many of us have been thinking about you every day, our hearts are with you.
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#13 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 03:30 PM
 
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I've been thinking of you and your husband for days.

I agree with the pp's about things being different, since you've given birth once before now and your pelvis is a little bigger, a little more flexible, but I think you'll probably be working through these questions and concerns for months to come, and probably not have any answers for sure until you're about to give birth again.. then your heart will likely lead you to the right answers for you and your next child..

You're surrounded by thoughts of love and comfort. I hope you can feel that!!
lizzie

It's such a relief to finally trust yourself.
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#14 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 03:35 PM
 
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I am so sorry about your daughter.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#15 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 04:19 PM
 
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I think that time will tell. You'll be pg and either feel comfortable with a UC or not, you don't have to decide right now. A UC can still be very important to you even if you don't have one for your next baby, we all do what we can at that moment, KWIM.

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
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#16 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 04:23 PM
 
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I understand wanting to think and process and work through everything. I think that too is part of grieving. ((hugs))

I transferred after 19+hrs UC labor due to my own exhaustion and concern that something was "not right" with how I felt and no appearance of baby. When I contemplate my next birth, I go back and forth all the time, I want to UC, but I'm not sure I'm really ready to do that next time.

I've spent countless hours working this over in my mind. For me, I am going to try to have a homebirth with a very hands-off midwife. Because my last UC didn't go as smoothly as I expected (and I'm not comparing mine to yours at all, just that it was harder than I thought UC would be and I did in the end benefit from someone being able to tell me what was going on), next time I want to do it with someone there. Someone who will sit in the corner or another room and just let me and dh do our thing, and we can ask for help if we need it.

I'm leaving room in my heart for UC for baby #3 or 4, too. I am still powerfully attracted to UC, but I know that for me it wouldn't be beneficial to labor while worrying about the what ifs. I think it has a lot to do with a deep, deep comfort level. I think a 2nd birth would be easier, and therefore UC more likely. But deep inside I'm not ready to UC again yet. I need someone there to calm that fear, just by being present (and practically invisible). I know that I will labor better with a "backup"/"resource" within easy reach.

But all of that is just completely personal to me. It has taken me many months to get to this point, where I feel like I have an idea what I want to do and feel reasonably comfortable with it. I think you're doing the right thing in starting to process and think . . . just realize that it will probably be a long time before you find an answer you feel comfortable with.

We had a discussion here recently about "freebirth" verus "UC." I like the reasons that were given for "freebirth" as a descriptor, because it means we're free to labor and birth in whatever way is most right and comfortable for us. I know if you keep searching you'll find the answer to the question of how you want to give birth next time.

((hugs)) and love to you and your family.

Julia
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#17 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 04:23 PM
 
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You have been on my heart and mind constantly (literally) since your post...

I agree that that decision doesn't have to be made right now but I had a few thoughts reading your post... how about possibly doing a glucose watch for a week (just testing yourself with a blood sugar monitor like a diabetic does) so you can make sure your levels are healthy. I did this the past two times b/c my levels are kind of high in pg (this last one though was perfect, not high at all). That can give you a lot of help in knowing that you won't grow an overly-large baby (though of course there is no 100% gaurantee, but this would be pretty close).

My other thought would be to look into a lot of information on how to resolve a should distocia and you and your DH learning together - having a cheat sheet written up (with pics if necessary) on what to do should that happen again.

And last but not least, maybe if you want the extra assurance, rent a doppler.

I think your road has a lot of processing ahead... and it isn't bad - when you get to whatever choice you are going to make I think you will find peace there. Remember that birth #1 isn't like birth #2 or birth #7... they are all unique...

Many prayers and blessings for you and your family - wishing you peace.
~Julie

Mama to 4 amazing little people, another little expected 3/6/12!
Avid Unassisted Birth supporter/Mama

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#18 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 05:08 PM
 
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I've been thinking of you too.

Some people have been able to find UC-supportive midwives. I would say that if fear will hover over you during a UC, you should get a midwife. Sometimes we can try so hard to rationalize our fears away, but it just won't work.

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#19 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 06:43 PM
 
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Many hugs.

You have a while to decide what you will do, which is good and can also be hard, and you will have so many tugs on you in different directions from inside and outside.

As you process, we are here.
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#20 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 06:46 PM
 
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Heidi
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#21 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 07:42 PM
 
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I think you will have a better sense when you are pregnant. Right now you have so much to process.

My heart aches for you. Sending you many healing thoughts....
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#22 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 11:39 PM
 
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Every pregnancy, every baby, every situation is different. I don't think you need to sort it out right now in the midst of your grief. You will know next time around what the best choice for you is.

Again, I am so sorry
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#23 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 11:48 PM
 
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I have nothing to add that is different from the wise, sage words you've been given.

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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#24 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 11:50 PM
 
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I'm sorry, I too have nothing substantial to offer except that my thoughts have been with you since I read your original post. I stumbled across it in the New Posts section and can't forget it.

I'm sending healing vibes your way.
Marie
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#25 of 41 Old 12-07-2006, 11:53 PM
 
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I have also been thinking of you since we heard of your loss.
Has Louie had to leave yet?

Give yourself some time.

I agree with what Ruth said.

My virtual arms are around you.
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#26 of 41 Old 12-08-2006, 12:12 AM
 
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You are a brave and powerful woman. In time you will find the road you are to fallow, dont push it, let it find you and in turn you will find peace and your answer.

Peace and love to your family and little one

 Midwife & Mom to Gracen 9 luxlove.gif, Avery 6joy.gif Urijah 4superhero.gif Greta Sue, 9-9-10babyf.gifuc.jpg  Oh Baby! 1sttri.gif Due in April

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#27 of 41 Old 12-08-2006, 11:02 AM
 
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Frontier, I have been thinking of you very much over the last couple of weeks

I don't know what to say other than give yourself time and remember that this type of decision doesn't need to be all or nothing. There is a whole continum to choose from when the time is right to choose. No matter what educating yourself ad nauseaum on SD is probably a good thing- probably hard and healing too.

~laura
and planning to eat it again
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#28 of 41 Old 12-08-2006, 12:47 PM
 
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I think that because UC is such a personal decision and the road to it is often a long and difficult one, no one here will be able to tell you to try it with your next child. The only thing I can recommend is to surround yourself with supportive friends and/or family, especially once you get pregnant again. Don't be afraid to call them any time of the night or day, just unburden yourself when you need to. Even though we have never met and never spoken, I would be glad to give you my phone number and an ear to listen as often as you need it, if you have no one nearby to lean on, and would be willing to bet that you would get the same offer from a great number of the women on this board. Even if you decide that you only want to give birth in a hospital from now on, keep your circle of support available and remember that at any time right up to the nxt birth itself, you can change your mind, once or a even a thousand times. You are stilll the one who gets to and ultimately has to make the decision of how and where you will birth, but you won't have to do it alone.

and peace,

Rachele
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#29 of 41 Old 12-08-2006, 01:29 PM
 
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I had a accidental u/c where my attendant didn’t have time to make it to the birth.. Baby came out not breathing.. It’s a long story.. but the baby ended up dying after we took him off life support.. I consider him to be stillborn..

But anyways I just recently had a baby girl and went through all the questions that you have..

I had all the worries you have.. I finally had to give the birth to the baby.. My husband was dead set against another homebirth.. I wasn’t afraid (other then being forced to birth in the hospital) What happens, happens..

I ended up giving birth u/c after 40 minutes of labour.. At my parents house..

What happens once doesn’t always happen again..

And if you all are wondering what my son Ian died from the autopsy said he had a brain injury prior to birth.. Something like the cells they found take at least 3 days to form..

To me there is no other way to birth but u/c

private message me if you want

Lisa
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#30 of 41 Old 12-08-2006, 03:24 PM
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lisa:

thank you for sharing your experience with us.
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