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Old 02-12-2007, 01:17 AM
 
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i'm remembering how my dh dealt with our situation.

i was very dissatisfied with hospital birth after dd1 was born. i felt treated like a car door on an assembly line for all the interest anyone took in my opinion. there was "nothing special" about my case, just pretty fast (4cm to birth in 2 hrs, on a first birth). and years later (when i got my records to give to my midwifves) i found out they gave me oxytocin without asking or telling me. i found out this was "standard procedure," that it was probably given after the birth to help the placenta delivery and clamp down the uterus faster. that you have to refuse it to avoid it. how are you supposed to refuse something if no one tells you about it? there was just no faith in my body doing the right thing all by itself.

so i wanted an undisturbed birth the next time, but chose to have a midwife in part because of dh's desire to be in the background, and in part because i didn't have enough confidence to do it alone. in the discussions we had with the midwives, they tried to draw dh out about his feelings on the birth, and he eventually said that he viewed birth as "women's work," he didn't really feel like he was comfortable taking much of a role, and ideally he saw himself standing out in the hall, peeping through a mostly closed door!!! let me tell you, this did not feel like much support! but after 17 years together, i understand and mostly accept dh's limitations, and really hadn't expected much more than that, hence my choice for a midwife.

well fate had another idea for dh, and my labor abruptly went fast. i was sitting up eating oatmeal at 7:10am and dd2 shot out at (we guessed) 7:37, in between cell phone calls. i used the phone call log to get the window of 7:32 (dh talking to next door neighbor), - baby still in. 7:42 (dh talking to midwife) - baby out. poor dh didn't get to stay in the background, did he? but he was a trooper, he did everything he needed to (with the help of a neighbor who came over), until the midwives arrived ?30 min later.

my point is, dh's can have a hard time with birth. they may feel like it's very scary and foreign to them, especially given our cultural construct of it being an emergency. and they tend to live in denial until shoved into reality. i think that's what happened to your dh. it feels like a betrayal, but maybe he couldn't think of another way to bring up his feelings. as for reading the book: dh's never seem to want to take dw's advice, but someone else's advice doesn't have the stink of marital control issue clinging to it, and is taken more easily. he also probably was avoiding reading it so he could stay in denial. (and how cool that he doesn't have IL issues!).

so you have every right to feel royally po'd about the betrayal of confidence, but if you can let it go (a better woman than i've often been), and try to move forward now that dh is actually coming to terms with how soon it's going to happen, you may be able to work it out so he can be of support to you. maybe you can figure out a way for him to feel supported in supporting you, like someone he can call if he feels like he's out of his depth. maybe he's visualizing catastrophy, you "out of it" and him being left on his own to make decisions he feels unprepared to make.

and if you both need a good laugh, visit youtube and watch "snakes on a homebirth." it's absolutely histerical!! and it may get him laughing and opening up about some of his fears. no matter how unprepared he is, he'll do better than that daddy to be!

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Old 02-12-2007, 07:08 PM
 
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LOL!!! I watched the video,. It was so great! I can't wait to showmy husband. He loved that movie.

fambedsingle2.gif Heather, 25, single mom to Corbin, 5, and Orin, 3  uc.jpg  delayedvax.gif  nocirc.gif
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Old 02-13-2007, 12:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I showed that Snakes on a Homebirth to DH today. It is so stupid it's funny. Things are going better with DH. Now that he has read almost all of Emergency Childbirth (finally) he thinks he is an expert. He even told me that a placenta looks like a piece of liver It seems like he needed to vent his fears before he could jump on board. Now, my parents are worried sick, but I think they are getting used to the idea pretty quick from what I've heard from them. After I had told them (during the argument) a few of the bad things about our former midwife my mom said it sounded like she didn't care about us. I feel some relief that I don't have to be the one to tell my parents about the UC. It was sad today when I said to DH, "You just talked to your mom on the phone, why didn't you tell her our real birth plans?" He said, "My parents don't care." It is so true. So, I am thankful that he does get along with my parents so at least he feels like he has some caring parental figures in his life.
Also, when I checked my BP at Kroger today the top # was 123. That is 5 lower then the day after the big argument.

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Old 02-13-2007, 01:21 AM
 
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glad to hear things are settling down. and now you don't have a "secret" nagging at you (to the grave ).

what's even funnier about SOAHB: they filmed the kitchen scene the day before the baby was born, and the tub scene during early labor. i remember the giddy phase of early labor: everything seemed funny. they must have had a great time! (sorry to be so OT).

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Old 02-13-2007, 01:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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true, I am glad not to have a secret anymore

DH was so intently watching SOAH (he had no idea it was a joke at first cause I had fixed the screen so he couldn't even see the title. During the early tub scence when the father was acting so highstrung my DH had this look on his face like "I know I can do better than that"

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Old 02-13-2007, 05:26 PM
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perhaps your parents should read shanley's book as well--and i'm glad that your husband is on board.

may i speak, for a bit, about your husband's percieved role?

he is right that he is 'responsible' for you both now. at the spiritual level, your husband is your protector and the protector of his child. this is part of what he understands himself to be (spiritually) whether he knows that consciously or not.

many men in our culture feel that they cannot protect us and their children while in childbirth--to an extent, this is true. there is an aspect of birth that is just mother/child, and spiritually, there's no protection that the father can offer. because of his fear of that space--that space where there's no protection that he can offer--he enlists others to aid him in his protection. in our culture, this has taken on the form of "experts' such as doctors and midwives.

now, there's nothing wrong with enlisting doctors and midwives when one does need help. no problem what so ever. but when one doesn't need help, then we know that trouble can ensue when enlisting unnecessary help (such that they make themselves necessary).

but when we enlist out of fear--and often this is what husbands are doing, they fear that space where they cannot protect, so they enlist a protector to help them. this is largely 'spiritually instinctual' for them.

instead, what they might want to work on or focus on, at the spiritual level, is the deep trust of the woman's spirit walk at that point where he cannot protect her. that this is ok, healthy, normal, appropriate, and spiritual for the baby. it's valuable--extremely valuable.

and then, there's no need to enlist those others to guard during that time when he cannot guard and protect--because he trusts that the mother is capable of fending for herself and their child. yes, it's hard to trust, to stand aside one's natural instinct and spiritual role, but he must also accept and understand our primal ferocity, our ability to do this, and insodoing discover his true mate.
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Old 02-14-2007, 01:10 AM
 
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I noticed your mom told you to pray- have you done that (if you're the praying type)? She can't really argue with an answer from God, ya know?

It can be such a hard situation. My own MIL waited until a week before my baby was born to start giving me a hard time. Before then she was really positive about it- I think she just thought it was a silly idea I had in my head that I would give up on once I got closer to the birth. Which is also really annoying.
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Old 02-14-2007, 01:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have prayed about this birth (a lot).
Here is how my UC decision came about:
I had a lay midwife and the prenatals were going ok, but I had it in the back of my mind since before I was pregnant that I wanted an UC. I didn't even realize that there were people in the US that have UCs, but I had a gut feeling that is how I wanted my baby's birth. Then, I was on break at work searching the web and I looked up Mothering because I'd read a few of the magazines and I wondered what the website was like. That led me to the UC forum. This was the beginning of December. I started spending at least an hour everyday reading the UC forum's archives and all the new posts. I didn't post anything yet because I was getting so much information just from reading what everyone else had to say. About midway through December DH and I went to the movie theatre to see The Nativity Story. It was so inspiring for me to see the portrayal of Mary give birth to Jesus with just Joseph at her side. Then about 2 days later was when I told DH that I was determined to have a UC and get rid of the midwife. To me it was not coincidential that I found the MDC UC forum and saw The Nativity Story movie so close together and at a time when I was beginning to question how comfortable I was with my midwife. DH was also feeling like the midwife was questionable. DH didn't argue my decision the whole time, he just kept saying the thing about how he was responsible for me and the baby. Like Zoebird was saying, I never realized how he feels the responsibility to care for us. I mean I know that is his role as DH and he is a great caretaker of me; I just seemed to overlook his emotions. I think he was/is terrified. I do trust that God will take care of us. I have great faith in knowing that just as God was with Mary during her UC that God will be with me and my baby.

During the discussion/argument with DH and my parents I did mention that The Nativity Story played a part in my decision to UC. My mom said, "Well, God wouldn't let anything happen to Jesus." I think she was letting her fear of me UCing play a part in that comment. To me that comment seems rather harsh as if she were implying that God doesn't care about me or my baby, but I don't think that is what she meant.
Meanwhile DH and I have had more conversation about the logistics of the upcoming birth in the past 3 days then we have in the past 9 months. Good thing because this birth is going to happen soon! This morning he told me to remember to push when my body told me to and to wait about 2 contractions after the head comes out before I push out the rest of its body. I think his reading of emergency childbirth has made him realize that birth is pretty simple and natural. I just wish he would have saved himself the extra stress and read it months ago, but it seems as though he needed that extra approval from my parents to jump on board.

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