i'm remembering how my dh dealt with our situation.
i was very dissatisfied with hospital birth after dd1 was born. i felt treated like a car door on an assembly line for all the interest anyone took in my opinion. there was "nothing special" about my case, just pretty fast (4cm to birth in 2 hrs, on a first birth). and years later (when i got my records to give to my midwifves) i found out they gave me oxytocin without asking or telling me. i found out this was "standard procedure," that it was probably given after the birth to help the placenta delivery and clamp down the uterus faster. that you have to refuse it to avoid it. how are you supposed to refuse something if no one tells you about it? there was just no faith in my body doing the right thing all by itself.
so i wanted an undisturbed birth the next time, but chose to have a midwife in part because of dh's desire to be in the background, and in part because i didn't have enough confidence to do it alone. in the discussions we had with the midwives, they tried to draw dh out about his feelings on the birth, and he eventually said that he viewed birth as "women's work," he didn't really feel like he was comfortable taking much of a role, and ideally he saw himself standing out in the hall, peeping through a mostly closed door!!! let me tell you, this did not feel like much support! but after 17 years together, i understand and mostly accept dh's limitations, and really hadn't expected much more than that, hence my choice for a midwife.
well fate had another idea for dh, and my labor abruptly went fast. i was sitting up eating oatmeal at 7:10am and dd2 shot out at (we guessed) 7:37, in between cell phone calls. i used the phone call log to get the window of 7:32 (dh talking to next door neighbor), - baby still in. 7:42 (dh talking to midwife) - baby out. poor dh didn't get to stay in the background, did he? but he was a trooper, he did everything he needed to (with the help of a neighbor who came over), until the midwives arrived ?30 min later.
my point is, dh's can have a hard time with birth. they may feel like it's very scary and foreign to them, especially given our cultural construct of it being an emergency. and they tend to live in denial until shoved into reality. i think that's what happened to your dh. it feels like a betrayal, but maybe he couldn't think of another way to bring up his feelings. as for reading the book: dh's never seem to want to take dw's advice, but someone else's advice doesn't have the stink of marital control issue clinging to it, and is taken more easily. he also probably was avoiding reading it so he could stay in denial. (and how cool that he doesn't have IL issues!).
so you have every right to feel royally po'd about the betrayal of confidence, but if you can let it go (a better woman than i've often been), and try to move forward now that dh is actually coming to terms with how soon it's going to happen, you may be able to work it out so he can be of support to you. maybe you can figure out a way for him to feel supported in supporting you, like someone he can call if he feels like he's out of his depth. maybe he's visualizing catastrophy, you "out of it" and him being left on his own to make decisions he feels unprepared to make.
and if you both need a good laugh, visit youtube and watch "snakes on a homebirth." it's absolutely histerical!! and it may get him laughing and opening up about some of his fears. no matter how unprepared he is, he'll do better than that daddy to be!
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