Secret UC??? - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-07-2007, 01:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am 37 weeks and planning an UC. Although, everyone still thinks we have a midwife even though the last time she came for a prenatal was in November. I have been flat out lying to everyone. Since DH and I are the only ones that know the truth, should we keep it that way. I really hate lying, especially to our parerents, siblings, friends... I know that if we tell one person the truth, then we will most likely have to tell everyone and then they will all know we were lying, not to mention they will start hassling us to know who "checked" the baby. What do you all think? Should DH and I take this one to our grave? Of course, I would like to tell the baby the truth and I can't imagine telling it that he/she was born through an UC, but then saying, "Don't tell anyone because we lied to them all and said you were born at home with a midwife in attendance." I just need some suggestions.

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Old 02-07-2007, 02:32 AM
 
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I'm not planning on telling anyone until after the baby is born. Not my OB, not my family. DH knows and my birth support person knows. It's no-one else's business, IMO. I will be telling my family I'm having a HB, but am planning on leaving it at that.

I will be taking the baby to the doc maybe a week after birth for PKU testing, but other than that, I'm not planning on it.

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Old 02-07-2007, 05:16 AM
 
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You could do what many do and say the midwife didn't make it. You don't have to say you never called.

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Old 02-07-2007, 05:30 AM
 
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I think you should tell them after. Explain why you didn't say anything before. By not telling its like you are hiding something that you did that was wrong.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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Old 02-07-2007, 12:13 PM
 
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The first two times I told everyone. Then last time they were all injecting so much fear into our lives that I decided it was no longer anyone's business. Only people that I felt completely safe with knew. My mother was so upset about it that I was afraid she would flip out and report us to someone. So the majority of my family and some other people think that the mw didn't make it.

I don't think it's lying. I think it is protecting your birthspace and your family and yourself. I am someone who can't even tell a little white lie without feeling tremendously guilty and I always go back and correct it because I have such a problem with lying. I don't feel bad about this though. If people can't support you (which I think is CRITICAL to a good birth) then it's none of their business.
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Old 02-07-2007, 01:31 PM
 
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I wouldn't tell them. With our first, dh told his parents we were having a homebirth because he was so excited about our birth plans (he didn't even mention the fact that we were UP/UCing. They contacted every single extended relative on dh's side (some we didn't even know) and had them calling us up, verbally attacking us. We got into a big fight with his parents over the phone. They said they wanted what was best for their grandchild. We said, good. We would mail them some information to read. They wanted nothing to do with it. MIL threw a temper tantrum (not the first or last).

So, feel free to say you are doing fine or that the pregnancy is going along smoothly, that you are keeping your birth plans private, etc. You aren't lying with any of those and it really is no one else's business.

Our first child was the first great-grandchild on dh's side. His cousins started having kids shortly after us. One was taken by C-section two months early and died after surgery because of a congential heart defect (that causes no problems in the womb and if they had waited he may have made it through surgery). There were comments made about which baby should have been the one to die. Not okay with us. We cut out all contact with that aunt and uncle.

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Old 02-07-2007, 01:46 PM
 
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We kept the secret until just before our "due date" My mom asked when the Dr. was going to induce and I said, "He isn't" She called me back on my due date and harrassed me about going over my due date and so I unhooked the phone. But I accidently let it slip to my inlaws at 39 weeks. They called on my due date as well and told me how irresponcible I was for putting myself at risk... blah blah.

So we didn't answer the phone for 6 days until Amie came. I would reccomend keeping this a secret unless you want to alienate your family.

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Old 02-07-2007, 02:04 PM
 
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We just told everyone after. It was absolutely not a big deal while I'm sure it would have been a big *thing* if we'd told them before. I see nothing immoral or unethical about not telling people about your birth plans. It is a very personal thing (if you want it to be) and no one needs to know anything about it. Good luck!
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Old 02-07-2007, 02:10 PM
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my approach when already in this situation would be to tell them after the birth, and while telling them, explain why you didn't tell them prior to the birth--because yuo didn't believe that they would be supportive or behave appropriately. explain why you came to this conclusion as well.

then, allow them to defend themselves a bit. make the reason for not telling them the 'greater wrong' than the modus of birth.
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Old 02-07-2007, 02:41 PM
 
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My only problem with telling after the birth is if you plan on having more children. Then they would know what your plans are the next time whether you wanted them to or not. So I guess it depends on if you are comfortable with that.
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Old 02-07-2007, 03:33 PM
 
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I think you should tell them after. Explain why you didn't say anything before. By not telling its like you are hiding something that you did that was wrong.
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Old 02-07-2007, 03:34 PM
 
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My only problem with telling after the birth is if you plan on having more children. Then they would know what your plans are the next time whether you wanted them to or not. So I guess it depends on if you are comfortable with that.
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Old 02-07-2007, 03:41 PM
 
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How about a woops, the midwife didn't get there in time. Then you don't have to lie about your birth story, which would be quite stressful, but you aren't inviting lots of inquiries into your decision. In addition, if you tell them you went U/P there will be many more questions if you have another baby.

I'm not a fan of lying at all, and would feel uncomfortable lying about my birth story, but I think sometimes too much information given out can cause issues.
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Old 02-07-2007, 03:45 PM
 
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do what you feel is best. every situation is different. protecting yourself from negative energy is a very valid reason for telling after the birth - or never telling. while i greatly admire people who can tell anyone who asks 'We are having our child unassisted' - I get so much slack over the HB option -as in, they are actually hoping I will fail so as to justify the 'need' for birth to happen in hospitals - I just figure its none of their business. I'm pretty wide-open as birth approaches, and not immune at all to that kind of spiteful energy.
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Old 02-07-2007, 04:01 PM
 
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We kept the secret until after the birth and then just addressed it very matter of factly. Everyone took it very well and didn't really seem to mind since the baby was fine. I know it would have been major stress during my pregnancy. Now we are pregnant again and I will have to deal with the questions and I will just be honest. I have done it before and I feel comfortable with it. End of story.
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Old 02-07-2007, 04:52 PM
 
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My only problem with telling after the birth is if you plan on having more children. Then they would know what your plans are the next time whether you wanted them to or not. So I guess it depends on if you are comfortable with that.
For us, we didn't get the flak with the second child as we did with the first. They still didn't agree, but they knew they weren't going to change our minds.

Mom to Eoin (11/02), Eilis (09/04), Eamon (07/07), and Ellery (04/10)
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Old 02-07-2007, 05:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the suggestions and personal experiences.

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Old 02-07-2007, 11:47 PM
 
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For us, it was easiest to just say that Baby came too fast. That stopped all the questions and never left an opportunity for negative reactions for the next birth. I would not tell the the MW was there though, because it opens the door to have to create more lies to cover the first one.

Where as Baby came before MW arrived is the absolute truth. You just don't say MW was never called!

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Old 02-09-2007, 07:28 AM
 
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we still haven't told my dad and his wife about our UC.. although it helps that they live 6000 miles away.... It might come up as they are coming out to visit us in the spring...

Mum to DS (8yrs), DD (6yrs), and DS(3.5yrs). kid.gif

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Old 02-09-2007, 09:52 AM
 
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You could do what many do and say the midwife didn't make it. You don't have to say you never called.
this is what i am going to do
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Old 02-10-2007, 04:39 PM
 
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I tried talking to my mom about it in the early 30-weeks, but she talked me out of it. Something kept pressing it on me, so I talked to dh about it and got him in agreement, and then we kept it to ourselves (besides two friends online who were very supportive). My mom was here for the birth (visiting from out of state)...woken up by my moaning and slightly distressed at first that we weren't going to the bc, but then she jumped right into the groove of things and was supportive. She was text messaging my dad during the delivery and right after and he was pretty mad about us not going in. But now my mom gets to brag that she helped deliver her granddaughter. Beautiful thing. Dh told MIL on the phone later that day. She's a very mainstream lady, but she knows she can't push dh around, so she kept most of her opinions to herself. People at church looked at me like I was crazy. Dh's bosses thought it was amazing, but crazy. Thankfully no one has tried to call cps. Oh yeah, and our landlord thought it was awesome, he and the assistant manager here brag that its the first baby born IN XXXXX apts.
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Old 02-10-2007, 06:55 PM
 
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Old 02-10-2007, 09:37 PM
 
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We're not telling anyone. After the birth my mom might figure out that we actually planned a UC, because we'll be in her house and she already knows I don't want pain meds, vaxes, unnecessary interventions that are "standard procedure," and that I don't like my OB's. But we're not telling beforehand, and not afterward unless she asks, because it will be too stressful. We plan on having another child in a few years, and we've already decided to go UP/UC and not tell a soul. It will be better for me and the baby, since I've had nothing but stress during this pregnancy and am lucky I haven't had any complications because of it.
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Old 02-10-2007, 10:06 PM
 
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Should DH and I take this one to our grave? Of course, I would like to tell the baby the truth and I can't imagine telling it that he/she was born through an UC, but then saying, "Don't tell anyone because we lied to them all and said you were born at home with a midwife in attendance." I just need some suggestions.
i think you have time to work things out before you hit the grave! one of the characteristics of the last week(s) of pregnancy is this sense of wanting everything settled, so you can relax in your nest with your baby. for most this means cleaning out closets at 37weeks, for me it meant doing the taxes the second week of january (due 1/27, but she came 1/19 and i had suspected she would be early). for you it seems to be settling your story.

i'd advise similar to what others have said. say the midwife wasn't there, then distract the questioners: ask them a question "can you be a dear and get me xxxx?" "isn't little schmoopy adorible when s/he inhales?" "don't you think s/he looks just like FIL?" if they ask for a blow by blow of the birth, you can say it's still all so jumbled in your head, you're just not ready to tell about it. classic polite miss manners responses to nosey parkers. remember, it isn't their business, you get to choose what personal info you want to share, just as if someone asked you: "do you and dh like to have sex in the kitchen?" you're not obligated to reply.

by the time baby (well, child by then!) is old enough to be told about the birth, you'll feel more decided about what to say. you'll probably feel more confident about your choice, and won't mind sharing it, or you'll continue to keep it private (and i specifically am not saying "secret," anymore than saying you keep it a "secret" how you bathe or have sex or whatever: it's just private, unless you feel unprivate about it!) and by the time you'd tell dc, you may feel ok about telling her/him "we don't tell some people about this part, because we feel they won't understand, and would worry unecessarily about it." then you're just teaching dc about privacy, not how to lie. and you can talk about how society views birth as a medical emergency, but you view it as something normal, safe and private (i'm making assuptions here, but most people who'd UC have that viewpoint). and it's not lying to let people's assumptions go uncorrected, unless for some reason they are truly entitled to the information (like marital fidelity, etc.)

good luck and a wonderful birth to you!

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Old 02-11-2007, 02:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Today DH told my parents that we were planning a UC. They COMPLETELY freaed out. I was in tears within minutes and cried uncontrollably trying to explain what UC even is. DH supposedly could not keep it in any longer; he just had to tell someone. I ended up yelling at all of them and the poor baby was probably scared to death. He doesn't plan to tell his mom because he says she doesn't care about the birth (which is true, she was a horrible mother to him and he is closer to my parents than his) Maybe he will tell her after the fact, but it's not like he's going to make it a point to tell her. I just can't believe he told them. It's like they all three are trying to gang up against me. My main reason for not wanting them to know was because I didn't want them to worry. In the middle of the big "discussion" this afternoon my mom said I was going to give my dad a heart attack (he does have a bad heart) But all three of them (mom, dad, and DH) are not even trying to consider what great stress they are causing to me and the baby. My parents live pretty far away and they had to go back home tonight. My mom was saying I need to pray about what is best and all this stuff as she was going out the door. I just can't believe that this is turing into such a hassle. I think I's like to go hide in a cave by myself until I give birth. DH has been really unphased by my decision to UC and not he is acting like he is soo distressed that he has to get sympathy from my parents. Now all three of them are like against me. I am somewhat concerned that I am not going to get any support through this UC. Noone was going to be here except DH and now if I go into labor while he is at work I am debating on whether not to even call him. I just wish things were different, but oh well.

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Old 02-11-2007, 02:42 AM
 
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Today DH told my parents that we were planning a UC. They COMPLETELY freaed out. I was in tears within minutes and cried uncontrollably trying to explain what UC even is. DH supposedly could not keep it in any longer; he just had to tell someone. I ended up yelling at all of them and the poor baby was probably scared to death. He doesn't plan to tell his mom because he says she doesn't care about the birth (which is true, she was a horrible mother to him and he is closer to my parents than his) Maybe he will tell her after the fact, but it's not like he's going to make it a point to tell her. I just can't believe he told them. It's like they all three are trying to gang up against me. My main reason for not wanting them to know was because I didn't want them to worry. In the middle of the big "discussion" this afternoon my mom said I was going to give my dad a heart attack (he does have a bad heart) But all three of them (mom, dad, and DH) are not even trying to consider what great stress they are causing to me and the baby. My parents live pretty far away and they had to go back home tonight. My mom was saying I need to pray about what is best and all this stuff as she was going out the door. I just can't believe that this is turing into such a hassle. I think I's like to go hide in a cave by myself until I give birth. DH has been really unphased by my decision to UC and not he is acting like he is soo distressed that he has to get sympathy from my parents. Now all three of them are like against me. I am somewhat concerned that I am not going to get any support through this UC. Noone was going to be here except DH and now if I go into labor while he is at work I am debating on whether not to even call him. I just wish things were different, but oh well.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry all that blew up in your face. I would be very angry with all of them!

You cannot "give your father a heart attack". It's his own condition and his own response to things that causes heart attacks. Don't let anyone put that on you. It could feasibly be every bit as "life and death" for you and your dc to stay home and give birth in peace as it may be for your father and getting too upset.

You sound to me like you know exactly what you want, and exactly what's best for you and your baby. I would seriously discuss with dh why he felt the need to betray you instead of just opening up to you so the two of you could calmly discuss his concerns without the inflammatory situation with your parents. You may need to work through that before you'll be able to comfortably give birth in his presence, or perhaps you should just hope and plan to give birth when he's at work.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this at the last minute!!

It's such a relief to finally trust yourself.
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Old 02-11-2007, 02:47 AM
 
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i'm so sad to hear that.

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Old 02-11-2007, 07:04 PM
 
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So sorry to hear about your situation. It was very wrong for your DH to put you in that position. There does seem to be an underlying problem that perhaps he has not spoken to you about. Maybe he really is worried, and was using your parents to deal with it rather than deal with his own issues with you alone.

If it were me, I would be SOOO angry at DH. However, since you said that your parents did not live close by (I think that is what you said) they really should not be a problem. You can always just not answer your phone if you have to, in order to remove the stress. But the issue with your DH must be addressed. Unless you decide that you want to go it alone. Which, in my case would be really nice, but then again, I have had eight children, so I don't need the emotional support during labor that many do.

Try talking to your DH before you decide to just go it alone. Maybe he is more scared than he is letting on.

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Old 02-11-2007, 07:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think he is scared. I think that it is his own fault though, if he would spend as much time as I have actually preparing for the birth, then he would know what to expect. I know he is tired from working but he has no reason not to be prepared. I have him reading Unassisted Childbirth right now. I have been trying to get him to read it for 2 months now. Yesterday that book came up during the big argument and my mom said that he should read it so now he is reading because she told him to, not because I've been suggesting that he read it for the past 2 months. It is like he is in denial or something that this birth is going to happen anytime. He is excited about the baby and we have been together around 10 years and are both so thankful to have this baby inside me. He supposedly feels that he is responsible for both me and the baby during the birth. I've told him repeatedly that if he doesn't want to be here then he doesn't have to. I told him I will write a paper and have it notarized that says I chose an unassited homebirth and that he is not responsible for what happens. (I thought maybe he was nervous about the legal aspects) He didn't really comment about me saying that. He really won't express his feelings about this other than saying I am putting so much stress on him. I am not one to fell sorry for myself, but I do think that it important for him to realize that he is putting just as much or more stress on me and the baby because of how he is acting.
I'm not worried about my parents. They do live away and they know how I am very independent about decisions and that nothing they say is going to change my mind because I have reseached UC and made my decision. They feel so sorry for DH because of all this responsibility that I have put on him.
I checked my BP at the store today. The top # was higher then it has ever been. It was 127 over 70. I was not worried about this birth at all and now I am getting some fear that all the stress is going to make it more difficult.

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Old 02-11-2007, 10:47 PM
 
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Well, my mother in law has issues with us even having a homebirth. When Corey pointed out that we're doing it alone and will be just fine, she kept telling him how concerned she was for the baby's well-being. He told me she probably wants to talk to me, so I've avoided calling her. I don't need to be interrogated, you know? I think if I could do it over again I just wouldn't have said anything until after the birth

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