I gotta get this out - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Thread Tools
#31 of 42 Old 03-26-2007, 09:41 PM
Nani's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 790
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Kate!!! Nani here from our ddc! I've been wondering where you are!
I want to give you a BIG BIG

I always read your posts admiring you and the advice you give us. I'm happy to see that you are reaching out to us for a (virtual but still very real) shoulder to cry on. I wish we could all get on a plane to Turkey and rent a house next to you, so you could feel all the good love coming from everyone and we could help you in a more real way besides words on a computer. You're an awesome mama, no matter what happened in that hospital that day and you will get through this as I know how strong you are. Part of your strength is your ability to grieve. Many posts before mine have said it in very wonderful words.

I had a traumatic birth experience, a CSEC with my dd and I'm so hoping to do a HBAC now, I'm due this week with dd2. I've got the whole thing lined up, I feel so prepared and yet I'm also afraid of not having the birthing experience I so desire. I'm trying to keep my mind open to any possibilities, good and bad.

And I was _very_ angry after dd was born, mostly at myself and my PPD expressed itself as livid anger, something I could barely control and I still feel ashamed about. Please email me if you want me to tell you more, ok?

In the meantime, please allow your feeling to find a path to the outside, express them, however you can without doing yourself harm. Explain things in detail to your dh, he needs to hear what you have to say.

Much love and hugs to you, Kate.

unschooling mama with Toots'n Fruits (6) and BeenzieBoo (3)
Nani is offline  
Sponsored Links
#32 of 42 Old 03-26-2007, 09:45 PM
SublimeBirthGirl's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Powder Springs, GA
Posts: 3,428
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so sorry your birth didn't go as you'd hoped it would. You have every right to grieve. Take care of yourself.

Laura, CBE and mom to Maddiewaterbirth.jpg ( 06/03/04) & Graceuc.jpg (  09/10/06)
SublimeBirthGirl is offline  
#33 of 42 Old 03-27-2007, 01:09 PM
littleteapot's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Mystery Island
Posts: 3,200
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Please read this, it helped me...

"You should be grateful"

photosmile2.gifBabs + trekkie.gifCurtis - Parents of Tempest blahblah.gif(08/07/03 autismribbon.gif), Jericho angel2.gif(11/01/05 ribboncesarean.gif), Xan moon.gif(10/03/06 uc.jpghbac.gif), Zephyra baby.gif(06/02/11 hbac.gif). mdcblog5.gif @ babyslime.livejournal.com

littleteapot is offline  
#34 of 42 Old 03-27-2007, 03:07 PM
MammaKoz's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Medicine Hat, Alberta Canada
Posts: 1,319
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Babs, that was a wonderful link you posted, thank you.

It made me cry in a way that I don't think I have since my DD#1 was born 4.5 years ago and in a therapeutic way I have so needed for these last 4.5 years.

MammaKoz is offline  
#35 of 42 Old 03-28-2007, 04:10 AM - Thread Starter
Turkish Kate's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Body in Jax FL, Heart in Istanbul
Posts: 1,612
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I want to thank you all so much for your support in this last week. I've been coming here every day to read your words of wisdom, but without enough strength to post.

Things are getting better, slowly. I talked to my DH about how I was feeling and I don't think he understood before exactly how long I've been working towards this homebirth-that-wasn't. He has been involved in the planning for this baby for 10 months, but I had been planning this birth for 10 years. Ten years in which I didn't know if I would ever have another child, but fantasizing and playing in my mind how I wanted it to go. He had to let go of ten months of planning, I had to let go of ten years. Ten years, in which I worked with midwives and the homebirth community to achieve something for other women that I wasn't able to achieve for myself--it's not fair.

I am blessed, however, with the most perfect baby. He is absolutely beautiful and the "easiest" baby to care for. He rarely cries, is alert and observant, sleeps like a dream, and is an absolute joy for his father and me. Knock on wood, we haven't had any of those middle-of-the-night scream fests or colicky days (which may be in our near future, who knows), so I feel like little Ahmet is taking care of me as much as I am taking care of him.

Many thanks to littleteapot for that awesome link that put my feelings into words. I'm going to save that link to give to those who I feel the need to smack down. And thanks to everyone who "knows" me a little bit and sent emails. I'm not up to answering individual emails just yet, but please know how very much your support means to me.

Thank you all.
Turkish Kate is offline  
#36 of 42 Old 03-28-2007, 06:39 AM
yvonnemlv's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 1,464
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I will continue to hold you and your family in the light. *smile*

Mum to DS (8yrs), DD (6yrs), and DS(3.5yrs). kid.gif

yvonnemlv is offline  
#37 of 42 Old 03-28-2007, 11:55 AM
timneh_mom's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Somewhere between awake and asleep
Posts: 4,928
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We love ya Sweetie. I'm so glad that Ahmet is such a joy for you and your family! I hope that the love you share can continue to help you heal...

timneh_mom is offline  
#38 of 42 Old 03-29-2007, 02:32 AM
ericswifey27's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: San Diego
Posts: 2,601
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
oh mama, I am so sorry! I can't stand those words "you have a healthy baby, that's all that matters" Those words hurt. Someone who says that really has no clue what you are going through. Surround yourself with people who do. You have a right to grieve the birth you lost. Period.

Mama to my spirited J, and L, my homebirth: baby especially DTaP, MMR (family vax injuries)
ericswifey27 is offline  
#39 of 42 Old 03-30-2007, 07:47 PM
hetaera's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 370
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've been lurking here on this section for months.
I had a very tramatic c section, and it hurt so badly to think about it even 18 months out. I would cry so hard that I had to curl up in a ball because it hurt so bad deep inside and it was physical as well as emotional.

I followed your wait for your babe. And then got busy with my life and couldnt check up until now on how it went for you. I am so sorry that you went through this.

I deeply feel that women give birth, but mine was taken from me. It wasnt until I read this site and saw that UC was a possibility, not just some foolish dream (that EVERYONE around me thought was insane and unsafe) that I felt that I could even entertain the possibility of having another child.

I am now pregnant with #2, due at the end of october, and you continue to inspire me.

I hope your emotional recovery speeds up. I know mine took a lot longer than the physical side. *hugs*
hetaera is offline  
#40 of 42 Old 03-30-2007, 07:59 PM
Shirelle's Avatar
Join Date: May 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 723
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sorry It sounds like you are going through the stages of grief. It's understandable--You lost something that you can't ever get back.
Shirelle is offline  
#41 of 42 Old 03-30-2007, 09:07 PM
Seie's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,472
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Dear Kate
I am a bit late to respond to your post. The reason is that I have not been around this community as much since my son was born - by ceasarean - two months ago. I have felt like I didnt belong here anyway - I didnt graduate at the final examn..
I could have almost written your post down to the last line. I had planned a UC - but like you I ended up with a transfer and a c-section. I failed. I had it all planned so well. I was so well prepared. And I still ended up with a transfer and a c-section. It was not a UC. I even removed my UC-icon in my siggy for a while because I thought I failed. I didnt have a UC after all. I had a hospital birth - and a surgical one even.
I have seen pregnant ladies in the street and felt like slapping them for still having a chance to have a perfect birth. I have been so angry with girls I know who have put all the responsibility of their childrens births into the hands of doctors and midwifes - and still they have ended up with uncomplicated vaginal births, while I had been planning my UC for the past 18 months since my second baby was born, and still ended up with a c-section.
I had planned an undisturbed birth yet I still ended up in a hospital room with probably 10 people watching my private parts like it was a shop window, while I was screaming and yelling with pain. And not one of them offered me a word of comfort. I did everything in my power to avoid this particular scenario, and I still ended up just there. And even with a c-section. Something I had never ever ever thought I would experience.

I have had all the emotions you have. And still have them. I have had lots of people tell me that "at least you have a healthy baby". One even told me that "Luckily you will soon forget everything"..

Like you I have been on the verge of PPD. I have had crying fits, and am still grieving the birth I didnt have - despite knowing that I did my very best and that ceasarean was really our last option.

I dont know if any of this is any use to you at all, but I wanted to tell you that you are not the only one Reading your post was almost like someone holding up a mirror for me. The circumstances leading up to our ceasareans were different but all the emotions are so alike. I read your birthstory and you DID do all the right things. You DID make the right and responsible decisions. Like one of the previous posters said - you made a huge sacrifice for your baby. You did exactly what UC is all about - you listened to your body and your baby, and you made intuitive decisions. I made decisons too. I made them myself all the way through and was not pushed or scared into anything, and logically I know I made the right decisions, but it doesnt stop me from obsessing over the "what if I had"-scenarios. And it doesnt stop my grieving and feeling of loss over the birth that should have been. But it makes looking in the mirror much easier. I hope you feel the same. It sounds from what you describe like you are in great touch with your emotions, and I am sure that will be very valuable when working through this. Feel free to PM me or whatever if there is anything I can do, say or listen to. Lots of hugs coming your way.

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)

Seie is offline  
#42 of 42 Old 03-31-2007, 12:23 AM
k-smiley's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 48
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a friend who has had the same experience as you and has grief and loss surrounding her birth. In a few weeks she will be attending a "caesarean healing day" with a local body worker and breath-worker. It is a day of sharing, healing, meditation, massage for women by women. Maybe there might be something in your local community- ask about. My friend is really looking forward to attending this healing day and talking about it with women who have shared the same experience.
Feel all these emotions fully- no feeling is wrong/ bad/un-acceptable. Feeling fully will help you heal. Lots of hugs and blessings to you.
k-smiley is offline  

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Online Users: 9,765

12 members and 9,753 guests
Deborah , guillencarlotta , jamesmorrow , Katherine73 , Kelleybug , manyhatsmom , moominmamma , redsally , RollerCoasterMama , Skippy918 , sren , zebra15
Most users ever online was 449,755, 06-25-2014 at 12:21 PM.