I am a bit late to respond to your post. The reason is that I have not been around this community as much since my son was born - by ceasarean - two months ago. I have felt like I didnt belong here anyway - I didnt graduate at the final examn..
I could have almost written your post down to the last line. I had planned a UC - but like you I ended up with a transfer and a c-section. I failed. I had it all planned so well. I was so well prepared. And I still ended up with a transfer and a c-section. It was not a UC. I even removed my UC-icon in my siggy for a while because I thought I failed. I didnt have a UC after all. I had a hospital birth - and a surgical one even.
I have seen pregnant ladies in the street and felt like slapping them for still having a chance to have a perfect birth. I have been so angry with girls I know who have put all the responsibility of their childrens births into the hands of doctors and midwifes - and still they have ended up with uncomplicated vaginal births, while I had been planning my UC for the past 18 months since my second baby was born, and still ended up with a c-section.
I had planned an undisturbed birth yet I still ended up in a hospital room with probably 10 people watching my private parts like it was a shop window, while I was screaming and yelling with pain. And not one of them offered me a word of comfort. I did everything in my power to avoid this particular scenario, and I still ended up just there. And even with a c-section. Something I had never ever ever thought I would experience.
I have had all the emotions you have. And still have them. I have had lots of people tell me that "at least you have a healthy baby". One even told me that "Luckily you will soon forget everything"..
Like you I have been on the verge of PPD. I have had crying fits, and am still grieving the birth I didnt have - despite knowing that I did my very best and that ceasarean was really our last option.
I dont know if any of this is any use to you at all, but I wanted to tell you that you are not the only one
Reading your post was almost like someone holding up a mirror for me. The circumstances leading up to our ceasareans were different but all the emotions are so alike. I read your birthstory and you DID do all the right things. You DID make the right and responsible decisions. Like one of the previous posters said - you made a huge sacrifice for your baby. You did exactly what UC is all about - you listened to your body and your baby, and you made intuitive decisions. I made decisons too. I made them myself all the way through and was not pushed or scared into anything, and logically I know I made the right decisions, but it doesnt stop me from obsessing over the "what if I had"-scenarios. And it doesnt stop my grieving and feeling of loss over the birth that should have been. But it makes looking in the mirror much easier. I hope you feel the same. It sounds from what you describe like you are in great touch with your emotions, and I am sure that will be very valuable when working through this. Feel free to PM me or whatever if there is anything I can do, say or listen to. Lots of hugs coming your way.