support for UC in a UC forum - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 44 Old 05-05-2007, 04:17 AM
 
Turkish Kate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Body in Jax FL, Heart in Istanbul
Posts: 1,612
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi, my name is Kate and I'm a failed UCer.

Having said that, I have to chime in with my 2 kuruş worth. I started visiting this forum when it looked like we may have to UC, whether we wanted to or not. UC was not my first choice, but I was never uncomfortable with it. It was never scary or something that I had to fight for, it evolved for our family. I spent a lot of time reading birth stories, UC stories, asking questions, lurking, PMing, gathering all the info that I could in preparation for our big event. Granted, I am no stranger to the birth world and have a lot of "insider information," but somehow that doesn't quite transfer when it's your own body and baby.

I am one of those women who did all the "right" things as far as UC goes. Took the "right" supplements, didn't see a scary doctor since the first trimester, had my stash of herbal remedies all ready to go, meditated on the perfect birth experience, communed with my womb, all of it. I never felt the slightest hesitation about giving birth at home with just my husband and daughter and possibly a friend or two. I even bought a T-shirt for the baby that said "I'm special, I was born at home." I never lied about my plans to UC, never claimed that I was doing anything other than what I was. All of it was for naught. Most of you who have been around for a while know what happened. For those who are new, I went through 80 hours of labor at home with a high and tightly closed cervix that never went anywhere. (And I'm sure that there are some of you who think that it was probably prodromal labor, but I can assure you that it was not. So can a couple of doctors and a handful of nurses, if you speak Turkish.) My UC went so far awry that I didn't even recognize what eventually happened as a "birth." My son was born by cesarean section while I was under general anesthesia.

Throughout it all--pregnancy, long labor, aftermath, and postpartum--I never felt anything but support from the UC forum posters. I came here when I was upset, disappointed, and angry at the world for what happend to us. Sure, some people had advice or comments that were either not helpful or not relevant to my situation, but that doesn't offend me. I take what I can use and leave the rest. Have I had people get offended over things that I've written? Probably. Does that bother me? Nah, not really. I apologize for the offense, but not for the information. (I still firmly believe that "gestational diabetes" is a medical urban legend and that GBS is overtreated.)

Should we have to make disclaimers with everything that we write? I don't think so, but then it might be a good idea for pregnant women to start every conversation with "whatever you say might offend me, so please don't say anything at all." If someone posts a piece of advice that is not particularly helpful to you, merely say "thank you" and move on. You (general you) don't need to argue about why it's not relevant or why you find it absurd. Let it go.

I think that's something that everyone needs to do every now and then, so I'll say it again . . . .

Let it go.
Turkish Kate is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#32 of 44 Old 05-05-2007, 10:37 AM
 
skyblufig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: on the shores of Lake Michigan
Posts: 413
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
: I was wondering if you were going to weigh in on the topic at hand. Very well put, Kate.

FWIW, whenever I've asked for advice/opinions here, although I may not agree with everything that's put out there, it always makes me think a little harder and a little longer than I would have if I hadn't asked in the first place. And then I dive back in to researching and dh asks when the computer will be free.

Jfly-by-nursing1.gif, partner-in-crime to Dfamilybed2.gif, mama to run.gif4, including our brand new rainbow1284.gifbaby.gifmissing my 7-wk-er

skyblufig is offline  
#33 of 44 Old 05-05-2007, 12:04 PM
 
2bluefish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 4,441
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My heart was very warmed at the support you got Turkish Kate. It was a blessing, and I'm so glad people were there for you.
2bluefish is offline  
#34 of 44 Old 05-05-2007, 08:32 PM
 
Intertwined's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: In the midst of Twinsanity
Posts: 2,989
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just read your story recently Turkish Kate, and I referred to it to a couple of my birth cohorts here recently. Sometimes it's easy for all of us natural birth advocates to forget that things don't always go as planned no matter what we do. I think your story, while heartbreaking, is testament to the power of birth. I got goosebumps when I read it!
Intertwined is offline  
#35 of 44 Old 05-06-2007, 02:18 AM
 
Turkish Kate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Body in Jax FL, Heart in Istanbul
Posts: 1,612
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've had some correspondence concerning this post and why I'm not posting in this forum anymore, so I thought I'd put out a little blurb and then take my own advice to let it go. LOL

To be completely honest, I am still very disappointed in how Ahmet's birth went. I still can't really think about it without getting upset about all the aggravation, not to mention the investments made without return (time, money, mental preparation, etc.). I think I had the world's most expensive c-section if you consider the expense that we went to preparing for a UC, then paid out of pocket for the birth at a private hospital (but the food was really, really good!). I am not able to read birth stories, UC plans, pregnancy forums, or anything else just yet because it still hurts my heart so much and I am jealous. Oh my God, I never thought I could be so jealous of other women's birth experiences. I have several friends who had babies within the few months before and after me and when I read their stories, I get so angry with them. It's not fair. Half of them didn't read anything of any value, didn't care whether they delivered vaginally or surgically, didn't take care of themselves while pregnant, etc. And they had their births. It's so not fair.

I cruise through the UC forum every now and then and will skim the topics. Occasionally I will read, rarely will I post. Not that I feel like I don't have the right (well, partly), but just because I know that my heart and soul need to heal before I can be of any use to anyone, including myself.

We are still debating the possibility of another baby but DH and I are both terrified of another experience like the last one. At least I know what to expect now and how much the surgery will cost (the food was good, but not that good!). We hadn't budgeted for it with Ahmet and it impacted our finances quite a bit. If we decide to go for another baby, it will be another UP, although probably not a UC, and I will be back here when I'm in the right frame of mind.

Love and good wishes to you all!
Turkish Kate is offline  
#36 of 44 Old 05-06-2007, 01:45 PM
 
Jenlaana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,824
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have only skimmed the previous posts, and for that I apologize if I am going off topic. I am going to UC. But I don't post here very often these days. In fact, unless I'm having a "strong day" I don't come to the birth area of the boards at all. I have done the legwork and I know that there are things that make tranferring necessary, and I am very sorry for mommas that have had to make that decision, and even worse for those who cannot find peace with that outcome.

I think that the biggest part of UC'ing is finding that quiet place, that calm place in your soul where you are ok with it, and trusting enough in yourself to go forth. Doubts in a UC (for me) would be disasterous. Even if everything went perfectly, if I did not have enough faith, or had not worked through my baggage before hand, I would not be able to have a good UC, or a UC at all. That is not to say that I believe that things never go wrong (one of my many disclaimers in this post). However, for me, reading transfer stories is a way of preparing myself and trying to figure out how to avoid a transfer. I don't say as much because I respect the pain of the women processing those births, but its true. I can't sit here and say its a valid reason to transfer if I don't feel that. I can't even read about transfers without asking myself what I would do differently to get the outcome that *I* am looking for. Its not disrespect, its problem solving.

This forum has an inherent flaw, because it is not restricted to UC positive mommas, and there is just too much drama because of those situations where people have chosen another birth and feel they need to justify it.

I know that I cannot come here and feel the warmth of the pro-UCing community envelop me, as I could somewhere that only pro-UC/planning or had a UC parents go. There's just so much drama and too much need to defend, to get that positive vibe that, for me, is just so important. I can't come here and voice doubts and have the reassuring faith of other UC'ers tell me "you can do it!!" and "its the right choice, we have faith in you!!". Sure, that is here, but its tempered with the voices of the rest of MDC that doesn't feel that way.

I think its great that there is a UC forum, and that there are yahoo groups for UCers. I wish that UC was an acceptable method of birth around the world, but I'm just not in a position right now to "fight the good fight". I just want to gestate in peace and get affirmations from others when my faith waivers. If I wasn't pregnant, and planning a UC, I would feel much differently, but right now, surrounding myself in a cocoon of confidence and tranquility is more important than defending my views on how great UC is for *most* births, and how unnecessary *most* interventions are.

I hope you all have wonderful births, and those of you who do not, can see your way through to the other side of your pain.
Jenlaana is offline  
#37 of 44 Old 05-06-2007, 04:07 PM
 
2bluefish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 4,441
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenlaana View Post
I can't sit here and say its a valid reason to transfer if I don't feel that.
Here's where I *will* preach humility. It's fine to decide that for yourself that would not be a valid reason to transfer. Just don't judge that it wasn't for another woman. You see, sometimes the goal isn't "to avoid transfer" or "to have a UC" for a particular woman. Sometimes the goal is a "trauma free birth" or something else. If a particular woman decides in the moment that another course of action will better met her goals, she may change course. That ability to decide for oneself is the essence of UC "for me".

I wasn't able to meet all my goals last birth, but I did meet the main ones by being flexible and evaluating my needs as my labor progressed. I do not mourn a lost UC. I do mourn having those first moments with my baby stolen from me. It was a high price to pay for an untraumatic labor and delivery.

This is why I felt unsafe sharing my birthing with in this forum right away, and why I did not post my birth story for 9 months. To have someone judge that my reasons were not "valid" is unfair. We must not assume that we all have the exact same goals. I've read UC stories where mamas were thrilled, and I would have been horrified by the traumas they endured. We all have different personalities and different ways we define "success".
2bluefish is offline  
#38 of 44 Old 05-06-2007, 04:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
mama in the forest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,986
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
I know that I cannot come here and feel the warmth of the pro-UCing community envelop me, as I could somewhere that only pro-UC/planning or had a UC parents go. There's just so much drama and too much need to defend, to get that positive vibe that, for me, is just so important. I can't come here and voice doubts and have the reassuring faith of other UC'ers tell me "you can do it!!" and "its the right choice, we have faith in you!!". Sure, that is here, but its tempered with the voices of the rest of MDC that doesn't feel that way.
I feel this way too. I'm not pregnant right now, & that's why I can even read here, let alone post. If I were to be pregnant in the future, I would have to stay away...and that is a shame.

Greenlee's Forest *intentional jewelry* a secret Journal locket!
Me My Blog Mama to 7 babes & four spirit babies
mama in the forest is offline  
#39 of 44 Old 05-06-2007, 04:20 PM
 
2bluefish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 4,441
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
That would be a shame Mama in the Forest. Yours is one of the biggest voices of strength I know. I'm kind of surprised that you would ever have a doubt in your mind with all your UC experience! Or that you would ever feel vunerable. Kind of makes me feel better in a weird way - that I'm not a complete and utter fruit loop!

I sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be better to stay away from boards completely. I think you come to a place where everyone is looking for something different, trying to find help and comfort, maybe it's better to look within.... But I do *so* enjoy talking!
2bluefish is offline  
#40 of 44 Old 05-06-2007, 10:27 PM
 
rajahkat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,740
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yeah, I think the UC boards are a mixed blessing. I planned my first birth which was UC without really understanding what a message board was. I read all the birth stories I could find, but I was pretty computer illiterate at the time and didn't participate on any boards. Having seen the drama can unfold, I'm really thankful that my first pregnancy and birth progressed without it. I think it set me up to be in a good place......I feel like so many UC mamas rely on computer folks as their only support system that when a string of transfers (or some other unsettling set of events) occurs it really shakes their faith.......just rambling

Kat

treehugger.gif Kat- mama to 6 little trees
rajahkat is offline  
#41 of 44 Old 05-07-2007, 12:13 AM
 
Jenlaana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,824
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2bluefish View Post
Here's where I *will* preach humility. It's fine to decide that for yourself that would not be a valid reason to transfer. Just don't judge that it wasn't for another woman. You see, sometimes the goal isn't "to avoid transfer" or "to have a UC" for a particular woman. Sometimes the goal is a "trauma free birth" or something else. If a particular woman decides in the moment that another course of action will better met her goals, she may change course. That ability to decide for oneself is the essence of UC "for me".

I wasn't able to meet all my goals last birth, but I did meet the main ones by being flexible and evaluating my needs as my labor progressed. I do not mourn a lost UC. I do mourn having those first moments with my baby stolen from me. It was a high price to pay for an untraumatic labor and delivery.

This is why I felt unsafe sharing my birthing with in this forum right away, and why I did not post my birth story for 9 months. To have someone judge that my reasons were not "valid" is unfair. We must not assume that we all have the exact same goals. I've read UC stories where mamas were thrilled, and I would have been horrified by the traumas they endured. We all have different personalities and different ways we define "success".
See this is what I mean... I in no way meant to take away from another person. In a "general birth forum" I would never look twice at someone choosing another way to birth. But thats not what this is. And this post in itself is why I feel that i need to put more disclaimers than comments in my posts.

*my disclaimer* For WOMEN IN GENERAL, NOT SPEAKING OF MYSELF I think that the right birth for them, is the birth they are most comfortable with....be that UC, midwife assisted, doctor assisted or even elected cesarean. FOR MYSELF, I feel that the RIGHT birth, is a birth at home, with my husband, and no medical personnel, in the peace and tranquility of my home. People read birth stories in preparation for their own births, or to compare their birth stories. Maybe not everyone, but that is why I have read them. Why do you care if I don't agree? I'm just some name on the board. I go to UC specific boards to get support for UC. I just don't understand why things said in one context are so often taken out of context. In no way did I say I was judging anyone. I just look at transfers as a researcher would view a case study. In that situation would I or could I have done something different. It has nothing to do with YOU what so ever.

Call it pregnancy hormones but I just have no patience to defend myself anymore. I have UC'd before, it worked, I will do it again. Luckily I don't feel the need to find online encouragement and support for my decision these days because I do not think I would find it here. There are other groups... but that is another chat for another day. But I do have to stay away when things are just so negative and argumentative and defensive. GIP is more important to me than anything, and I would rather remove a negative influence to that, than try to argue my point.

You can find me in the CD, homeschooling, and trading areas of the board.
Jenlaana is offline  
#42 of 44 Old 05-07-2007, 12:51 PM
 
2bluefish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 4,441
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenlaana View Post
In no way did I say I was judging anyone. I just look at transfers as a researcher would view a case study. In that situation would I or could I have done something different. It has nothing to do with YOU what so ever.
Please know, I wasn't saying you were judging anyone either. I was just trying to understand and clarify what you were saying. Which you did here - thank you! I'm just realizing that there is a difference between UC as the goal and UC as a means to meet other goals. Both are relevant to this board. So I wouldn't assume when I comment to a mama that her goals are my goals. I'm sorry you feel you have to defend yourself. That wasn't my intention.

I'm having trouble resolving these two statements: "Why do you care if I don't agree? I'm just some name on the board." and saying "I don't feel the need to find online encouragement and support for my decision these days because I do not think I would find it here." I don't personally look for support in place where I don't care about the opinions of the participants.
2bluefish is offline  
#43 of 44 Old 05-07-2007, 03:03 PM
 
2bluefish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 4,441
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
LOL you want to talk about having to put caveats - go to the SAHM forum and read all the "but women who put their kids in daycare, WOH are good moms too" posts! Guess this is just life in a diverse world, huh?
2bluefish is offline  
#44 of 44 Old 05-07-2007, 07:09 PM
 
Seie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,472
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I feel a bit "on the line" here because I know that when I first came here I was an honest UC-sceptic. In my heart I was wishing for a UC, but my rational mind was not cooperating. I am pretty sure I have posted some "unsupportive" threads here - for that I apologize - especially if they have made others feel doubt about their own choice to UC.

However I want to make it completely clear that this forum is the main reason that I eventually chose to go ahead with my UC plans. Without the patience, experience and knowledge of you ladies here I probably would have ended up planning another MW attended birth - and I am 100% sure that even if the outcome of my birth would have been the same then the way there would have not been anywhere near as empowering as it turned out to be with me "at the wheel".
Anyway my point is that if the ladies here in this forum can convince a rational sceptic like me then it has got to have an overweight of supportive posts..

As said before here then we dont all have the same reasons for wanting to UC - we dont all share the same filosophy about UC and we dont all have the same view of when it is wisest to transfer. I consider myself to be supportive of UC - but I may not think it safe to UC in all the same cases as some other mamas here would. It is completely possible that I would transfer at a time when another mama on this board would not - and it is possible that I would advice someone here to seek medical assistence when someone else here wouldnt. I think it is necessary for a board like this to welcome this range in opinions and views rather than rule out stuff at one end of the spectre - as long as our main wish - to have an unassisted, undisturbed, unhindered birth is the same.
Disclaimer:
It should go without saying that I think it inappropriate to come here and advocate against UC..

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

Seie is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off