Is it worth pushing for a UC? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 34 Old 05-02-2007, 07:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Let me start out by saying that I am 100% happy with the idea of a UC.

I am also 100% prepared to have my records and birth plan at the hospital which is 15 minutes from my birthing location (in traffic!) and to even have a healthcare provider (She's a sweetie, and all for natural birth, just not what I want in terms of atmosphere).

I have the closest thing to a no-risk pregnancy that there is. I'm 18, healthy, and the baby is perfect. At 29 weeks, she is already upside down and has been that way for three weeks.

Despite this, and my acquiescence to having ALL of my records at the hospital, my DP is not buying it. He does, sometimes, but he is just too fearful from having watched his sister and his mom go through terrible c-s birth experiences, that they both admit were horrifying and possibly unecessary, but all he sees is the fear, and the possibility that things could go wrong.

Now, I don't want advice on how to deal with my DP. He has been given every bit of information on hospitals, birth centers, homebirths, and UC's, and his refusal to process it has led me to the need to make this decision;

Is it worth the negative energy I will get from my DH to UC (lock myself in the bathroom, not tell him I'm in labor) despite his objections?

Or, would it be better off to risk my negative feelings (and the possibility of interventions)at the ugly pink hospital, to smooth over his anxiety? I make it sound like I'm already against it, but there is a chance I will end up there anyway if I am feeling stressed from his lack of home support.

Thought/advice? Has anyone UC'ed without telling/including their DP?
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#2 of 34 Old 05-02-2007, 09:42 PM
 
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while i may be the unpopular one here. It is your body and your birth. While you can cater to his concerns all you want, I dont see it fair for you to open yourself up to a world of interventions, not to mention the baby too, just to make him happy.

The way I see it, is he will get over it if you UC, he may be grumpy for awhile, and then he will forget all about it.
But if you go to a hospital, and have a bad experince, you may never get over it, and always harbor negative feelings toward your birth, and resentment toward your partner.

just my 2 cents

wife to my awesome DH, homeschooling, unassisted birthing, food growing, life loving mama to 5 crazy monkeys. :
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#3 of 34 Old 05-02-2007, 10:29 PM
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i agree w/ cravenab00. my dp is not exactly excited about my uc either, and i REALLY REALLY WISH that he could be more supportive and excited about it, but i am still going to do it. yes, it is our baby, but it is my body and my birth and frankly, i am scared to death of giving birth in a hospital. also, i believe that a midwife would interfere with my natural instincts.

to sum it up, yes your dp will get over it, and even if he didn't it wouldn't be worth losing the birth that you want and being traumatized and/or physically injured by an unwanted hospital experience.

BTW, i am also 18 and as you can see from my siggy, planning a uc any day now. i am really excited and believe that it is a GREAT choice to make!

good luck midgemommy!!!!!
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#4 of 34 Old 05-02-2007, 11:04 PM
 
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once i made up my mind to UC, noone was telling me to do it differently. My UC turned out totally perfect. After lots of fear, DH survived it and i think he'd not mind me having another UC

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#5 of 34 Old 05-02-2007, 11:30 PM
 
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I'm with the other posters! My dp wasn't on board with ucing until he realized I was committed and wouldn't have it any other way!
He has his own birth issues from his 1st experience with birthing his twins induction for no reason other than mom requested it and a long list of interventions, I could go on but won't.
It is your body and your baby! I wasn't giving in to what I know is right for me and this babe! After reading Laura Shanley's book I was more convinced than ever. Dh isn't a reader so I would quote him things and that seemed to shift him. I'd recommend watching the video posted on July ddc and I reposted it in Jan 08 ddc.

Keep us posted how things are going.
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#6 of 34 Old 05-02-2007, 11:33 PM
 
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Nothing to add, but I'm subbing! I may do that too.
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#7 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 12:15 AM
 
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I too have a scary pink hospital that I have a choice to go to.
My DH would really like it if I had a homebirth with a MW but I told him since I am due at anytime I don't feel like trying to hire one of the two (that I know of) who do homebirths here.I have read and lurked here for 2 years.I fell that it is actually safer for me to just stay home rather than try to race out the door and resettle in another strange place.He has finally accepted that I am going to UC with or without him.I have my things ready and I know that I can go to the hospital if I feel that there is an ermgency.I can do this I have survived other things on my own, I am powerful rarrrr! This is why he loves me cuz I am so strong.: He wants a MW to support him since at every birth he has been the one who needs reasurances and guidance.I intend to just UC by myself and tell him after the baby gets here.If he wants to catch the baby he can but if not its no big deal for me.
It is your body and you are the one who is going to get poked and prodded by strangers in a place that isn't really clean and then afterwards you really don't get to rest becuase everyone wants to check your vitals the baby's vitals, drop off some totally gross food ect.You get to decide if you want that or not since YOU are the one who has to deal with it.

joy.gifme, herding 5 critters a cat and a dog. DS 11/01, DS 10/04, DD 2/06, DS 5/07 and DD 9/10

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#8 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 12:29 AM
 
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If you were debating between having a UC or hiring a midwife for a home birth to help calm your partner's fears, then there might be some merit to "giving in" for the sake of peace. But that's not what you're talking about. You're talking about going into a hospital when you KNOW your partner isn't going to be able to support you or fight the medical establishment over unnecessary procedures. He's still going to bring his fear to your birth whether you're at home or in a hospital- and at the hospital, there will be plenty of opportunities for the "experts" to fuel his fears. And you won't feel safe in the hospital which can interfere with the normal birth process and set up a whole string of interventions.

Now, if YOU personally felt more comfortable and safer in a hospital, then UC wouldn't be appropriate for you. This is about what's right for you and your birth, not a blanket condemnation of hospital births.

But if you subject yourself to an unwanted and unnecessary hospitalization just to please somebody else, you're just going to resent it, and you're just going to resent HIM for it.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#9 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 04:30 AM
 
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I am sorry your DH is surrounding you with this negative energy
I agree with the above posters. Going to hospital will not solve the problem at hand - his fear.
I think it would be very hard for you to hide labor from him - what if it takes several days? Not all of us are blessed with fast painless labors that can be carried out silently in the bathroom.
I think you need to make another plan and to be honest with him about it if it is at all possible. Do you think he would betray you and for instance call an ambulance if he knew you were in labor at home planning to UC with or without his support?
Could you possibly tell him that you intend to do it on your own - at home with or without his support or would you by doing that risk him turning on you somehow?
Now a pretty silly idea - could you hire a doula for HIM? Someone who - rather than supporting YOU through labor - you could well be in the bath/bedroom or whatever - while the doula supported him through birth to ease his fear?
Just a thought - a strange one I admit ..

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#10 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 07:55 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Inca View Post
I am sorry your DH is surrounding you with this negative energy
I agree with the above posters. Going to hospital will not solve the problem at hand - his fear.
I think it would be very hard for you to hide labor from him - what if it takes several days? Not all of us are blessed with fast painless labors that can be carried out silently in the bathroom.
I think you need to make another plan and to be honest with him about it if it is at all possible. Do you think he would betray you and for instance call an ambulance if he knew you were in labor at home planning to UC with or without his support?
Could you possibly tell him that you intend to do it on your own - at home with or without his support or would you by doing that risk him turning on you somehow?
Now a pretty silly idea - could you hire a doula for HIM? Someone who - rather than supporting YOU through labor - you could well be in the bath/bedroom or whatever - while the doula supported him through birth to ease his fear?
Just a thought - a strange one I admit ..
Hiring a doula or finding a family just to support your DH sounds like a really good idea.I know that would make *my* DH more comfortable with my choice.He really just needs to feel like hes not the only one to protect you and if he has another 'buddy" to rely on he may feel more comfortable.

joy.gifme, herding 5 critters a cat and a dog. DS 11/01, DS 10/04, DD 2/06, DS 5/07 and DD 9/10

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#11 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 10:44 AM
 
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my dh was swayed by numbers, while they are few and far between there are wonderful UC statistics out there showing a pretty darn good successs rate (way better than hospital rates) and once he had hard fact in front of him he's like all right lets go.
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#12 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 10:49 AM
 
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I'd spend the rest of your pregnancy getting him comfortable with UC. Birth stories (he can read mine at www.babystepsonline.net/grace.htm ), homebirth safety info, etc. NO WAY I'd go to a hospital for my husband's sake. JMO.

Laura, CBE and mom to Maddiewaterbirth.jpg ( 06/03/04) & Graceuc.jpg (  09/10/06)
 
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#13 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 11:33 AM
 
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I was in this situation. I had my baby yesterday, at home, and my husband did indeed catch the baby. Search for posts from me in this forum and you'll see most of the story leading up. Basically, I told him I wanted at UC around 25 weeks. He was NOT ok with it, big time. He freaked out for a while, I tried to wait and be patient and let him think it over, etc. Finally at 33 weeks, we had a huge talk and I agreed to go to the hospital but only if he would fight for me there and allow me to have my UC in the hospital. He said OK, but I was really nervous. From then on, I had prenatal appointment with my family doctor and we spent hours going over my birth plan. She was completely out of her comfort zone, but was as accommodating as possible. The one thing it didn't seem I would be able to get out of was intermittent monitoring.

Anyway... so I went into labor yesterday morning. We called the hospital to give them a heads up, to look over my birth plan, and that I'd come in later when I was close to delivering - my plan was always to stay home as long as possible. Turns out my doctor wasn't around, so I would be with the on-call doctor. He's cool, but he and I hadn't gone over my birth plan at all and that made me really nervous.

So, I stayed home. I went into the bathroom and showered, and I didn't want my husband in there during contractions so he didn't come in much. He did a load of old towel laundry for me, but mostly stayed out in the living room with our daughter. I pushed for longer than I thought I would have to, and I started thinking maybe the baby was presenting weird so I figured it would be a good time to go to the hospital (before that, I was planning on going maybe when I thew up, which I never did! LOL). So, I told my husband to get me a robe and a bra. While he was upstairs getting those things, the baby came down fast and I pooped. He came in with the wrong bra, I sent him back out again and by the time he was down I yelled for him to come in because I felt something coming out but coudln't tell if it was the head. He was very calm and came in and said "it's the baby" and supported it as i pushed it out.

I was afraid he'd be really really mad at me if this ended up happening - as it was always what i really wanted to have happen. But, he's not. (Not like afraid like he's scary or abusive or anything, just that it would suck for him to be mad at me over the birth of our baby!) I think if anything had gone wrong he would have been VERY mad. If we had gone to the hospital and everything had gone perfectly for me there I would have been OK with that, so I figure that's how he feels. I'm pretty sure there was more of a chance of everything going well at home than me getting a UC (or anything near it) within the walls of a hospital (especially with a different doctor) so I'm at peace with the way everything turned out.

What's pretty cool about my situation and my clinic/hospital is that I called over there yesterday afternoon and told them and they were very cool with it. I was going to go in today for a rhogham shot but they called this morning, they had looked it up and said you can wait up to 72 hours for it, so just come over to the hospital lab Friday when you have your scheduled 40 week appointment at the clinic. Plus, you may not have to get the shot - we'll type the baby's blood when we do the PKU draw to make sure (I've already said I do want to do the PKU and other newborn screening tests). And they're going to help me with a birth certificate, which is just nice. One less thing for me to have to figure out!
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#14 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 11:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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EmilLy, that sounds like a near perfect scenario,
I would love if my birth were like that, and my dp could be so calm.
Also, wow does your hospital sounds helpful! We will do the newborn screening tests, too, and I was hoping : that we could get the birth certificate then, too, since I've heard horror stories of UC'ers not getting birth certificates because the system is so confused by them.

I also like the suggestion of getting HIM a doula ( ) however, I am worried that I couldn't find a doula willing to be there for him, and not take resposibility for the birth. Does anyone know about the legal issues involved in that? Wouldn't we have to get an actual midwife?

Does anyone have UC statistics? I couldn't find any online, and he gets bored of reading birth stories, and as far as I can tell only remembers the negative points, and comes up with a MILLION 'what-ifs' for every little problem.

He's not normally such a worrier; and its not like I'm refusing all medical treatment! Ugh.

Thank you all for your input!!
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#15 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 12:08 PM
 
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#16 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 12:34 PM
 
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MidgeMommy,
I responded to your post last night and then got thinking HOLLY COW you are only 18! I was 18 when I gave birth to my dd1 and I wasn't even close to the amazing mama you are! I had no idea about birth and uc was a foreign concept unknown to me. I just wanted to say you are an amazingly strong wise mama! and that !
Go mama, you know what you need for this birth and you will stand strong to get it!
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#17 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 01:05 PM
 
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My husband was not comfortable with uc either. He wanted me to get a midwife and just do homebirth. I talked to him and told him I really felt like UC was the right choice for me this time. Even though he was uncomfortable he said to do what I felt was right. He wanted to know some statistics for what issues could come up and how we'd deal with them. We ended up having a fast birth (under 3 hours) he was home for just over the last hour. He was very supportive of me listening to what my body was telling me. And during the time I was freaking out in labor he encouraged me to not be afraid and helped me to calm down and relax. Now he is definately on board with other children being born UC. He was extremely happy with our experience. I dont know if any of that will help you with your partner.

I also wanted to say that my husband wanted to see statistics. I didnt gather UC specific statistics but went through birth complications in general and how likely they are to occur and what you would do if they came up. I found it encouraging as the statistics show that likelihood is so low. And listen to his what ifs and research them. I find with other men in my life (brother and dad specifically) their what ifs are out of ignorance about the situation. My dad over the weekend said that a first time mom should not uc because she doesn't know if a baby will fit to come out. I just rolled my eyes and chose to ignore but my husband came out and said "you do know the chances of that happening are extremely small like less than 1 in 1000." But listening to his what ifs you can probably come up with something to say to each one that will make you both feel better about it.
Wow this got long. I hope it all makes sense and is somewhat helpful lol
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#18 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 02:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I totally agree that he should be provided with statistics and info and everything he needs/wants to make an informed decision.

However, he's been given that. And time, and understanding. He and I usually have AMAZING communication, and the biggest problem is that he just refuses to believe the statistics, because of his bad experiences in relation to his female family members. And he refuses to see that these negative experiences weren't life-saving for his sister and mother, in reality, they were traumatizing! His mom is more behind me than he is, although now she's leaning towards him because he's been whiny and worried.

I appreciate his worry, but it isn't helping. I guess I am mostly worried that he won't forgive me if something goes even mildly wrong, and that his worries about the labor will make me more nervous. I do want him there, I really wanted him to catch, but a VERY little and VERY mean part of me also wants to just wake him up one morning and hand him our beautiful baby girl.

I want to be proud and happy after my birth experience, and I worry that hiding it from him, or forcing it, might be counterintuitive. I'm really hoping there are some more mommies like emiLy who have positive stories of 'tricking' or 'neglecting' their DP's to get their UC's.

Then again, if all goes well, he might even step up to the plate when the day comes around. I just don't know, and I am trying to stop worrying about it. But of course, now is when I need to start worrying about finding a midwife, if I HAVE to, and/or finding 'his' doula. Hahaha. I'm definitely going to ask him if having a knowledgeable support person (who would NOT be allowed anywhere near me!) would actually allay his fears. He might just use her as an ally into bullying me if he got worried that it was 'taking too long' or somesuch. Patience isn't his virtue.

Enough of my drama, anyone have any good 'whoopsie!' stories?
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#19 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 02:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by manitobamama View Post
MidgeMommy,
I responded to your post last night and then got thinking HOLLY COW you are only 18! I was 18 when I gave birth to my dd1 and I wasn't even close to the amazing mama you are! I had no idea about birth and uc was a foreign concept unknown to me. I just wanted to say you are an amazingly strong wise mama! and that !
Go mama, you know what you need for this birth and you will stand strong to get it!
THANK YOU!!!

I've always been opinionated, and for a while I had this sort of 'dirty little secret' that I really hoped I wouldn't make it to the hospital to give birth. And I thought/hoped for that even before I was pregnant. I was just so relieved to find out that I'm not alone in those feelings, and that it actually is safe(possibly safer!) in comparison to a hospital. And MDC totally does rock, between the complications/variations threads and other people's birth stories, I feel like I have the knowledge of at least 300 women attending my birth. I love the sense of community, and comfort, that I found here. Especiallu being so far from my DP, (only a week and a day to go!) this forum has been my support group/birth handbook.
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#20 of 34 Old 05-03-2007, 03:13 PM
 
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You may be surprised at how your dp rallies and is helpful to you at home. Once you go into labor, he may just come thru for you.

This is your choice, and he'll eventually catch on. Just let him know in advance what exactly you need from him. Tell him you will UC and you need his support. It might kick in once you go into labor!

Almost a b-ball team: : Taylor -14, Alex -11, Jack -8, Lachlan born at home 11/15/07
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#21 of 34 Old 05-04-2007, 01:09 PM
 
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Have you asked him where he is willing to meet you? After all you are the one giving birth and he needs to acknowledge how importent it is that you feel safe. I understand why he would be hesitant/worried about a UC, but the stats for midwife attended homebirths are darned good when it comes to safety. Better than hospital stats even. Would he be willing to compromise somewhere for your sake - such as getting a midwife? If so then you at least have the option to try and find a hands-off one who would be willing to let you do it by yourself as much as possible. I dont think it is optimal considering your wish to UC but still a whole lot better than hospital.
If he is willing to compromise on a midwife attended homebirth - then how about taking it a step further and agree to have her "on call" and only call in case you experience some sort of complication - something not big enough for transfer but big enough that he gets worried?


If he would be willing to try the doula then I doubt there could be legal issues - but I am not familiar with US laws in this area. But since a doula does not have any clinical experience and no intention to perform that kind of work but only support then I dont see how she can be held responsible in any way if something goes wrong?
For getting a doula then I agree it is a bit tricky. I know CBI - Childbirth International (I am studying with them) has a policy to try to meet YOUR wishes and if you and your DH can agree that you hire her to keep him feeling safe- and away - then that should be her task. Whether it would actually work is a different story. I guess you would really need a good one..
If you wish then I can bring up your dilemma on our doula mailinglist to get some inputs and then mail them on to you? PM me if that sounds useful. Or you could post in the "Birth Professionals" board and ask for inputs.

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#22 of 34 Old 05-04-2007, 01:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MidgeMommy View Post
I want to be proud and happy after my birth experience, and I worry that hiding it from him, or forcing it, might be counterintuitive. I'm really hoping there are some more mommies like emiLy who have positive stories of 'tricking' or 'neglecting' their DP's to get their UC's. ?
JMO, but I think that is a very bad way to start your co-parenting relationship.
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#23 of 34 Old 05-04-2007, 03:54 PM
 
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>I guess I am mostly worried that he won't forgive me if something goes >even mildly wrong

I think that this is a very reasonable thing to be worried about.

I had a very nice unmedicated first birth, after which I hemorrhaged and fainted. It turned out that I needed aggressive additional treatment for the hemorrhage, after which I was fine. But I was too sick and woozy to even thinking about breastfeeding for a few hours and did not do so till the nurses pushed me to get a move on.

If my husband had had to break the bathroom door in to rescue me and haul both of us to the hospital to get checked up on (imagine carrying around 140 lbs of bleeding unconscious ex-preggo), I'm pretty sure he would not have forgiven me. Even if I had had an uneventful UC, but shut him out, I think he would not have forgiven me.

And really, why the hell should he forgive me? What would my excuse be for having shut him out of the most important moment in our lives as if he were my enemy?
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#24 of 34 Old 05-04-2007, 04:12 PM
 
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so why should she open herself up to a world of interventions at a hospital, to please someone else, who is making a decision based on fear?

wife to my awesome DH, homeschooling, unassisted birthing, food growing, life loving mama to 5 crazy monkeys. :
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#25 of 34 Old 05-04-2007, 04:23 PM
 
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It's not just anyone else. Presumably, she cares about her boyfried and wants to parent the baby together with him, so anything involving lying and keeping things from him sets her off on a bad start.
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#26 of 34 Old 05-04-2007, 04:24 PM
 
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There are ways of avoiding interventions, like simply having a pro-natural birth attendant, which the OP has already referred to.

The "someone else" is her PARTNER, presumably the love of her life, etc. Hiding and sneaking around about this kind of stuff is a terrible way to start a marriage or a parenting relationship.
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#27 of 34 Old 05-04-2007, 04:40 PM
 
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ok, i get that sneaking around wouldnt be the best idea, but what about her partner, who is intenionally disregarding her feelings, and refusing to read things with an open mind? I think this is equally as decietful.

Also having a "pro-natural" care provider means nothing. How many stories have I seen here on MDC where a care provider said one thing in the office, and then turned into a different person when the birth is happening.
Or the "pro-natural" provider is not on call when you go into labor, and you are stuck with someone who refuses to respect your wishes.

Yes, things can go wrong in a birth. I will never dispute that.
I just dont why the mother should have to be the one to compromise, while it may be her parters baby too, it is HER BODY, and nothing will change that.

I had 3 hospital births and in every single one, my body was disrespected despite me screaming NO!

I know good hospitals and good docs exist, but they are few and far between.

wife to my awesome DH, homeschooling, unassisted birthing, food growing, life loving mama to 5 crazy monkeys. :
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#28 of 34 Old 05-04-2007, 04:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by cravenab00 View Post
ok, i get that sneaking around wouldnt be the best idea, but what about her partner, who is intenionally disregarding her feelings, and refusing to read things with an open mind? I think this is equally as decietful.
Disagreement is not deceit. What would be deceitful is if he said he wanted her to UC while he was really planning to call 911 as soon as she went into labor. If we heard a story like that we would (rightfully) freak out about how wrong it was for him to lie to her like that. I don't see why it's okay for her to lie to him.
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#29 of 34 Old 05-04-2007, 04:55 PM
 
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Sorry, was trying to answer question not asked.
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#30 of 34 Old 05-04-2007, 05:10 PM
 
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There are ways of avoiding interventions, like simply having a pro-natural birth attendant, which the OP has already referred to.
But, many times, simply having an attendant is the opposite of avoiding interventions. I won't even touch the location aspect of the attendant

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