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|How do you get past this fear?|
I wouldn't say it's a fear for me, but I will say that I know that having a midwife attended birth will not make anything *safer* for my baby. In fact, it's likely she would make it less *safe* for my baby. Additionally, there is nothing a midwife could do for my baby that I couldn't do myself. If my baby needed something critical, it won't be a midwife who could provide, it would be a doctor.
i'm sorry that you're feeling so scared.
but here's the way that i consider ideas like this--all I wanted was to do whatever was necessary to bring this baby into the world alive.
I go into contemplation on these questions:
what guarentee is that the baby will come into the world alive does an assistant give? that is, can all deaths be prevented by the presence of an assistant?
is it only that the assistant mitigates fear, seems to take responsibility for the birth, and so on--or does the assistant actually mitigate risks?
if so, what risks does the assistant mitigate?
does utilizing an assistant bring any risks? does it increase risks? if so, what risks?
and then, i usually move on to my questions about life and death.
while deeply sad to loose a child at birth or at any young age, is there any wrong in death?
can death, in every circumstance relating to babies and children, be avoided?
and if not, why do we fear death?
can we emotionally, spiritually, and physically survive if our child dies?
i find that these questions help me find calm and focus in what i want to do--whether it's birthing or anything else.
good luck! *hugs*
The truth is that there's absolutely no way to guarantee that your baby will be born healthy and alive. Babies die in hospitals every day. Fetuses that are apparently healthy, in normal, healthy pregnancies, can die before birth even if you do everything "right."
The main difference with UC is that, if something goes wrong, you can't blame somebody else. You're taking ultimate responsibility for your health and the health of your baby. But the truth is that you're taking responsibility for these things anyway, whether it's exercised by choosing a care provider or choosing to UC.
Some women get so scared of what could go wrong that they couldn't feel safe birthing anywhere but a hospital with a top-level NICU. Don't make choices based only on fear- choose where you will feel safe, so that birth can unfold normally. Certainly, listen to your gut if it tells you that you need help with this birth, but also listen to your gut if it tells you everything is fine and you belong at home.
I have heard it attributed to the Chinese that 'at birth, the veil between life and death is very thin.'
I like to say--birth is a life and death experience. It does put us right up to the issue of our mortality...not just the fact of death, but our fear of death...and as someone pointed out, the close cousin of that fear of death--fear of loss of control and of love.
I think to give birth at home, especially UC, one has to be willing to face that. Really, one must be ready to face death anytime, but never so much as at certain times, like at birth when that veil is indeed thin. And people largely choose the hospital, I think, NOT because their chances of experiencing death for mom or baby are less--they aren't less--but because at the hospital, under medical care, there is a sort of buffer between people and death (or disability). At least, in their minds...for they will just as surely experience grief if there is loss of life or health at the hospital, as at home. But many like to believe that at the hospital, you 'did all that could be done'...and whatever actions were taken, were at least taken by someone else and not self.
It is good to face this fear now, far better than letting it run your birth from behind the scenes.
That "buffer" exists on many levels. It can shield parents from blame if anything goes wrong, not to mention the possibility of legal action.
I knew a woman who had a stillbirth in the hospital. Later on, her sister commented that it was a good thing the parents had not gone with a home birth, because then everyone would think it was all their fault. Unfortunately, there's a lot of truth in that.
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